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GabbyGirl

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GabbyGirl

My boyfriend is transitioning MtF. We have been together for a few months. We met online and got to know each other as people, as friends first. After a while we started having conversations and we "clicked". Our compatibility has surprised us both on many subjects and daily life. When he finally told me about his trans state, I was actually afraid he was just trying to get rid of me. Because even then I knew I was having feelings for him.  We kept going forward and even face timed a few times. On those occasions I could see feminine traces. A little makeup. a bra strap, rings,  nail polish. He said he mainly dresses at home. Once in a while goes out with certain friends dressed. He is a widower, his wife was in agreement with his change. His 20 yr old daughter lives with him and his family knows.Anyhow, we have been intimate and its great. My worry is about the future, I know I love him, not just as a man, but as a person. I worry about changes to come, he has been on HRT for 9 months and has small breasts. Which I am surprisingly enjoying, I am learning how to please him/her in the transitioning state. I dont want to lose him, I want to make him/her happy and comfortable with me and herself. I think my problem is I worry about what my family and friends will think and say.  He says part of the reason he fell in love with me is because I have  always made him feel comfortable and accepted with his trans state. So I ask , please, for some advice on how to handle my concerns, I also have a 22 year old daughter. The crazy thing is, the night after she met him, in what he calls his "normal" dress, no nails ,rings etc. she told me he reminds her of Bruce/Caitlen Jenner, and the voice too. But I do love him/her, i dont ever want to hurt him. He is taking me to another state to see friends and family in June. Please, please, any advice would be much appreciated. Advice for me, her and us. Thanks.....

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Dev

Hi Gabby, and welcome!  I'm glad you found us.

 

You can refer to her as her here, without fear of judgment, though I know it can be difficult as she's not full-time female yet.  Juggling pronouns depending on the situation is always tricky.

 

It sounds like you've accepted her decision to fully transition and will support her throughout the process.  I think the biggest piece of "advice" anyone here can give you is that this is entirely your decision to make.  Your family's input on the relationship might be valid if she treated you poorly or abused you in any way, but in a healthy relationship the only feelings on the topic of her gender that matter are yours.  If you're faced with judgment from your family, calmly but firmly asserting that is the best way to go.

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Jani

Hello Gabby and welcome aboard.  I don't have a lot of advice as it sounds as if you are both old enough to be experienced in life so to speak.  You admit to being worried about the changes to come and be advised that if your friend is intent on transitioning, they will come and most likely they will cross the point of no return for them soon enough.  Are you looking for a long term relationship or something else; you both need to be open and honest about this.  

 

As Dev says if she was treating you poorly your family might have a thing to say in your defense but if his and your daughter are accepting and understanding then thats all that matters.   I would just suggest taking it slow, the same as any budding relationship.   Best of luck.

Jani

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DenimAndLace
1 hour ago, GabbyGirl said:

My worry is about the future, I know I love him, not just as a man, but as a person. I worry about changes to come...

...I dont want to lose him, I want to make him/her happy and comfortable with me and herself...

...I think my problem is I worry about what my family and friends will think

 

Other then your family, it's there something you're "concerned about"?  It seems like there might be something between the lines here that you're not explicitly saying.  Are you afraid you'll miss a certain anatomy, ability or masculine essence?  I always tell people you need to be willing to have hard (very hard) conversations with each other if you're going to make it as a transgender couple.  Not only do you have to be able to SAY hard things (in a nice way), you have to be able to HEAR hard things too.  That goes both ways but it's entirely possible for the two of you to have a successful relationship - many here are proof that it can be done.  You will, however, have to create some protective boundaries around your relationship and develop a tough skin with family and those in society who WILL confront you.  Those confrontations can be brutally hurtful and result in the demise of those relationships - many here can give countless examples of the relationships we (and our partners) have lost on account of a transition.  If what you've found in each other is deep love and companionship, you may need to pay a high price to keep it.

