Topic: Paradoxes

[Charlize]

When i read this passage in the Daily Reflections i could not think of the parallels between what i have experienced in transition and finding recovery as an alcoholic.

"MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one.

— A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc."

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi Charlize,

I am not quite sure what you mean but for AA has been like the story of How the Birds found their Voices/Song.

It was about a big bird that got the little bird so far that the little bird could fly higher above the clouds to find music or her voice. I am not sure if you are familiar with that story but its one of my favorites.

I did not find my miracle in AA but it got me to a place where I could find my own way and did find my miracle.

I embrace my shadows along with the light for my shadows define me.

Bill could not use the word Love in an intimate way even in the 12 by 12 so for me he remained flawed by this omission. He only used "Love" when referring to a group or some other entity. 

To Love without wanting to control or possess might have been something most people may not aspire to.

Transitioning for me is based on the my unshakable belief that my spirit is female . Bill might never have understood that because he was in my mind a newcomer to spirituality , or in more specifically a nouveau Christian.

Waxing poetically about something that for him might have been recently learned.

Gia

[Charlize]

I love the story of the small bird.  I certainly can see the fellowship of AA as a bigger bird.

I know that when i went to my first meeting i was totally beaten.  I was no longer getting any pleasure or relief from drinking.  I had to drink to try to control the demons that alcohol itself had created.  Without a drink i shook, perspired and faced horrifying hallucinations.  That which once granted freedom and joy now brought pain.  

As i found a path (as a small carried bird) to sobriety the past horrors had become an opening to a new life.  Surrender brought strength.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Good Morning Charlize

AA also got me to a point where I was able to come out to my world as Transgender and in doing find my place in the fellowship again.

Crazy stuff and Crazy Wonderful.!

Much Love

Rachel

 

[Julie J]

On 2/25/2018 at 9:08 AM, Charlize said:

I was no longer getting any pleasure or relief from drinking.  I had to drink to try to control the demons that alcohol itself had created.

Charlize! I can so identify with this! Through my brief 10 year drinking history (13 to 23) I ventured to the point that my alcoholic mind became warped with despair and I was confused and despondent because my friend alcohol had turned on me. The booze had taken away from me my ability to function "normally" with or without booze. The great enabler had, in fact, become the great disabler! This is the revelation that came to me in my moment of clarity, as I stared into what was to be my last drink , that fateful night, December 23rd, 1978. It was the first time that I admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. It was the last memory I had from that night as I set my drink down and resolved to stop drinking and go to AA. I have never found it necessary to pick up a drink since that day, and I still continue to go to meetings and share because I still have a desire to stop drinking. I have to venture far from home to present as Julie so no one will know me. I have had very many positive experiences at the AA meetings I've attended, including being asked to participate in the 1st year celebration of a lovely woman who has befriended me. We often text and have been an inspiration to each other for having the willingness to face our life's issues with honesty and acceptance. I spoke briefly (as did about 9 or 10 other participants) on Gratitude and Acceptance, after I finished reading (at my friends request) The Gal in the Glass... I nearly broke down as I read it in front of about 200 people that came out to help celebrate my friends tremendous accomplishment. After I was done she gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me and kissed my cheek. I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her too. When I went to my seat a lady sitting in front of me turned and reached up, firmly taking hold of my hand and thanked me for having the courage to share my truth with so many people. After the meeting another woman came up to me and gave me a huge hug and told me I was her hero! Imagine! I, a newly transitioning (not even full time yet) trans woman had inspired someone I had never met to tell me I was their hero! I received a few other amazing comments, all of which have helped me to accept my new direction as the woman I was meant to be. Most importantly though, I was able to reassure my friend - a CIS woman - who struggles with self worth issues, that at a meeting where there are usually only about 15 to 20 people attend, there were over 200 people there to help celebrate her 1st year anniversary - because she matters!

 

She is the first non-trans person to befriend me who has only ever known me as Julie. She not only accepts me as I am and as who I am, she accepts me without question. It was during my 3rd AA meeting as Julie, that I talked a bit on willingness. After the meeting this lady came up to me, hugged me and said, "I really liked what you had to say about willingness. I think I can learn from you. Can I have your phone number?" I was flabbergasted! In nearly 40 years of sobriety no one had ever approached me like this. I gave her my number and explained that I lived about 100 miles away. Then told her that although I was sober over 39 years, this was only the 3rd AA meeting I'd ever gone to as Julie. She didn't seem fazed by this revelation at all and never questioned my  being transgender. It was no big deal, apparently. I thanked her for her number and assured her I'd be back in Toronto again and would see her at the meeting sometime. When I was leaving the meeting she was in the parking lot and walked over to me before I got in my car and asked me if she had heard me correctly. Had I said this was only the 3rd meeting I had gone to as Julie, and I said yes. She gave me another, even bigger hug, then stuck out her hand and said, "It's so nice to meet you Julie." What a wonderful gift she gave me that night. The gift of unconditional acceptance. We have texted over the months and have developed a friendship where we can be ourselves without fear of judgement.

 

I have met so many others who support me, since last August when my journey began, and I have grown in confidence and comfort as Julie. I am so grateful to be a sober member of AA and I have the tools to live life on life's terms... to face the challenges and issues of transition without the desire to drink, but to embrace my gender as I continue toward my goal of being the woman I truly am. I hope everyone searching for a better way of living that have had their life disrupted and shattered through the use and abuse of alcohol can take heart form this old broad... I am worthy of love and acceptance because of who I am, not in spite of who I am! 

 

This is a very long post... whoops!

Stay sober - One Day at a Time!

Stay true to your goals.

Hugs everyone!

Julie J

[Jani]

Julie I am not an alcoholic but I have several friends who are.   They are good people.  I thank you for your inspiring story.  We never know where support, or love, will come from.   Yes, you are worthy.

 

Jani

[Julie J]

Thanks for your kind words Jani. Yes, after so many years I no longer fear being transgendered. I am happiest when I am being Julie, when I am being myself. I am worthy of that happiness. We all are. I hope your journey has helped you to find peace. 

Be happy.

Julie J