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Charlize

Keeping the Poor-Me's from Pour me another

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Charlize

   As an alcoholic in recovery i've learned about the trap of feeling sorry for myself.  I still do from time to time.  It can happen any time.  

   A few days ago i was at the local gas station where i've gone for years.  In NJ we have to have an attendant pump our gas.  I've grown to smile and chat with a young woman who works there quite often. I almost look forward to our chats.   When someone says: "Can i ask you a question"I hate it....."Sure" i said.    She came right out and asked me "How long have you known?" ....."What"....... "How long have you known you were trans".  The point is i don't really care, or thought i didn't. After all i've been out for years now.   I answered "Since childhood."  Then come the surgery question.  Yikes.   I promptly told her was something one didn't ask a trans person as nicely as i could.  She said: "I didn't know".  Perhaps i think she may be a lesbian but guess what.......I didn't ask!

  When i drove out i somehow felt very low especially considering how happy i'd been all day.  i thought i was free from any of this kind of stuff and then all of a sudden there it was again.  All those feelings of early transition.  Stress and worry seemed to fill my mind.  

  So here i am again.  Old fears, and the seemingly inviting feeling of being sorry for myself.  Tears started to well up.  When i got home i did what i used to always do.  i just got very busy, pushed my feelings aside and got to work.  To any onlooker i was just fine but i knew a bug had been planted.

  I know this can happen to me.  I spent a good bit of time in a depressive haze especially after the death of a child.  My drinking took off to an even greater extent shortly after that.  i could understand it when people said:  "You would drink if you were me".  My doctor suggested anti depressants and i gladly took them and continued to drink never being honest about the amounts i was consuming.  If i have a drink now i know from experience that i'll be on that wheel of hell again.

 Diving into work or activity isn't the solution for me anymore.  I've learned now that sharing with others helps.  Especially in AA and here where others understand.  So i shared and here i am sharing again.  I've also learned that i can accept that feeling of hurt.  Like all kinds of pain it will pass with time.  I learned that i can pray and try to think of something greater than myself.  Suddenly my problems seem small if i contemplate the universe.  Seeing beauty in the small or the infinite takes me out of myself for a bit.  A deep breath in and then out slowly, along with a bit of gratitude,  gets me past the "poor me's".  Oh yea it also helps to listen to someone else's problems.  It often makes mine seem so small and maybe i can help them.  Most of all i know that this too will pass if i let it go.  I also know that just like a cut, if i keep picking at it it will get worse.

The simple poor me will become a pour me another.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

  

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Dev

It can be hard to have it thrown back in your face as she did, though I hope she didn't ask with an inflection of judgment in her voice.  I would suggest it's likely someone who knew you back when told her your story - out of place, I might add - rather than this attendant clocking you.  I know, that's little comfort either way, but it's my hope that it will help you to think so as it would help me.

 

12 minutes ago, Charlize said:

The simple poor me will become a pour me another.

 

That self-awareness is something that will serve you well, as I'm sure it has already.

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Guest Rachel Gia

Hi Charlize,

I saw your post and thought I would say "Hello!"

Self Pity is the worst I learned earlier on and dwelling in it for any time more than a minute.

I allowed my self this luxury that normies can indulge in with impunity early in sobriety.

It messed me up for a week but enough of that and into what i did.

Tons of meetings in a very short time like a week or so.

Share when the burning desire option is offered.

Outside all the AA solutions Going for Lunch is also a good one.

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Jani

Charlize I am sorry you had to go through this.   I completely understand the funk it throws one into when a good day is shattered.  I am glad you are stronger now.  I wouldn't want to lose the you that I know.  <Big hug>

 

Jani 

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CyndiRae

You post wisdom from experience Charlize, letting go and having the strength to let go, is respecting yourself. There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on such things. At some point many of us feel like we don't have to be the educator on such topics.

 

If a stranger were to ask "how long have you known you were trans ?", I might be inclined to answer "what's trans ?" :?

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

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Timber Wolf

Hi Charlize,

When a person we talk with and begin to like and trust suddenly says something that sounds like it might be a jab, it feels like being unexpectedly stabbed in the chest with a dagger. It can hurt, confuse, depress, and make you question all kinds if things. 

 

But Charlize, you are a fine person. It's such a blessing to know you, both here and in our online AA group. You may never know how dear a friend you are to me. When I feel depression and self pity, I often think of all you dear friends and hang on to that.

