Kinda Venting

[TiaMaria]

Hey everyone, I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted but I wanted to kind of check in and also kind of vent. So… I think I need some help.

The thing is… I started a new job, but I still feel just as bad as I did at the old one. I thought I would feel better and it’s kind of pissing me off. I just thought it would be different.

I’m just feeling lost and unsure of what to do. Every day, I want to transition more and more as the days go on. I hate the way my body has progressed. But I just feel like it is too late. I mean I’m already done with puberty, and everyone keeps saying I look like a real man (whatever the heck that means). The bad thing is that I think I’m actually starting to become more misogynistic. My new job is mostly women that I work with, and on a constant basis I hear how women have it really hard and how when women state their issues and complain, I would love to have these issues. Like how their bodies are inconvenient for buying clothes. I would still love it. Warts and all, I would much rather be on the female spectrum than the male spectrum. But I think I’m still in denial. I still don’t want to admit I’m Trans until I talk to another therapist.

Another thing is that I still want to join military. A lot of people in my family, especially my dad, want me to join the military. I’ve had the thoughts in my head for quite a while, and I want to join because I like the respect that comes attached to it. I believe that to serve the country is something noble and a chance to prove myself. However, I don’t want to join under the current administration. It is too crazy right now. But I feel like if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it.

I’m sorry. It all just feels like a lot. There are times where I feel like committing suicide sometimes just to get away from this.

Just felt like venting and wanted to know if anyone had any advice on what I should do or anything. Thank You for listening! HUGS!!

Edited April 21, 2018 by Timber Wolf
Edit colorful language

[Dev]

Welcome back, Tia.

 

The vast majority of people who transition do so after puberty is finished.  And using myself as an example, I'll tell you I ran into very few problems with passing, even though in dude mode I look like a quarterback.  The misogyny sounds a lot like misplaced envy, and something that will probably lessen once you start transition.  It sounds to me like you already have admitted you're trans.  You've acknowledged your need to transition, which is a major part of that.  

 

Regarding military service, you're right that it's a respectable thing and family tradition is a lot of pressure.  But you're also right that you're not just serving the country, you're serving the whims of whatever administration is in power.  And at the risk of getting too political in an inappropriate forum, I'm nothing short of amazed that anyone is willing to sign up under the current regime.  There's a very real chance that enlisting under Trump would equate to throwing your life away in service of a tiny man's ego, as opposed to putting it on the line in service of home and country.

 

If you need, please join our chat room and talk with one of our crisis mods.  We're here for suicide prevention first, and all other things come after that.  

[Cyndee]

It's got to be hard to be a young person these days, all these messages, all these choices, which way to go ?

 

As an older lady here on the board (started transition at 51), I will be the first to tell ya, it's never too late to be yourself. Don't think it's too late, to take any action. Speaking for myself, I am glad I waited till later in life to do these things, because I had a steady relationship, I had a career and real world skills I could rely on, I had a place I could call my own. I had my act together basically, and the gender issues were took care of later, this approach worked for me.

 

I think for someone finding their way in the world, it's best to keep as many options on the table as you can.

 

Transition can be very resource intensive, and time consuming. Do you need this now ? There are many interim steps that could be taken that don't involve medical transition, that could give you some answers. Being creative in your expressions, and finding ways to go out in the world as a female, walk the walk, so you can talk the talk, without making permanent changes to your body. Walk a few miles in the shoes of a woman, and you will gain perspective. Study their issues, read women's literature, become knowledgeable in the issues that affect women, at the very least it could widen your point of view, before you make any decisions to "join the club".

