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Kirsten

My Journey

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Amy LeBlanc

Today starts day 1 of letting my face grow out for my electrolysis appt. So there goes my dysphoria till Friday

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Jani

As you progress along it will get better.  It is hard at first.  Hang in there!

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Kirsten

If you’re going on Friday, you can probably get away with shaving today and tomorrow am. Yesterday when I went I had enough stubble and I had shaved well Wednesday night. So like 60 hours. She asked that I shave Wednesday morning from now on and there’s plenty of hair for me by Saturday. So I’d guess at least today you can shave. 

Even though electrolysis sucks, I am looking forward to my next appt already. It’s a big difference in my face already for me so I’m happy and excited to continue. 

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SugarMagnolia

That works for me as well. Shave Wednesday morning and electrolysis around noon on Friday.

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Amy LeBlanc

Ok.  I know the place that I go to wants anywhere from 3 to 4 days worth of growth to make sure that there is enough to pull out with the tweezers after the needle burn

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SugarMagnolia

I think it depends on the skill of the electrologist and how quickly one's hair grows out. I may just be, sadly,  a quick grower. 🙂

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Kirsten

Julie that’s about how long I went last time as well. Shaved Wednesday late night and went Saturday morning at 8. But she did recommend an extra 1/2 a day for me. 

Gotta tell ya, I’m loving the results already. Pulling the hairs really limits the dreaded shadow 😈. Lol. But I did find I had some of those little red scars for a day or two after the second trip. All but gone today though. 

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Kirsten

Well I officially have a new pcp in a new office! It’s close to work, so I’m hoping I’m allowed to zip over there during work hours if I have a daytime appointment. I’m still waiting on the endo though which is a bit more important to me. But all in good time. I have an appt at my gender clinic in 2 weeks so I’m hoping they adjust my med levels then. It’s time to get serious on this stuff. 🤔. Lol. 

 

 

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Michelle F

Wow... This is very informative. I do 2 hour sessions once a week. Just recently I noticed some definite improvement. Chin is nearly smooth now. Starting on jaw line this morning... I haven't got much in the cheek area at all. Just the "Billy goat's gruff" I call it. Great goatee or Fu Manchu. Full bread..! ROFLMAO. Not possible! Never had one!

 

I am sure glad I joined this forum. I tried another one and it was too sex oriented for me. Y'all talk about important stuff. Useful info and wonderful comradery. That you all for befriending me. I've been totally on my own until I met my partner and then you guys. 

 

Love,

Michelle

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Jani

We're glad you're here and happy Michelle.  We're all helping each other out! 

 

 

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Kirsten
1 hour ago, Michelle F said:

I am sure glad I joined this forum. I tried another one and it was too sex oriented for me. 

I was on that path before I found this place myself. So many creeps out there. I had people offer to buy me implants, ffs, gcs, clothes, jewelry, etc..... to be their “doll”. 🤢🤮

I should go back and snake them all! Lol. 

 

Here is much much better. And the weirdos are very limited thank god! 🙏🏻

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Josie Beth

We’re all a little bit weird in a way but I get it, not the creepy kind of weird. Sadly I met a girl who was desperate for transition and probably fell for similar overtures from a married couple. Red flags, red flags! Danger Will Robinson.

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DeeDee
5 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I was on that path before I found this place myself. So many creeps out there. I had people offer to buy me implants, ffs, gcs, clothes, jewelry, etc..... to be their “doll”

😮😲🤯 - I have lived such a sheltered life...

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Kirsten

Well that was easy. My therapist had already sent my letter to the endo recommending me for hrt last week, so I called first thing this morning. And I have an appt on Friday morning! Lol. They happened to have a cancellation, so I got a real fast appt!  Not too sure if my meds will be adjusted or if it’ll just be a day of labs, but I hope something happens. I’m just happy that I don’t have to go all the way to Boston anymore! Yay!!  

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Jennifre Snow

Congratulations :)

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Kirsten

Today is a big day for me! I have started the process of lobbying my company for them to cover my transition expenses beyond what is covered in their current plan. As of now, I have a deductible of 2600 for my gcs. But that’s all that’s covered. After meeting with the local union heads they say that I have a very good case against the company since I can have doctors and therapists write me recommendations for things like ffs, top surgery, and even electrolysis to be deemed medically necessary under my current diagnosis. 

