The inescapable hell of gender dysphoria

[Nihil]

Hi everyone, 

 

Since I am new there (I just created an account this night), I thought it'd be wise of me to create a thread in order to introduce myself and to talk about my wonderful, idyllic existence. First of all I wanted to clarify one thing : I am not a native speaker. Therefore I apologize in advance if my writing style might be a little confusing for those who are going to read me. However I will try to be as understandable as possible. My current nickname is Nihil but the name's Alice. Feel free to call me whatever you want. I am a young transgender woman from France who is still in her twenties and, surprise, is struggling with a dysfunctional mental health due to her depression and her gender identity issues. 

 

During my childhood I have always felt something was wrong with me. Being born in a family that was the total opposite of who I was deep down I've been aware at an early age about the excruciating gap between my mind and this body that was supposed to be me. I didn't relate with the gender that I've been assigned to me at my birth. I didn't understand concepts such as manliness my father was so proud to exhibit. My father was the absolute archetype of the douchebag whose hatred towards women was beyond all rationality. He thought women were mere tools destined to serve him and my mother was so submissive with him. I thoroughly hated my father, being ashamed of being of the same blood as his. Of course, coming out of the closet with a father as violent as ruthless would have undoubtedly killed me. At school I wee extremely introverted. I didn't like being around people since I thought me and the rest of my allegedly comrades weren't really on the same wavelength. I only felt good and relieved when I were freed to be all alone in my inner world. Lost deep down the inner depths of my inner world I could be enhanced with a sense of absolute freedom I loved from the bottom of my heart. I was free to create everything in my mind. Each fragment of my imagination could give birth to a myriad of otherworldly stories that felt astonishingly more real than this reality I feel so estranged to. I spent more in my existence extending my imagination than to be immersed in the outside world. It's still the case nowadays. Reality has always been something both odd and ominous. Everything feels so noisy and incomprehensible to me out there. Going through puberty during my lonely adolescence was one of the most nightmarish experiences in my entire life. I felt my body being disfigured by testosterone (how I loath this world) as if I were being torn apart by a frightening curse. Powerlessness was seething through my entire being, and I didn't know what I supposed to be in order to put an end to this abomination. 

I've always hated my body or my genes. Not only because I was born from the semen of someone I despise vehemently, but also because my body is the absolute opposite of who I am deep inside. When your bod and your mind are in total contradiction, feeling bliss or happiness in those circumstances become something impossible like a mere chimera. I tried to deny for so many, many years to deny my true nature. Alas, denying the fact that you're a trans is delusional despite those who think that transition is delusional. That's quite the reserve. To me, denying being trans means being condemned to a slow death. I fell into depression and my suicidal tendencies become rapidly unbearable. I've reached a point in my existence I spent each fragment of my life wandering through a state of horrendous depersonalization where I've felt like a broken doll torn to pieces, a little pile of rotten flesh burnt to ashes as if I didn't even exist. I prayed for my death, wishing to be free from this nightmare that seemed to be everlasting. Watching my reflection in front of a mirror was something I couldn't tolerate. Who was this person supposed to be? It couldn't be possible. I didn't understand how I could be this man. My reflection showed me the reflection of a person who was estranged to me. 

 

After several years of abuse that left me broken, my father disappeared after he betrayed me and my mother. Since there my depression worsened dramatically. My depression is so violent that even the thought of going to a gender therapist in order to begin a transition seems to me impossible. But I know I can't go on like this. I can't imagine something more horrible than being forced to live a life that is not your. It's horrendously depressing as if you were trapped in a downright spiral of self-loathing and absolute solitude. 

 

Thanks for reading me.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Alice,

 

Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.   Although you say you're opposed to seeing a gender therapist, that is something you really should do. He or she could help you get out of this depression you're in and set you on a path toward finding a solution to your trans issues. 

