Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
MaryMary

All is a question of perspective / my own self image

Recommended Posts

MaryMary

I learned what "trans*" was 5 years ago because a popular talk show here in the province of Quebec interviewed a popular transgender woman.

I always thought I was a woman . It's something I carry with me ever since childhood and strangely enough it has manifested itself physically many time making it impossible for me to hide.

 

I understand where the community stand right now but I have a hard time changing my opinion of myself. To me, I'm mentally ill, I have a deformity. That's exactly what I thought at 7 and it stayed with me until now. I know this kind of thing is taboo but it's hard to think something for 32 years and suddenly change it. When I talk about HRT to people around me, I talk about my "medicine", when I talk about SRS I often talk about it like a reconstructive surgery. Before SRS I secretly was imagining the doctor finding my uterus while cutting the other parts. I think it's a left over from my childhood where I was thinking that "it" would fall down. I remember I was searching my real parts underneath "it".

 

I don't think my story is unique but I often find it embarrassing even in the transgender community. I often sound like a "truscum" or whatever without even thinking about all of that. It's hard for me to be true to my own life story and sound accepting at the same time. I'm I the only one?  I understand that everybody has it's own unique story and I'm not saying i'm right in the grand scheme of things. (I absolutely don't want to impose that on anybody). But, I'm definitively "that" kind of trans* and I've been for a long time.

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

You are  not talking about ANYTHING many of us here on the Forums, and even over in chat, have not thought about ourselves at one time or another, and had it hit us HARD and in a very demoralizing way.  Just because I have had GCS does  not make me any more "Trans" than any who are looking at their first time out as their True Self and have not gotten beard shadow covered right just yet.  You are not alone in what you are going through vy any means.  GD can make you think you are mentally ill, but it really boils down to listening to others about who and what they think we are, and by the fact that they are many and we are just ourself and we feel sickened by the pressure.  As you take steps that are right for YOU (not anyone else's) you will begin to feel more confident and thus mentally healthier.  You will begin to see yourself as the one person who is healthy in all the crowd not only of Cis people, but even in your own Trans crowd. 

Share this post


Link to post
Jani423

Mary your questions, hopes and dreams are the similar to those of all of us have, yet in our own personal way.  While I would doubt that you are mentally ill anymore than I am, we do struggle with voices in our heads that long to be heard. Dysphoria can take many forms, whether physical or social and it will ebb and flow dependent upon lots of parameters that are unique to each of us.  As you may experience we have up days and down days, and yet we keep moving forward.  Your self image is not invalidated by any others.  You are unique.    

 

Jani

Share this post


Link to post
DenimAndLace

@MaryMary I appreciate your honesty!  I think it's ironic that all of us are striving to be "ourselves" and yet we often think or feel pressured to conform to "popular thinking" about what being transgender really means.  I sure as heck don't KNOW what it is but I know I have "it".  Is it a mental illness???  No one KNOWS for sure.  Some adamantly say no, others say yes but does it really matter?  I guarantee it's a "thing" for sure!!!

 

This was an epiphany for me.  Just because you believe something, it doesn't make it is true.  If you can't prove it conclusively, then by definition, it is at best, a mere belief.  And if it's a mere belief, we are each free to have our own ...and respect those who hold different beliefs.

 

I don't have the answers to all the transgender questions nor do I have strong beliefs on the matter but if it makes you feel better, I myself have wondered if what I have is a mental anomaly and a birth defect.  And I generally think of my HRT as providing what my body cannot make (by defect) on it's own.  If some day, someone proves that it is indeed a mental illness, well, then I guess I have a mental illness.  It wont change that much for me personally.  In the end, my experience, my thoughts and my beliefs are uniquely mine.  I'm learning to celebrate that and I'm learning to appreciate the uniqueness of each and every human being.

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
Just now, DenimAndLace said:

Just because you believe something, it doesn't make it is true.

 

Totally :D. I remain open to all posibilities. I love the way you think. I love all your input. It's really nice to read.

