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Rough week

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I thought about killing myself yesterday. It feel so surreal to be back to work today like nothing happened when it did. I had a bad episode. Previously I had made plans and written out a note, but I showed them to one of my primary partners and we agreed I would work from home to be safe. I was going to be ok but then there was a bit of a fight and I saw an opportunity and I slipped away, but my partner noticed I was gone and called me and we talked and I came back home. I just feel like I should tell people. I just...


It's really hard right now. I am exhausted from 2017 and politics and having to cut ties with some family and struggling to reconnect with others. I don't like not knowing what exactly I am. I am having trouble with one of my anchor partners so my home life feels less stable. I am in therapy and couples therapy and everything, but I am scared I am getting worse which makes me worse in a horrible cycle.


I am safe, and I have people who love me. I guess what I'm looking for is people who understand or have been here before. This fear that if I change anything I will lose what's most important (family, loved ones, stability, my job) but if I don't I won't be true to myself and will just hurt more in the long run. This hatred of being in-between, this hatred of my masculine feelings and my feminine body both. Is this normal, am I ok? Will everything be okay again someday?

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This is absolutely normal.  Gender issues - and everything that comes with them - can and often does lead to suicidal thoughts.  There can be the prevailing feeling that suicide is the easier option, rather than having to deal with the hardship and potential discrimination surrounding transition.


I've found, though, that it's rarely as bad as we think it will be.  Yes, there will always be people sticking their noses in with disapproval when it's none of their business.  But the people who matter are those who will recognize and accept that we're happy in our new selves.  I'm not going to tell you not to worry about how your existing relationships might change, because that's a fact of life for a lot of us.  You are right, though, that suppressing your true identity will only lead to more intense pain in the future. 


I would recommend finding a therapist who is experienced with gender issues to discuss these things with.  Those therapists are also conversant in general mental health issues, so the transition to a new one shouldn't be too difficult.  You can find gender therapists in your area by plugging in your ZIP code in our resource locator.

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1 hour ago, clockworkdragon said:

This hatred of being in-between, this hatred of my masculine feelings and my feminine body both. Is this normal, am I ok? Will everything be okay again someday?


This is very much what most of us go through, or have gone through.  I am on The Other Side of transition and can assure you that in time it will be OK.  Change is going to happen in your life and relationships whether you transition or not and in 5 years you will not recognize the life you have today.  This will be true whether you have gone ahead with transition to your Authentic Self, or have been "a good girl" and not transitioned.  In my case, the journey has been the other way, but the lesson is the same, if I had not transitioned when I did 11 years ago I would be a 70 year old "male" who was bitter and hopeless about my life.  I did transition 11 years ago, and am a 70 year old woman who would happily put on another lifetime if I could.  I would have lost friends and family due to their old age either way.  My bitterness would have driven others out of my life, and I may not have lived this long because of the world class drinking I was doing back then.  By being here, you are in a wonderful place.

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Timber Wolf

Hi Clockwork Dragon,

As Dev said, your feelings are very normal and common. A few years ago, I was feeling completely alone in the world and having thoughts of suicide. Oh, I had family and all, but they didn't know I was trans. I imagined all sorts of horrible things happening if they found out.


Then I found these forums. It was my first contact with other trans people. I intuitively knew that I had to participate, it wouldn't be enough to just read posts. So I got involved in conversations here. I became connected with others who are going through this. That's what saved me. 


I'm also a recovering adict, and in NA we have a saying that is equally pertinent here, "what we can not do on our own, we can do together." I couldn't deal with being transgender on my own. I needed help.


Gender therapists are great, and I recomend you try to find one if you can. But TransPulse is where I find the togetherness I need. I find the support here I can't find anywhere else. And it is here that I truly find the courage to do what I have to do, by seeing others doing it.


And it does get better. Life will always have its challenges for us. That can't be escaped. But it really does get better, together!


Lots of love and a big hug❤,

Timber Wolf🐾


Here's a hug from Huggybear, too!❤


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Thank you. It's so helpful to hear that others have been through this. I don't know what I want to do yet but honestly being able to say, this is normal, I am ok, will help I think.

