New year, new me... But who am I? Where am I going?

[jae bear]

I would love to know where I fit in, I am very uncertain about a great many things, but transgender forums have had the best information for me so far so I hoped joining and sharing might help me figure myself out. I have always just been a regular guy, and I still feel like I am, but we can talk about that later... About a year and a half ago I had a big health scare, prostate blew up, one testicle died and the other is failing. I went on HRT to shrink the prostate and hopefully avoid the highly likely associated cancer that I faced, this all happened on the medical QT following old school medical advice from a well know doctor (also a good friend) as current medical treatment no longer uses the HRT method and my insurance was set on surgery. I am so glad I took the chance, as I am now out of the risk zone and feel pretty much just fine without going under the knife. Along the way I started out with low dose trans-dermal estrogen followed shortly with Spiro to ease off the terrible testicular pain. This eventually evolved into higher levels to get my blood work correct and I figured out by reading anything and everything that I was dosing nearly identical to most MTF patients and that spooked me at first. I did get some breast growth and tenderness at first, but nothing I couldn't just pass off as moobs since I am chubby by nature. At the beginning of this year (after 7 months HRT) I have just felt very different, I am at peace with all the side effects, the ED was already there to start with so no change to worry about, I don't care one bit if the testicles go, one needs to be removed anyway (size of a peanut and not doing well) and the other is not far behind (and it hurts), my T levels fell out the window and I don't miss it one bit, somehow it changed me... So enough background, let's get the the point of my need to talk about all of this- I realize I have no one to talk to about how I feel, doctors are no help about feelings, I hid everything from the wife from the start since she was battling her own cancer at the same time and I have hid the HRT from her ever since as she has strong negative opinions about the HRT heath risks... So I am reaching out here and hiding nothing from you, please feel free to be honest.
 I have had several dreams I can't explain, three recurring dreams where I look in a mirror and it is not me, I think it is a girl but still couldn't say for sure (dreams are weird) and another when I got to start my life over (wish I really could), re-inserted into my teen years as a girl, and I was fine with it, but I was going to live my life as a lesbian and was looking forward to it all. this all made me realize something, my worry about God and sin evaporated, whether I was male or female made no difference, God loved me either way and I was free to be myself. I also realized my body can be whatever shape it is and I can be however I want to be, but the me I want to be is hard to define. Please do not judge me on this as I am open to any preference you may have and would not judge you (ever)... I am starting to enjoy some of the more feminizing effects of the HRT (maybe excites me is more accurate) but I have zero interest in men, I have no interest in passing as a woman (for now) but I am starting to find my breasts more and more interesting, and I now find myself thinking it would be great if they just kept growing and got pretty big! I can also see myself changing shape just a little bit, this morning I was looking in the mirror and realized I have developed a slight but definite hourglass shape where I was previously more of a potato, and I like it. The more I think about all this the more I would just rather be a woman, but the reality of living as one and passing without losing everyone important in my life without some fantasy magical intervention that I would have no control over seems out of the question. Is it okay to want to be a woman but still love women rather than men? The further down the road with HRT the more I want it, I particularly like the change in my personality, I think I am much better than I used to be... Just a better person in general with more love to give and way more feelings on tap.  Does this resonate with anyone here? Do you have any advise for me?

I would love to go into further details about HRT specifics and effects, but I will save that all for another time once I figure out if I am in the right place...
Love to you all,
Jae

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jae,

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have many questions that many of us here have asked as well.  Look around and read the topics and posts that may pertain to your particular situation. Most of us have found that counseling with a gender therapist was the best way to get the answers we need. He or she could help guide you toward finding your answers. Have you joined the chat here. It might help to talk in real time with others who have similar questions.

 

MaryEllen

[Dev]

Hi Jae, and welcome.  Glad you found your way in.

 

The first thing I want to address from your post is that gender identity and sexual orientation are two entirely different things.  For most of us, sexual orientation doesn't change just because we start making the medical transition from one gender to another.  For some it does a complete 180, and for others still it just becomes a bit more flexible.  We have many members here who transitioned from male to female and stayed happily married to their wives, and more still whose attraction to women stayed the same.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian trans woman - no different from being a lesbian cisgender woman.  We love who we love, and whoever we love, it's okay.

 

What concerns me more, though, is your lack of certainty as to where on the gender spectrum you fall.  And gender is a spectrum - it's not entirely binary male or binary female.  I, for example, was born male but identify as entirely female, but many transgender folks claim a spot somewhere between the two.  (And there's nothing wrong with that, either.)  The key difference between you and the majority of trans folks is that most of us know with certainty how we identify before we begin hormone therapy.  Our purpose in hormone treatment is to bring our bodies in line with the gender we know we already are.

