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Kirsten

My Journey

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Kirsten

When does enough get to be enough!?! 

 

Overall I am quite happy with my transition. For the most part I am pretty lucky. My wife has stayed so far. My kids accept me for me. My company supports my decision from a business standpoint. Most of my friends at least talk to me still. But there are still things that happen pretty regularly outside of all of these things. 

My wife and kids have had a tough time. My friends love me but I don’t think they truly get it. And I deal with harassment in minor ways every day at work as well. Not to mention having to be “on guard” all the time in public. There’s so much anxiety and stress that comes with transition. 

So when is enough enough?! I figured that out with my family. They aren’t part of my life anymore. My wife and kids are in it for the long haul and will always have my back even if it means a tougher road for them too. 

But what about work? When is enough too much? It’s always stupid simple things. The annoying comments I hear from people as I’m walking away poking fun at the fact that I’m trans. People moving my safety cones away from my truck to seemingly try to get me in trouble. People turning and walking a different way to not be near me. People talking to each other and spreading lies and telling stories about how they “reported” me. Or that I’m wearing “inappropriate” clothes. All of this stuff just keeps happening over and over. And I hate it. 

I am sick of being on guard. I am sick of being teased and bullied. I am tired of being scared someone’s gonna get me in trouble at work too. All of this stuff is getting harder every day. 

I feel like I need to say something at work beyond my direct boss. But it’ll come with security, sensitivity training for 100s of people, and possibly someone getting in real trouble possibly even losing a job that they support their family with.

So when? When do I take that step? When do I have to add that responsibility to my list? And after it’s not like it’ll get better. If anyone gets in trouble everyone will be mad at me. Then it’ll be even worse. But I’ve already tried talking to people. I’ve already tried talking to my boss and my union. I’ve done everything I can before going on record and making this a thing and still nothing’s changing. I am sick of being on the verge of tears all day at work. I am tired of having to push my feelings aside to coddle some jerk. I am so over being on guard every day. At least in places that should be safe. But I’m scared to push back too. And it’s only been annoyances so far. Do I deal with the annoyances and wait to see if anything that’s actually bad happens? Or do I try to stop them and possibly make things even worse. 

 

Oh the joys of transition. There’s a good reason this is a last attempt at finding happiness. Cause all the garbage that comes with it is so awful at times. I yearn for a “normal” day. Please give me a normal day. 🙏🏻

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Kirsten

Couple pics from vaca. 😜

Myrtle Beach SC, was very accepting and I saw quite a few other trans people walking the boardwalk while we were there. Although there were a few times when I noticed people grabbing each other and pointing at me. But hey it is what it is and even with that, nobody did or said anything bothersome. AE2646BC-6869-4B05-B771-E1573C0700C7.thumb.jpeg.23fa545529a7e75158ba6389ef26468b.jpegFA18E020-C1AE-4D86-954F-5C9B1817AD53.thumb.jpeg.9fe091e3bf83b91583ad9f9491852103.jpegF591FDF9-C79C-42C8-BE75-0D202021D4F4.thumb.jpeg.0d25453640d35cf39e63e204a745d98d.jpeg1DE53BAE-2AC3-401B-9D91-7180BA180002.thumb.jpeg.83684da20ca1483b2e3b11aed76bc85e.jpegD115DD22-5273-42E7-905F-17B694AD9507.thumb.jpeg.b676c2af95a3ed6333909cf4226e3f57.jpeg12578115-DAF2-4106-AE41-F44C11FC763C.thumb.jpeg.1753d67e291191e3ba37b6c54dde79ad.jpeg

 

My wife is still nervous about me being out and running into trouble, so we didn’t do too much when it came to nightlife. But overall everything was awesome. Cant wait to do another kid free vaca! 

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ToniTone

Fun! Y'all look like you had a happy, relaxing time. Love going to the ocean!

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Kirsten

1A9FBAA2-066A-45BA-B1F7-89B07CD30CF3.jpeg.f8f016215bfe7a7490bc53c7fdb2df99.jpeg

 

Five years ago. And for once I can appreciate how attractive I was as a male. Funny that then I hated myself and thought I was gross. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Kirsten

I just had a meeting with my boss and his boss about some crap that’s happening at work. I have had some discriminatory issues lately. Nothing big or major, but none the less it was time to report everything formally. 

So it started with comments like “hey ...... I have a girl for you. Check her out” and things like that. Or people refusing to use my name. Or trash talk amongst each other sometimes purposely near me to be sure I hear. Plus derogatory things about the lbgtq community as a whole. There has been threats and bragging about reporting me to management and our union for inappropriate clothes, which I don’t wear or do anything inappropriate. And most recently someone’s been moving my safety equipment so as to get me in trouble for not following company policies. 

