Do I want to BE a boy just look LIKE a boy?

[just_me]

Hi there :] 
I'm fairly new here and as I've grown older (turning 20 this year) I've started to question my gender more and more and I'd appreciate any advice and shared experiences any of you might be able to offer. I've never wrote a blog post like this before and I ramble a lot so please excuse me for the length!

So... I've always connected with guys and tomboys more than girls so most of my friends have always either been men, tomboys or trans. 
 I enjoy wearing clothing from the "men's section" and if you presented me with two shirts that are the exact same size and look/feel the same but one is "for men" and the other was "for women" I would pick the "men's option". I have gone out of my way to cross dress in the past and gone out on walks presenting myself as fully male, it felt really good. 

I've struggled with body dysmorphia most of my life and it has always been about my weight. I used to be a bit heavy from ages 7-10 until we moved from my grandparents house and I lost a lot of weight but still thought I was fat. I've gained more weight again from stress-eating and I'm heavier than ever (not obese!) but I'm working on losing weight this year and I'm still very dysmorphic. 
 However I'd say about a year after my best friend came out to me as trans I started to feel other kind of dysmorphia which was about my breasts and sometimes, though rarely, genitals. I was very confused and brushed it off as me trying to relate to my friend as we often do what the other does because we're very similar and interested in the same things.
 Lately though it has started to affect me more and more, there are days when I feel extremely disconnected from my birth-name and get caught off guard from touching my chest, expecting it to be flat when it's not. I'll be doing something and I'll randomly get this thought of "Things would be so much easier if you were just born a boy" and things like that. This isn't constant though.
 Being viewed as a female isn't a problem for me about 60% of the time, but the rest 40% are absolutely miserable. I have asked a couple of my online friends to refer to me as he/him lately to test it out and it's been nice, even if I feel a bit silly about it at times.
 I've also thought about transitioning multiple times and especially top surgery and facial hair sounds quite appealing to me but as a non-trans person I'm not sure if I could or would be allowed to go trough with it. I think the most accurate labels for myself would be either genderfluid or non binary but after talking with my best friend who is going trough the transitioning process he shared some strong opinions on how non binary people etc are flooding the trans clinics causing issues for ""real trans people"" (each patient should have around 10 visits a year and he currently only has 3 of them booked for the entire 2018). After I said that that's a bit mean he defended his opinion with "nothing wrong with that but they're just not the same" and that "they should have their own clinics". He doesn't know I'm questioning my gender and share interest in transitioning so this of course put me off as I don't believe I'm either 100% male or female. I don't want to be in the way of those who truly need to transition. But even if I did do it, how can I be sure that's what I really want?

I don't know why but I've always found homosexuality in men very emotionally appealing and easier to connect with than heterosexuality. I am a little interested in women as well but it's quite hard for me to imagine myself being in a lesbian relationship with a woman while the thought of being with another man feels very natural for me. 
I would also like to state that even though I prefer presenting myself as more 'masculine' I find the drag queen culture extremely interesting and often find myself thinking it'd be very fun to try it out. My dreams get crushed quickly though by the fact that I'm not qualified to do that and I don't share much interest in being a drag king mostly because that would just be me being me, not impersonating someone else which in my knowledge is the whole point of drag?

In summary, I know I'm not a girl, but I don't know if I want to BE a boy or just LOOK like a boy? What if I am both? Maybe I'm nothing at all? No one knows. 

Thank you for reading this even if it provides zero useful information and doesn't make any sense, I suppose I just needed to vent a little. I appreciate your time and please have a wonderful day :] 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Just_me,

 

Welcome to TransPulse.   One thing I don't like to do is to fit anybody into a specific category. We're all individuals and it's a rare person who would fit completely into a specific category. Personally, I would try to remain fluid enough to be whatever I wanted to be on any given day. But I'm not you and you're not me so I'm afraid that decision will have to be up to you. Have you ever considered counseling with a gender therapist?  If not, it might be to your advantage to do so. He or she could help you find answers as to who and what you really are.

 

MaryEllen

[ChickenLittle]

I'm really sorry to hear that your friend discounted the experiences of nonbinary people. They are just as deserving of resources and treatment as any other trans person (I include nonbinary under the transgender umbrella, since to me trans simply means "does not identify with the gender assigned at birth"). I think that sometimes when people feel frustrated at the difficulties of transitioning, they blame other trans people whose experiences don't seem (to the outside observer) as difficult as their own. We're all trying to navigate a medical system that is at best, still figuring things out, and at worst, totally broken. I hope that you feel supported here regardless of the way you end up describing your gender identity. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Yes, it can be very confusing trying to decide who we are and where we belong and what to do about all of it.  As MaryEllen said, it is often of great benefit to talk with a gender therapist, if that is an option for you.  Or just reading through the threads here of people who are in similar situations to you can be helpful.  Whatever you do, don't stop trying to figure things out.  Solving the mysteries of ourselves is a never ending struggle, and often an enjoyable one.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  I certainly understand the confusion you describe.  Your trans friend is a bit out of line if i may say so.  It takes many of us a good bit of time to settle on one of the binary genders and even then many have a "multi gender" identity.  There is a way of writing trans that expresses the non specific reality of gender.  That is the addition of an * to trans.  (trans*).  Here at the pulse we believe that there is no hierarchy in the trans* community.  We each need to find our own place of comfort.  

I've found my time here helped and shortly after i joined this site i started therapy.  Today i'm mostly at peace with my gender.

You are certainly not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize