Just realized.

[Jen Grant]

Hi everyone. My name is Jenya Grant.

 

I'm 42. I'm a biological man. Or a male. Or an -censored-. Or I don't even know who I am.

 

I'm a transgender. Or a bigender. Or genderqueer. Or I don't even know who I am.

 

I'm bisexual. Or pansexual. Or intersexual. Or I don't even know who I am.

 

Am I a transsexual woman? Or a feminine man? Am I "locked in a man's body" or no? I don't know. Who do I want to be? I don't understand.

 

My story is quite common in transgender society, but I feel some ambiguity. Many transgenders say they always knew it and felt that a woman/man was locked inside their bodies and they just desided to let her/him out. I wish I had the same clarity, but I'm full of doubts about myself...

 

I didn’t realize these things until recently. Just... а month or so ago. I'd taken a very long way to it, but I didn't have a clear understanding of what I was going to find. And then, after it had been collected in one picture, like a puzzle, it became so clear and sharp... I was crushed and ecstatic at the same time! I was washed away by the tsunami of emotions, feelings, images and thoughts. I almost got mad! The first couple of weeks it was a mixture of pain, resentment, happiness and euphoria. The mood was: "Cut my dick off and fill me up with estrogens!"

 

But then the storm subsided, I digested the discovery and understood that it wasn’t so simple. The Gender Identity is complicated and not a discrete thing. And I slide along the GI gamut up and down like roller-coaster! So, I held on distinctly female edge, then I suddenly was displaced to the male side (not edge :)) of the scale. Then I drifted to the female side again, then to the male one back. Frankly speaking, I don't want to be at the male edge of the scale. But it's not exactly under my control.

 

I know one thing: I have never been at the clear male edge of the scale, but I repeatedly was on the female one. However, I’ve lived 42 years of my life as a man!

 

The idea of being a female is more comfortable for me. Although it was obvious, it never occurred to me before. It's obvious for today's me, but in the old-fashioned USSR and Russian society and at the pre-internet era, I had no single chance to realize that. At the same time, I can not say that I'm exactly a woman. No. And this is the most ambiguous thing!

 

Both men and women attract me. I know that it's about sexual orientation, not about gender, but there is one strange thing. They attract me very... differently. I want/like/love women as a heterosexual man, but not as a homosexual woman, and I want/like/love men as a heterosexual woman, not as a homosexual man. I feel it clearly. For example, when I fell in love with men (romantically, it was several times in my life), I start keenly feel like a woman. Why can't I want both of them just as... ME? I don't understand. Sad, but true.

 

I was growing up as a beautiful kid, then I turned into a handsome young man with rich hair, big eyes, a pretty face and soft skin. I must admit I liked that! Adults would joke that I probably could make a pretty girl. I enjoyed those jokes. I didn't exactly understand why I liked it so much. And I didn't understand how the guys around me could be so satisfied and confident in their male bodies with all those stubble, rough skin, brutal faces and other masculine attributes. I couldn't imagine having the same appearance. I had long hair, wore elegant clothes, sometimes bought women's jackets and boots (in unisex style) just because they were more graceful.

 

I had a gentle nature, I was very sensitive, perceptive and full of empathy. I was keen on music, dances and arts. So, I became an artist, dancer and musician

 

I wasn't a gay. On many occasions different men tried to pick me up, but I wasn't interested. Then I thought I just wasn’t interested in men, but much later I understood that I just wasn't interested in THOSE men. I wasn’t as picky when it came to women And I had a lot of them! Long live the Hormone!

 

I've been growing up and getting old slower than others. Whilst other men acquired stubble, bellies, wrinkles and chest hair, I remained handsome and graceful. Actually - feminine.

 

But as time went by, approximately since 33, I started acquiring stubble, belly, wrinkles and chest hair too. And the hair on my head became thinner. It was a nightmare! I still didn't understand why it was so frightful, but now I know it was dysphoria itself. And it began to be worse and worse with growing self-hatred and depression.

 

I looked in the mirror and saw... an ALIEN! Not me but some unknown man... even kern! Heavy, fat, chubby-cheecked and hairy. Deep inside I still felt myself like an airy androgynous creature, but year by year I saw an ugly man, who wasn’t me, in the mirror. People said to me that I was a very handsome man! But I didn't think so. I didn't want to be handsome. I wanted to be beautiful!

 

I tried to adjust to it. "Accept myself" (Oh, this -censored- common piece of advice!). Tried to suit that. Being strong muscled "true man". I ordered my body to become big. I visited a gym. But I didn't succeed. It was a borrowed goal, and as any non-authentic goal, it couldn't be achieved correctly. Instead of gaining muscles, I grew fat. I was deeply unhappy.

 

And finally, after six years of psychotherapy and numbers of antidepressants, I accidentally and unexpectedly came across an article on a gossip site about transgenders. You know it... "before/after" etc. Something exploded in my mind. With a power of the atomic bomb. I've written about it above. At first, my inner woman had exulted! But then... I started dangling on the gender identity scale up-n-down. And now I really don't know what to do with it. I'm not sure that I'm a woman but sure that I am actually not a man. I am not ready for the transition, especially in Russia. All I can do is try to become as close to androgynous body shape as possible without HRT. And I'm not ready for coming out for full-time. Not in this country. I'm scared.

