Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

A little confused


Brendon.J.R

Recommended Posts

------You can skip this if you want-------

Hi, I have just joined this forum in hopes to cement my feelings when it comes to my gender.

I am 17 and was assigned female at birth but never felt truly fully connected to that gender. Even as a baby, not even 5 months old I would refuse to wear dresses though that is probably just a fussy baby thing, age two until 5 I would run around asking where my male genitalia had gone according to my mum. My earliest memory of realisation that I wasn't happy with my gender was age 11 ish, when I had to start doing more feminine things, wearing bras was a big one, my friends around me were all excited about it but I wasn't ready, I refused for a long time. Another time was the first time aunt flow came to visit if ya know what I mean, I cried for hours worried that I was becoming a woman but I was made to believe that was just hormones.

 

Age 16 I was watching a documentary about a young person (I forget their age, I believe they were 11) I think they were MTF but I remember realising what transgender was, I began looking into it a few months later and relating to most if not all of the things that others mentioned and piecing it all together.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

BUT

 

Here is where I am confused. I'm not 100% detached to my female gender, I hate almost everything about it but there is still that "it's always been what others call me" saying in my head. I am not yet out to anyone offline and have only just started going by he/him pronouns online last night and I am wondering if I'm meant to feel a little odd about it at first, if it's something you have to adjust to or am I just genderfluid, non-binary or other? it's all very scary and confusing to me and I feel a little lost. I feel more male then female and I don't mind when people use female pronouns because well, I'm not out and I defiantly look more female.

Link to comment

I tried to edit this post because I pressed post before finishing but I couldn't find a way but by "I don't mind when people call me female" I don't mean I enjoy going by that but I won't correct anyone if that makes sense, I know how I feel about my gender but to anyone else I appear female. I would love to begin binding and dressing more male but I feel I need to come out before doing that and it's a scary thought.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Brendon.

 

I don't think you should be concerned about having conflicting feelings about gender.  Many of us had such feelings, some for a long time, before we finally got our heads around it and accepted that it is who and what we are.  Changing genders, even if just an internal thought process right now, is scary and intimidating and a cause for all kinds of anxiety.

 

If I were you, I would read a lot of the posts here, look at YouTube tutorials and blogs, and get a feel for what others are or have gone through.  You;ll find that you are not alone.  This is a process of self discovery, and its different for everyone.

 

If you have the chance to seek out a gender therapist, you might want to think about that.  They can help guide you along the journey.  They won't tell you what to feel or think, but they can help you make sense out of it, and give you a chance to talk about your concerns, your dreams, and your options.

 

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Welcome to the group Brendon! I can't add anything to what Carolyn just said. So reread her post...lol... but I am here to help in any way I can!

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Brendon

 

Welcome to the forum :)

 

Do not be too worried about your feelings. There is no single way anyone of us feels as we are all different. One thing to remember though is that if you have been brought up living in one gender for many years, then suddenly changing to live as another does feel unusual. It is similar in ways to changing the way of doing anything. It takes time.

 

Almost all of the time now I live and am fully dressed female, even though a large percentage of people I know still see me as male. I regard myself as androgyne / female and appear that way outwardly even though I have little body dysphoria and am not contemplating permanent physical change. One thing this brings (apart from a complex social situation :?) is that on the odd occasion (weddings and funerals?) that I do wear male clothes socially I now feel I am cross dressing and it feels rather odd and slightly uncomfortable.

 

Time can make all the difference

 

Tracy

 

 

 

Link to comment

Thank you all for your kind words and support it means a lot, I have been watching videos and looking into things for many months now and do believe I am male and have found myself accepting it easier then female pronouns online already. I will keep all your words of advice close and once again, thank you!

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Hello Brendon,

Welcome to TransPulse. :)  Thank you for sharing with us.  My advice would also be to seek counseling with a gender therapist. He or she could help clarify your thoughts on just where you stand in the gender spectrum.

 

MaryEllen

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Brendon,   I'm glad you have joined us here.  I found reading about others and being able to respond to them helped me find myself as well.  Therapy was also a great help and helped me to accept myself.  The wonderful thing is there is no timeline involved.  At times i only wanted everything resolved but i learned to try to relax and enjoy the discoveries as they came.

Enjoy your journey.  It is a gift if a difficult one at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Brendon

A couple thoughts on your post. 

15 hours ago, Brendon.J.R said:

just started going by he/him pronouns online last night and I am wondering if I'm meant to feel a little odd about it at first, if it's something you have to adjust to

Well certainly you do have to adjust and it most likely will feel a little odd at first.  We don't just change like flipping a light switch.  TL:DR Don't worry about this.

 

15 hours ago, Brendon.J.R said:

am I just genderfluid, non-binary or other? it's all very scary and confusing to me and I feel a little lost.

Maybe.  Only you know the answer to this question.  When and if you can get to a therapist (we all recommend it) they will help you with this.  Not by giving you the answer but by having a conversation with you, and asking questions that will help you determine where you fit on the gender scale.  In the meantime you can do a lot of reading and research on your own to move yourself along.  Unlike when many of us were younger there is a lot of information here and elsewhere that will be helpful. 

 

Jani 

Link to comment

In my questioning phase, I did wonder if I was bi-gender/genderfluid or not. It took a weekend not as "him" to realize I did not want to go back to being him in anyway.  

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 160 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
    • SamC
    • Birdie
    • April Marie
    • MaybeRob
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      When do you know you've had enough surgery?
    • Heather Shay
      Another week completed with more inregration.
    • Heather Shay
      Relief (emotion) Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Relief_(emotion)         Relief is a positive emotion experienced when something unpleasant, painful or distressing has not happened or has come to an end.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...