 

MaryEllen

[Wendy]

My gender theripist saved my life.  I had an epifiny The pain you leave if you do something bad to yourse lfneverrealy heals Thescaresyou leaveyourfamilyThe decision to goto a gender theripist saved my lifeand allowed me to transition Something I had never felt I could do.My life s much better now It really does get better

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I think talking to someone about it really helps and the ease with your body will come as you let people in that are safe.

Being Gender dysphoric is no walk in the park but my personal experience is that the dysphoria subsided as I settled into who I was.

I think you will find the same relief along the way as others have.

Rachel

[VickySGV]

Gender Dysphoria can be overcome, but there are going to moments you do not believe that.  A good gender therapist can help you find the escape route from the "inescapable hell" you talk about here.  You escape the hell by coming out to people, including therapists and starting to live your authentic life.  It sounds like one hell is now partially behind you with your father out of the picture.  Gender Dysphoria does go away as you start to live as yourself and see yourself in the mirror growing more and more like someone you can at last see and love.

[Nihil]

Thank you very much for your welcome. I am wholeheartedly touched by your kindness. 

 

In fact, I am not opposed with the idea of consulting a gender therapist. But my anxiety issues makes me unable to go out from my house. My depression is so severe that I am trapped in a constant apathy that means that even the most difficult tasks such as taking a shower or preparing a meal become unbearable as if it was something utterly hellish. This is some kind of vicious circle I don't know how to cast away in order to feel better. 

 

However I intend to see a gender therapist when I'll feel ready. I am so sick of living in this nightmare. 

[Charlize]

Welcome Alice.  I'm glad you have reached out here.  For me sharing with others who understood my difficulties helped.  It also helped to read about the steps others took to find a path forward.

I know it took me many small steps to find some peace with myself.  In many things i've wanted everything changed immediately.  Instead i've found once i started moving each small step helped.  Now as i look back i'm amazed and grateful for the progress i've found.  Things are not perfect but i'm mostly content to be myself today.

Keep sharing.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Alice

 

Welcome

 

You have made a significant step in improving your life by opening out your thoughts. Every small step you can make is an improvement. If you feel you cannot go out, begin to live how you feel at home. Take baby steps if you need but keep moving forward. You may amaze yourself by how quickly you move, particularly with mutual support from people here.

 

Tracy

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to transpulse Nihil!

 

Hugs,

Marcie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Nihil,

Gender dysphoria hurts, there's no doubt about it. I know that feeling of hating the image in the mirror. Before I found these forums, I felt completely alone in the world. I kept thinking about finding my way to the top of the tallest building in Grand Rapids and taking that proverbial flying leap. Reaching out to others who understand and care was life saving. Just not feeling alone anymore was a miracle. We are not alone anymore!

 

As I live more and more as myself, the dysphoria weakens. It does get better in time, and you've begun that process just by coming here.

 

Maybe if getting yourself out of the house is too emotionally taxing, you might try finding a therapist online. Just a thought. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MSCHRIS58]

Alice Dear friend,Thank You for sharing ! You are a very awesome and truly heartwarming.As an older individual that experienced an isolation caused by dynamics You and I had been born into.Our paths are so much similar view at my age in sharing my early twenties of age.I had no support.I pray You can confide Your true feelings,In Your mother.In the earlier years,The psychology community new little about transgender dysphoria.Not until the late 1980,Early 1990's.Did historically,We become " the real person we truly are.Trapped in layer of skin and bone,The id .Ready too leave it's mixed up shell".So discussing with others.You made a positive first step forward ,Alice.You used confidence getting here.Thank You! You will feel anxiety,It is our measurement in our feelings of security.Yet finding a counselor that deals with gender issues.Will,And does make You feel whole as a Woman within,Or man.Welcome too this awesome forum/ community.

[Nihil]

Hi. 

Sorry if I answer that lately. Those days have been extremely rough to the point I feel suicidal and prone to commit something irredeemable. I think the more live, the more gender dysphoria becomes nightmarish to bear. It's a burden that killed me slowly bit by bit throughout those last years of my existence. 