 

With you being in this unique situation, I very strongly advise finding a gender therapist to speak with.  TransPulse maintains a database of service providers who work with the transgender community, including therapists.  If you enter your ZIP code at this link, you can then narrow the search to gender therapists within 25 to 100 miles of your home.  Gender therapists have experience working with gender identity and can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about where you stand on the gender spectrum.

 

As a final thought for now, I'll tell you that while any one of us could take a guess at what your true gender identity might be, there's a better than even chance that we'd all be dead wrong.  The only person who can say for sure where you stand is you.  That being said, that doesn't mean others can't help you along the way, so please don't hesitate to ask any questions you have here in the forums or in our chat rooms (Java is required there, let me know if you have issues and I'll help you troubleshoot).

 

And as a truly final thought for now, you don't mention your age in your introduction, but you should know there's no rush to figure things out.  My favorite example of this is a local woman here in Idaho who discovered her true identity and began transitioning well into her 80s.  She couldn't be happier, and she has no regrets about taking that many years to figure things out.

 

If you have questions about anything I've written here, or anything else that's on your mind, please don't hesitate to ask.  We'll all do what we can to help.

[TessaOKC]

Well said Dev.

 

[jae bear]

Hi Dev,

 I think you have a strong point there, I keep telling myself I am turning into a lesbian, and I would be perfectly happy to be just that... I have already decided not to hide my breasts at all, and so far so good (but I have gotten some weird looks from coworkers - hey buddy, eyes up here!) and even if I decided to be a woman full time I would still be me just as I am, in all my jeans, flannel, T shirt, boots and breasts glory (not to mention quite chubby) all you would have to add to that equation is a modest bra to keep the girls in check. Personally I think I am a better person now than I was before, and the thought of all of it makes me happy, so I think in the end I just want to be happy with whoever I choose to be. I didn't see a 'male to lesbian' MTL box to click when signing up, but that might be the most accurate. I didn't add a few details to my first post ( I thought it was getting too long) but there are a few more injuries that caused the eventual medical problems (crushed testicles in a motorcycle wreck years ago) , and after running on no T for 9 months I needed something to keep going, and more T made me a crazy lunatic as well as killed the little weak struggling right testicle. After the prostate blew up (also complicated from the massive pelvic injury) an old friend at Stanford helped me the only way he could (non professionally), and showed me what to do and how to do it so I could avoid radical surgery (that my insurance was pushing for). I am very thankful to him now, he saved me from a lifetime of severe complications and embarrassing disability, but along the way I started listening to myself about how I really felt inside, and I am quite ready to sit down and be honest, with everyone.

big squishy hug-

Jae

[Jani]

Hello Jae and welcome.  Dev has said quite a bit of what I would have written so I'll just pick a few points to address. 

1 hour ago, jae bear said:

Personally I think I am a better person now than I was before

HRT for MFT does tend to do that as the reduction in T does calm some aggressiveness that might have been built into our personalities.  

 

1 hour ago, jae bear said:

and the thought of all of it makes me happy, so I think in the end I just want to be happy with whoever I choose to be.

Well, not many people get a do-over in life where they can change gender and all that goes with it.  Some people are completely happy with their natal state and that is great.  Others need to express themselves differently.  As Dev noted the only person who can say what is right for you is you.  That said, a good gender therapist would be a wonderful companion on the road to making these choices.  They will not tell you or make decisions for you; that's your job.  

 

One thing I will strongly recommend is that you consider bringing your spouse into this conversation you're having (not with us, but within your own mind) because she will find out eventually and it would be better to be told than to find out.  Remember that if you do determine that you want to transition in some manner (anywhere on this wide spectrum) that your spouse will be transitioning along with you, or possibly not.  Not all marriages survive transition but the ones that do involve open two way communication.   

 

I'm glad you've joined us and I hope you find peace and what you are looking for.   Please join in the conversation whenever you can.  

 

Jani 

[Dev]

One thing you'll find, Jae, is that none of us include our sexual preferences along with our gender identity.  If you find yourself becoming a woman, you're just that - a woman.  Whether you call yourself a woman or a trans woman or a lesbian, female is female, unless you stop short of that on the spectrum somewhere.  It's perfectly fine to discuss being interested in women romantically, as that is a major part of our lives (ahem - for those of us who aren't asexual and aromantic, in any case ), but mixing identity and preference could get you into trouble.  There are those in the trans community and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole who might be tempted to rake you over the coals for doing so.  You won't find pitchforks and torches here, but it is a serious issue for some folks out there.

