Second therapy appointment, and Adulting Sucks!

[SandraG]

Hey, all!

 

I had my second appointment with the therapist on Tuesday, followed by a couple days with my wife between a conference and field work. It was... a lot. I ended up writing about it but... it's 6 pages long. A bit long for a forum post, but I can put it up if anyone's interested.

 

The therapy session went well, but was also a bit of a shower in icewater at the end of the session, when she said "OK, so next time we'll start talking about the logistics..." well, that made it feel a lot more real than even five minutes before that. To go from that, to picking my wife up at the airport, severely jet lagged and sleep deprived... and only having a few hours with her before I had to go in to work, Tuesday was a roller coaster before work.

 

At work, I was a wreck... everything sinking in to a new level, I guess. It was hard to get through the day, and I went home absolutely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally... to a wife that hadn't been able to sleep either, had been wide awake, and been doing research into fertility complications and options, and wanted to talk about it. This, actually, was a great conversation, and one that I didn't have any sleep deprivation issues during. It wasn't an easy conversation, but it was a good one, and it confirmed to me that we both were looking forward to the same future together as we were before my epiphany and the beginning of my transition. 

 

The upshot to all this is that I'm going to be changing around the order that I'm going to be going through the procedures for my transition in. Rather than starting with HRT, which has fertility complications (and the alternatives are expensive, annoying, complex, and often not a good experience for trans* patients), I'm going to start with electrolysis, which just takes forever, is expensive, and painful. Seems like every trans woman I've ever heard give a piece of advice to someone in my position ends up coming very quickly to "start getting rid of that beard now!" While I'm a little disappointed that the next therapy session isn't going to be be leading to an appointment with an endo, I'm happy that the transition is still moving forward, that my wife still supports it (completely intellectually, almost completely emotionally), and that we both are looking forward to our future together, and are both willing to work hard to make that happen.

[SugarMagnolia]

Congrats, Sandra! It sounds like you're taking a really good approach to all of this and including your wife in the decision making process. Obviously, some compromises are involved, but it seems like a really worthwhile path to take!

[jae bear]

Hi Sandra, 

 It all honestly sounds like you handled things like a pro. I don’t do very well when I’m completely wiped out and have to face a wife who is completely wiped out, we honestly probably have never had a single ‘good’ conversation in that mode, however if you were able to communicate with your wife, talk about a delicate subject and have a good conversation at that, it sounds to me like you’re doing very well communicating with your wife. Fertility is a tricky thing, my wife and I did need to go through the complicated steps of fertility treatment in order to have our wonderful daughter, but that was 13 long years ago... I had my motorcycle accident just after we learned that we were both pregnant, and oddly enough I received a full C-section scar before my wife had a chance to think about having a baby and ended up with a C-section scar of her own. I have to agree with the electrolysis idea, I am still trying to get a phone call to return or even a single email or appointment confirmation to come back to me after three weeks of hunting. I know darn well how long this is going to take and I’m very anxious to get that process started, I honestly just wish that I had started with that, but I had no idea until I learn the same thing you did as many here will tell you to start electrolysis right away. Kudos to you for keeping a level head and communicating well with your wife, it sounds like you two are a long way down the road towards a fantastic future.

Hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

Ahhhh Logistics.  It sounds so business-like.  I retired from a career in logistics, so its funny to hear it in this context.  

 

I agree that starting electrolysis is a smart move.  Its does take some time to accomplish the results you desire.  

 

Actually, even though I knew I want to go on estrogen I didn't bring it up with my therapist for 5 months.   Maybe I realized I wasn't quite as ready as I thought.  I know my spouse wouldn't be ready then, but she came around.  As you've no doubt read this is a marathon not a sprint so it's ok to pace yourself.  Besides you are relatively young if you are still considering children.  I started at 61. YRMV.   No! Your results WILL vary.  Take your time and talk with your wife and do this as together as a team.  It sounds like she is there for the long run but don't get caught speeding and spook her.  You have a long time ahead of you to live and love.  

 

Jani 

[SandraG]

15 hours ago, Jani said:

I retired from a career in logistics

 

Did you drive for a living? There's a lot of cool stuff on the horizon for the industry, but... unfortunately, a lot of it ends up getting rid of the need for a driver. A flat torque curve on a big rig is an impressive thing, though. 

