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MaryMary

All is a question of perspective / my own self image

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MaryMary

I learned what "trans*" was 5 years ago because a popular talk show here in the province of Quebec interviewed a popular transgender woman.

I always thought I was a woman . It's something I carry with me ever since childhood and strangely enough it has manifested itself physically many time making it impossible for me to hide.

 

I understand where the community stand right now but I have a hard time changing my opinion of myself. To me, I'm mentally ill, I have a deformity. That's exactly what I thought at 7 and it stayed with me until now. I know this kind of thing is taboo but it's hard to think something for 32 years and suddenly change it. When I talk about HRT to people around me, I talk about my "medicine", when I talk about SRS I often talk about it like a reconstructive surgery. Before SRS I secretly was imagining the doctor finding my uterus while cutting the other parts. I think it's a left over from my childhood where I was thinking that "it" would fall down. I remember I was searching my real parts underneath "it".

 

I don't think my story is unique but I often find it embarrassing even in the transgender community. I often sound like a "truscum" or whatever without even thinking about all of that. It's hard for me to be true to my own life story and sound accepting at the same time. I'm I the only one?  I understand that everybody has it's own unique story and I'm not saying i'm right in the grand scheme of things. (I absolutely don't want to impose that on anybody). But, I'm definitively "that" kind of trans* and I've been for a long time.

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VickySGV

You are  not talking about ANYTHING many of us here on the Forums, and even over in chat, have not thought about ourselves at one time or another, and had it hit us HARD and in a very demoralizing way.  Just because I have had GCS does  not make me any more "Trans" than any who are looking at their first time out as their True Self and have not gotten beard shadow covered right just yet.  You are not alone in what you are going through vy any means.  GD can make you think you are mentally ill, but it really boils down to listening to others about who and what they think we are, and by the fact that they are many and we are just ourself and we feel sickened by the pressure.  As you take steps that are right for YOU (not anyone else's) you will begin to feel more confident and thus mentally healthier.  You will begin to see yourself as the one person who is healthy in all the crowd not only of Cis people, but even in your own Trans crowd. 

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Jani

Mary your questions, hopes and dreams are the similar to those of all of us have, yet in our own personal way.  While I would doubt that you are mentally ill anymore than I am, we do struggle with voices in our heads that long to be heard. Dysphoria can take many forms, whether physical or social and it will ebb and flow dependent upon lots of parameters that are unique to each of us.  As you may experience we have up days and down days, and yet we keep moving forward.  Your self image is not invalidated by any others.  You are unique.    

 

Jani

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DenimAndLace

@MaryMary I appreciate your honesty!  I think it's ironic that all of us are striving to be "ourselves" and yet we often think or feel pressured to conform to "popular thinking" about what being transgender really means.  I sure as heck don't KNOW what it is but I know I have "it".  Is it a mental illness???  No one KNOWS for sure.  Some adamantly say no, others say yes but does it really matter?  I guarantee it's a "thing" for sure!!!

 

This was an epiphany for me.  Just because you believe something, it doesn't make it is true.  If you can't prove it conclusively, then by definition, it is at best, a mere belief.  And if it's a mere belief, we are each free to have our own ...and respect those who hold different beliefs.

 

I don't have the answers to all the transgender questions nor do I have strong beliefs on the matter but if it makes you feel better, I myself have wondered if what I have is a mental anomaly and a birth defect.  And I generally think of my HRT as providing what my body cannot make (by defect) on it's own.  If some day, someone proves that it is indeed a mental illness, well, then I guess I have a mental illness.  It wont change that much for me personally.  In the end, my experience, my thoughts and my beliefs are uniquely mine.  I'm learning to celebrate that and I'm learning to appreciate the uniqueness of each and every human being.

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MaryMary
Just now, DenimAndLace said:

Just because you believe something, it doesn't make it is true.

 

Totally :D. I remain open to all posibilities. I love the way you think. I love all your input. It's really nice to read.

 

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bobbisue

     Mary I don't think being trans means we are mentally ill but if it does I personally do not want to go back to being "sane". I spent 55 years in ignorance and then denial until i could deny no more my body is wrong I am not even though  I am going through a very rough time I will never go back there is nothing left for me there. I have found acceptance and experienced happiness in a way I didn't know existed this is my wish for you and all my sisters and brothers 

 

     bobbisue:)

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MaryMary

like @DenimAndLace said : it's not because I believe it that it's true. If I take things objectivelly I think it's pretty safe to say i'm 100% sane especially compared to people who say they are. It's just an old childhood impression!? A long winded, almost subconscious thing.

 

I never meant it like a sane / insane thing but more like just an illness... just like having a cough and taking medicine to relieve the symptoms. I am transgender and I take HRT to relieve the symptoms. I think that anybody who have any sorts of mental illness should have the right to be able to treat it to live happily.

 

that being said I don't really think it's true. I have other theories that interest me far more on a rational level.

