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Kirsten

My Journey

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Kirsten

I never really know where to post things here. Whether I should start a new post, or continue on one of my others, or even another’s posting if it’s similar. So I was thinking this could be sort of an all inclusive of my journey up to now and what’s to come. 

I am not going to go through everything that’s happened up until now, but I will say that I have been to my doctor and am 3-1/2 weeks from starting hrt. I’m sure everything will be covered at some point. I just want to try to keep a running history of my transition. If it helps one person some day it would be well worth it. 

So I had my first therapy appointment last night. It’s very hard to find a therapist near me that’s had any experience in the transgender community. Most really don’t even know what transgender means. 

But this therapist has had at least 1 past patient. And she is excited to work with me. She went out of her way to do some research prior to my appointment which really made me happy. I am really optimistic about this time. She seemed to ask the right questions. And had some good answers as well. I was comfortable and felt safe. And I was nervous so it was great! 

Other than that I am pretty nervous overall but in a good way. I am very excited to restart the hormones. I can feel myself reverting back to a more masculine me.  I am much less sensitive. I am not crying every day for god knows what. And my breasts are starting to become less sore. Not a lot but a little. May 18th can’t come soon enough. 

I hope everyone is having a great day. The sun is up. The weather is wonderful. And we all get to make today whatever we want. So be yourself and do wht makes you happy! 

❤️Kirsten❤️

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MaryMary
1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

Most really don’t even know what transgender means.

 

isn't it crazy? Here in the city where I live the knowledge is very basic across the board.

It always makes me laugh when I ask questions to my endocrinologist and a lot of the time he have no answer. We still live in an age where knowledge about us is not very well communicated and very incomplete.

The first gender therapist I saw was almost 70 years old and was seeing trans* from time to time for the last 40 years. We were talking at some point about the advancement in knowledge and he told me (the underline just how much things change quickly) that he prescribed electroshock therapy to trans* in the beginning of his career. :o

and he was one of the only two in my region back then :blink:

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Jani

This is a good place for this post.  Unfortunately finding a qualified gender therapist can be a chore in some localities.  If she is excited and has done some homework you should be fine.  I understand that you'll be a bit nervous but try to be calm.  You'll be fine.  As your primary hormone reverts back to T for the period you are off E you might see  changes in your emotions and skin but it will be short lived until you get a script.  

 

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

I just want to try to keep a running history of my transition. If it helps one person some day it would be well worth it. 

Thanks.  This is a good idea.  

 

Jani

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Kirsten

@MaryMary I agree 100%! My first therapist I ever saw (10 years old) literally told my parents that I was a normal boy and to “keep doing what they were doing” and I’d grow out of it. So they continued beating me and I grew right out of it. Lol. I can laugh about it now because of who I am. But I am not implying what happened to me when I was a child was right in any way. I am surprised they didn’t offer electroshock therapy for me. It was a different time 30 years ago. 

Fortunately I was lucky enough because of my doctor and Jani, to find out about Fenway Health in Boston and I don’t think I will ever have to deal with a doctor not knowing about anything hormone related. 

1 hour ago, Jani said:

As your primary hormone reverts back to T for the period you are off E you might see  changes in your emotions and skin but it will be short lived until you get a script.

 

That’s what I was thinking/hoping. I hope that I don’t have to basically start from square 1 because I’m going a month without. I think I am becoming less and less nervous too. Every day brings new experiences and thoughts for me. And each of them helps me to feel more confident and simply stronger.

Today was the first time that I have been, well not bullied but talked about and laughed at from a distance. But it was obvious my coworkers were making fun. I didnt let it bother me though. Just kept doing my work. If they are so simple minded that they need to make fun of me then good for them. Must be a pathetic life that they live. And the jealousy must just be overwhelming to them. 💪🏻💪🏻 I am stronger than that. And if they want a rise they’ll have to work much harder than hiding off in the distance laughing and pointing. 

❤️Kirsten❤️

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SugarMagnolia

I'm sorry to hear about your co-workers, Kirsten. I like your attitude! Rise above it and keep going. And it is sad that they're so narrow minded. They're missing out on some great people and so much joy that happens when people get to express themselves authentically.

You go!

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Kirsten

Thank you @SugarMagnolia  I am prepared for the fools and jerks.  They don’t stand a chance. And I work with a lot of them. Probably part of why I’ve always hated my job. They are narrow minded womanizing people for the most part. At least in my division. So I’ve always kept my distance anyways. 

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Jani
6 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I hope that I don’t have to basically start from square 1 because I’m going a month without

Think of it this way.  This is about how long some need to be off HRT when having surgery.   I was off three weeks and my friend was off four (different doctors).

