i hate therapists.

[MicahKj]

not sure if this would belong in any of the 'titled' venting areas since it doesn't really focus on any particular topic, guess i'll find out if it doesn't go here either. this obnoxious fricking mental train keeps repeating on a near daily basis and i'm getting really darn tired of wishing it would just get out of my head.

 

i'm too darn tired of this to bother with structure. stepdad molested me before first grade. i told my mom. she divorced. there was a lot of court junk that i still don't know much about.  supposedly my godmother had a PTSD episode and turned on us in court, caused my mom to have a nervous breakdown of her own. cases resolved and stepdad left but she lost her ability to function with people. quit her job, lost the house, moved in with her brother, barely left her room for years. ended up on disability. meaningful communication between us pretty much stopped since this whole load of miserable junk obviously happened because i said something bad. 

relationship with other family in the house was almost nonexistent. her brother was always glued to a screen, we never really bonded. his son was like the big brother i always wanted just because he happened to exist but he wanted nothing to do with me. he was buddies with a kid who beat me and never once to my lousy memory defended me. i was too dumb to take the hint and would keep trying to make friends with them. just keep getting over my cousin's ignoring me like it was never on purpose, keep trying to be friends with his violent buddy like there was nothing to forgive. i'd meet that kid every day at the bus stop and i only very vaguely remember being smacked around, kicked, duped into painful little stupid tricks(picture licking a frozen pole type little crap), but the only two scenarios about that kid that stick with me vividly are one time in the winter, when just me and him were hanging out in the cemetary, he knocked me over, stuck a sled on my back and started jumping and stomping on it with all his weight; and once in the summer, while a small group of my other friends just stood around and watched, chatting among themselves, as he grabbed me by the arms and dragged me on my back up and down a concrete parking lot. i don't remember his name or the names of any of my friends at the time, or really anything about that group beyond that they were maybe four or five faceless kids, the boys were older/or atleast bigger than the girls, and i was always the first one to be blown off when they got bored.

there were therapists i was supposed to talk to, or counselors, psychs, whatever the heck they were i don't know if they were hired by my family or mandated by the state, but i remember a handful of different offices and a couple of vaguely differently shaped people that the adults all trusted who i had to talk to because they were "there to help me".

there's a number of vague, confusing things i keep remembering about different parts of my childhood that just hurt to think about, but by far the most painful half-memories i've found yet is of trying to talk to these therapists about them at the time they were happening and with no pause for support, being told to talk about my stepdad instead. which is really the only indicator i have that they were definitely not school-employed counselors, because that is the one, sole topic they wanted to talk about. they didn't want to help me reconnect with my mom, or bond with my uncle and cousin, or show me how to make friends in class, they didn't seem to react to details about an older student being physically violent with the elementary kids. they didn't want to hear it. they didn't care. it was talk about "daddy" - who hadn't been around in weeks, then months, then years - or talk about nothing at all. none of the things currently happening in my life mattered, I didn't matter, because he was not involved. it fricking hurt, in the sense that there was obviously something wrong with me in specific, that i could not be as important, or cared about as he was.
i only started remembering this crap in the last couple years, but i had the clearer general memory floating around in my head for a much longer time that back in elementary i kept trying to be someone else as a kid, and i didn't really think about that meaning anything. at some point on some unknown prompt i just asked mom what she would have named a boy, started wearing my cousin's handmedowns, tying my hair back and going out and trying to convince the other kids on the block that i was someone else. it never occurred to me growing up why it seemed to hurt so much looking back on that the other kids would never pretend with me or let me forget what my real name was, but considering what i've figured out by now i'm starting to get a pretty good fricking idea why.

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Geirmundi,

I'm sorry to hear that your childhood was so rough. I was the picked on and tormented kid in my school. In Highschool I joined the only crowd that would in some way let me in, the drugies. They made fun of and belittled me and made me a joke behind my back and to my face. 

 

Sometimes when we are young, we will make friends who aren't really friends because even these seem better than no friends at all.

 

Yes, it does leave scars the way I was treated. I can still think back on that, especially on a couple kids who were much bigger than me who bullied me particularly badly, and feel resentment, anger, and even hatred if I choose to. But I've come to the realization that dwelling on these things in this manner doesn't help me. I remind myself that these were just kids. Cruel yes, but just immature kids. It doesn't make the pain of those memories go away, but it helps me move on and not let those memories dictate my life. I've set healthier goals in my life, to focus on positive things more, to care about others and love my fellow people. I try to tear down those walls I built up as a kid for protection and let true friends into my life. I get scared sometimes by doing this, but I push ahead and continue working at it, because it's making me a better and happier person.

 

I've learned to look for my friends in healthier places. Being a recovering addict, I've found friends in NA and AA. Being transgender I've found friends here at TransPulse. It's the memories I make now with my real friends that really matter, not the old painful memories of the past. This is something I've learned in life.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Geirmundi, like Timber Wolf, I am also sorry to hear that you've had a difficult early life.  Those scars and memories can be overcome.  I won't lecture you about therapists; there are good ones and bad ones, certainly.  I do believe that most want what is best for you, and honestly try to help. 

 

I would like to point out that starting HRT is not dependent solely on seeing a therapist, especially for long periods of time.  Many endocrinologists use the informed consent model for starting HRT, and your local LGBT center or Google can help you find one.  You can also use our list of trans-friendly doctors.  The Standards of Care do not mandate therapy before starting therapy, but it does suggest that for many, therapy is a good idea.  Changing genders is not as easy as many of us think it is, or hope it is.  It is difficult, stressful, and there are often many family, workplace and social issues that must be contended with to make transition a success.  A good therapist can help make the journey easier.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[jae bear]

Dear Geirmundi,

 I am so sorry to hear of your rough and unfair childhood, and your  misunderstood and unsupported teen years, I can very much understand as I was always a kid that got beat up at school and I don’t remember anyone doing Anything about it or trying to stop it either. I can also understand your fear of therapists, often people have agendas or focused needs wants or desires that are not aligned with helping others, even though that is their job. However at this point you get to pick your therapist, I looked in the therapist resource guide here on this forum and found one near me that I absolutely love. In fact today is the day I go and see my therapist, and I look forward to it every week, he is quite wonderful, And works with me in a manner that is always supportive and helpful to me personally. While I understand this fear is great, I really do understand fear, this is something you are in control of, I recommend taking a look at the resource guide here for therapists and calling a few. When you call them it’s really rather simple, you set up an appointment for an interview, I want you to think of it as you interviewing them and not the other way around. If you find someone you can work with or seem to like, go with it see how it rolls and if it isn’t for you politely move onto the next... I do have to pay for mine out of pocket but I gladly do so as I really love talking with him on a weekly basis, and most therapists will work with your financial needs, I wasn’t able to pay the full normal price but we worked out something that I could handle, he’s really more interested in helping people than making money. I can’t say much for therapists that are provided by the hospital, as I’m still waiting for the appointment that we scheduled months ago, but it sounds to me like they’re more worried about people who are a risk to themselves or others and not interested in talking about all of the details insecurities and worries of transition. Then again that may not  be a correct assessment as I still have yet to talk to one from the hospital, so your experience may be completely different and covered by your medical insurance. I wish you the very best and I hope you find the support you need, we are all here to listen and help, Please reach out to us anytime you have worries fears insecurities or anxiety, I know personally I would love to be able to talk about anything that I could possibly imagine would be helpful, the people here on this forum are loving and wonderful.

Hugs,

Jae