Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Second therapy appointment, and Adulting Sucks!


SandraG

Recommended Posts

Hey, all!

 

I had my second appointment with the therapist on Tuesday, followed by a couple days with my wife between a conference and field work. It was... a lot. I ended up writing about it but... it's 6 pages long. A bit long for a forum post, but I can put it up if anyone's interested.

 

The therapy session went well, but was also a bit of a shower in icewater at the end of the session, when she said "OK, so next time we'll start talking about the logistics..." well, that made it feel a lot more real than even five minutes before that. To go from that, to picking my wife up at the airport, severely jet lagged and sleep deprived... and only having a few hours with her before I had to go in to work, Tuesday was a roller coaster before work.

 

At work, I was a wreck... everything sinking in to a new level, I guess. It was hard to get through the day, and I went home absolutely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally... to a wife that hadn't been able to sleep either, had been wide awake, and been doing research into fertility complications and options, and wanted to talk about it. This, actually, was a great conversation, and one that I didn't have any sleep deprivation issues during. It wasn't an easy conversation, but it was a good one, and it confirmed to me that we both were looking forward to the same future together as we were before my epiphany and the beginning of my transition. 

 

The upshot to all this is that I'm going to be changing around the order that I'm going to be going through the procedures for my transition in. Rather than starting with HRT, which has fertility complications (and the alternatives are expensive, annoying, complex, and often not a good experience for trans* patients), I'm going to start with electrolysis, which just takes forever, is expensive, and painful. Seems like every trans woman I've ever heard give a piece of advice to someone in my position ends up coming very quickly to "start getting rid of that beard now!" While I'm a little disappointed that the next therapy session isn't going to be be leading to an appointment with an endo, I'm happy that the transition is still moving forward, that my wife still supports it (completely intellectually, almost completely emotionally), and that we both are looking forward to our future together, and are both willing to work hard to make that happen.

Link to comment

Congrats, Sandra! It sounds like you're taking a really good approach to all of this and including your wife in the decision making process. Obviously, some compromises are involved, but it seems like a really worthwhile path to take!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Sandra, 

 It all honestly sounds like you handled things like a pro. I don’t do very well when I’m completely wiped out and have to face a wife who is completely wiped out, we honestly probably have never had a single ‘good’ conversation in that mode, however if you were able to communicate with your wife, talk about a delicate subject and have a good conversation at that, it sounds to me like you’re doing very well communicating with your wife. Fertility is a tricky thing, my wife and I did need to go through the complicated steps of fertility treatment in order to have our wonderful daughter, but that was 13 long years ago... I had my motorcycle accident just after we learned that we were both pregnant, and oddly enough I received a full C-section scar before my wife had a chance to think about having a baby and ended up with a C-section scar of her own. I have to agree with the electrolysis idea, I am still trying to get a phone call to return or even a single email or appointment confirmation to come back to me after three weeks of hunting. I know darn well how long this is going to take and I’m very anxious to get that process started, I honestly just wish that I had started with that, but I had no idea until I learn the same thing you did as many here will tell you to start electrolysis right away. Kudos to you for keeping a level head and communicating well with your wife, it sounds like you two are a long way down the road towards a fantastic future.

Hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Ahhhh Logistics.  It sounds so business-like.  I retired from a career in logistics, so its funny to hear it in this context.  

 

I agree that starting electrolysis is a smart move.  Its does take some time to accomplish the results you desire.  

 

Actually, even though I knew I want to go on estrogen I didn't bring it up with my therapist for 5 months.   Maybe I realized I wasn't quite as ready as I thought.  I know my spouse wouldn't be ready then, but she came around.  As you've no doubt read this is a marathon not a sprint so it's ok to pace yourself.  Besides you are relatively young if you are still considering children.  I started at 61. YRMV.   No! Your results WILL vary.  Take your time and talk with your wife and do this as together as a team.  It sounds like she is there for the long run but don't get caught speeding and spook her.  You have a long time ahead of you to live and love.  