 

Jani

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Kirsten

Ok so I don’t know if this is good or bad but I just came clean with one of my friends. He was not prepared. Neither was I. But there it was. Vomit. All over the place. I couldn’t help it. He is a very close friend and one that I hoped would last thru this journey. But his wife and my wife are friends. Good friends. And now I may have crossed lines. Not intentionally. Ugh. Didn’t think that till just now. What did I do. Ugh. Well I was happy like 10 minutes ago. This stinks. It’s so hard to think of my wife right now. Should’ve like an hour ago. I suck. 

You know I thought about erasing this like every second I bet till I post it. But gees this was stupid. I may be beyond excited about this but my love isn’t. And I just threw her under the bus. Omg. I suck. Well at least I know I suck. This took 2 hours to write too. 😔

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Kirsten

See I am not ready for this. But I did it anyways. And now here it is. And what now?! I went outside of my ok circle. 🤢🤮

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tracy_j

At some point we have to make that step! It is difficult to plan as people often react in ways we cannot of imagined. Often good rather than bad though. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

 

Tracy

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DenimAndLace
5 hours ago, Kirsten said:

See I am not ready for this. But I did it anyways. And now here it is. And what now?! I went outside of my ok circle. 🤢🤮

 

Yep...    I can almost feel the physical anguish you're going through.  Been there done that.  The moment the secret is out is a terrifying moment but I always say, "ya gotta get to that moment when you can't NOT do it".  Looks like you got there.  This will be a defining moment of your life.  ...I kinda feel like this is also one of those moments when all I can do to help you is hold your hair while you empty your stomach.  I wish I could tell you it will be alright but I know from experience that might not be the case.  I wish I could tell you you'll be glad this happened but I know THAT might not be the case.  ...Maybe all I CAN say that MIGHT comfort you is that a moment in your life, like this, has been waiting to happen for a long time - It was destined to happen sooner or later and most of us know exactly what you're going through. 

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Charlize

I went through a similar situation.  I was seen and recognized by a relative at a gas station before i had come out to my wife.  All i could do was to begin the path to honesty with my wife.  In some ways that meeting was a good thing.  Chance had intervened to give me the bump i needed to take the next step.  Try to look at this event as a positive experience and in time you may well look back to see it as a good thing.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Kirsten

@tracy_j that is true. And I think it is all okay. He was full of questions. Some I had no answers for but none of it was bad. My friend hugged me and said he didn’t care what I looked like as long as I’m happy. And that I have his full support. 

I do think it’s a good thing overall. And after talking to my wife (at 4am which she loved) I am freaking out a lot less. She is okay with me telling anyone I want. Even if it’s her friends as well. I think I just thought I did something very selfish. But it isn’t as bad as i thought. 

@DenimAndLace I think you are right. I have gotten to that point where I just can’t not do it anymore. I am counting the days until I go back to my dr now. Three weeks!! And I definitely pushed myself forward @Charlize  And I think that’s all really good. Really scary but good too. I still need to stop doing rash things. I just got lucky this time that it may work out ok. 

 

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Jani

Kirsten I'm sorry to hear of the stress but it sounds like it went all right.  I remember telling my two best friends, I was terrified but it was all for naught as they are both very understanding and I know they love me as I do them.   Your relationship with him will change somewhat but don't let that bother you.  Forge ahead! 

 

Jani

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Kirsten

I think you are right Jani. He’s already been in touch with me to ask how I was and to assure me that he’s there if I need him.

I feel like I have to tell everyone close to me now. And I have to start with my son. I don’t know how that’s going to go. I’m not even sure what to say. My wife thinks he knows. He is 12. And he has been snooping through our room for ages so I guess he may know something. So that is my next step. Tell my son. And then tell my parents and probably my in laws as well. 

 

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Jani

I think at 12 he'll be alright.  Mine was 34 and we're doing better than ever.  

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Kirsten

I sure hope so. We are going to tell him with his therapist. My wife and I thought that may help. He will be able to talk to her (his therapist) right away and she is so good with him that we think it’ll work best that way. The plan was to wait until a few months into hrt to be sure but the more time that goes by the more I know this isn’t going to stop. So I think sooner is better than later. And I’d hate for him to hear something from someone other than me. So the time is coming. And his mom also thinks sooner is better as well. 

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jae bear
1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

I feel like I have to tell everyone close to me now. And I have to start with my son. I don’t know how that’s going to go. I’m not even sure what to say. My wife thinks he knows. He is 12. And he has been snooping through our room for ages so I guess he may know something. So that is my next step. 

 

Hi Kirsten,

My daughter is also 12! We recently went to see the movie ‘Love Simon’ and it was her choise... She also is constantly dropping verbal hints and cues as if she is fishing for information. My wife and I feel we need to move her into a new church and school situation that will be supportive of her as where she goes now will not work out since they will ask me to leave the congregation when they find out... I also think I want her to start seeing a therapist before we tell her, that way she will have some personal support in place and a working relationship with a therapist when she will need to process all this new info. Honestly I think she might already know, as she is also a huge snoop, but I try to always keep my iphone browser cleared and only log in with a private browsing window. I dont have any hidden clothes for her to find, but my physical apperance is causing her to question some things about me, that and I have relaxed my vocal patterns all around and clearly dont sound very manly these days... I hope that letting your son know goes well for you, I have heard that kids are generally more accepting than adults, and love will be the key to family harmony.