 

Share this post


Link to post
bobbisue

     Mary I don't think being trans means we are mentally ill but if it does I personally do not want to go back to being "sane". I spent 55 years in ignorance and then denial until i could deny no more my body is wrong I am not even though  I am going through a very rough time I will never go back there is nothing left for me there. I have found acceptance and experienced happiness in a way I didn't know existed this is my wish for you and all my sisters and brothers 

 

     bobbisue:)

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

like @DenimAndLace said : it's not because I believe it that it's true. If I take things objectivelly I think it's pretty safe to say i'm 100% sane especially compared to people who say they are. It's just an old childhood impression!? A long winded, almost subconscious thing.

 

I never meant it like a sane / insane thing but more like just an illness... just like having a cough and taking medicine to relieve the symptoms. I am transgender and I take HRT to relieve the symptoms. I think that anybody who have any sorts of mental illness should have the right to be able to treat it to live happily.

 

that being said I don't really think it's true. I have other theories that interest me far more on a rational level.

One thing's for sure those childhood beliefs sticks. I can't seem to really shake them. lol

Share this post


Link to post
DenimAndLace
1 minute ago, bobbisue said:

I don't think being trans means we are mentally ill but if it does I personally do not want to go back to being "sane".

 

Love it!

 

2 hours ago, MaryMary said:

 

Totally :D. I remain open to all possibilities. I love the way you think. I love all your input. It's really nice to read.

 

 

Thanks.  Being trans made me this way.  :) Years of journaling my thoughts...

Share this post


Link to post
DenimAndLace
Just now, MaryMary said:

One thing's for sure those childhood beliefs sticks. I can't seem to really shake them. lol

 

You're not alone Mary.  We've been told all of our lives we're a boy/girl with just ONE voice opposing the tsunami.  I'm five years into transition and the voices of opposition are still echoing in my head not to mention society at large.  Some days I go without doubts but rarely a week will pass without an episode of doubt.  However, the scale is definitely tipped for me.  More often than not, I'm so relieved and happy with the treatments I have received.  I haven't arrived in my own utopia but I can't imagine ever regretting the progress I've made.  I hope it will be the same for you.

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
11 hours ago, DenimAndLace said:

 

.  I hope it will be the same for you.

 

it's been 4 years and i'm in a really better place now then at the time I came out. In fact, it doesn't even compare. I'm far stronger mentally, far more social, far better at my work (because no depression), far more open and far more self confident. These days are tough because one of my old friendship probably hit the dust. This friend is unpredictable so I'm always afraid on how he will react. That stress me out. But it's just a pretty normal bump in the road. Win some, lose some like they say :P

 

I doubt about once a week too but I always try to concider many alternatives with everything in life. I'm trying to take the better path for my 2 children. But i'm pretty much past that right now because anyway I can't really go back. The easiest path for me to continue on the good progress i've made through transition.

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

I often wonder if the problem stems from the physical or the mental. Probably a combination of both to some degree, the catalyst being treated as the sex assigned at birth. We have to breakout of that treatment, often very forcefully and  It leads to conflict to those that disagree for their own reasons, which we would rather avoid. I decided that I would not put up with any hostility from those that knew me before and soon realized that me being trans is not something I need to share with everyone.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

I keep going back to this thread.  I really can't say if my being trans* is for a physical or mental reason.  I do know that since i was a child i felt things were off with my gender.  I did my best to be the person that society wanted and it took quite a toll.  I learned how to lie, how to hide secrets and how to still find the occasional relief.  When i finally came out and started a path to acceptance and honesty i started to feel better.  Each step since then has helped and slowly i've become comfortable as myself regardless of society. 

I do feel badly when others are ashamed to be with me.  I have a "friend", an old drinking buddy, who i have often have met for breakfast now that we don't drink together.  He has refused to allow me to come to a restaurant where he normally has his breakfast.  He always wants to go to a place near me.  Although he "accepts" me it is increasingly obvious that i am an embarrassment to him.  As much as i enjoy his company i doubt i will accept his invitations in the future.  I refuse to feel "less than" simply for being myself.