 

Just letting you know you are being heard Tia,

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

 

 

[jae bear]

Hi Tia, 

I’m so sorry that your new job is not fulfilling your wants needs and desires, I very much understand how that can feel, when I was young I switched jobs a few times hoping for a bit greener pasture, but I never found that. I wish I’d had the courage to face myself at a young age, and even though I really did know inside who I was I would never have verbalized it or even had the conversation with myself that you are having now.  I did all of the things that were expected of me, my family pressured me for Marriage, children, my own business, and all of the trappings of a manly existence. I’m not going to say that I didn’t enjoy it, as I dearly love my girls and my wife, I just would’ve chosen to do it on the other side of the fence and be the mom. I honestly don’t think that I’m transitioning at an age that’s too old and believe me I am nearing 50. I think the best step I took was to get a really good therapist and be honest with myself, those are probably the most important steps that you can consider, if you can find a therapist that you like that will work with you, If you’re willing to be truly honest with yourself and with your therapist you have a real shot of moving forward in your life in a way that will make you happy. At the end of the day we all just want to be happy and if you’re able to find a way to happiness sooner rather than later I say go for it. I too am jealous of all these womens issues, and I hang out with the girls as often as I can and try not to out myself right there at the table when they talk, but it is extremely hard not to do so. Some of them do look at me a little sideways once in a while but I also take that as a complement, and in a year or two they’re probably all going to understand why anyway. I lost a good friend once in our first year of college, he simply could not come to terms or be honest with himself, he did not find a therapist, and it was a sad passing when I had to say goodbye to him, but you’re already much further along and have admited to yourself that you have a path to happiness, I encourage you travel down that road and see where it goes or at least look around the next bend and take a solid look at what could be...

Hugs,

Jae

[TiaMaria]

9 hours ago, Dev said:

It sounds to me like you already have admitted you're trans.  You've acknowledged your need to transition, which is a major part of that.    

 

I mean... for the most part i have. It's more about whether it would really help. I feel like even if i did transition, it wouldn't feel real. I would feel like i would only ever be half a woman. I've already missed on my younger years as a girl and i would still probably not be included in female spaces after i transitioned. I would never be able to escape my past as a guy and i feel like it would just follow me for the rest of my life no matter what i did. 

[jae bear]

Hi Tia, 

I know just how you feel, as we are all gripped with fears and insecurities about these issues. I often argue with my wife who says that I should be satisfied with just a few things and not need more, however she does not understand how you and I feel, we really want to be authentic, complete, whole, the entire package. I have to say that the good news is that we can achieve this,  your desire is within your grasp, but you can’t do it on your own, I would never have been able to move forward without my therapist, I urge you to find a good one as soon as you can. With a decent gender therapist you will find ways to tackle these fears and insecurities the way we all do, and believe me you can be the woman that you want to be, and we all mourn the loss of our ability to have been a little girl we desired.  The great news here is that you are still young, and have many years to look forward to, it is up to you to choose which side of the spectrum you’ll Live that life in. I chose the side of the spectrum that made my family happy and that made me terribly unhappy. I spent years cross dressing and wishing, you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. I guarantee you that many of us here envy your young age, I know that I do, maybe I shouldn’t say that but I often wish for the ability to go back to my young adult years and give it one more try. You have been granted this wish even if It is not clear to you. There are going to be many challenges, as a young adult your resources will be limited, but creativity will be the key to your happiness. It can be done, but you really need to know what is going to make you happy, just doing something for the sake of doing it or because others tell you to isn’t always the key to happiness. Again I encourage you to find a therapist, this was my key, and would have been my key at your age if I had only known to seek one out.

Hugs,

Jae

[TiaMaria]

4 hours ago, CyndiRae said:

Transition can be very resource intensive, and time consuming. Do you need this now ? There are many interim steps that could be taken that don't involve medical transition, that could give you some answers. Being creative in your expressions, and finding ways to go out in the world as a female, walk the walk, so you can talk the talk, without making permanent changes to your body. Walk a few miles in the shoes of a woman, and you will gain perspective. Study their issues, read women's literature, become knowledgeable in the issues that affect women, at the very least it could widen your point of view, before you make any decisions to "join the club".

To answer your question, i don't exactly need it right now, but i feel like will eventually and i feel like if i wait any longer it won't have as much an effect on me. I hear that a lot of the effects don't work once you hit 25, so I'm trying to come up with a plan before then. 