Hugs,

Jae

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Kirsten
42 minutes ago, jae bear said:

She also is constantly dropping verbal hints and cues as if she is fishing for information.

Hey Jae,

My son is the same way. Dad why is your hair so long. Dad why do you wear earrings. Dad why do you see so many doctors all the time. So I know he has some idea. Especially since I now have a doctor in Boston which is an hour plus from home which he really thinks is odd. 

I have also told him in the past that I have secrets that I haven’t been able to share with people about myself. He has severe adhd and has to see a therapist for social issues. So I try to make him feel better about his own stuff by telling him indirectly about mine. It helps a little I think. And if I need help it’s ok for him to as well.

I’m worried he will think that I have been lying to him. He kind of goes in that direction when he learns something new. And I guess I have been. But not just to him. To everyone. So I hope he sees it’s different in that way too. 

I think he will be confused but understand that this is not bad. But I really have no idea. Just another thing to worry about. And I definitely don’t have any shortage of things to worry about. 

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BrandiBri
4 hours ago, Jani said:

I think at 12 he'll be alright

I agree that he will be ok. I have read a number of blogs that were written by parents that have affirmed that young children usually have no problem with it. My children range from 37 to 43. All but one seem not to have any problem; my 39 year old felt like she lost her dad, but other than that all went well when I told them once they got over the initial shock😨

Both of you are on the right track when it comes to therapy. I think having a support system for them is wise. That obviously would not work in my case but it is a good idea for your kids. 

Good luck to both of you when it come time to tll them.

 

Hugs,

Brandi 

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jae bear

@Kirsten Yes it’s very similar to what you’re experiencing, my hair hasn’t gotten too long yet as I’m only maybe one appointment out past my last haircut, so it’s only just getting a little flippy in the back and I need to mousse it flat to keep the boy look going. My daughter is making rather pointed comments that she would never have normally made, she will openly ask me questions about transgender subjects, and often says things like “you should be lucky you’re not a girl, it’s hard because blank”, and stares at me as if I’m going to defend myself somehow. And of course she makes tons of comments about boobs... mine, her’s, that they’re annoying and get in the way, that she notices mine in my workout shirt saying “they don’t look right”, and my all time favorite... “why do you have to wear a shirt in the pool dad?” Sadly somehow she figured out she could weaponize my name, at one point she was mentioning to other people that my preferred name is Jae, and when she gets really upset with me she will try to make us equals and annoy me by calling me by my birth given name! I suppose this all sounds rather innocuous, however this is really not normal conversational topics for my daughter and she does this all the time, I took her to sushi today and there was a surprising lack of these comments, but there were at least four or five today alone, if she’s not fishing for information and already knows, then I slipped up somewhere along the way... Honestly I’m almost positive she’ll be fine when I let her know, I just need to make sure she’s in a safe space before I do that, as some kids will often use it as leverage during negotiations, oh yeah I forgot to mention to everyone else, and Kirsten you already know this, 12-year-olds are often very similar to territorial dictators or terrorists, and negotiations are the key to a peaceful existence!

Hugs,

Jae

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Jani

As the old says going... "from the mouths of babes." 

 

Kids see a lot more than we think and process it all quickly. 

 

Good luck to both of you.

 

Jani

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Kirsten
14 hours ago, jae bear said:

, 12-year-olds are often very similar to territorial dictators or terrorists, and negotiations are the key to a peaceful existence!

Haha. That is so true. Kinda works for three year olds too. Case in point I just watched 15 minutes of Arby’s commercials on YouTube because the little one likes saying “we have the meats” lol. 

Kirsten

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Rachael

I have told a few people and only had one that does not support me (so far). I hope things are ok for you. Sometimes there comes a point when you have to tell some people and work through the fallout. 

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Jani
2 hours ago, Rachael said:

Sometimes there comes a point when you have to tell some people and work through the fallout. 

I have to agree with this.  As hard as it may be, you need to move on because you've seen the real side of them.  

 

Jani

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      This is horrible! There must have been something else going to though to drive her to do that to her partner.. We really do need to take better care of the law of having guns.
    • VickySGV
      To sell advertising and newspapers!! We sell. probably to the people who claim we do not exist in public.
    • VickySGV
      If you think you could have had that type of surgery, my suggestion it to go to your medical provider, tell them of your suspicions and see if they can do any type of check for the surgical scars.  Be honest with them since we are years down the road from the practice. 
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