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Lauryn Michelle

Internal changes pre-hrt

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Lauryn Michelle

I am exploring my internal life pre-hrt. It sucks to still present as male at work(that will be ending soon), but it allows me to see differences between male and female presentation. I have been feeling more empathy and compassion. The patients i care for, i almost cry for at times, this was not my experience before identifying as female. I also feel more accepting and less judgemental of others. I feel overwhelmed at times with eveything on my plate with transition and life in general. I feel more confident and balanced. I share in an anonymous community, and they have become more responsive and loving to me. I dont feel too much regret for finding myself at 37. Are there any thoughts or emotions that came up for anybody in their early transition? I feel like most of my concern has been the social transition, and have neglected the internal transition, though they are interrelated. 


Thank you


Lauryn Michelle

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Like so many parts of life i've found transition to be a long term process.  Oddly as i approach 6 years of being full time i'm still finding more about myself as i relate to gender and the world.  When i started i was in a rush, filled with longing and anticipation.  Now it seems like such an ongoing process(like life itself) that i'm relaxing.  As far as being 37 is concerned i didn't get started until 63 and i'm enjoying life as never before.





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5 hours ago, Lauryn Michelle said:

The patients i care for, i almost cry for at times, this was not my experience before identifying as female. I also feel more accepting and less judgemental of others.


My take on this is that in accepting your need to transition you have given yourself PERMISSION to have those feelings and outlook on life.  When we accept and embrace who we are internally and love a self we feared and tried to shut tightly into some corner of our lives, these are things that we at last see were our real self. You were judging yourself against a standard you did not (and I think could not) understand. The big thing to do as you move forward is to look inwardly with the idea that it is truly you.  You may find that a few expectations of your "male"ish personality are still there but have a new life purpose as well. 

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Lauryn Michelle

Awe thank you kind ladies. Vicky, you touched a chord with me, which means there is something "there" to what you said. Its the permission to be who i am, dam that has mr feeling. Thank you


Lauryn Michelle

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Hi Lauryn,


I have slowly socially transitioned and now only present as male at work when I have to. I own a business and work mostly alone. The effects of hrt for me has been so far reaching I just can't believe it. I have turned into an extremely emotional person. Chick flicks are now my norm. My compassion for others is at a level I never thought possible and I constantly seek solace in the LGBT community, especially with my trans friends.


My 23 year old son came to visit when I was about five months into hrt and it sent me for a ride I wasn't expecting. Depression, crying constantly and feeling insecure dominated me. I stopped for one month to reassess my situation and  thankfully made the decision to go back on hrt, I haven't looked back since!!! Being depressed, for me, is part of life and though I think hrt made it seem a little more dramatic,   hrt also allows me to think more reasonably about situations and move past temporary stressful situations.


I am a different person today and from every angle, it's all for the better. Hrt was the best decision I have ever made for myself. This whole transgender thing is anything but easy, but it's totally worth it!!!



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My experience is a real roller coaster ride. I can go from crying over the least little thing to being so happy I could cry, all in a matter of seconds!! I began my transition at 69 years young. It's a bumpy ride, but totally worth it.



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Guest Rachel Gia

Hi , I am one of the odd ones here as I found my moods stabilized on hormones and the possibility that they would become more up and down on E and T blockers was a major concern before starting. After getting clean and sober I have been working to stabilize my moods for a number of years and throwing another thing into my system that might cause further swings was a major concern.

Thankfully I posted on this forum and talked at my trans support group regarding these concerns and then proceeded.

I am a little different as I was almost incapable of crying but in the last year I have been making progress and I believe that is in part thanks to HRT and also thanks to the other part of transitioning which for me has been letting people into my truth about my dysphoria and being transgender.

I became quite inwardly emotional recently about some private stuff and later that night was informed by my electrologist that I had had my "First Hot Mess!".

We laughed and I said "Wow , that was great!". That was after 17 months of hormones.

I really think its different for each person and the posts on this forum really helped with me proceeding and continue to do so.


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1 hour ago, Rachel Gia said:

I have been working to stabilize my moods for a number of years and throwing another thing into my system that might cause further swings was a major concern.

Rachel, I'm so happy you've made progress in this area, and it was nice to hear from someone who has similar issues. I've had mood issues for decades and I'm very anxious to see how HRT tweaks my chemistry. It should be an interesting spring. I also plan to adopt your electrologist's "First Hot Mess" diagnosis. I'm sure I will have one in the future :)



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It’s good to hear that you are doing well. For me hrt has helped with things / events that would have upset me, now do not seem to bother much anymore it’s like just another minor detail. When things make me cry they are intense for a bit but I would say it has made me happier. It has been well worth the effort. 

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