As to the word normal, i was once told when i doubted my "normality" that normal was a "relative measuring stick".  I love that definition.  In the cis world i may not be normal but here i am quite normal.  If i break down the cis world into job description, sexual preference, age or any other variable where is normal?   Attempting to be normal is a never ending ordeal.  I'm happy to accept my own reality as being my norm.  I can perhaps only can find peace with myself through self acceptance.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
1 hour ago, Charlize said:

 I really can't say if my being trans* is for a physical or mental reason.

 

it is noteworthy to say in the context of this thread that the brain is an organ and that physical or mental is pretty much one and the same. When we say "this person have a mental illness" it is to say that that person have a problem with the organ called "brain". This idea helped me realize that the "why" is not that important in the end.

 

that being said the childhood "beliefs" I had still linger in this brain of mine :D

Share this post


Link to post
DenimAndLace
3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I keep going back to this thread.  

...I felt things were off with my gender.

...be the person that society wanted and it took quite a toll.

I learned how to lie, how to hide secrets and how to still find the occasional relief.  

When i finally came out... I started to feel better.  Each step since then has helped...

...I've become comfortable as myself regardless of society. 

 

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I doubt i will accept his invitations in the future.  I refuse to feel "less than" simply for being myself.

...Attempting to be normal is a never ending ordeal.  I'm happy to accept my own reality as being my norm.  I can perhaps only find peace with myself through self acceptance.

 

Sorry to truncate that so much @Charlize(Just trying to conserve space). That was VERY well said! 

 

lately I don't know if I'm male, female, trans*, mentally ill, deformed or a space alien but frankly, I don't give a ___. I'm me!  I'm as unique as the 100 people in this restaurant with me! and I deserve a fair shot at a happy life just like anyone else!  I intend no one any harm and if I can, I'd like too make their lives better today.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 11 Guests (See full list)

