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Coming out to a difficult family.


Sebarrons

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I joined this site to look for support and make friends that understand me for who I am. So, a good place to start seems to be how I came out as transgender (ftm) to my family and friends. There is some triggering content, though I did try and keep things general without a lot of details.

 

When I was a child, I knew I was different. I have an older brother by two years and when I was very young (2-4 years old) I couldn't figure out why he had 'boy parts' so I would try and follow him to the bathroom to try and figure what I was doing wrong and were mine was. My family excused this as curiosity and just kept telling me boys have boy parts and girls have girl parts. I didn't understand this because of how I felt and leaned into the masculine side of life. 

 

When I turned 7, I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I was confused for many reasons, apart from the obvious maturity difference. I didn't understand why he targeted me instead of my brother and when he was finished I asked to go back to my brother.

 

When I was 8-14ish, Halloween was my favorite holiday because I was able to dress up as whatever I wanted to. Whenever we went out trick or treating, I would dress up as a male character (Jedi seemed popular for several years) complete with a mask and, at the door, instead of asking trick or treat I would ask "do you think I'm a boy or a girl?" I was overjoyed when someone said male, but I was disappointed when I was told I was female.

 

In grade 7 I started looking into both top and bottom surgeries so I could be who I actually wanted to be.

 

At age 11, I was groomed by another family member for sexual assault. This person did a better job and they broke me down. I was shown videos on how a girl should act towards men and I became submissive and accepted my fate as a female whos only purpose was to be used by the men around her.

 

In 2008 I found a friend who told me I was handling everything wrong and she introduced me to self-harm and suicide. I'm not proud of this time in my life or the effect it still has, but harm has helped me get through some tough times. I just wish that friend would have given me a better coping mechanism. She caught on to how I was submissive from my previous grooming and used it to force me into a relationship with her and made me push all my friends at the time away to single me out.

 

Between then and now, I have been sexually assaulted by 7 different males and 1 female.

 

Fast forward to last month.

 

A friend of mine (of 3 years) made a comment that she believed I was non-binary. When I asked what that meant, she explained that I was neither male nor female. I went home and thought about it and all my feelings from my early life of top surgeries and Halloween and feelings came flooding back in a wave that overwhelmed me. I went to my girlfriend's place and broke down on her and told her how I felt. My girlfriend (who is mtf) understood and helped me figure out what I wanted to do.

 

So I made an appointment to see my doctor about another complaint and while I was on my way to see him I decided I was going to tell him. I snuck it in at the end of our conversation and he suggested I tell a particular family member who was the most supportive in my family.

 

So after I got out of the appointment, I called my grandmother. I told her how I felt, what my evidence was, and how my doctor had told me to tell her for her support and then to make an appointment at the transgender clinic. When I told her about thinking about the surgeries in high school, she verbally assaulted me and how I wanted to disfigure my body.

 

Having been told, and knowing myself, that this was the most supportive person in my family, I was panicked to tell the remaining family members. The next day I called my mother and asked to meet her on her lunch break. She met with me and, in a small voice, I told her, expecting the worst. All she said was I needed to figure out who I was (because I am a graphic designer and my name is my brand) and which name I was going to use for my branding, and not to jump into testosterone because it would damage my body. And she left. She thought I would get over it and it would pass.

 

I called my father and told him. His response, "if you cut all your hair off I'll kick your [butt]. And don't tell your brother, your great-grandmother just died". One, thank-you for telling me that earlier, and two, I was going to tell my brother later.

 

So after a little time, I told my brother. His response, "this is the third supposedly huge secret in 3 months. I don't care who you [sleep with]". The first two I told him was being asexual and biromantic. But I didn't have the strength left to argue that transgender wasn't a sexual preference, but who I was inside my head.

 

So I turned to my friends in hopes that they would understand. Out of the people who call themselves my friends, only four of them call me Sebastian (or Seb). Everyone else uses my female name (sometimes in its entirety just to get to me) and have been telling me its just a phase, or it's against the bible, or just brushing it off and acting as though nothing has changed.

