Ahoy, new member!

[McGee]

Hey!

 

I'm not entirely sure where to start or how much to tell, so let's begin with the basics; I'm 24 years old, from Denmark, go by McGee to the friends I'm out to, and I'm questioning my identity. Am I FtM? Am I non-binary? Am I somewhere in-between, or something else entirely? I'm not entirely sure, but I know that I'm not a woman, despite being born female. I abide to some "feminine traits", but I don't feel feminine/female enough to claim to be a woman. I've always repressed my feminine sides because it felt wrong to show them when I KNOW I'm not a woman, but over the last few years, I've let myself abide to what society calls "feminine traits". And while it's nice to not feel the same self-made restraints as before, it still feels wrong.

 

Mostly because I have breasts. Having those pesky things makes me so, so insecure and uncomfortable, and they don't feel like they belong to me at all! I don't feel like I was meant to have breasts, nor any kind of genitalia. I feel like I was meant to be completely smooth "down there", much like a Ken doll, if that makes sense? I'm happy enough with having a vagina, but the things that comes with it (ovaries, uterus, etc.) are just plain wrong for me; just knowing that I have those things makes me sick to my stomach. I'm considering getting a hysterectomy, but it's so expensive, and my primary goal is to get top surgery, which is also quite expensive, especially because I have to travel to get it done. I can live with having those things, but I can't live with having breasts.

 

As a kid, I longed for "boys' " toys, like plastic dinosaurs, and I never played with the one doll I got. I hated pink, and I was content, even happy, to be misjudged and called a boy due to my short hair. But then puberty kicked in, and as I grew breasts, I grew insecure and shy. I refused to wear a bra for a long time, hoping that (too) tight tops would somehow squeeze my breasts back inside my body, so I could once more have a flat chest. But when that didn't work, I was forced to start wearing bras, and I was outright repulsed by my own body. 

Periods didn't exactly help, either. 

 

I have struggled with these things since... well, since puberty kicked in, which is probably 10 years ago (I'm not sure when I hit puberty; it's too far away in my memory). But I think I've become better at accepting myself during all these years. But now my dysphoria is getting worse (more often and more intense) which just plain sucks, haha.

 

I came here mostly for advice and support, but I would also love to make some friends along the way  

 

This became a lot of word vomiting, forgive me. I'm happy to be here, and I can't wait to get to meet you all! 

[MaryEllen]

Hello McGee,

Welcome to TransPulse.    You must have a ton of questions so feel free to ask. We'll try to provide answers.

 

MaryEllen

[Cyndee]

Welcome McGee Nice to have ya here. Kick off your shoes, have a seat at the big circle, take look around, you're among friends.

 

"The assignment" can be such a burden, but what happens after is up to you. It's all about being at peace with one's self, and finding your comfort zone. I hope that for you

 

Cyndi -

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome aboard McGee.  Thank you for sharing.  I found that as i opened up to others here it somehow helped me.  I think that may be because i realized i'm not alone.  Just being with others who understand helps.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Gwen]

Welcome to you from the States, McGee. Thanks for sharing your experience and growing frustration. I applaud your efforts to begin reaching out for information, guidance and support. Hope this site helps you find what you need. There's a lot of wisdom here. It's helped me in many ways

 

Gwen

[Jani]

Hello McGee and welcome.  I have a niece that lives in your country, its so beautiful.  I'm sorry to hear of your stresses but it is natural to question your identity.  At first it seems confusing as you try to define where you fit but as time goes on and you think about it you will find your place.   Being uncomfortable with your body is something we all seem to deal with in one way or another.  The goal is to forge ahead with a plan and find peace with who we are.  I'm confident you will get there too.  You've told us a bit about yourself.  As others have noted please ask your questions and we'll try hard to address them.

 

Jani

[BrandiBri]

Welcome McGee, I'm not sure i can add to what has been said already, but I do agree that questioning is something that most of us do at one time or another. I have been out full time for 6 months and find myself questioning more now that before. I don't believe that I questioned myself too much before as I knew that I was female on the inside, but now I sometimes if I might be a little fluid.

Sorry for rambling on, but it does help to put the words out.

Please do ask questions as we are happy to answer them as best we can.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

 

[McGee]

Thank you all so much for welcoming me and for all your kind, positive, and inspiring words - they make me feel good and warm inside  I'll be sure to post my questions when I have worded them right!

[bobbisue]

     Welcome aboard  McGee as has been said questioning is quite normal in fact I believe it is necessary to explore your true self please look around and ask any questions you may have the only dumb question is the one you don't ask 

 

Bobbisue

[McGee]

Hi bobbisue, and thank you  I appreciate the kind welcome, and I like that sentence - "the only dumb question is the one you don't ask"

[Dean]

Hey, McGee.

 

I just recently joined as well, and I feel you on the whole not feeling like you should be a woman thing. Since I've been trying to figure this whole thing out, accepting more of my male leanings, its gotten easier. I feel like I've spent many years trying to pass as a woman, so not doing that I feel more free.

 

And on a lighter note, when I was a kid, Barbie always married a dinosaur. And they had dinosaur children.

[tracy_j]

Welcome McGee

 

Nice to meet you

 

Tracy

[McGee]

5 hours ago, Dean said:

Hey, McGee.

 

I just recently joined as well, and I feel you on the whole not feeling like you should be a woman thing. Since I've been trying to figure this whole thing out, accepting more of my male leanings, its gotten easier. I feel like I've spent many years trying to pass as a woman, so not doing that I feel more free.

 

And on a lighter note, when I was a kid, Barbie always married a dinosaur. And they had dinosaur children.

 

Yeah, exactly the same here! To me, passing as a woman is both easy and hard, which is weird to say, and even weirder to feel...

 

I like that your Barbie had dinosaur children

 

Thanks for the welcome, once more  

[DraiksWrath]

Hey McGee,

 I completely understand the part about your childhood it sounds a lot like what I can remember of mine. I have an older sister so I was often forced to play “girl” games, but I was always happiest playing outside in the mud with the neighbors’ son.

Welcome to the forum and good luck on your journey to find yourself.

[McGee]

Thank you very much, DraiksWrath   I'm happy, but also saddened, to hear that you can relate - happy that I'm not alone, sad because you went through similar things. But I've found that I'm far from alone, and the community (I've been more or less involved in the transgender community for about a year or so) helps me tremendously! 

[Ravin]

Welcome, McGee! I'm glad to hear you have community, that's been a great help to me as well.