Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Came out to my wife last night!


jae bear

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

Oh My Goodness! I didn’ t mean to come out to her, but we were talking really late at I had emptied half a bottle of merlot... I just planned to tell her about my more recent sharing of her clothes, but it led to her asking if I was taking hormones. I froze, if asked to shelve it, but I was caught, so I splilled it and cried. She’ not going to leave, she was so quiet at first, I am still insecure and scared, but the truth is out and there is no real way to put it back in... ripped my bear suit pretty bad, no hiding it now. I don’t want to overwhelm her, I think I need to give it some time. She is willing to go to counseling with me, I’m not sure if we should go together from the start, or if I should bring her in after talking with the therapist a bit on my own first... It’s all so surreal, like a bunny cornering a bear and scaring his skin off.

hugs to all - nervous as heck,

Jae

Link to comment
Guest Rachel Gia

Hi Jae,

You seem to be on the fast track with this so I would say that doing as much possible with her would be a grand idea!!!

I almost never give advice but I think you should start buying your own clothes and owning who you are/

Getting your own makeup etc.

Its what I told my daughter when she told me her previous boyfriend was thinking about hormones.

My last piece of unwanted advice is when you buy makeup , be sure its not the tester as that will cause you unwanted attention.

Most places have self check out so its not an issue of privacy. Testers still are a pain even in this situation.

Don't be afraid to ask for advice as the cosmetic sales woman have to deal with cis women all day if you get my drift.

Much Love and I think it's awesome she's open!

Rachel

Link to comment

Sound's like it went better than you thought it would! I'm glad that she's not going to leave you. I also sure that it's going to be a bumpy road, but it sound's like you will make it. I imagine that you have a sense of relief now that she knows. I know I did when I came out. Best of luck lady.

Many hugs and kisses,:applause:

 

Brandi

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Rachel, she asked me to do that this morning, wanted to know if I needed help buying clothes... I think I’m still in bit of shock, I didn’t know how to answer. She’s a medical person so she’s worried about the risks...

hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
43 minutes ago, jae bear said:

Thank you Rachel, she asked me to do that this morning, wanted to know if I needed help buying clothes... I think I’m still in bit of shock, I didn’t know how to answer. She’s a medical person so she’s worried about the risks...

hugs,

Jae

     My answer would be a resounding yes and a big hug but this is your decision I am very happy for you I imagine this is a great weight off of you, be sure to tell your little bunny how wonderful she is for standing by you from yourself and from me  ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to both of you

 

     bobbisue:)

Link to comment

Jae, I'm so happy for you! You have a wonderful woman who is willing to stand by you and that's really great. Have a great time shopping!

 

Love, Brandi 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I’ve been telling her how amazing she is since the moment I woke up I think it’s getting on her nerves, I really have to give her some space and a little time and hope things work out right now she’s so quiet it makes me nervous...

hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Bobby and Brandi I’m sorry I’m just a little freaked out I had no intention of spilling everything last night, just kind happened and things here could get little bumpy... I’m pretty sure she’s going to stay I sure hope she doesn’t leave me. I’m so anxious I can hardly sit still keep going through bouts of trembling and worrying I love her so much I don’t know what I could do if she left... I would just beg at her feet I think.

hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 Dang it sorry for the misspelled names girls,  using auto Text, my fingers are too nervous and are not hitting the right keys I’m not thinking quite straight.

Link to comment

Jae,

Sister, I can't imagine whats going through you're head now, but you know we are all here for you. You took a big step, although not intentional, but a big one never the less. Give you wife time to adjust to this development. It sounds that she wants to support you, but she needs time to figure out her own feelings. Stay strong, girl!

 

Big Hug,

 

Brandi

Link to comment

     Jae don;t worry about the spelling I spelled it wrong for over 50 years  and my parents forgot to put the a at the end of Roberta  on a more serious note spouses can take a while to adjust give her time we had a big head start dealing with this some come aboard fast others take a long time after 3 years my wife is only now really accepting this is real but she is still here 

 

     bobbisue:)

Link to comment
3 hours ago, jae bear said:

I’ve been telling her how amazing she is since the moment I woke up I think it’s getting on her nerves, I really have to give her some space and a little time and hope things work out right now she’s so quiet it makes me nervous...

 

 

You are very wise and kind to do this.  People need (lots of) time to process something like this. Everyone processes in a different way - some get angry on occasion, some are very quiet - some a bit of both.