 

So that brings us to today. I am not willing to go back to pretending I'm a girl to make the rest of my life easy. I am looking for people who I can actually call friends and who aren't going to try and force me to be someone I'm not. I want to be Sebastian. Not Sebastian piloting the female meat suit. This turned out longer than I meant, but yeah. That's my story.

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     Welcome Sebastian I am sorry you have been having such an unsupportive  response from friends and family you are in a truly caring and supportive place we all understand that your true self is inside not in what the world decides it should be  Here are some virtual hugs young man ((((((((HUGS))))))))

 

     bobbisue:)

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sebld astian, and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.  It could not have been an easy thing to write (talk) about.

 

It is a shame that you have no one in your family that is truly supportive, but your story is far from atypical, sorry to say.  But your life is your own, and you must and will find the strength to live it the way you want to live it, no matter what anyone else thinks.

 

If I may make a suggestion, you should, when you have the means to find a gender therapist (or any therapist, for that matter), talk to them honestly about all that has happened to you.  It would not surprise me if it turns out you have PTSD and other types of emotional scars from all the abuse you've endured, and you need to deal with those issues along with your gender issues.  One can easily affect the other.

 

We're here to help all we can.  Please feel free to ask any questions.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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 Hey Seb! I'm sorry to hear you've had a rough journey, but I hope you're able to rise and overcome! I know it can't be easy trying to come out and not having anyone understand or care. I literally ring myself with anxiety every time I even think about telling a new person. Keep going strong though and be sure that you're doing you! That's your meat suit, dec it out the way you want to. :) 

 Welcome to the forum

-Valyn

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Sebastian.

 

Welcome :)

 

It's often not easy, but finding friends who understand is a good start. You will find many here!

 

Tracy

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7 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sebld astian, and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.  It could not have been an easy thing to write (talk) about.

 

It is a shame that you have no one in your family that is truly supportive, but your story is far from atypical, sorry to say.  But your life is your own, and you must and will find the strength to live it the way you want to live it, no matter what anyone else thinks.

 

If I may make a suggestion, you should, when you have the means to find a gender therapist (or any therapist, for that matter), talk to them honestly about all that has happened to you.  It would not surprise me if it turns out you have PTSD and other types of emotional scars from all the abuse you've endured, and you need to deal with those issues along with your gender issues.  One can easily affect the other.

 

We're here to help all we can.  Please feel free to ask any questions.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

2

 

I have actually been evaluated and I was diagnosed with having OCD, BPD, anxiety, depression, a split personality that my brain used as a defense for the 7year old assault, and PTSD. There are a lot of issues I fight on a daily basis, but I haven't been able to find the right group of people outside of the four I know I can trust.

 

And thank-you everyone for the warm welcome. I'm looking forward to becoming an active member (or as active as a college student can be) and meeting new people.

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  • Root Admin

Hello Sebastian ,

 

Welcome to TransPulse. :)  Just know that you are among friends here. We know and understand what you're going through.

 

MaryEllen :) 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Sebastian and thank you for sharing your story.  Coming out to others is one of the scariest things i ever did.  Like you i experienced a mixed response at best.   Perhaps it was easier because at the time i was in my early 60's but even then the smallest rejections hurt.  This isn't an easy road for any of us.  The wonderful thing was that i found this site where i could share with others who had ben or were going through what i was feeling.  At one point one of the old timers wrote: "We've got you back".  Just knowing i'm not alone meant so much to me.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Welcome, Sebastian, and thanks for reaching out to share your difficult past with us. I hope you can find a supportive and caring home here on TransPulse.

 

Gwen

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Guest Rachel Gia

Hi Sebastian,

You've been through a lot and I feel deeply for all the harm that has happened to you from people who should be your protectors.

It looks like you live in Manitoba.

I live in Vancouver and I found my people at AA meetings, in particular Queer Trans which is the name of a meeting.

