A little confused

[Brendon.J.R]

------You can skip this if you want-------

Hi, I have just joined this forum in hopes to cement my feelings when it comes to my gender.

I am 17 and was assigned female at birth but never felt truly fully connected to that gender. Even as a baby, not even 5 months old I would refuse to wear dresses though that is probably just a fussy baby thing, age two until 5 I would run around asking where my male genitalia had gone according to my mum. My earliest memory of realisation that I wasn't happy with my gender was age 11 ish, when I had to start doing more feminine things, wearing bras was a big one, my friends around me were all excited about it but I wasn't ready, I refused for a long time. Another time was the first time aunt flow came to visit if ya know what I mean, I cried for hours worried that I was becoming a woman but I was made to believe that was just hormones.

 

Age 16 I was watching a documentary about a young person (I forget their age, I believe they were 11) I think they were MTF but I remember realising what transgender was, I began looking into it a few months later and relating to most if not all of the things that others mentioned and piecing it all together.

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BUT

 

Here is where I am confused. I'm not 100% detached to my female gender, I hate almost everything about it but there is still that "it's always been what others call me" saying in my head. I am not yet out to anyone offline and have only just started going by he/him pronouns online last night and I am wondering if I'm meant to feel a little odd about it at first, if it's something you have to adjust to or am I just genderfluid, non-binary or other? it's all very scary and confusing to me and I feel a little lost. I feel more male then female and I don't mind when people use female pronouns because well, I'm not out and I defiantly look more female.

[Brendon.J.R]

I tried to edit this post because I pressed post before finishing but I couldn't find a way but by "I don't mind when people call me female" I don't mean I enjoy going by that but I won't correct anyone if that makes sense, I know how I feel about my gender but to anyone else I appear female. I would love to begin binding and dressing more male but I feel I need to come out before doing that and it's a scary thought.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Brendon.

 

I don't think you should be concerned about having conflicting feelings about gender.  Many of us had such feelings, some for a long time, before we finally got our heads around it and accepted that it is who and what we are.  Changing genders, even if just an internal thought process right now, is scary and intimidating and a cause for all kinds of anxiety.

 

If I were you, I would read a lot of the posts here, look at YouTube tutorials and blogs, and get a feel for what others are or have gone through.  You;ll find that you are not alone.  This is a process of self discovery, and its different for everyone.

 

If you have the chance to seek out a gender therapist, you might want to think about that.  They can help guide you along the journey.  They won't tell you what to feel or think, but they can help you make sense out of it, and give you a chance to talk about your concerns, your dreams, and your options.

 

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[KatrinaReann]

Welcome to the group Brendon! I can't add anything to what Carolyn just said. So reread her post...lol... but I am here to help in any way I can!

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Brendon

 

Welcome to the forum

 

Do not be too worried about your feelings. There is no single way anyone of us feels as we are all different. One thing to remember though is that if you have been brought up living in one gender for many years, then suddenly changing to live as another does feel unusual. It is similar in ways to changing the way of doing anything. It takes time.

 

Almost all of the time now I live and am fully dressed female, even though a large percentage of people I know still see me as male. I regard myself as androgyne / female and appear that way outwardly even though I have little body dysphoria and am not contemplating permanent physical change. One thing this brings (apart from a complex social situation ) is that on the odd occasion (weddings and funerals?) that I do wear male clothes socially I now feel I am cross dressing and it feels rather odd and slightly uncomfortable.

 

Time can make all the difference

 

Tracy

 

 

 

[Brendon.J.R]

Thank you all for your kind words and support it means a lot, I have been watching videos and looking into things for many months now and do believe I am male and have found myself accepting it easier then female pronouns online already. I will keep all your words of advice close and once again, thank you!

[MaryEllen]

Hello Brendon,

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing with us.  My advice would also be to seek counseling with a gender therapist. He or she could help clarify your thoughts on just where you stand in the gender spectrum.

 

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Hi Brendon,   I'm glad you have joined us here.  I found reading about others and being able to respond to them helped me find myself as well.  Therapy was also a great help and helped me to accept myself.  The wonderful thing is there is no timeline involved.  At times i only wanted everything resolved but i learned to try to relax and enjoy the discoveries as they came.

Enjoy your journey.  It is a gift if a difficult one at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hi Brendon

A couple thoughts on your post. 

15 hours ago, Brendon.J.R said:

just started going by he/him pronouns online last night and I am wondering if I'm meant to feel a little odd about it at first, if it's something you have to adjust to

Well certainly you do have to adjust and it most likely will feel a little odd at first.  We don't just change like flipping a light switch.  TL:DR Don't worry about this.

 

15 hours ago, Brendon.J.R said:

am I just genderfluid, non-binary or other? it's all very scary and confusing to me and I feel a little lost.

Maybe.  Only you know the answer to this question.  When and if you can get to a therapist (we all recommend it) they will help you with this.  Not by giving you the answer but by having a conversation with you, and asking questions that will help you determine where you fit on the gender scale.  In the meantime you can do a lot of reading and research on your own to move yourself along.  Unlike when many of us were younger there is a lot of information here and elsewhere that will be helpful. 

 

Jani 

[MarcieMarie12]

In my questioning phase, I did wonder if I was bi-gender/genderfluid or not. It took a weekend not as "him" to realize I did not want to go back to being him in anyway.