How often do people just not do anything about their gender identification issues?

[Mallion]

I mean like, to go through their entire lives, knowing something was incorrect about their birth gender and how they feel inside, and never do anything about it because they're afraid of prejudices? 

I came out two weeks ago to my parents, and while they are supportive of me, and want what's right for me, they're now saying "I can't help but feel you're doing the wrong thing" or "putting yourself in a bad situation". This is because I've always dealt with bullying throughout my life, and they feel this will add to the existing problem and take things too far for me. I can understand, and I get their reservations. But, it's really hard to explain to them WHY I feel like I was born in the wrong body. Dad thinks if I work out or go to a gym I can then take pride in my body, and I keep having to explain "it's not like that". It's hard to say "I don't want to be male" and I want them to know I'm not just trading one in for another so to speak, that I genuinely have felt that I was born as the wrong gender my whole life. 

 

So if I did listen to my dad's concerns, i.e. I'm opening a "can of worms" or opening myself to "ridicule", then what kind of life am I likely to lead? Personally I think I'll always be unhappy, JUST because I was worried what some strangers I will never see again, think about me. 

 

On Monday I'm going to the docs as it was 2 weeks ago he asked me to give him some time to look up what his role in this procedure is. I'm 100% fully commited (internally) to seeing my transition through, because it's entirely, completely what I want. But I wish I had some ammunition VS his "you might not be able to handle the abuse". 

 

So yeah I mean, can anyone please give me any information on how I would likely feel if I just ignored my... well feelings, about my gender. And just lived how people expect me to live. 

 

Thanks!

[Guest]

People whose main concern is that you "might not be able to handle the abuse" likely have your best interests at heart.

 

But they don't really have a grasp of what it's like to be a transgender person in today's world.  My experience has been that the vast majority of people are accepting - many overtly so.  And the situation steadily improves as the percentage of those who actually know a person who is transgender continues to grow.

 

There will probably always be a vocal minority of those who see us as a target.  But you just need to avoid them and the places where they gather.

 

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Mallion, I spent 58 years knowing that I was wrong, not knowing what it was that was wrong because I didn't have the word to describe what I felt. But wrong none the less. I felt that I had to fit in, in order to survive. Once I realized who I really am and made the decision to transition I found peace and a sense of happiness that eluded me all those years. 

As Kenna stated, most people do accept,  I have not yet had any negative experiences.

 

Brandi

[Dreki]

I used to run a website for non-op trans people. Some of them did medically transition, they took a few years to get comfortable in themselves first. Some of them came out but chose not to medically transition ever. It was nice to give them another alternative, but I never pushed it as better than transitioning. It was just an option- take it or leave it.

 

It is possible to live comfortably without medical transition, but it is not possible for everyone. A lot of people need to transition.

 

It's hard to get statistics on how many live quietly for their lives without transition or coming out at large. How do you even study that? Many would lie even on a confidential survey. Some people would accuse me of doing that- I've gotten top surgery, but never taken testosterone and I'm not interested in coming out to every darn person I meet.

 

I agree that most people are accepting nowadays. There are some locations in the world where it's more dangerous.  You have to ask yourself if fear and misery is the way you want to live your life- or if you want to live a life of courage and pride.  

You have to do what's right for you, not what's right for anyone else.

Your dad''s objections are a knee-jerk reaction to change.  He also likely feels that you're coming out is a rejection of him. (way too many parents take it personally) It feels like he's losing a son, he may be questioning his own masculinity and fathering, and he'll have to mourn the father-son bond so he can start navigating the father-daughter bond.  It sucks for us, but it's part of their process and I've seen fairly few parents not experience it.  Even parents who are LGBT aware and friendly and educated can have a knee-jerk of negativity when their own child comes out. Even people who are queer or trans themself. It's different when it's your own kid.

Think about how long it's taken you to accept who you truly are and come out. It takes most of us years to go from that very first sense that our assigned sense isn't right to be comfortable enough coming out. Your dad is on the same journey. Hopefully he catches up with you some day.

 

As it is, you can't spend your life waiting for someone else's permission. If this is the right course for you, take it.

[SugarMagnolia]

I'm 50 now and I couldn't even truly admit to myself that I was trans until 2 years ago. Essentially, I spent my entire adult life trying everything I could think of to avoid REALLY dealing with it and trying to just be who I was "supposed" to be.

Now that I've started this journey, I'm saddened that I waited so long. It's certainly easier to do now, which is a positive, but the pain and struggle of hiding for so long makes me wish so much that I could have found that self-acceptance much earlier. 

[Jani]

Mallion I knew I was different from when I was a young child and figured out later it was about being transgender.  I held on but ended up coming out when I was 61 because it had gotten to a point I couldn't tolerate life any longer.  Unless you take some action (you define this) it will gnaw away at you.  In a way it is trading one set of problems for a different set but I feel I am more in control now.  I can deal with the issues, which I have done well I think.  Please recognize that the choices you make will be appropriate for you.  Each of us in on our own journey and we go as far as we need, or are comfortable with.  

 

It tends to be hard for dad's to wrap their heads around this news.  Maybe its testosterone and pride.  As noted, many do come around but parents need time to absorb the news and get through a grieving process of their own.  As you note, you need to live you life on your terms.   Tell them you understand their concern and worry but what you need most is their support. 

 

Best of luck at your upcoming doctor appointment.

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Yeah seems like everyone hits this right on the mark.

There’s a line in a song that I really like. 

“You can change your clothes, hairstyle, friends, city, continent, but sooner or later your true self will always catch up. Always it waits in the wings.”  (The Cribs Be Safe) 

For me this is like the title of my life. Sure you can beat this down over and over. Sure you can do everything you can think of to not be this way. But you are who you are. Nothing anyone says will change that. Nothing you do will change that. You are you. And if this brings you that undeniable relief and happiness that it brings me then it’s a road you must take. 

Just remeber most people in your life will need time. Time to process mourn and adjust. Be patient and open. Open to share and open to others needs. It’s long and difficult. 

If you ignore it it always seems to come back tenfold. And eventually you’ll be right back here.

 

 

 

Kirsten