This might be because I am an alcoholic and Trans but it was because there were very few support groups for trans people over 35 do I ended up floating for a while until I found Queer Trans and other groups to accept me.

You are probably already aware of this but I found it in a brief search.

http://winnipegtransgendergroup.com/

After I did my intake I was made aware of these sites in BC and we have Trans Care as part of our medical system.

I need to go to work now but Canada is awesome for trans acceptance.

At Queer Trans I would say that the largest demographic in the group are people like yourself.

I eventually found the courage to come out to my friends and most recently at work from attending this group.

Much Love to you!

Rachel

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Sebastian,

 I am so very sorry you are having to face such overwhelming odds with some of your unsupportive family members... I wish I had your courage when I was young, it would have made my life so much different and better, but you clearly have the core of a superhero! I wish I had your artistic talent as well, I am still struggling to get basic live subject and anthro art onto the page, but I just keep pushing that pencil (I love Copic pens as well). The best thing in world for me right now has been my wonderful therapist, I urge anyone struggling with who they are to see a regular therapist as often as possible (or just anyone really, even if your biggest problem is finding matching socks). I am wishing you great personal success and self love, please focus on finding what makes you happy, family members will either love you and support you or not, if not then leaving them behind for now and trying again later is always an option. Remember, you know who you are on the inside, changing you canvas to match is just a form of self care...

Big Squishy Hug!

Jae

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5 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

Hi Sebastian,

You've been through a lot and I feel deeply for all the harm that has happened to you from people who should be your protectors.

It looks like you live in Manitoba.

I live in Vancouver and I found my people at AA meetings, in particular Queer Trans which is the name of a meeting.

This might be because I am an alcoholic and Trans but it was because there were very few support groups for trans people over 35 do I ended up floating for a while until I found Queer Trans and other groups to accept me.

You are probably already aware of this but I found it in a brief search.

http://winnipegtransgendergroup.com/

After I did my intake I was made aware of these sites in BC and we have Trans Care as part of our medical system.

I need to go to work now but Canada is awesome for trans acceptance.

At Queer Trans I would say that the largest demographic in the group are people like yourself.

I eventually found the courage to come out to my friends and most recently at work from attending this group.

Much Love to you!

Rachel

I have looked at the site a few times, and we have a transgender klinic here I'm calling today, so here's hoping it goes well. Thank you so much for sharing. I am struggling with falling back into who my family wants me to be as an easy way out and struggling with dysphoria that seems to get worse each day since I accepted who I am. Its amazing seeing such a response and seeing I'm not alone.

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2 hours ago, jae bear said:

Hi Sebastian,

 I am so very sorry you are having to face such overwhelming odds with some of your unsupportive family members... I wish I had your courage when I was young, it would have made my life so much different and better, but you clearly have the core of a superhero! I wish I had your artistic talent as well, I am still struggling to get basic live subject and anthro art onto the page, but I just keep pushing that pencil (I love Copic pens as well). The best thing in world for me right now has been my wonderful therapist, I urge anyone struggling with who they are to see a regular therapist as often as possible (or just anyone really, even if your biggest problem is finding matching socks). I am wishing you great personal success and self love, please focus on finding what makes you happy, family members will either love you and support you or not, if not then leaving them behind for now and trying again later is always an option. Remember, you know who you are on the inside, changing you canvas to match is just a form of self care...

Big Squishy Hug!

Jae

 

Copics are life. It took awhile, but one of my coping mechanism for several years was collecting them and I now have the entire sketch set. Never give up on your art and if you ever want to talk art, I'm your guy. :)

 

I don't really have much courage with this, I'm petrified of taking steps forward due to the reaction of just telling them I was trans. Its almost like they expect it to pass like it did when I was younger, but I'm not as easy to manipulate now (or at least I hope not) and I really want to try and do whats right for me. I'm graduating the graphic design program in about a month (may do advanced year or look for a job, unsure yet) and my goal is to find a place and move out as soon as possible to get away from all the crazy they dump on me.

