New to the site + community and extremely confused about identity

[jive]

Hi all! As the title stated, I am new to this site and the LGBT+ community. I'm a 16-year-old, biological female who is extremely confused. The sole reason I joined here is in an effort to explore and understand my gender identity, because for the past four (or more) years, I have been so confused and somewhat uncomfortable with my expression and identity. I tried not having labels and I've tried androgyny, but it just doesn't fit. I have a therapist who suggested going label-less, but I crave labels. I discovered androgyny and transitioning via the Internet. My psychiatrist explained spectrums and such to me, but I didn't feel like a non-binary individual.

 

All of this leads up to one thing: masculinity. I am severely confused with masculinity - I've always liked the rougher stuff, and I longed for "boy" toys, like Nerf guns. I was content with what I got, like a doll house, but it wasn't something I played with at all, if ever. I'm not the most masculine-acting person, but I'd like to be. I remember when I was much younger I asked my dad for a masculine-scented deodorant and was so happy when I got it. Multiple times I've had dreams of being a biological male and find myself enjoying it greatly. I also hated dresses, and I was always uncomfortable in them, but my mom is confused because I never "acted" uncomfortable. Right now, I love being called a boy's name, he/him, and presenting male. It has come up really suddenly and out of the blue for most of my family, but I've been questioning for years now. That being said, I still have some serious doubts about this, mostly put into place by my mom.

 

At the same time that I want to socially be recognized as a male, the aspects of femininity stay with me. I am not quite sure what constitutes as dysphoria, but I often have the overwhelming sense that something very basic in my life is just wrong. I do not expect to see a female body when I look in the mirror, but that is what comes back. I had cut my hair very short even before I rediscovered my gender identity. I'd be okay to have a child at some point in my life. I've also been considering long-term changes, such as HRT and surgery, and I find myself liking the idea for when I'm a legal adult. I'm still attracted to males, but seriously doubt my ability to find someone who may like me in spite of the whole issue of gender identity.

 

That being said, I'd be really excited to hear from anyone. Advice, stories, or even confirmation that I'm in the right place will go a long way! I'd love feedback, so I'm seeking it out now. I am seeing a gender therapist soon (not sure when), so that's something I'm really excited for. Also, I'd really like help determining what is dysphoria and what isn't... I know the bare bones of it, like being uncomfortable with your biological sex, but I often question whether or not that's something I'm actually experiencing. So if anyone knows how to distinguish that, then I'd love to hear. Thank you so much!

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jive,

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It surely is confusing trying to find our transgender identity. It seems the harder we try, the more confusing it becomes. Try to not stress out over it too much. The answers will come eventually.  Seeing a gender therapist is a good step in the right direction. While he or she will not tell you what you are, they will lead you in the direction of self discovery. Good luck.

 

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Jive.  Like MaryEllen said, being young is a very confusing time all around, and more so when gender confusion confronts us.

 

You may have heard that gender identity is a spectrum, and its true.  You don't need to fit yourself into any kind of box.  What makes you most comfortable with yourself and your identity is the goal, and that identity can change from week to week or day to day.  That is called being "gender fluid."  I'm not saying that you are, just offering up an idea that might be helpful.

 

There is a lot out on the Internet.  Here are a couple of links you might check out:

 

https://www.genderspectrum.org/explore-topics/teens/

 

https://www.pflag.org/resource/be-yourself

 

http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/transgender.html

 

https://www.liveabout.com/a-teen-wonders-am-i-trans-1415718

 

I hope that helps, and that its not too much info.  Please let us know how things are going.  We care.  I care.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Welcome to the forum Jive.  I'm sorry to hear you are struggling but it will get better.  As Carolyn Marie says gender is a spectrum and there are many points along the way to stop.  The idea that you are comfortable with male identity yet not rejecting all your female identity is a sort of fluidity.  That's all right.  You're young and you may try out different personas before you settle into being the person you know you are.   Having a conversation with a gender therapist would be a good start.  

 

Jani   

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Jive. you have come to the right place. As already stated, a good first step is to talk to a gender therapist. He/she will help you sort out your feelings. I understand your moms confusion, it is normal and she needs to work through her own feelings too. I "acted" like a male for 58 years before saying "enough is enough!" My youngest daughter is having the same issues, as well as feeling that she has lost her dad. These are real issues and I hope that you can talk openly with your mom to address her concerns and explain your feelings as well. Take your time to find your true self. 

 

Brandi