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Awesome advice above!  I can only add one thought and my own story.  The infamous statistic (40%) is for those who attempt.  I often wonder how many ideate (plan and prepare).  It must be close to 100%.  So in that regard, you are not alone @clockworkdragon.  I'm sure glad you are feeling better today and I hope that trend continues however, there will likely be stormy days ahead.


My story comes to you from the other side of transition.  I lost my church, some friends, my parents, a brother and basically my spouses entire family.  It was then, and remains, brutally painful but it has gotten better with time.  My relationship with my spouse, which was tepid before transition, has improved dramatically.  My relationship with my sister and other brother has gotten much deeper.  My friends today are a lot like my old friends but they at least enjoy and accept me as "me".  We found a church that accepts us as a lesbian couple and it's filled with plenty of people to get to know.  My world view has changed profoundly and in ways I never expected but it's very good too.  I AM a better person today.  I'm at peace.  The angst is gone.  I still have big struggles - like doubts about WHY people love me (because I am not the same person they originally knew) or what is my purpose for being here if God is a mystery.  But life is more "good" than "bad" and definitely better than it was prior to transition.  This is my "transition Summary": 


It was unbelievably hard ...but unimaginably good and I'd definitely do it again


And, as @VickySGV said, I'd gladly add another lifetime onto whatever is left of this one.  I hope you continue to persevere Clockworkdragon.  I think (and hope) you'll find the peace you're looking for.  Don't give up.

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The nice thing about the community is that we all know what you are going trough because I feel we all go trough similar struggles. We are all there behind you rooting for you. Don't give up. Like DenimAndLace say : there's light at the end of the tunnel. The nice thing is that once you get trough the hardest part you then have extra mental strength and still everything in front of you left to do.

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There have certainly been times during my journey when i felt much as you describe.  For most of my life i simply pushed everything away.  That may well have been one of the reasons i gave into an addiction that was certainly a way towards an exit either temporary or permanent.  When i got sober i also had to confront my gender issues.  Time, therapy, but most importantly honesty has helped me find some peace with myself.  It's certainly not perfect but as others have expressed above it can get better.  Being here and sharing both triumphs and difficulties with others has been a big part of finding self acceptance.

You are not alone.





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     Clockworkdragon I can empathize with what you are feeling I have been contemplating my demise very recently culminating in a meltdown at work one week ago today where i wound up crying in my bosses office I am doing better as well but the thoughts are not far away I just want you to know you are not alone in your pain   As the other ladies have said it does get better which is something I must remind myself of at times like this if things get bad reach out here or in the chat or anywhere you can to find the support you need you are worth it 



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Another rough day. I was doing better. Now I'm not. 


Well I'm doing better than I was Tuesday. I saw something that was triggering and I went to my partner and said "I'm in here now" and curled up on his bed. Didn't want to bother him or interrupt, just be nearby. He curled up around me and we cuddled for hours. I didn't hurt myself. So I guess that's good. No, it is good. 

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(I do still wonder if he sees me as masculine at all. Or if both my partners look at me and see female and are just being polite. Probably the latter. But they accept whatever I tell them I am, so that's all I can hope for right? They don't need to see it. They're both fine with being an all-male triad except that one of them is closeted but whatever, it's fine, i'm not even transitioning right now, everything's fine.) 

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      I love how this is my normal now  
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      I am in the "let it go" category on this one, while this is not best thing to hear as you are picking up your script, it does not surprise me in the least (it's Iowa), if you are transitioning there are all kinds of scenarios where the dead name or gender maker from the past come back to haunt you, this sounds just like such a scenario. The legal name change / gender marker change, makes a difference in many of these instances (not always), and can really help you. If you are presenting female in the world, have a female sounding or neutral name, have a "F" on your documents and a lot of this simply vaporizes.... In the mean time one must put up shields to protect one's emotions...   Best to you   Cyndi -
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