    • jae bear
    • MaryEllen
    • Jani423
    • Briana
    • tamt
    • VeronicaStone
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • Timber Wolf
      There once was a deputy named Fife. He carried a gun and a knife. The gun was all dusty. And the knife was all rusty. Cause he never caught a crook in his life   That's for you fans of Andy!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾  
    • VeronicaStone
      I am less than keen of the idea of posting personal information on Discord, which makes money by selling data. Mattermost would be a better option.
    • tracy_j
      In my opinion you have not really separated your finances at all. It's just bits and pieces that have been hived off. It sounds like it's time to take her decision to seperate finances and form a plan between yourselves to do it. I am not familiar with your type of lifestyle. My partner and I have always had seperate finances except for the mortgage account , which was used just for buying the house, which I always handled, so I am not in the ideal position to advise you how to do things. Perhaps pay off the credit card with a fresh one opened by yourself then close the original one, saying you got a good deal to work it out.   There again, it seems like symptoms of deeper issues. Your wife may well not see things the way you do. I can only say that the way I did things in the end was to move ahead and trust that things would workout. That is not to say I was inconsiderate, but being confident in myself, rather than uncertain, trying placate someone who was probably very unsure herself too, has seemed to make all the difference.   Hope it helps!   Tracy
    • Cindy Truheart
      Okay.   Background and context first.   My wife of 13 years has been working on becoming my best friend and roommate. (Hella long story there, let's just move on.) So after she found out that she was going to get some money from an insurance policy (something like $10k), she suddenly decided that she wanted to separate our finances. At first, this crushed me because it meant that she felt she couldn't trust me. It hurt me on another level because despite my making more money than her the entire time we've been together and the 2 years of her not working and me paying the bills, she didn't want to put any of it toward my surgery. Then, I saw the advantages because rather than constantly having to try and get her to agree to a budget that put money in the bank for my surgery, I would be free to save as much as I wanted!   But the separating of the finances isn't going so well. I pay off a credit card, tell her it's paid and that we shouldn't use it. Then discover two months later that she's used it and that no payments have been made. Late fees abound, joy. The Amazon account that we shared was in my name, so of course we just left it alone, she pays me for anything she orders. But every time she orders something, she uses the points on the card to reduce her bill. I finally said something about it and she acted like I was being a penny pinching jerk, when I'm the one building up the points. We'll be out doing something and she'll offer to pay for whatever (dinner, coffee, drinks, etc), but she puts it on the joint account and when it comes time to settle up she's suddenly "forgotten" she offered to pay! And to top it all off, because she works for the leasing company that runs our apartment complex, she gets a discount for the rent. SHE gets a discount on the rent... $268 a month for an approximate bill of $1400. Oh, and she makes as much as I do now....   I'll be honest, I don't think she's being malicious, but I'm kinda getting $(*%&. I'm thinking about removing myself from the joint credit card and the joint account. I already have my direct deposits going into a new bank with my new checking account. I don't know whats going on with her, but I feel like I need to protect myself, my credit. I had thought she didn't trust me and it hurt. But her actions seem to be telling me to stop trusting her.   There are many other factors here, many other emotions and things going on. I don't want to make a wrong step and ruin what we have left. But lately I'm wondering, what the hell DO we have left? It's been very important to me to keep her in my life in whatever way possible. Unfortunately I've learned she doesn't see things the same way that I do and that love isn't always enough in this world....   So I'm wondering, is it time to finally make a hard break? This halfway, quasi-break up is beginning to get under my skin. I'm finally starting to understand myself and how to navigate this world as me (STARTING!) And between her depression and this passive-aggressive behavior, I'm kinda done with it all. I'm beginning to pull myself out of a pit of depression that I've lived in for my entire life. And it seems to me that every time I've managed to pull myself out of that swirling maelstrom of black madness, I'm getting pulled back in. If it isn't one thing, it's another. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I can't get a man and I can't have my best friend. I'm feeling like it's time to go solo again.... But I hate that lonely road too.... Advice is REALLY welcome here, and thank you.
    • Hey, it's Alex!
      Hey Jae Bear, Yeah, I can understand your poetry problems. I have the same issue a large majority of the time. I use both writing and drawing as an outlet, so a lot of my feeling goes into them. This can be both good and bad, but it can definitely help sometimes. As for my drawing, I do not plan on stopping anytime soon. I also doubt you're as bad as you're making yourself out to be. If you want to do a comic style, go for it! ~Alex
    • jae bear
      What do you call the new Disneyland ‘Alice in wonderland’ ride where they pass out estradot patches?     It’s an E ticket ride
    • jae bear
      Hi Bobbi Sue, Yes it has been a long time, 27 years goes by so much quicker than you could imagine. And yet I find myself so impatient with my HRT? I’m sorry about the tissue supply but it’s nice to know I’m not just a sentimental fool and cry for any reason, all of these words are very personal parts of myself I am so glad I have someone to share them and people like you to read them. squishy hug, Jae
    • jae bear
      Hi Alex, I love to draw to relax, I honestly wish I was good enough to do a comic style antro set of characters, I would style it after my poems. Those poems are rough, I didn’t think that I’d cry the whole way through or every time I read them, they’re terrible and the form is awful but the content came from a place I keep locked up... I think I want to do a lot more writing, the poems seem to come easily to my head, almost like listening to music but sometimes I can’t shut it off. I hear it when I go to bed and I hear it when I wake up now and it’s really a bit tough as I nearly cry every time and it makes me late for work. But I know that it’s good for me and it opens parts of me that would never be heard if I didn’t allow myself to listen. so I encourage you to do the same, if you’re a writer you should write everything that you can imagine and let others see it so we can all benefit from your gift. If you love to draw you should draw as often as you can even if you’re terrible like me, the good artists are the ones that never quit. big squishy hug, Jae
    • Jani423
      What's most disturbing is that it is espoused by the party that wants smaller government, i.e less intrusion in personal lives.  I guess only when it suits their agendas.    Jani
    • Hey, it's Alex!
      Hey Jae Bear, That's amazing. I'm a big fan of poetry and yeah, it can be pretty intense sometimes. It's pretty cool that you're an artist. Drawing (and writing) is great and you are very correct, they are both very good for you. ~Alex
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      64,827
    • Total Posts
      586,886
  • TransPulse Partners

×