 

Just show them the you that everyone here appreciates so much.  Hard for *anyone* to not like you.  You'll win them over eventually.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you so much for your kind words I truly think it’ll all be OK but my nerves are shot. We went to the movies and had a nice time... she had a bit of a headache but I enjoyed spending time together I think it’ll all work itself out but time will be the key I just need not to rattle her nerves with all of my worries and insecurities every single moment of the day. I really appreciated your message it means quite a great deal to me.

hugs,

Jae

Link to comment

Hi Jae,

 

There's not much I am able to contribute, because I haven't been (yet?) in your situation. But it seems to me this has gone amazingly well! I find it particularly sweet that she's concerned about the risks (rather than, for instance, what the neighbours might think), which seems to me a clear sign that she genuinely cares about you. And the fact that she is being a bit quiet should not worry you too much. She will be thinking about many things, just like you do yourself.

 

May I suggest to accept her offer to help you buy clothes? It looks like a very positive, possibly even fun, way of keeping her involved. With other things to discuss it might be good to let her bring things up when she's ready (or finds it even necessary).

 

I really think you're very lucky with your wife. Congrats!

 

Big hug,

Terry

Link to comment

Hello Jae!

 

This was wonderful news to share, especially when we hear so often how these moments can end badly. I agree with Terry. Your wife's response seems so positive and helpful, and reveal that her care and concern is her true motivation. It may be awkward taking her clothes shopping, but why not? Something fun could help ease the initial tension with this monumental shift in your marriage, and it might allow you to open up more to her. In time, you'll have plenty of opportunities to understand your new self, and how she/you wants to present to the world, but the present is the present and it seems to be a golden time to share.

 

I hope this continues to unfold with happiness, love and support :)

 

Gwen

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thanks for all of your love and support! :D

I'm feeling a bit better today, still very insecure, my wife just texted me at work and had nice loving words to share, that felt so nice... The good news is that the Lane Bryant she shops at always lets me go into the dressing room with her, they think nothing of it and I have always loved to help her try on new clothes, wonder why?! She asked about shopping for me yesterday, and I was just frozen in my tracks I don't even remember what I said. I would love to go get our nails done, I'm sure she would do it, but the little asian nail salon girls would get a good laugh at the big bearded flannel clad man getting sparkly lavender nail gel done with his wife, we'd just laugh it off and remove mine later before seeing family or returning to work. :P I guess my little slip wasn't so bad, she even told me she had a boyfriend in her 20's that was a cross-dresser, they used to get dressed up and drive around Florida in his convertible, never knew much about that till now. Her first boyfriend in highschool is a very interesting gay man now, she still hates him for cheating on her though, and the last boyfriend she had right before me also came out to her about being gay, and he was the flippin love of her life (so glad I caught her before he did), so I am starting to see her a little differently now, in a good way. I so rarely drink, that the Merlot really loosened me up, half a bottle is easy to knock out but she's one smart cookie and had me pegged in the first 20 minutes of conversation, talk about deer in the headlights! Or I guess Bear in headlights... She is still quiet and processing, but she is not mad, so I would say that is progress. If it weren't for all the love and support I found here I would never have been able to find my voice, I thank all of you for that.

 

The most interesting Woman in the world says:

" I don't often drink, but when I do, I come out to my wife and tell her I want to be a girl." 

 

Huge squishy hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Oh my goodness... Wife just texted me... sent me the lyrics to the song "if we're honest"

Hit me like a ton of bricks, have to hide in bathroom at work and cry a little bit... She said she understands why I am insecure, I love her so much...

 

I think things are going to be okay in the end...

Love to all,

Jae 

 

I'd post the lyrics here, but I don't know if that is ok since it is copyrighted material-

Link to comment

Jae, 

 

You are so lucky to have a wife that is willing to do things like shopping. I wish I  had someone to shop with, that sounds like so much fun. I just listened to that song and it brought me to tears. That song really rings true. I truly hope things will continue to go smoothly for both you and your wife.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Brandi

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Brandi, I couldn’t stop crying for a while, luckily no one else came to use the bathroom during my little hideout. I love her so much, Forgot to mention that she broached the topic of SRS, I wasn’t expecting that at all, I might have far more support than I realized... I am still quietly optimistic but I feel at the moment she still loves me. I’m just taking it one day at a time right now, and trying not to be too needy or visibly insecure.

squishy hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I was just asking her about the shopping offer, now she says she did not offer that, maybe she said something else and I just heard what I wanted to hear... Makes me nervous again thinking I am misreading her so bad... I think she might be pulling back a bit as this all sinks in, I can’t really blame her, but at least she promised me I would not come home to find my bags packed for me. I am also getting the hunch that she doesn’t want to go with me to therapy now, I don’t want to push my luck so I’m just going to lay low tonight...

hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I am bit worried now, a swift chill just blew though last night, my wife is very concerned about a lot of things and very uncertain I'm being truthful about others. I totally get that none of these pieces of me seem to fit together, but I am not lying to her one little bit now. I do still have my guard up when I should not but it's a hard reflex to eliminate all at once, It takes me a moment or two to correct my self or back up a space and tell her the honest truth, unfortunately her questions get answers that bounce back and forth between reality and fantasy... I do my best to be clear about what is what and that I don't what to overwhelm her but I don't fully understand all of it myself, I just know that I have always been this way. She's super worried that I have cheated, or that I want to have men in my life, neither of which are true, I myself, in my core, am just a big chubby lesbian that wished she were cuter on the outside (so she could wear cute clothes) but those elements of reality and fantasy get mixed all in the same sentence. My flannels are unisex, everyone wears jeans and I like my purple shirts (somehow my favorite color switched from green to purple, can quite explain that one). I am worried that I threw our dynamic out of wack, but to be honest, we have not been good to each other for a long time, mostly my fault for being a raging angry jerk all the time, but it was without question a large part of how I covered my tracks. I am super excited to talk with the therapist, I hope she will go with me at some point and he can help explain things about me that I struggle to understand, it might be good for us both. But for the moment I want to let her digest this huge thing that just happened, I never meant to let the dam burst all at once, she probably feels like she's drowning in it all.

squishy hugs,

Jae

Link to comment

Hi Jae,

 

This still doesn't look worrying to me. Just think of it this way - she has a lot of things going through her head right now, just like you. There's a lot to process and that takes time. Maybe it's even a bit early to talk in big depth, for both of you, because you need to get things clear.

 

But it seems to me that what you both can do with is some comforting. So maybe just focus on spending quality time together, even if it is just some dull everyday things like watching a film together. It's really about enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other. Another aspect is to make sure that you talk about things that are on her mind to an equal extent as you talk about yours. Even if the changes going on with you are quite significant at the moment, to make a relationship work I think it should always be about both.

 

These are just some ideas to think about, hopefully some of them are helpful.

 

Big hug,

Terry

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jae please don't expect your wife to accept all at once.  I found for my wife that she went through what was almost a grieving process.  It took time and to this day i know that she would prefer that i had never had a gender issue.  Over the years that has faded into the background but it will always be a part of our relationship.  I simply can't change that which has taken me time to accept as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hi Jae,

 

What you describe above is something I'm sure many of us have read/heard before when a spouse/SO comes out to the other.  At first what seems to be acceptance and then the seeming change in attitude or demeanor.  I think it's important to give your SO time to absorb put it and begin to try and put it all together.  Try and put yourself in her spot.  What does it all mean for us?  What will it look like going forward?  What will I have to deal with/endure with friends and family etc.?  There's a LOT for her to think about.  Charlize's comment about a SO going through a type of grieving process is very spot on to me.

 

It's a lot to take in.  Give her time, love, understanding, and support.  What worked for me with my spouse (and girlfriend before) was short session of Q&A with any and everything fair game.  Not only did it provide me with an opportunity to be open and honest with her, it also helped me. 

 

Best of luck and don't get discouraged.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Oh my gosh! You are all the best, like my own little circle of friends lifting me back up when I fall down, don't know what I would do without all of you! My Bunny and I had a great talk last night, I was just going to lay low and let her rest, give her more time to think and just be together in our comfortable environment... She surprised me by talking and asking more questions, so I answered them all the best I could, open, honest, no lies, it was tough... I wish I understood myself more, it would help to articulate my thoughts better, but with all your help I was able to get my thoughts lined up a little better this time. I felt like we really connected, in a way we have not in so many years, she is so very much my entire world, I don't want to get kicked out of Bunnyland! She' still confused about the way my pieces don't fit right, but then again so am I, she is worried about infidelity and I get it, we both came from previous cheating spouses, nothing wrecks your trust like that. I have to say last night was, well, it's hard to describe, just awesome... We both laughed so hard we woke up the kid, she had me crying and having a cramp in my side from the uncontrollable shear joy of it all. She's so funny, I forgot she was like that, she read my latest poem and understood me just a tiny bit more, it was really good for both of us. I wish I could dispel her fidelity doubts, but all I can do is tell her what's in my heart and slowly rebuild the trust I hurt by coming out and showing her all my hidden lies, then again healing is a long process and stings for a long time too. I am so happy today, I really feel like she's willing to stick it out and let us heal together. Part of me hopes she calls me rabbit instead of bear someday, it would feel really good to have her acceptance like that, I know it's a long way off, but since we mostly only call each of by our pet names [well, maybe me more than her] it would feel so good to hear it. Special apology to Rabbit here on the forum, I feel like I am co-opting your awesome name, but Jae Rabbit has a nice ring to it! Then again I have a long way to go before that name would fit...

 

I also got my appointment set with my therapist review tomorrow, I am so excited to see him!

 

HUGE group squishy hug!

Jae

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 88 Guests (See full list)

    • KymmieL
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...