 

As far as your gender goes, when you posted that painting of yourself pre-transition, it was rather jaring to me, because I've never seen or thought of you as anything but a woman. That's what we all know you are.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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TessaOKC
12 hours ago, Charlize said:

A few days ago i was at the local gas station where i've gone for years.  In NJ we have to have an attendant pump our gas.  I've grown to smile and chat with a young woman who works there quite often. I almost look forward to our chats.   When someone says: "Can i ask you a question"I hate it....."Sure" i said.    She came right out and asked me "How long have you known?" ....."What"....... "How long have you known you were trans".  The point is i don't really care, or thought i didn't. After all i've been out for years now.   I answered "Since childhood."  Then come the surgery question.  Yikes.   I promptly told her was something one didn't ask a trans person as nicely as i could.  She said: "I didn't know".  Perhaps i think she may be a lesbian but guess what.......I didn't ask!

  When i drove out i somehow felt very low especially considering how happy i'd been all day.  i thought i was free from any of this kind of stuff and then all of a sudden there it was again.  All those feelings of early transition.  Stress and worry seemed to fill my mind.  

 

Hi Charlize,

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I have read several of your postings and reply's and one thing is for sure, you handled that situation with the social grace of a pro !!! I still get clocked a few times per week, that I'm aware of, and I know how awful it makes me feel. I know that when someone is nice and has questions I take that as a perfect opportunity to turn them into a trans ally. I know that's not the point of your situation but....., probably because of you, our community now has a friend. Your sacrifice will more than likely be returned to trans community  ten-fold.

 

Ahh the "balls" it took her to ask the questions and the sting you must have felt to hear them. To me, I might try to focus on how you infrequent you hear such questions years into your transition and how far you have really come. You are a wonderful person Charlize and an even better teacher. We all love you!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Tess

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    • Cthorne
      I love how this is my normal now  
    • CyndiRae
      I am in the "let it go" category on this one, while this is not best thing to hear as you are picking up your script, it does not surprise me in the least (it's Iowa), if you are transitioning there are all kinds of scenarios where the dead name or gender maker from the past come back to haunt you, this sounds just like such a scenario. The legal name change / gender marker change, makes a difference in many of these instances (not always), and can really help you. If you are presenting female in the world, have a female sounding or neutral name, have a "F" on your documents and a lot of this simply vaporizes.... In the mean time one must put up shields to protect one's emotions...   Best to you   Cyndi -
    • Charlize
      Great reaction!  My grandkids had a similar reaction except one of them (the younger) is a bit of an imp and spent his time enjoying a game of trying to remove my wig.  Itch.......  Gotta love him.   Hugs.   Charlize
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      There is absolutely no reason to drop a skirt in the bathroom.  The only issue i've found is with a long full skirt that can be an armful while sitting.  I will never forget the first time i saw a woman squat in a field using her spreading skirts as a privacy screen.  I suddenly understood another important thing about skirts. As to men's attraction.......first of all don't lift your skirt.......sorry i couldn't resist a giggle.  I wear a wedding ring and while someone may be interested he knows that i'm not.  I don't try to attract men but obviously it is an ego booster when i'm found attractive by someone who forgot his glasses.   Hugs,   Charlize
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    • tracy_j
      From my experience / opinion:   When I am wearing a skirt I usually lift it. Obviously the rear is the main issue, and I generally use a sort of scooping action to lift things out the way. This way, I can use a similar action with dresses which obviously would be impractical to pull down. One thing to remember is that women grow up from little girls. Little girls mostly wear short skirts / dresses so likely learn by lifting rather than lowering. I don't really know though, but as you are in private, it really does not matter.   I have less experience with dating, as I am not alone either, but when the occasion arises I love to flirt. Your relationships are really a matter for you, your wife  and your conscience. That said I would urge you to be very careful as guys are often out for just a quick lay. It is easy to get attention (even I have had that), but they can often take advantage, satisfy their urges and then realise and get nasty or at the least indifferent. Such men may well play the field and be risky healthwise in other ways too. As a woman, you need to think like a woman but be even more careful as some men are very transphobic. They may not realise that you are trans. When they do they will likely get very embarrased and get nasty.   I always put moisturiser on my legs after shaving (and at other times too). Personally I like matt legs so don't look for shine.   Tracy
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