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Alessa

Fitting In - Struggling

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Alessa

I'm struggling to feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm not male, I'm not female, and everyone else seems to be one of those two things. Meanwhile, they look at me like an alien and tip-toe around me to such an extent that I feel like withdrawal is my only option. In fact, I'm almost afraid to leave the house because I feel like a different species. :/ It's a conflicting duality of emotions - either I don't feel acknowledged or I feel judged - it's like no attention level is comfortable. I really don't leave the house at all any more save for work where I actually do present as non-binary. People are scared to comment on any of the changes I make at work, so I have no idea what anyone is thinking about me. For the most part, people either ignore me outright or treat me as male, and it's frustrating. I'm thinking about some feminizing purchases, but every change I make leads to some level of insecurity with no feedback what-so-ever.

 

I hate to come on here and just whine, but I feel like I'm going to explode, and I feel like my support system has completely failed me. 

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MaryMary

just be yourself, no need to put any tag of gender IMO. Like anything else in life your own freedom stop when others start. You can be androgyne but you have to respect a certain number of cultural rules. If you don't then  you will attract attention that's for sure.

 

I'm far more at ease with feminine expression. So, I choosed that. If the rules would be more lenient I would dress like a man sometimes when I think the style is great. But in my region switching like that is frowned upon. I respect the rule of "expression" like I would respect dress etiquette at work.

 

it's ok to express your frustration. We are also there for that purpose :)

I gave my point of view without anyone asking... again... :P lol

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MaryMary

i had a hard time fitting for 32 years so I can easily understand the struggle.

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Timber Wolf

The difficulties of fitting into a system that has only two holes to peg everyone into are tough. Try to remember that the most important person to fit in with is yourself. What makes you feel most comfortable and right with yourself is more important that what others think. Slow progress, not perfection.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Jani

Alessa this is good advice from my friends.  I know its hard but try not to worry about it.  Its hard trying to fit in.  Be you.  Don't worry about what others are thinking about you, beyond being concerned for your personal safety.  Unfortunately society does try to pigeon hole us into one camp or the other.  People like to feel secure in themselves and this is projected in how they view and react to others.  You cannot control it, only how you react to them.  Most times how they react is a reflection of their own insecurities.  Once I stopped worrying it was like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Be calm and go about your business.  Enjoy the life you have ahead of you.

 

Jani 

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Gwen

Hi Alessa. Like others have said, we've struggled with this too. You're not alone. Just yesterday in a doctor's appointment, the nurse and doctor looked at me with questions in their eyes, as if they were thinking, Who/what is this person? I'd suggest focusing on your time alone. See what clothing you feel most comfortable in. Experiment. Your intuition and heart will hopefully guide you in the process. The true you is in there - you just have to give this person a way out.

 

Big hugs

 

Gwen

 

 

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Charlize

 First of all please don't apologize for " whining".  I have certainly done my share here as have many others. 

When i first presented as myself i think i thought i had to be completely female in appearance.  I just wanted to disappear into a crowd.  it still bothers me when it seems i've been read but at the same time i certainly have male attributes that will never disappear and which i actually like.  Maybe i am androgynous as well but for the most part i life my life as a female.  That was a dream for me as long as i can remember and remains my identity.  That being said i see many females dressed as males.  At this point i think we are all a bit of a mix even though society doesn't allow for that.

Sorry it is bugging you.  Feeling non accepted always hurts but if it helps you are certainly accepted here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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tracy_j

Hi Alessa

 

My advice to you is just be yourself, and try to develop a sense of humour about things. I went through the same things, as probably most of us have, but for me it was really essential for my health to be me. I must admit that personally I have never thought I was wrong in my thinking. I realised I was different; I also realised that no two people are the same, and everyone has their secrets that they don't like to share. My thinking is that many people are too afraid to share those inner thoughts and wishes, and align with their assigned gender, outwardly (but maybe not totally inwardly) proud to be with the flock.

 

Be yourself, open and friendly. People are used to adapting, and they will see you as you are. In time it would be the case that if you wore say completely male clothes people would think something was wrong, as not normal for you. From my personal experience, I think I was always expecting a far bigger reaction to what I did than I got. No feedback is often good feedback. We do feel a bit guilty at times as we have had years of upbringing which we are partially undoing. Its one good reason to be here as there are people who understand.

 

Tracy

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DenimAndLace

I have very little advice for you @Alessa but I do know that you are a valuable and beautiful person.  We all are.  The problem you speak of is not you, it's the people you are hanging around with.  Work is tough.  You don't get to choose your workmates but outside of work, you can be with anyone.  People who hold to a strong gender binary are going to impose their beliefs on you overtly and subtly in an attempt to get you to conform.  Look for persons who see gender on a spectrum and you'll find your fit.  I hope you can find it where you live but you wont be the first person who had to move to find it.  In the meantime, you are accepted here and we can offer as much friendship as can pass through the internet.

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CyndiRae

Without knowing many specifics, I can offer this, that overthinking about a gendered world is suffering. We did not create this binary world, we only have to navigate it. Any steps you can take to reduce dwelling about these topics will reduce suffering. Let these feelings go, release this toxic energy, your interactions with others may change. So much of what we call reality is what "YOU" make of it. Free your mind, and life will seem more kind....

 

Hugs

 

C -

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Alessa

I sure appreciate all of the support and advice everyone. :) 
I am slowly getting more social interaction that is non-judgmental outside of work. I'm happy to announce a new friend yanked me out of the house and took me to a bar. I feel like I was an embarrassing drunk, but for a first time out of the house (socially) in four months, I guess it could have gone worse. :P

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Terry

Alessa, I really admire you for just being yourself. If I were not worried so much about what people think, I would go much further than I dare. Glad to hear that things are slowly going better in terms of social contacts.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of "androgynous", "gender neutral", "unisex" etc. as they are being used in our society. Somehow I have the impression that for people of female sex there is a lot more acceptance for adapting male styles than the other way around.

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Jamie james

What other people think.   Wow that's a biggie for a little of us.   For example I would love to get my ears pierced.....but what would the guys at work say.  What would my uncle's say...  OMG.  The wife.  And really pierced ears are very common into days Society.  For anybody.    Maybe some day.    

Best of luck your among friends

Jamie 🤗

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