 

18 hours ago, jae bear said:

we honestly probably have never had a single ‘good’ conversation in that mode

 

Well... I thought it was a good conversation, at least. She doesn't have cell service hardly at all right now, so it's hard to even get email or text back and forth right now to see if she's even had time to think about it. We did part on an up note, though. 

 

18 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

you're taking a really good approach to all of this and including your wife in the decision making process

 

That's one of those things that I kinda ran into with the therapist, not sure if it's me reading into what she's saying or an actual concern of hers. It seems like there's a focus on "well, if she wasn't around, what would you do?"  This is something that we see some major compromises in the way that our life will end up going, but... it'll still end up going in the same direction. We have concerns with both our families, especially because it's looking like I'm going to be coming out shortly after we have the baby (if not sooner, but... I'll be able to avoid coming out to them for longer since I won't be going through HRT yet). That will be fun timing, but... it's also kinda the best time to do it. 

 

My wife is having a harder time finding people to support her in this. She's interacting as a cis woman, with cis people, about the issue when it comes to therapy, and she's found the default tends to be "get out now!" She knows that's what she's in for with her family. It's... not helpful to hear when you're looking to be able to get help on how to make staying together easier.  It seems like it can be hard to find support as a spouse, who has problems with particular parts of the transition, to find actual support in the relationship, not support to leave the relationship. That was a good part of what we talked about... hard to talk about, but also good to talk about. My therapist commented that I seem more worried about her dealing with this transition than how I'm dealing with it, and while that's certainly not true... I have ways to deal with what I'm going through (I started a diary shortly after I came out to my wife, and it has been a HUGE help, and work gives plenty of time for thought), and helping her helps me, too! That is one of the best changes to this, even if I'm looking forward to the day that I don't need to use it as much! Showing her love, listening to her concerns, her worries, her fears, helping her through the difficult times... that's when I feel most like myself, like the self that I want to be. 

 

I just wish she was able to understand that. I've told her that a dozen different ways, but... when it's just one person telling you this, you feel very alone. The fact that her only internet access is from a heavily monitored school computer doesn't make matters any easier for her this summer either... 

[jae bear]

Hi Sandra,

 You are completely correct that spouses have very little support for transition, my wife has been looking and searching for places that would provide support, but the common thread is either one of desperate disappointment or as you have mentioned the

‘get out now’  warning that seems to be pervasive inside any area that might appear to provide support. And sadly, even the places that do provide actual support,  like the couples forum here, my wife wants nothing to do with. Then again it is rather early in our discussion process, and she’s not ready for a great many things. I hate to say this, since I myself am completely impatient, is that time may be the best factor for our spouses. I find it very easy to say this to you, but to hear it from others feels like an icy glass of water down my back.  I wish I had more advice to give, but I struggle with my own, and advice isn’t always best acted upon as sometimes just pondered, I really wish the best for you and your wife, and having a growing family is a wonderful part of life. I often dream of what would have been if the two of us were simply moms together, coparenting in our family life ...  maybe I am just wishfully dreaming about this, maybe two women would really would not have gotten along in a parenting phase, but honestly I believe anything would have been better than my terrible self during this time of ‘him’ causing plenty of damage, being angry and surly with everyone. I know that this time apart from your spouse seems like a terrible disadvantage, but I suppose it is also possible that it could be good for both of you as absence is known to make the heart grow fonder...

Hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

9 hours ago, SandraG said:

Did you drive for a living?

No I was a Traffic Manager for a large electronics firm.  You're right about a lot of cool technology coming up but I really don't see driver's losing out.  There is way to much demand.  Tech will make their lives better, not take their jobs.  I have a number of relatives and friends who do drive for a living.  Lots of respect! 

 

As to the "default" reaction from certain therapists, find another good one who will objectively walk your wife down the path she needs to go on.  It will be whatever it is.  There is no need to have anyone drive their point.  This is her life and your life.  A good therapist provides objective actions to think about, ponder and decide if this is what's needed.  They should open up the aperture to see more possibilities, in a clearer light, in order for the client to make an informed choice.   

 

I know she probably appreciates the new person you've become but she needs to get past the body part and all that goes with it (clothing, hair, make up...).  This is new and scary and as many S/O say, not what they signed up for.   Be there for her the best you can.

 

Jani