 

I have a rdv with a psychiatrist I used to see in the past and who knows I am trans. I'll see if there is a chance for me to get hormones.  

[Guest Rachel Gia]

If you can find some LGBT groups to become part of it might help.

I started going to spectrum oriented AA meetings and other than the occasional trans support group I attended the rainbow AA meetings were the first place I started connecting with other trans people in person.

I just arrived home from one and along with sharing the emotions and trials that come with transitioning we share our understanding of each other.

The support I get from these friends is priceless.

This of course requires stepping outside of our comfort zones and becoming visible .

[bobbisue]

     Alice I am glad you have reached out here and to your psychiatrist these are the first steps out of your dark existence and into the warm light of self awareness there is much more acceptance and awareness than there was in the sixties and seventies when I was growing up so please come out and join us in the sunshine you can do this as fast or slow as you like your sisters welcome you we are everywhere and we will wait for you

 

     bobbisue

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Alice

 

You are beautiful.  I have dealt with my inner woman since age six.  At 73 I still have to work at letting her out.  Although it has taken a long time, I accept my self as a transgender woman.

 

Keep taking positive step forward and you will learn how beautiful you are.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

[BrandiBri]

hi Alice,

Everyone here is right about the baby steps. Each one makes it easier to take the next one. Congratulations for taking the first steps by sharing with us and seeing your psychiatrist. Hang in there and don't give up, as you find your true self life will get better.

 

Love,

Brandi

[Nihil]

Hi everyone and thanks for all your answers filled with kindness! =) 

 

It's been an entire month since my last presence on this wonderful site. Just as I said before I've reached out an old psychiatrist of mine who knew I was transgender since at least two years. I told her I felt ready to transition, I told that I couldn't keep on living this endless where I was deprived from my true identity. 

She said she would call an endocrinologist Monday in order to get me an appointment. I must say I feel both tremendously anxious and excited. Anxious because it's the first time of my life my transition feels so close, but also endlessly excited because I am about to begin my journey towards my true-self. I've been waiting for this opportunity for so many years of my existence. I must say even though gender dysphoria is nightmarish to bear (I woke up in tears because feeling trapped in this cage of flesh is really one of the most painful experience I've ever head in my entire life) it's been worthwhile to endure all those suicidal thoughts for the sake of being able to live as authentically as possible to who I feel deep down this body I've never considered like man. 

I am extremely impatient to have my hormonal treatment. i've waited so much, I endured so many hardships (each time I saw a reflection of myself in front of a mirror I wanted to end my own existence immediately as if I had to die at all cost) that the perspective of feeling those hormones altering bit by bit my body makes me feel weirdly euphoric. Even my fears of being more depressed due to the effects of hormones have disappeared because I've reached a point of unhealthiness with my depression it seems nothing is able to frighten me. I don't care how many years it will take or many hardships I will go through. I shall never give up. I'd rather die than be forced to be this boy I've never been. Being in peace with my identity is more important than anything else in this world. 

I am still in my twenties. So I don't know what to except about hormones. But I try to be as optimistic as possible (which is not the simplest thing to do considering how pessimistic I used to be younger). 

I even consider changing utterly my wardrobe. I guess starting to dress in the gender I identity with so strongly will help to cast away just a little bit all those feelings self-loathing and denial I had throughout all those years. 

[Jani]

Congratulations on making this step towards happiness.  I know you're impatient but remember this is like a marathon not a sprint.  At your age you will do fine.  Changes from hormones will come in their own time so be patient once you start.  In the meantime add some new clothing to your wardrobe to start the change to the new you.  

 

Jani

[Gwen]

Hi Alice,

 

I'm so glad you found this place and hope you don't feel so isolated with your new friends on Trans Pulse. Congrats on finding the courage to reach out to your old psychiatrist, someone who knows you well. It sounds like this connection has opened the door for you to move forward and seek HRT. Yes, we all know the pain of dysphoria, but only you know how it feels for you. As others have written, it will get better and try your best to be patient. It's time to nurture yourself, begin loving the person inside, and do kind things for her. Start buying her clothing and jewelry - anything will help. She'll let you know when she's feeling happy

 

I wish you luck and send hugs from afar.