 

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Sebastian,

I'm so glad that you are going to see a therapist. He or she can help you sort things out and work toward moving on. Remember, with each baby step you take, you will find that the next step will be easier. I'm sure that we all have been in your shoes and we are here for you and will do whatever we can to support you. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Sebastian,

 I know how frightening it all is, I am right there with you... I moved out when I was 17, it was really hard, but I did manage to be a responsible person that could mostly pay the bills on time. I understand the need to remove yourself from the craziness, finding personal space to just be yourself without judgement around every corner is a very important thing for any of us. I am super jealous of your design degree! I have always done technical drawing and product design for work, but my live subject and anthro work fell away years ago, I picked it back up because my youngest daughter is really into anthro art like me... I use all her copics, she loves to collect them like you do, every trip to Michael's is an exercise in tween 12 year old money management! I really like the art of Gillpanda,  I'd love to sit in the red chair!:P I think I am going to see about commissioning a panel or two based on my poem 'Bears and Bunnys', I have a follow up poem in mind as well so I need to develop the story line for cohesiveness before I bring the project to Gpanda... I see your big on wolves, that's so cool! I myself am just a little purple bunny underneath it all, but I can plainly see your vicious courage level, coming out at all to a rough family like that shows me you have some serious fangs! Remember what  Brandi said, " with each baby step you take, you will find that the next step will be easier". I would recommend seeing a therapist asap, I completely love going to mine, he even lowers his prices if you have money trouble, he really just wants to be there to help people first and worry about money second.

Squishy Bunny Hugs!

Jae

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Sebastian.  Welcome.  I am deeply sorry to hear of your past and I hope your future holds many good things for you in whatever direction you choose.  I also love music, all kinds and art too.  

 

<Hugs>

Jani

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Welcome to the forum. It's only natural to be confused and I hope that you can talk to your dad, ask the questions that you have. Be honest with him. I'm not in your position as I am the dad in my family. It takes time for any one to adjust to the news and I hope that you can work things out. Feel free to ask any questions as we are all here to support you. you are among friends here.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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  • Forum Moderator
41 minutes ago, ashleysamways said:

i need to sleep....ill be back in the morning

That’s honestly a very good approach, sometimes we just need to absorb things and think about them and time is the only factor that really helps us make sense of it all. I myself am the dad in this situation and probably won’t tell my kids for a very long time. But as a son I faced this same issue when I was very young, my father came out to me when I was 19, although I kind of knew to begin with as I remember catching him in mom’s clothes several times when I was younger. Being on both sides of this fence has definitely been difficult, but I do understand both my dad’s feelings about himself and my feelings about myself and the trepidation one faces when wanting to tell their children, all I can say is if your dad came out to you he must think  an awful lot of you to risk everything just to let you know how he feels. This means you’re probably more important to him than anything that might happen when people find out who he really is, just remember he chose to come out to you, that means more to him than anything he can imagine, because he wants your love and acceptance. I remember being very angry with my dad when he came out to me, but I think I was more mad at myself because I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone else how I felt, it took me 28 more years to figure out I had to be honest with myself and those around me that I truly love. I may have only told my wife so far but my soul is dying to tell others, however I don’t want to burden them, and at the same time I’m not very courageous, I’m quite the coward... Your dad sounds like one heck of a courageous individual, even if it doesn’t sound like your typical act of courage.

Squishy hugs,

Jae

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Jae said it better than I ever could. It is very hard to come out to family or anyone for that matter. But I agree that your father wants your love acceptance and support.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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This community really is the best I have found so far, so I would definitely recommend it to everyone I know. You are all so open and I'm glad I joined it.

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  • 1 month later...

Hey, Sebastian! I am sorry that you haven't found the right supportive group yet, but I hope you know that I support you. You're very brave for coming out at all--something I don't think I will be able to do with my family. My friends pretty much much told ME that I am Trans, but that's besides the point. If you ever need someone to talk to, or to have another FTM friend, I am here! 

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