 

My apologies for this longread, but I have to say it's not so totally terrible! After I realized these things I became much relaxed, satisfied, spontainious and released. My inner struggle subsided. My attempts to compete with other men becoms unimportant and ridiculous for me. And now if some guy try to "compare lengths of our cocks" I just think (and somtimes speak loudly): "Ok dude, we found out that yours one is longer. So, might be now we talk about real business?"

 

I have started to smile much often. I've changed my attitude to food and eating. I've lost more then 15 lbs. at this month. I've shaved off all this accurst hair from my body, started to shave my face regularly (not once a week as earlier))), started to care about my body. The level of my anxiety's decreased tremendously and I've begun to feel much happier!

 

My appearence has changed. If I show you two photos, now and several months ago, you will probably ask me how many weeks on HRT I passed. And I will answer: no one! Just realized.

 

So, now I finally stop telling my story, because I can write eternally...:)

 

 

 

[Dreki]

Congratulations on taking this step, and thank you so much for sharing your story! 

 

There's so many options, and it's complicated. It's hard to tell for "sure" what you really are. Some people have that clarity from birth, but a lot of us do not. The answer can change, too! 

 

It's great that you're already are feeling better about it. I'm sorry you're living in such an unsupportive country. Fortunately you still have the internet for support.

[Jen Grant]

Thank you so much! 

[Dev]

Welcome, Jen!

 

It sounds as though you have some exploring yet to do, but your ready acceptance of the fact that whatever you are isn't strictly male will help you greatly.

 

Just to give you a bit of perspective on something you said...  I'm one of those trans women who didn't realize what was going on until much later in life.  I was nearly 30 when I realized I'm not a man.  Once this occurred to me, so much of my life started to make sense in a whole new way, but I had managed to go that long without questioning anything up to that point. 

 

It's good you realize that gender is a spectrum, as well.  Many people try to fit firmly on one side or the other, all male or all female, but there are countless ways to experience gender in between the two extremes.  One term I didn't see you mention in your post is genderfluid, which is a state of flux - your gender as you apply it to yourself (and perhaps as you express it to the world as well, that's up to you) can shift and jump about on that spectrum. 

 

One of the things I had to learn at the start of the process of self discovery is that expression and identity can vary.  I thought at first that if I'm a woman, I must be absolutely feminine in every way.  Ladylike.  Fortunately, that's just not true.  I am a woman with some traditionally masculine interests and methods of expressing myself, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts with us here.  While only you can say for certain where on the gender spectrum you stand, we can and will give you our experiences and viewpoints to consider as you make that decision.

 

Again, welcome!

[Jennylynn]

Welcome Jen! Love the name! Lol. It is true that you don't have to take on all feminine or masculine traits  to be comfortable with yourself. Most of the time my wife tells me that I am more the woman in the relationship. (I like getting dolled up!) Other times though I complete the male roles. I still work on cars and hunt and fish with our boys. For me it was always about my body feeling wrong. Like Dev said, when I first started to transition I thought I had to be ultra feminine to pass but quickly realized that I just need to be me. 

 

I've spent time in communist block countries in the past and I can definitely identify with your fears! It must be scary. I hope being on here with us helps you Wade through the mud to come up with a clear image of yourself. Good luck dear!

 

Hugs,

Jenny

[Jani]

Welcome Jenya.  I hope you find information here to make some sense of your feelings.  

2 hours ago, Jen Grant said:

My story is quite common in transgender society, but I feel some ambiguity.

There are many points along the gender spectrum so don't be concerned about ambiguity.  Also we've all arrived at this point on our own schedule, some knew at an early age and some much later.  

 

2 hours ago, Jen Grant said:

I have started to smile much often. I've changed my attitude to food and eating. I've lost more then 15 lbs. at this month.

Taking care of yourself is wonderful as it put us in control of our lives.  

 

I look forward to hearing more from you.  Please join in the conversation.

 

Jani

[Gwen]

Welcome, Jen, and thanks for sharing your story. It's clear you've made a significant discovery within yourself that would/could alter the rest of your life. As I read you post, I saw myself over and over. Even though I'm 20 years older, the process and changers were so similar. I think you are on your way to something very beautiful

 

Gwen

[Terry]

Hi Jenya,

 

Welcome to this community! I joined fairly recently and was instantly made feel very welcome on here. The people on here are absolutely lovely and great at giving non-judgemental and helpful advice! Like you I'm not entirely sure yet where I see myself eventually. To be honest it might be more about trying to fit in and not drawing too much attention rather than about what I want to be. And being like that in a country that is fairly open-minded regarding gender, I can't even think what it must be like in Russia.

 

I hope you will find your way eventually - the important thing is that you've started to realise you're not cis-male. For me at least it has been a relief, and I suppose that's true for many others as well.

 

Terry

[Jen Grant]

Oh my God, I so touched and thankful!.. Now sitting in subway with happy silly smile whilst reading your answers! 