After reading @Carolyn Marie post this morning I was motivated to at least try. If other people are lobbying and even suing for trans coverage and winning, why not me!? Actually why not all of us!? My son has adhd and is eligible for ssi benefits for goodness sake. (We don’t take them cause that is ridiculous to us). We should be covered as well! Especially by a company that is supposedly 100% trans friendly on that employer list. 

Anyways, the wheels are in motion. The t6 council has a meeting tomorrow I believe and it will be brought up then. I’ll keep you posted on how this all goes. Maybe I can start a movement! Lolol. #alicesrestaurant. ❤️😁

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Jani

This is good for you.  There was this recent story on WBUR about insurance coverage.  Maybe it can add some weight to your claim.  The insurance company here is MetLife and it is about coverage in Massachusetts.  https://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2019/03/05/metlife-claim-transgender-surgery

 

 

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Kirsten

That’s great Jani! Thanks!

I am starting to put together a portfolio of some sort showing trans people that have gone through this type of thing and won. I’m hoping that if I can find enough proof, show them my letters from doctors and therapists, and find the right people to show all of this to, it’ll make it an easier process. Maybe change some things within the company as a whole for everyone! 

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Amy LeBlanc

Just want to share my part with what I have found from my insurance from my company and from when I had 2x consultations with the doctor that I would like to go with.  I am planning on going with Dr. Ley at the Meltzer clinic here in the PHX area.  I know that she does not take the insurance I have so it will be out-of network for me, but with in regards to my insurance and I have talked to my insurance, I have found that they do cover Transgender affirmation surgery when I talked to them and even got the documents on what they cover for the Trans community.  The problem I have with my insurance is that I have a High Deductible HSA plan, so for my out-of network, I will have to meet 13k which I really dont like.  My FFS was quoted at 38k and for GCS on the vaginoplasty with the canal will be 28k for me.  I have looked over my insurance doc's on the Transgender affirmation to see what all they will cover and they will cover the full GCS once I meet my deductible and for FFS they will only cover just the cranial part and not anything else.  However it does do a good job with covering my hormones.  

 

I have some more reading on what I got from my insurance and what they cover and what they dont cover for the Transgender affirmation is what my insurance calls it.

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Kirsten

That’s so much money Amy. 🤞🏻 You figure it all out. 

 

So so I met my endo today. She’s okay. Kind of impersonal, but the nurses are awesome. She upped my spiro to a full dose now. And she thinks that she wants to raise my finestaride as well. But that’s not until she sees my labs. I guess her approach is to take care of the T first and then adjust the E to get good levels. The finestaride is just for hairloss. And she seems to think I’m low there. So idk. Either way it was a good first visit. And I should have all but the T results by the end of the day. T is sent out to be tested I guess. So by Tuesday. 

 

Also I tried out the batiste tinted dry shampoo today, and what a difference that makes! It literally colors all those little white baby hairs a tad which makes me look like I have a full head of hair now! It’s all still short down the alleyway, but it is growing. And if this baby hair ever takes off I’ll be stylin for sure. 

 

So good news for this girl! Got some girlfriends coming to the house tonight for some darts and drinks (not for me) so it should be a good time. 

Have a great weekend everyone! ❤️❤️

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Kirsten

Oh and FINALLY 58° out today! Tee shirt weather!!! Yaaaayyyyyy! It’s nice to not feel so boy all day in a hoodie like most of the last 4 months. Aaaaah 😎

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SugarMagnolia

In California, 58 is the depth of winter and not t-shirt weather. LOL!

We're supposed to get into the 70s in a couple of days. I _might_ consider a t-shirt, then. 🙂

 

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Kirsten
Just now, SugarMagnolia said:

In California, 58 is the depth of winter and not t-shirt weather. LOL!

