Why must anyone be anything??

[Kirsten]

how Badly do I want it. I ask myself that all the time. I built the life I desire minus myself. I am not in the role I imagine. But my role kicks ass too. And there aren’t many people that get this chance. At least not in the world I grew up in. So how badly do I want it? 

I tell you how badly I want it as I sit here and cry. I want it like I want the plague. I want to love my kick ass role. I want my kids to grow up normal. I want to make everyone I see smile every damned day. But I don’t know how. 

[Jani]

I too had an awesome life or so it seemed.  The thing is, my male alter ego had the awesome life.   But deep down I was not happy and it would boil over occasionally making everyone wonder what was wrong.  Everything changes when you take the ride and you can't go back because the genie does not go back into the bottle.  If you keep it inside, it will constantly bubble up to remind you its there.  Maybe an alternative is to not socially transition and just let Kirsten out occasionally while staying at a low dose of HRT.  It can be done.  It may not be the best of both worlds but it does allow you to live in both.  I know a few folks that have a personal / family / work life balance they are happy with.  Its work but nothing in life is free.

 

Jani

[Cyndee]

Hi there, I'll add to this thread after reading this morning.

 

Simply think "AND" not "OR"

 

You can be this AND that, you can do this AND that. Shed any artificial restrictions.

 

Life is cumulative, we are the sum of our experiences.

 

I will just say this, that BC pills have so little estrogen in them, for a body assigned male at birth, not much if anything can be expected. I recall finding my mother's BC pills when I was about 13, I remember thinking this is cool, it was more a mind trick I did with myself. Estradiol prescription monitored from a MD will yield real results...

 

If you want to express femininity, by all means do so, growing up male in our society comes with the very strong cultural message "Not Girl". That message is embedded in so many aspects of male socialization (at least when I came of age), ask yourself, why ? Exploration of the gender spectrum can be a very enriching endeavor (IMHO), it does not have to be a big downer.

 

I am personally skeptical of anyone propagating messages that start with

 

"Real Men, bla bla bla"

 

or

 

"Real Women, bla bla bla"

 

These messages in our society lead to so many problems, yet people eat it up, what a trap....

 

You create your own reality

 

Cheers...

 

C -

[tracy_j]

2 hours ago, CyndiRae said:

"Real Men, bla bla bla"

 

I always take this to mean: I think you are wrong, as you don't agree with me, but I don't have a good reason so I am using this!

 

Tracy

[Kirsten]

Thank you to everyone. I apologize for my last post. Last night was a very trying night that’s carried into today. I really like that think “and” not “or”. I also have to remember that this is going to be a roller coaster of a ride to say the least.

I have been searching for that one thing that makes all of this okay. The reason. The why. The thing that shows me this is all worth it. That it’s okay to throw my families lives into a blender and mess everything up. Maybe that’s the problem. 

I am going to go back to what I have been doing for the last 2 months. Take 1 day at a time. Keep my brain focused on whatever I can that’s not this. And just tackle what’s in front of me. 

My wife has found a therapist in my area that at least has some experience with gender dysphoria. And has helped people start on hrt as well. I will be calling her tomorrow. I hope that it’s a good fit for me. But either way it’s one thing at a time from now on. 

[BrandiBri]

Kirsten, I'm glad that your wife is supporting you. That's going to make it easier to move forward. Your therapist should be able to help you find yourself. Let us know how things go as you move forward. We all care how you are doing and are here to support you.

Hugs,

Brandi

[SandraG]

Kirsten, I am glad you've found a remarkable place that I've also just discovered! The warmth and support here is incredible!

 

As someone who's currently facing a lot of these concerns, my heart goes out to you... it's really hard to face the price that you may pay to be yourself. My wife is incredibly supportive in so many ways, but... sometimes she just gets completely turned off by the changes that I'm going through. It's heartbreaking, since she's the woman of my dreams, and is doing everything she can to be supportive of my transition, but it's something that I've only recently realized in myself, so the openness and honesty that we've cultivated in our marriage isn't always a help. 

 

Also, screw the labels!!!!  They aren't helpful, they only hurt. I have found, since I realized what the problem that I've been dancing around all my life rather than facing it, that the labels don't matter to YOU, they matter to other people. My wife (who hates math compares it to game theory: you are forced to negotiate with society to find an acceptable niche for yourself to interact with the outside world, but that doesn't define who YOU are, and shouldn't define how you view yourself and how you interact with yourself in your own head. It's really hard, and DEFINITELY something that I'm facing multiple times a day.

 

You've got this, you just have to realize that you do! It's hard, and will really feel like a day-to-day, and moment-to-moment struggle, with yourself and the outside world, but... you're in a generally trans-friendly industry, and you've found a wonderful place to help. It's no substitute for a therapist, but it definitely can help fill the gaps that the distance from a therapist will cause.

 

The most important thing to realize is that you are yourself. No one can define you but you. That has been the hardest thing for me to realize. 

[Jani]

Kirsten, I love your photo!  

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Thanks Jani. The kids were away Saturday night and I had some new clothes I hadn’t tried on yet. I figured I should have a photo right?! ?

 

And good morning to everyone. It’s a beautiful crisp sunny Monday morning. Make the best of your day and try to make someone smile! ?

[Kirsten]

Woo hoo! Found a “sexual” therapist in my area who has agreed to see me! She has some experience with non binary/trans/gay/sexuality/etc.... 

I hope she is what I am looking for. She seems to at least know what I’m talking about. 

No insurance but it’ll be well worth the 150 a session if it works out. I guess I’ll find out on Wednesday! Yep this Wednesday!! ????