 

You sound like a beautiful and perceptive person who can see the soul of others despite their bodies.  That's a heartwarming thing to see in a cis gendered person.  I wish you the very best and hope that each of you find  genuine love in each other.

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GabbyGirl

Im a little afraid of not being able to be helpful and as understanding as she will need me to be. Im afraid of not giving her what she may need from me, as in supportive enough. I want to build her up, I have seen pics of her dressed completely and she looked happy and comfortable.I want her happiness, she has been through much.  When i look at pics of her I still see the person I fell in love with.We live in different cities, this weekend she will drive down to see me. When we talk of her meeting my friends and family, she always says she will dress as normal as possible. Because even though she still lives as a man to the outside world, she is slowly changing that. She wears nails, does her toes, female tops and bra, because she now needs it.I sometimes feel uncomfortable when she takes her nails off and changes who she is for my benefit. As in meeting my daughter and plans on doing so to meet my brother in April. Part of me does want her to dress normal because i dont want judgment for either of us, but part of me doesnt care of that judgment. I have seen people do some staring at us when we are out and I was still , like whatever.  As for the Anatomy, she says no to the surgery, Im new to this, I have never dealt with this issue before. Just needing advice on how to handle situations that will come up and how to be the person she needs, because the last thing i ever want to do is hurt her bring her down or make her doubt herself. In her I have found the person who I wish I had met years ago, our compatibility is wonderful, and still we find more common ground. Any help would be much appreciated.

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DenimAndLace
9 hours ago, GabbyGirl said:

Im a little afraid of not being able to be helpful and as understanding as she will need me to be.

 

You strike me as a very compassionate and empathetic person just by asking these questions.  I think if you follow your heart, you'll BE the person she (or anyone) would love to be around.  Don't change who YOU are.  She fancies YOU so just be you.  :)  You'll make mistakes, just as we all do, so if you recognize them first, own them and ask for forgiveness.  If you're called out, be open minded, avoid defensiveness and again, ask for forgiveness.  ...You'll be fine.

 

9 hours ago, GabbyGirl said:

she always says she will dress as normal as possible... I sometimes feel uncomfortable when she takes her nails off and changes who she is for my benefit... Part of me does want her to dress normal because i dont want judgment for either of us, but part of me doesn't care of that judgment.

 

Hard to say on this one.  I suspect she would like to dress as herself but she's repressing it for others.  If I were you, I'd make it crystal clear that she can express herself however she wants and whenever she wants (if you can honestly offer that).  ESPECIALLY if she will likely fully transition some day.  If she's ready to be herself in public, she shouldn't restrain herself for anyone.  You might as well let the truth be known right up front but only she knows for sure.  I'd communicate that you support her and that she is safe with you - then follow her lead.

 

9 hours ago, GabbyGirl said:

As for the Anatomy, she says no to the surgery, Im new to this, I have never dealt with this issue before.

 

This MIGHT change over time.

 

9 hours ago, GabbyGirl said:

Just needing advice on how to handle situations that will come up and how to be the person she needs, because the last thing i ever want to do is hurt her bring her down or make her doubt herself.

 

Again, you ARE the person she needs.  Specifically though, I never felt so loved as I did the times my wife threatened to go "T-Rex" on people who gave me looks.  After half a lifetime of being forced to be the "protector" it brings tears to my eyes to be protected once in a while.  Those who advocate for me are saints in my eyes and they inspire me to advocate for other minorities and misunderstood types.  Ultimately, we both had to develop a "F-you" attitude towards those who are sanctimonious, condescending, disrespectful, judgemental etc.  If each of you are true to yourselves and the relationship serves both of you, those who judge it are... well simply... lousy people.  One of my favorite transition quotes is: "You might be too much for some people; those aren't your people"

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BrandiBri

Gabby Girl,

I salute you for being so supporting for her. I also send kudos for all the wives and S/O's that stand by everyone here. I wish that I had that support. Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the fact. As stated above, just be there for her.

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