[Jen Grant]

6 hours ago, Jennylynn said:

Welcome Jen! Love the name! Lol.

))))))))) 

You know, I really like names with "Jen"! Moreover, the name Jenya in russian is a short version of name Eugene/Eugenia. Both, men and women could called with these names (Eugene or Eugenia), but the short name - Jenya - is the same for both genders Absolutely great name!))) 

[Jen Grant]

7 hours ago, Dev said:

I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts with us here.  While only you can say for certain where on the gender spectrum you stand, we can and will give you our experiences and viewpoints to consider as you make that decision.

 

Again, welcome!

Thank you so much! To be honest with you, it's little bit hard for non-native to write such long and complicated texts, but I will try  I'm just afraid of numbers of grammar mistakes I do... 

 

Now I'm thinking about something... Look. There are a lot of different usually attached to both genders (let's simplify to bigender system for example). "Men do certain things and women do another certain things, men and women express themselves on certain ways. This is masculine activity and this is - feminine.  In this system we used to position ourselves on the gender spectrum. 

BUT! There's the 21st century and we all know that it is just a social stereotypes! Everyone can do anything! Each of us can live his/her life on any way he/she wants to live, there are no "typical women's and men's activities" and ways of thinking. And I would ask according to that: how could we understand who we are, men, women or anyone else? What we could take as a reference point? 

[jae bear]

Hi Jen,

 You are absolutely right with this statement:

58 minutes ago, Jen Grant said:

There's the 21st century and we all know that it is just a social stereotypes! Everyone can do anything! Each of us can live his/her life on any way he/she wants to live, there are no "typical women's and men's activities" and ways of thinking.

There is no longer any reason to worry about your hobbies, habits, manner of dress or personal activities, these are all available to both genders and you need not worry about any of it, do whatever makes you happy. As for your next question:

1 hour ago, Jen Grant said:

how could we understand who we are, men, women or anyone else? What we could take as a reference point? 

This becomes a very personal topic, one that depends on a great many things, gender dysphoria, personal feelings and emotions about yourself and what you really want that would make yourself happy. I have recently found that many people do not realize that there is a difference between sexual preference, gender identity and gender expression. Sexual preference is not always obvious to ourselves, but we typically have a good idea what we like. Gender identity gets a little fuzzier,  most of us spend a lifetime trying to hide something we consider a terrible secret because we feel shame about wanting to be the opposite gender or what we really want that would make us feel aligned with our thoughts and feelings. Gender identity was easy for me to ask myself, I asked myself this hypothetical question, "if I woke up tomorrow as whatever gender I wanted with no social repercussions, what would I choose to be"? My personal answer is always the same, I would choose to wake up and get out of bed as a girl every time. Gender expression is a rather new concept to me, one that kept me from fully understanding myself for a long, long time. Gender expression has more to do with the way we interact with others and how we let the world perceive us outwardly, and in my case I spent a life of overcompensating to hide what I thought then was shameful. Allowing yourself to have a gender expression aligned with your true self is a very good indicator for what might be your gender identity, but everyone's journey on this path is unique, so results may vary... The good news is that you have found this forum with truly beautiful souls that want nothing more than to help and listen to you in every way, passing no judgement and opening themselves up for your benefit, I am so glad you found your way here.

Hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Jen Grant said:

To be honest with you, it's little bit hard for non-native to write such long and complicated texts, but I will try  I'm just afraid of numbers of grammar mistakes I do...

Jenya you're doing good.  Where ever you learned English, you did well!  

 

2 hours ago, Jen Grant said:

there are no "typical women's and men's activities" and ways of thinking.

Yes this is an important point.  Society would have us believe there are differences but to those of us who have looked deeply at life, we see this is not true.  

 

Jani

[BrandiBri]

3 hours ago, Jen Grant said:

"Men do certain things and women do another certain things

H Jen, welcome. This statement reminds me of how far we've come. In the 50's the want ads in newspapers read "help wanted, men" and "help wanted ,women". It was assumed that men only did certain jobs and women did certain jobs. It was thought that women were not capable to do construction work, etc. 

I agree with everyone here, that the gender spectrum spans from male to female and everything in between. Only you can determine where you are in this spectrum. Take your time to get to know yourself, as others have said, this is not a sprint, but a marathon. 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Charlize]

Welcome Jen.

 I feel for you in having to suffer through a society where you must hide to a great extent.  The US is certainly better in some ways but even so safety is an issue here as well.  I was 63 when i transitioned.  Until then i lived as a male.  I felt i had to hide do to the pressures of society.  Fortunately i've been accepted in my little town and am living happily as myself........a mixture of male and female.  I simply have no desire to stop doing what are considered male activities.  

 We all can find our own reality.  It also may well change over time.  This site has helped me.  

 Breath deep, relax and enjoy your journey!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Jen

 

Welcome

 

Tracy

[McGee]

Hi Jen, and thank you for sharing your story  It sounds like you have been doing a lot of soul-searching, and that is always good and healthy! You've come very far already, and with your current determination, I'm sure you'll go MILES further - best of luck and good wishes to you on your journey