[Charlize]

Jani brought up a very good point, not that other shares weren't right on.  It took me the longest time to be open and honest with my wife.  It was a difficult decision but one i had discussed with my gender therapist.  She suggested that my wife should join us for a session or two.  Having had a series of discussions with a therapist, reading and posting here and giving things some time to settle in made my decision to open up to my wife easier and while things were a bit rocky for us everything worked out and we are perhaps closer now than ever.  

By the way i laughed out loud when you described changing from a potato!  Oh an yes i remember having a guy come on to me at one point and simply saying "sorry I'm a lesbian".

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jae Bear,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[jae bear]

Thanks for the heads up Dev, I am wandering into all this rather blind... I know precisely who I am sexually, that component of myself could never be ripped from my identity, I am a slobbering fool for what I like! I was lying awake in bed last night (not feeling good - touch of the flu) and all these conversations kept rolling around in my mind, so I thought about myself and when I started feeling this way. I came to the conclusion that it started when I was 11, I remember swiping clothes from my sister or friends moms (such a bad boy) and stashing them in my speaker cabinets so I could dress up as a chubby girl when I was alone. I did this quite a bit during my first marriage when I could but I didn't do it at all during my current marriage as I wanted to prove to myself I had become "better than that"... Lately I find myself becoming jealous of some of the chubby moms when waiting to pick my kid up from school, rather than just having lust in my eyes, I wish I could have a body like that. This last year I have just been throwing caution to the wind and being out in the open to an extent, I told the wife about some particular wants and needs and she was more than happy to get involved and play (she really liked it, might be something hidden there). Since I haven't been hiding my chest from her she has been poking fun at me a bit (and a few squeezes), she seems rather interested in what is going on but she thinks it is because of my T failure and recent weight gain (damn progesterone makes me ravenous!). I want desperately to tell her everything, but she is not in a good state of mind lately, after having a radical hysterectomy 2 years ago she is a bit unbalance and swings back and forth from happy to loony & crying (poor girl), I have been trying to initiate regular evening talks about everything and anything and plan to find a way to bring this all into the light, I hate hiding anything from her but I've never had anything like this to share before. We have both had life altering emergency surgeries,  she lost her girly parts and I lost my T producing function and most relevant manly sexual function years ago (doctor wants one of my damaged testicles out soon, I keep asking for both out but he just wants to wait for the other to fail before surgery), so the wife and I got creative, personally I think it might be better...  I am going to talk to her about my dress up history and open up to her honestly if she has any questions, that feels like a natural place to start, knowing her the way I do, it could range from ridicule and laughter (I can take it) to grabbing a bra with a dark, devious look in her eyes-       (wish me luck!)

Love to all - squishy hugs!

Jae

[jae bear]

Well, crud... I don't think I could feel any lower right now. Everything seemed to fall into place last night, we were both up and chatting late at night in bed, I worked up to courage to broach the cross dressing topic (which was far harder to do that I thought it would be) and after choking on my words for a while I finally spit it out and fully revealed myself to her about secretly dressing up as a girl since I was 11. I have never talked to anyone directly about this topic in my entire life, I did tell all of you here as it was easy to discuss this  anonymously with such supportive and loving people who understand more than I understand myself. I think I might have preferred laughter and ridicule to the actual outcome... Maybe she just wasn't in the mood to talk about our sexual relationship, or maybe I don't know her anywhere near as well as I think I do (the later probably being more correct), but the whole experience left me feeling deflated and crying. We discussed my little secret at great length, leaving out no details, she asked some questions and I answered all of them honestly, but she had no real opinion about it, she was not mad, she was not amused, she just said "don't be so weird about things" and to not discuss it again. We talked a little more about our creative sex life which she then said she did only for me and didn't like or enjoy in any way, which is shocking to me as she was always very involved and was way to good (and creative) at it than I could have imagined. I moved the topic around till she got sleepy and began to reflect on it all as I heard her light little sleeping breath from the other side of the bed. I was genuinely hurt, my chest felt tight, my lip could not be controlled and the tears started, I forgot how hot and heavy tears are as they drip onto your shoulder... I stayed quiet to avoid discovery, told myself what a fool I am and marveled at my ability to find emotions I never knew I had before HRT. I really did not expect dismissal and rejection, it is so not like her when she knows my heart is on the table and I bare myself to her. I wish I had added a few small details, but I am sure they would not have changed the outcome or possibly made things worse, like "your bra fits me fairly well even if I don't fill up those double D's all the way" or "as soon as you leave for work I grab your bra to wear until I have to get up for work myself" (even if I keep wearing it while I brush my teeth and stare at myself in the mirror). Weirdly I manage to fill her bra far better than expected... At some point she is going to wonder why my breasts are so big, and I will have no way to defend myself, but I don't want it to come to that, I really want to tell her. I would not take back what I have done even if I could, it had to be done, but it makes me fearful of talking further about what I am doing and how I feel about myself now. Maybe I should have read my horoscope first-

so sad now- need a hug really bad- wish I had transgender friends to lean on.