 

Jani 

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Jani said:

I retired from a career in logistics

 

Did you drive for a living? There's a lot of cool stuff on the horizon for the industry, but... unfortunately, a lot of it ends up getting rid of the need for a driver. A flat torque curve on a big rig is an impressive thing, though. :blink:

 

18 hours ago, jae bear said:

we honestly probably have never had a single ‘good’ conversation in that mode

 

Well... I thought it was a good conversation, at least. She doesn't have cell service hardly at all right now, so it's hard to even get email or text back and forth right now to see if she's even had time to think about it. We did part on an up note, though. :)

 

18 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

you're taking a really good approach to all of this and including your wife in the decision making process

 

That's one of those things that I kinda ran into with the therapist, not sure if it's me reading into what she's saying or an actual concern of hers. It seems like there's a focus on "well, if she wasn't around, what would you do?" :? This is something that we see some major compromises in the way that our life will end up going, but... it'll still end up going in the same direction. We have concerns with both our families, especially because it's looking like I'm going to be coming out shortly after we have the baby (if not sooner, but... I'll be able to avoid coming out to them for longer since I won't be going through HRT yet). That will be fun timing, but... it's also kinda the best time to do it. :blink:

 

My wife is having a harder time finding people to support her in this. She's interacting as a cis woman, with cis people, about the issue when it comes to therapy, and she's found the default tends to be "get out now!" She knows that's what she's in for with her family. It's... not helpful to hear when you're looking to be able to get help on how to make staying together easier. :banghead: It seems like it can be hard to find support as a spouse, who has problems with particular parts of the transition, to find actual support in the relationship, not support to leave the relationship. That was a good part of what we talked about... hard to talk about, but also good to talk about. My therapist commented that I seem more worried about her dealing with this transition than how I'm dealing with it, and while that's certainly not true... I have ways to deal with what I'm going through (I started a diary shortly after I came out to my wife, and it has been a HUGE help, and work gives plenty of time for thought), and helping her helps me, too! That is one of the best changes to this, even if I'm looking forward to the day that I don't need to use it as much! Showing her love, listening to her concerns, her worries, her fears, helping her through the difficult times... that's when I feel most like myself, like the self that I want to be. :angel:

 

I just wish she was able to understand that. I've told her that a dozen different ways, but... when it's just one person telling you this, you feel very alone. The fact that her only internet access is from a heavily monitored school computer doesn't make matters any easier for her this summer either... :(

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Sandra,

 You are completely correct that spouses have very little support for transition, my wife has been looking and searching for places that would provide support, but the common thread is either one of desperate disappointment or as you have mentioned the

‘get out now’  warning that seems to be pervasive inside any area that might appear to provide support. And sadly, even the places that do provide actual support,  like the couples forum here, my wife wants nothing to do with. Then again it is rather early in our discussion process, and she’s not ready for a great many things. I hate to say this, since I myself am completely impatient, is that time may be the best factor for our spouses. I find it very easy to say this to you, but to hear it from others feels like an icy glass of water down my back.  I wish I had more advice to give, but I struggle with my own, and advice isn’t always best acted upon as sometimes just pondered, I really wish the best for you and your wife, and having a growing family is a wonderful part of life. I often dream of what would have been if the two of us were simply moms together, coparenting in our family life ...  maybe I am just wishfully dreaming about this, maybe two women would really would not have gotten along in a parenting phase, but honestly I believe anything would have been better than my terrible self during this time of ‘him’ causing plenty of damage, being angry and surly with everyone. I know that this time apart from your spouse seems like a terrible disadvantage, but I suppose it is also possible that it could be good for both of you as absence is known to make the heart grow fonder...

Hugs,

Jae

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
9 hours ago, SandraG said:

Did you drive for a living?

No I was a Traffic Manager for a large electronics firm.  You're right about a lot of cool technology coming up but I really don't see driver's losing out.  There is way to much demand.  Tech will make their lives better, not take their jobs.  I have a number of relatives and friends who do drive for a living.  Lots of respect! 

 

As to the "default" reaction from certain therapists, find another good one who will objectively walk your wife down the path she needs to go on.  It will be whatever it is.  There is no need to have anyone drive their point.  This is her life and your life.  A good therapist provides objective actions to think about, ponder and decide if this is what's needed.  They should open up the aperture to see more possibilities, in a clearer light, in order for the client to make an informed choice.   

 

I know she probably appreciates the new person you've become but she needs to get past the body part and all that goes with it (clothing, hair, make up...).  This is new and scary and as many S/O say, not what they signed up for.   Be there for her the best you can.

 

Jani

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 126 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Mmindy
    • Maddee
    • Charlize
    • KymmieL
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...