Also, i would like to have a sort of... test drive. I'm just terrified to do it by myself and i don't really know any people around here that would be willing to go out with me. And I would be nervous to go out around here as there are a lot of people around here that know me and my family and would probably out me if they saw me. 

[TiaMaria]

Thank You all so very much for the advice. There were a lot in here that said therapy, and i am currently trying that, and it does help some. I'm gonna see what else i can do in the mean time until my next appointment. I'll keep everyone posted. 

Hugs <3 <3 

[VickySGV]

31 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

I hear that a lot of the effects don't work once you hit 25, so I'm trying to come up with a plan before then. 

 

Said in a nice way-- BALONEY!!  I did not begin HRT until I was 61 years old, and I have all the good effects I could hope for.  I am not as pretty or cute as my younger friends, that is true, but I look a heckuva lot better than women 20 years younger than me, and on the whole I am much happier.  I wish that myth about hormones before 25 would go and bury itself in the cesspool!!

[BrandiBri]

Just now, VickySGV said:

Said in a nice way-- BALONEY!! 

  I started HRT at 69 and tho I have not been on it long I am seeing results and could't be happier. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

Double Baloney!!  Started at 61 also and I look marvelous darling!   Sure it's better to start early, but if you couldn't start as a teen, today is a great day.

 

Jani

[bobbisue]

Forget about age and what is past these are things you cannot change as you progress you will be accepted into the womans world I do not pass but now i get the smiles from passing women we chat in the store and line ups I am one of the girls it is the most wonderful feeling 

 

     Bobbisue

[Rachael]

Can I say triple baloney!     I started hrt at age 58 and lots of good things have happened. I have had a couple of minor detours along the way but progress continues. It’s been said before that it’s not a race as the first one there wins, it’s more of a way to help you see that life is worth the struggle and good things will happen. 

Good luck 

[TiaMaria]

On ‎4‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 2:48 PM, VickySGV said:

Said in a nice way-- BALONEY!!  I did not begin HRT until I was 61 years old, and I have all the good effects I could hope for.  I am not as pretty or cute as my younger friends, that is true, but I look a heckuva lot better than women 20 years younger than me, and on the whole I am much happier.  I wish that myth about hormones before 25 would go and bury itself in the cesspool!!

 

I agree 100% that I wish that it would go away. However, I still can’t get past it for some reason. The thing about it is, and I know this makes me sound vain, but one of the main hang ups I will have is whether or not my body will develop the way I was hoping it would and whether my face will become more feminine. For me, most of my dysphoria is more physical than mental. I have even been told by someone at my new job that I make an okay looking guy but I would be hideous as a girl, and since then I’ve been thinking nonstop that I have to transition now. I know I’m probably just repeating myself now. Sorry lol.

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, TiaMaria said:

I have even been told by someone at my new job that I make an okay looking guy but I would be hideous as a girl, and since then I’ve been thinking nonstop that I have to transition now.

 

I could have paid for my GCS out of pocket if I had a dollar for every time someone said this to me. LOL!  Give it the credit it deserves -- none at all.

 

I still have a good part of my old beer belly that I created for myself before I gave in to Transition, although I was over 60 pounds heavier when I started than I was the day I went in for surgery.  Hormones will give you the body that you would have had if you were born in a female body.  Look to your female relatives from Grandmother to Sisters and you will get an idea of what HRT can do for you.  My breasts are the same general size of my sister's and my Grandmothers and a great aunt.  Aside from my mid section, I am similar in my hips and legs and only an inch in height above them all.  Only my feet are bigger than theirs.  My great grandmother whom I have pictures showed her Native American features which I have some of, but do not want to erase. As I say, look to these examples in your life and pay more attention to them than your co-workers.  I have had people bragging about how they can spot a Trans woman across the field in a Ball Park look at me and not read me at all.  What a hoot.