 

Libra,

You're eager to take an emotional risk today, but your faith alone is not a sign of guaranteed success. In fact, its healthier to employ a bit of caution before climbing out on a limb. Share your feelings with someone who agrees to listen, but don't assume that their willingness to hear you out means they will automatically respond according to your expectations. A disappointment later in the day is likely if you move too fast in the wrong direction.

[Dev]

Unfortunately, acceptance can be hard to come by from tnose closest to us.  Now is absolutely the time to start seeing a gender therapist and sort out exactly how you identify so you can decide how to move forward.  If you decide transition is the healthiest option for you, you may have to say goodbye to the people in your life who would only stand in your way.  If they're not helping, they're hurting, and you don't deserve that.

[jae bear]

I think I will need to see a gender therapist as well as a marriage counselor that is comfortable with discussing unique sexual topics. I don't think I could ever let go, my honey means everything to me, and I have no plans to stop HRT (I am much better for it). Somethings got to give, I am counting on love to win.

Thanks Dev, Squishy hugs-

Jae

[Charlize]

Love can and often does win out but therapy helps for sure.  This all takes patience, tolerance and a great deal of love.  Along with a great deal of honesty.  My wife actually recommended therapy and i was more than happy to go as i knew it would help me get past a lifetime of feeling shame and guilt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jae Bear,

I'm not, nor have ever been married, so I'm afraid I can't offer any experience for you. I can only say that I feel for you and genuinely hope for the best for you.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

[jae bear]

Thank you both for the encouragement... I am collecting contacts and making some plans, I realize therapy and counseling are an absolute must at this point... I feel like my threads are unraveling, my stitches tearing, revealing something I don't want others to see... maybe I should right a poem-

squishy hugs & much love

Jae

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Jae,

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. That's the downside to opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, but it's impossible to make progress without doing so. 

My only advice is to give your wife some room to take this in too. This is a hard thing for spouses to process and her attitude may change over time. I remember that my wife's first concern was about her own security: what was going to happen to us, how would this affect her life, what were the risks, etc. Letting her know that I loved her and that I wouldn't do anything drastic helped to change her emotional state and let her focus on what I was trying to tell her.

That being said, as others have said therapy and counseling are the best things you can do. Hang in there and remember that we're here for you!

Hugs,
Julie

[bobbisue]

     Hi Jae, like you I am struggling with acceptance from my wife this has been going on for a while last night my wife ducked going out with me to a house performance in my old home town an hour away I found out she went out for supper shortly after I left town I was deeply hurt as I felt she was embarrassed to be seen with me i confronted her when I got home convinced she had given up on us, her reply was very different from what  I expected she told me she is worried about going out with me and seeing some jerk hurt me we had a long talk where I explained I didn't care if some jerk insults me and that is unlikely as nothing has happened in the three months I have been out and the chances of me being hurt by her not doing things with me are one hundred percent I think we made a step forward only time will tell. Give your wife time and keep communication open things are not always as they seem 

 

     bibbisue

[jae bear]

I posted a poem, spent 20 minutes writing and 10 minutes crying... I never knew poems were so rough on the writer!

squishy hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

Thanks for the loving thoughts Bobbi and Sugar... I am known for my persistance, my patients and focus, I plan to give my Wife plenty of time and space to process, but the clock ticks, and I am getting frightened. It’s really hard to be a Bunny hiding in a bear skin.

squishy hugs,

Jae

 

[jae bear]

Oh boy... I saw my horoscope today, why it always so confusing (not that I take it very seriously anyway)

 

Libra:

You might believe that your feelings will settle down today, but its nearly impossible to know what others have up their sleeves and how their actions will affect you. You're trying to stay ahead of the curve by processing your reactions to events as they happen. But a number of things could occur so quickly today that you cant help but lose some of the ground that you already gained. Don't give up; even if it takes extra effort, keep your reactions current because relationships can grow complicated if there's a lag.

 

Squishy hugs to all-

Jae