We're supposed to get into the 70s in a couple of days. I _might_ consider a t-shirt, then. 🙂

 

Hahaha. That’s funny. 60° and up is tees here. Even 50 if you’re active. But it was 6° about 3 weeks ago too. (That’s a double hoodie day but no coat till below 0) I have a friend who is a paleo climatologist and when she was living in Alaska she would come home for Xmas and be in shorts and a tank top when it was 20° but it was -60 in the arctic circle where she was taking core samples the prior week. 

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Amy LeBlanc

Here in PHX it is 70 degrees.  I am finally finishing up painting my hallway since it is a nice day out and can put the color on my walls instead of seeing primer white.

 

I just finished my electrolysis today.  It was way better for me this time that I did laser 2 weeks prior and now today electrolysis.  The dark roots did not have a chance to grow back and so today the electrolysis person was flaking off alot of the hairs that were cinched and just hanging there and also we decided to concentrate on the upper lip.  I was in tears the whole time on my upper lip, but I can say for 1 hours time, my upper lip is 99% clear.  So YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! on no more hairs on my upper lip.  It was worth the pain.

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Kirsten

That’s awesome Amy! I love like 2 days after my electrocution when all the plucked hair is still completely gone, and the bumps are gone too and I can get that one really sweet close shave. It’s like bliss to have almost no shadow at all with zero makeup! That’s when I feel my best! 🤗

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  • Posts

    • Jani
      I know its difficult but you can rise above this Kole!   Things will get better.   Jani
    • Kole Rickard
      Another day! Good morning! I hope everyone is having a better one than me.I'm just stressing out about grades and school, plus other things. It sucks because for me currently its only 8:13 AM and I have already had a panic attack today. I'm just super tired in general today as well. Oh well, lets just hope that today gets a lot better. <3 
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      Good morning    my my wife and I spent yesterday talking to another couple about the road we are on. It confirmed a lot of the emotions we are going through. I met them at a support group meeting and they offered to spend as much time as we would like talking to us and particularly my wife about their journey together.    Not only did we enjoy their company but they had they had a lot of good things to say.     Willow
    • Kirsten
      It is important to know we aren’t alone. I am so happy I could help you in some small way Claire. Please keep sharing. Letting it all out is such a liberating and positive step in finding your happiness. Im always around if you need someone to talk to.  K
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    • Stillbourne
      Wow. You broke my wall Kirsten. I felt validated being able to post in the first place. Reading your words has me crying. Good tears though.  Thank you.
    • Kirsten
      A lot of your story resonates with me. The family telling you what is right, and how to act. The abuse physical and mental. The abandonment of a family too full of themselves to make room for a daughter. The endless stories of how bad and wrong I am for being myself. The moments of living on the street to satisfy a mothers desire while secretly hoping she would realize and all would be forgiven. It’s a crap way to be brought up.  But there is more. There are people out there that will accept you. There are even people that will love and respect you believe it or not. And they can come from anywhere. This is a good place to start your journey. There are so many great accepting positive and helpful people here.  Dont be discouraged. Things seem to ebb and flow like the ocean. Sometimes the tide carries in some bad things and gets violent crashing hard on us. But eventually it recedes and the peace and tranquility returns revealing beautiful treasures that the waves have left behind. Hold strong to these tidbits. They can help you through the harder things.  Welcome to our forums Claire. Very nice to meet you.  ❤️K
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Harrietta, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!   It is scary. You not alone anymore now. We are here! Join in the conversation.   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf 🐺🐾
    • Stillbourne
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Claire, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!   I'm sorry to hear of your mom's lack of acceptance. Something you should realise is that she's the one with the problem, not you. And being transgender or gay does not stamp a ticket to hell. You are not a bad person for being trans or gay. And you are a welcomed member here!   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf 🐺🐾  
    • Amy LeBlanc
      That link you shared Kirsten does sound scary.  But with being on hormones for MtF with how my body is changing into what I should have been born as.
    • Kirsten
      Be careful Amy! This second puberty sounds AWFUL!    https://lifestyle.clickhole.com/6-things-everyone-experiences-when-they-go-through-seco-1825123336
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      Hello Fimdir, Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope you and your sister can find the total peace that you deserve.    (I've made the edit that you requested)   MaryEllen
    • Stillbourne
      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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