[Jani]

Very nice!    Just figure the high fee will offset any long travel expenses.

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

4 hours ago, MaryMary said:

 

that's great. Hope she's good. A good therapist is priceless

That makes two of us. 

1 hour ago, Jani said:

Very nice!    Just figure the high fee will offset any long travel expenses.

 

Jani

Lol I was thinking the same thing. 

 

Funny story. 

I was at work today and a woman approached me from behind and called me miss. Lol. She quickly changed it and apologized but I smiled ear to ear. Funny feeling for sure. 

[Jani]

That's nice to hear.  I'm sure you were beaming inside.  

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Hey everyone. I got to meet with my new therapist today. She is very nice. She’s kind of a hippie lol. She was staying behind after the appointment to burn sage and lavender to cleanse the energy from the room. 

But she has some experience with trans people. FTM that I know of for sure. And many other similar patients as well. She is very reassuring and thorough. She’s also already asked about the “letter” I need for the insurance purposes. I didn’t really know what to tell her about all of that. I was wondering if anyone has any insight into that? When I need it? What it needs to say? Who it needs to be given to? This is an area I don’t really know anything about. I am making an appointment with my gp tomorrow for a referral to an endocrinologist because I think that is what I need to do? I don’t really know. 

Sorry for the bombardment of questions but I really don’t have anybody that I could ask. And the sooner I can be under the care of a professional the better I think. 

Thanks for the help, again. 

Cheers 

Kirsten❤️

[Jani]

Yes she sounds like a hippie of sorts or into aroma therapy maybe?  You would need two letters as recommended by WPATH guidelines in order to have bottom surgery.  This sounds like it may be a ways out for you, if at all needed.  Interesting that she would bring it up at this early point.  The letter is to your surgeon referring you for surgery, stating that you have met the guidelines and fully understand the outcome of the procedure.  

 

I hope she works out for you.  MA is an informed consent state so when you do meet with an endocrinologist you shouldn't need a referral letter from your therapist for a prescription.   They may want to see lab work before starting you on HRT.

 

Best of luck tomorrow.

Jani

[Charlize]

My endocrinologist actually wanted a letter from a GT prior to prescribing HRT.  I would certainly talk to her about any steps you might be considering and the steps you need to take.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

8 hours ago, Charlize said:

My endocrinologist actually wanted a letter from a GT prior to prescribing HRT.  I would certainly talk to her about any steps you might be considering and the steps you need to take.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Yeah I had heard this. This is needed for insurance to cover the hrt? That’s kind of the impression I had. I had also heard that without an actual diagnosis from a psychologist stating that I am transgender it’s not covered. That’s kind of the point of the therapist.

I’ve been in and out of therapy my entire life. But as for the last 10 years or so I have no real need for therapy. I know myself very well. I have dealt with my wonderful upbringing. I understand my family are idiots and morons and all of that doesn’t matter. I am just trying to start hrt and do this the right way. 

I’m making an appointment today with my doctor for an Endocrinologist referral. I guess he will probably know what I need. 

Thanks for the info 

cheers

Kirsten ❤️

[Jani]

My therapist is in my state and a letter is needed but my endo is in MA and the letter was not required.  I signed a document that I understood the possible positive and negative ramifications of starting HRT.  I'm not so sure about the diagnosis code.  As noted earlier MA does require gender treatment to be covered by insurance.  Best of luck today. 

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

This process is very difficult. But I do feel a sense of relief once the anxiety subsides as I make these calls and talk to people about this. I will say that everyone I have talked to has been very helpful and understanding. And that doesn’t happen for me very much. 

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk to him about all of this and he can hopefully start the process that needs to be done. I am also awaiting an appointment call with the endocrinologist! I have been so lucky with this that I am thinking this will be the appointment that’ll end up being in a month. 

But I really feel like the universe is helping me. That this is meant to be. That I am doing the right thing. But whatever happens I’m ready to take it head on! 

 

[VickySGV]

27 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

But I really feel like the universe is helping me. That this is meant to be. That I am doing the right thing. But whatever happens I’m ready to take it head on! 

 

If you can say this to them, that is really what they are looking for to begin the HRT and sailing will be smooth.

[Kirsten]

Just called the Fenway Health group. The man that runs the transgender part was not available but the call is in! I’ve talked to my pcp and have his full support, and I found out he has a ftm patient and is comfortable with me as well. I really like my therapist, but my insurance won’t cover out of network charges so I probably won’t be there for long. But maybe I can find someone in network through them with more experience anyways. It’ll stink going into Boston but it’ll be worth it! 

❤️Kirsten❤️

[Jennylynn]

Awesome news! Congrats Kirsten!

 

Jenny

[Gwen]

All wonderful news, Kirsten - you're on your way. It's always a blessing when things fall into place.

 

I'm a Pistons fan We're not having the best year

 

Gwen

[Kirsten]

Thank you for the kind words. I have to admit I’ve been a little nervous the last few days. Things have started to happen and after so many years of nothing happening it’s kind of scary. My wife is also a little scared as well. I am glad things are a little slower for the moment. But it really seems to be helping her that by chance one of her friends daughters is ftm and started the process about a year ago. So she has someone to talk to that has appeased many of her worries. Like I said, it’s like the universe is pushing me into what I should have done when I was 10 years old. 

54 minutes ago, Gwen said:

I'm a Pistons fan We're not having the best year

As far as this, I’m a Celtics fan. Our year has been a roller coaster ride more than transitioning! Lol. 

[MicahKj]

Congrats, and good luck with your therapist. Hopefully a comfortable pace will help rein in the nervousness a little.