 

Gwen

[SandraG]

Alice, I'm really glad you've taken steps to address the issues that you face! 

I'm one of those unfortunate ones that's been unconcsciously dealing with these issues without realizing the true cause of the issues, so I can't imagine the GD-specific, long-term issues that you're facing, but I can DEFINITELY empathize with the fear and anxiety of confronting your issues with a psychological professional... my parents forced me into it (for a different issue), and it has been a TREMENDOUS help, far more so than the terror that I faced going into therapy. Opening up to someone in that emotionally and mentally a way is often terrifying; I'm glad that you found someone you felt comfortable opening up to.

 

It gets easier, not only knowing that there's someone that is willing to understand, but has taken the time to understand on a far deeper level than laypeople can, the issues involved. 

 

I hope that HRT helps. This is the thing that I'm looking forward to most, but I still haven't reached out to a local therapist about my issues (for a couple reasons, one good(ish), one fear-based). You're being far braver than you know right now!

 

Keep it up, girl! You don't know that you can deal with this yet, but you REALLY can!!  I've learned as another new member how many incredibly loving and supportive people you've found here!

 

[Nihil]

Thanks for your answers. =) 

 

Dysphoria becomes sometimes nightmarish to bear (especially in cases like tonight) and it's sometimes very difficult to not get engulfed by all this negativity. But I try to resist as much as I can. The perspective of me getting hormones became a huge obsession of mine. I think about it all the time. IT's as if my entire mind was only focused on it. 

 

How did you feel all when you took HRT? 

[Jani]

I think there is a sort of placebo effect for some folks when they start.  The actual effects take a while to kick in.  I found the mental changes after a couple months and the beginning of some physical change a bit later.  But we're all different so your results may vary from mine. 

 

Jani

[Nihil]

Hi. 

 

Unfortunately the last news aren't really good. I had to suffer because of the utter incompetence of my psychiatrist. Unbeknownst to me, she sent the phone number of my mother (she thought it was my number for irrational reasons). After I told her it wasn't my number she had to send because I don't want my mother to be aware of my transition for the time being, she said she would call her in order to fix her mistake. 

Guess what? My mother had received a phone number of my psychiatrist this morning. I am so grateful to my psychiatrist. o/ 

[Ravin]

Your mother does not necessarily know why you are seeing the psychiatrist? From what you have described, depression and anxiety have crippled your ability to deal with day to day life. Hopefully your mother will be glad you are getting help. If she received the message that you have been referred to an endocrinologist, you can tell her the psych referred to you to get help for a possible hormone imbalance. 

 

On the other hand, you're bound to have to tell your mother sooner or later. Many parents find that it's a shock at first, and she will need some time to adjust (this is something you have struggled with for years, but for her the struggle will be new), but odds are that she would rather in the long run have a living, happy  daughter than to see her child keep suffering. 

[Nihil]

Hi Ravin, 

 

In fact, she knows I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for my issues with depression and anxiety (I am severely depressed to the point I have to deal all the time with suicidal thoughts and it becomes harder and harder the more my dysphoria gets nightmarishly intense). The thing is, what she doesn't know (well, after what happened, she is quite suspicious) is that I contacted her once again because I wanted to begin my transition in order to feel at least in peace with my inner self. I denied the fact that I was transgender for so many years I was about to have an enormous emotional breakdown if I hadn't told my psychiatrist about my intention to transition. 

What makes me awfully angry towards her is the fact that I told her thousand times I didn't want my mother to be aware of my intentions for the time being, because I wanted to have enough time before making my coming out. I mean, I've always lived with a mother whose religion makes her quite narrow-minded about transgender people and our relationship is quite unhealthy. 

Therefore sending my mother's phone number to my psychiatrist is quite despicable as a professional and I am very, very angry about it.