Confused and don't know what to do...

[J_S]

Hey... made one post a few months back, and got some helpful insight and I'm really grateful for it. But at the moment, I haven't been able to see my new school therapist because of scheduling issues, and I'm unsure who to go to. So I've been questioning since last September because I've always had this recurring question of "What if I was born a girl instead of a guy" ever since I can remember. The reason I started exploring is that I had both time, and realized that not everyone thinks like this. I've been out dressed (with a friend so I felt safe) more fem, with breast forms, more fem make-up, at an outfest, and felt so nice, confident, and happier with my body. Not only that, but the few friends I have trusted this secret to say I pass w/o hormones or surgery. Moreso recently, every time when I know I can stay in my room in my apartment w/o having to worry about my roommates, I wear my breastforms and I feel so much better with myself, and now I'm actually having trouble sleeping w/o them on. But, some other days I feel ok with my body as is... I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel, and It's actually making it hard to focus on other things like homework. I'm also terrified that this might be a phase (NOT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A PHASE FOR EVERYONE OR ANYONE BUT THE WAY IM TREATING IT FOR MYSELF I DONT KNOW) or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything. 

I started keeping a journal, but thats only slightly helping... and I dont know what other info to say/what to ask for/what I am.

[VickySGV]

33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel,

 

I think I know what you mean here, but I will give the first big answer, that you feel how YOU do and the feelings you have are real as to yourself.  Feelings are good bad or in the middle, but they are not right feelings or wrong feelings, just feelings.  There is no one set of feelings that nails down how a bonafide, 100% <anything in the Trans spectrum> is going to feel.  My personal take is that if you are questioning your gender then you are NOT cis-gender, you are some part of the Trans umbrella but it will take time (50 years in my case) and that is fine since all of us here can tell that story.

 

33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase

 

This may sound smartaleck, but Gender Dysphoria as with other letters of the LGBTQ* community is not a phase. IT IS A LIFE SENTENCE WITHOUT POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE so do not worry that you are doing something wrong or stepping on the toes of those of us who know full well what we are today.  We were in your shoes a few years ago but are here for you today.,

 

If dressing up makes you feel good, get rid of the guilt for enjoying it.  You are just as weird as any person alive, but when dressed you are a happy weird person, and that is what counts.  Some people may claim you are hurting them, but that is not your problem to deal with.  For now, keep calm until you get a chance to see the therapist who will tell you some of what I just did, and get yourself in here reading and talking with the rest of us.  Don't be a stranger any more.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi J_S,

It can be easy to fear this could be just a phase. We wonder, "What if I start really doing something about this and it suddenly ends?" We forget to think about how we've had these feelings and questions for years and they have not ended. They might abate for a while, but they keep coming back.

 

You're still young in life. I've lived a few more years and have spent many of those years trying to bury all this and convince myself that it is just a phase. In the end it didn't work. I'm not going through a phase.

 

Something that can make it difficult to understand ourselves is that there aren't just 2 or 3 catagories of us that we can peg ourselves into. Transgender is a wide spectrum. Therapy can really help here. You said you were in school. I don't know if it's high school or college, but you mentioned an apartment with room mates, but if I remember correctly, you also mentioned needing parental approval for counselling or therapy in you previous post. If there is any way you can see a gender therapist, it would probably help.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[DenimAndLace]

6 hours ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase... or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything.

 

So-what if it IS a phase?  You feel better when you wear the forms and clothes so wear them!  You like being identified in public as a woman so do it!  You like wearing makeup?  Then wear it.  Be proud of who you are and stop being ashamed about it.  You.  Are.  Just.  Fine - just-as-you-are.  If or when the day comes that you're no longer interested in wearing these items, stop.  If or when the day comes that you are confident in your gender, be that gender.  If you want to try a new name, ask your friends to call you something else (you don't have to officially change it).  If your gut tells you to try hormones, give them a try (you CAN stop if you don't like them).  When you have reconciled your gender (even if it takes half you lifetime) you can take whatever steps YOU see fit at THAT time.  You aren't crossing a one way bridge; you're exploring a new world.  Just be YOU and bless the world with your individuality.  You are beautiful!!!! 

[SugarMagnolia]

I love that, @DenimAndLace. What a great positive encouraging message! And one that everyone needs to hear more often. Thank you!

J_S:
Denim, TimberWolf and Vicky said it better than I could, and they're right. Give yourself permission to explore, to try new things, new ways of being and envisioning yourself!

Hugs, 
Julie

[MarcieMarie12]

J_S. , I always thought it was just a phase. I thought it was going to go away as I matured. Quite the opposite happened. By the time I hit my 40's it came back with a vengence. It did not go away. My dysphoria got so bad there was no other choice except transition. 

 

Do you want to go back to being "him"? That's the question I asked myself, and in being honest with myself the answer is no.