One thing's for sure those childhood beliefs sticks. I can't seem to really shake them. lol

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DenimAndLace
1 minute ago, bobbisue said:

I don't think being trans means we are mentally ill but if it does I personally do not want to go back to being "sane".

 

Love it!

 

2 hours ago, MaryMary said:

 

Totally :D. I remain open to all possibilities. I love the way you think. I love all your input. It's really nice to read.

 

 

Thanks.  Being trans made me this way.  :) Years of journaling my thoughts...

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DenimAndLace
Just now, MaryMary said:

One thing's for sure those childhood beliefs sticks. I can't seem to really shake them. lol

 

You're not alone Mary.  We've been told all of our lives we're a boy/girl with just ONE voice opposing the tsunami.  I'm five years into transition and the voices of opposition are still echoing in my head not to mention society at large.  Some days I go without doubts but rarely a week will pass without an episode of doubt.  However, the scale is definitely tipped for me.  More often than not, I'm so relieved and happy with the treatments I have received.  I haven't arrived in my own utopia but I can't imagine ever regretting the progress I've made.  I hope it will be the same for you.

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MaryMary
11 hours ago, DenimAndLace said:

 

.  I hope it will be the same for you.

 

it's been 4 years and i'm in a really better place now then at the time I came out. In fact, it doesn't even compare. I'm far stronger mentally, far more social, far better at my work (because no depression), far more open and far more self confident. These days are tough because one of my old friendship probably hit the dust. This friend is unpredictable so I'm always afraid on how he will react. That stress me out. But it's just a pretty normal bump in the road. Win some, lose some like they say :P

 

I doubt about once a week too but I always try to concider many alternatives with everything in life. I'm trying to take the better path for my 2 children. But i'm pretty much past that right now because anyway I can't really go back. The easiest path for me to continue on the good progress i've made through transition.

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MarcieMarie12

I often wonder if the problem stems from the physical or the mental. Probably a combination of both to some degree, the catalyst being treated as the sex assigned at birth. We have to breakout of that treatment, often very forcefully and  It leads to conflict to those that disagree for their own reasons, which we would rather avoid. I decided that I would not put up with any hostility from those that knew me before and soon realized that me being trans is not something I need to share with everyone.

 

 

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Charlize

I keep going back to this thread.  I really can't say if my being trans* is for a physical or mental reason.  I do know that since i was a child i felt things were off with my gender.  I did my best to be the person that society wanted and it took quite a toll.  I learned how to lie, how to hide secrets and how to still find the occasional relief.  When i finally came out and started a path to acceptance and honesty i started to feel better.  Each step since then has helped and slowly i've become comfortable as myself regardless of society. 

I do feel badly when others are ashamed to be with me.  I have a "friend", an old drinking buddy, who i have often have met for breakfast now that we don't drink together.  He has refused to allow me to come to a restaurant where he normally has his breakfast.  He always wants to go to a place near me.  Although he "accepts" me it is increasingly obvious that i am an embarrassment to him.  As much as i enjoy his company i doubt i will accept his invitations in the future.  I refuse to feel "less than" simply for being myself.

As to the word normal, i was once told when i doubted my "normality" that normal was a "relative measuring stick".  I love that definition.  In the cis world i may not be normal but here i am quite normal.  If i break down the cis world into job description, sexual preference, age or any other variable where is normal?   Attempting to be normal is a never ending ordeal.  I'm happy to accept my own reality as being my norm.  I can perhaps only can find peace with myself through self acceptance.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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MaryMary
1 hour ago, Charlize said:

 I really can't say if my being trans* is for a physical or mental reason.

 

it is noteworthy to say in the context of this thread that the brain is an organ and that physical or mental is pretty much one and the same. When we say "this person have a mental illness" it is to say that that person have a problem with the organ called "brain". This idea helped me realize that the "why" is not that important in the end.

 

that being said the childhood "beliefs" I had still linger in this brain of mine :D

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DenimAndLace
3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I keep going back to this thread.  

...I felt things were off with my gender.

...be the person that society wanted and it took quite a toll.

I learned how to lie, how to hide secrets and how to still find the occasional relief.  

When i finally came out... I started to feel better.  Each step since then has helped...

...I've become comfortable as myself regardless of society. 

 

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I doubt i will accept his invitations in the future.  I refuse to feel "less than" simply for being myself.

...Attempting to be normal is a never ending ordeal.  I'm happy to accept my own reality as being my norm.  I can perhaps only find peace with myself through self acceptance.

 

Sorry to truncate that so much @Charlize(Just trying to conserve space). That was VERY well said! 

 

lately I don't know if I'm male, female, trans*, mentally ill, deformed or a space alien but frankly, I don't give a ___. I'm me!  I'm as unique as the 100 people in this restaurant with me! and I deserve a fair shot at a happy life just like anyone else!  I intend no one any harm and if I can, I'd like too make their lives better today.

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