 

So I reported it all. And it went well. I was offered management if I wanted. I was also offered a new reporting location where I’d be alone. Or even a different tour of duty so that I wouldn’t see my coworkers at the garage. 

 

For it now I told them I just wanted it recorded in case things get worse. I’ll be skipping afternoon crew meetings. And I’ll be the first out every morning meeting as well. Limiting my time should help with the issues. But if not I’ll be gone in a heartbeat. It’s not right to have to work in a hostile environment. And it’s nice to know management agrees and supports me with anything I need. 

 

Overall a very positive meeting. And we are working on creating processes for anyone else that has similar issues in the future. Maybe this will kick start something good with this company. 🤞🏻🙏🏻🤞🏻

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Ellora

Hi! Great job standing up for yourself! That takes courage! You are so correct on many different levels. Your coworkers need to be professional, and focus on their work and lives. That’s great that your work has listened to you and made adjustments. I ho

e it gets better!

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Kirsten

It sure is. Thanks Ellora. 

 

I just found a way to have all of my transition surgeries covered! Ffs, top and bottom!!! I have to wait until October, but at that point I can adjust my medical plan to a different one my employer carries that actually covers all these things! All that’s needed is a letter from the doctor deeming them “medically necessary”!!!! So this October I’ll be scheduling either top or ffs!! That’s my wife’s choice as to which comes first. I don’t care which it is. As long as I can get on a list and start moving forward!! 

Oh my god am I ever freakin happy!! First day exercising again after a 3 week hiatus when everything just got worse and worse. And now it’s right back to AWESOMENESS!! There truly is something to the source energy argument I tell ya. So stoked. 😁😜❤️❤️

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Amy LeBlanc

That is awesome.  Just a heads up that for bottom surgery with Meltzer or Ley in PHX and even if you have the insurance they take, you still have to pay a $2500 deposit that goes towards your surgery and then they will run your insurance and get that taken care of.  If you go with Bower's you have to provide a $1000 deposit which goes towards your surgeries and she works with all the major insurance's out there.  As I learned when I got on Bower's wait list is that you have to pay a deposit and then they will go through your insurance and do up all that stuff and what the deductibles are.   But that is cool for you and finding the loop hole.

 

 

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Kirsten
Just now, Amy LeBlanc said:

That is awesome.  Just a heads up that for bottom surgery with Meltzer or Ley in PHX and even if you have the insurance they take, you still have to pay a $2500 deposit that goes towards your surgery and then they will run your insurance and get that taken care of.  If you go with Bower's you have to provide a $1000 deposit which goes towards your surgeries and she works with all the major insurance's out there.  As I learned when I got on Bower's wait list is that you have to pay a deposit and then they will go through your insurance and do up all that stuff and what the deductibles are.   But that is cool for you and finding the loop hole.

 

 

Thanks Amy. They do take this insurance. (They actually helped me figure this out)  And I am required to pay 345 dollars up front. I’ve already asked. :) total cost for me would be 1815! And if I can squeeze two into the same year the second will be cost free because my deductible will already have been met!! Otherwise it’s 90% covered and after that 1815 out of pocket, it’s fully covered. 

 

I think ffs will be first though. My wife wants to wait and see what happens with my ability to perform in the bedroom. If that disappears, I’ll schedule She’s okay with ffs and top surgery. 

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Susan R
9 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Five years ago. And for once I can appreciate how attractive I was as a male. Funny that then I hated myself and thought I was gross. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Amazing results Kirsten.  I didn't even recognize that as you in the background until looking at the image more closely.  It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it!  You look great!  BTW..Congrats on your 1 year anniversary the other day.

 

Keep on marching forward!

Susan R🌷

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Ellora
5 hours ago, Kirsten said:

It sure is. Thanks Ellora. 

 

I just found a way to have all of my transition surgeries covered! Ffs, top and bottom!!! I have to wait until October, but at that point I can adjust my medical plan to a different one my employer carries that actually covers all these things! All that’s needed is a letter from the doctor deeming them “medically necessary”!!!! So this October I’ll be scheduling either top or ffs!! That’s my wife’s choice as to which comes first. I don’t care which it is. As long as I can get on a list and start moving forward!! 

Oh my god am I ever freakin happy!! First day exercising again after a 3 week hiatus when everything just got worse and worse. And now it’s right back to AWESOMENESS!! There truly is something to the source energy argument I tell ya. So stoked. 😁😜❤️❤️

Yay!!! That is Incredible!!! I am sooooo happy for you!! Thinking positive, even during the tough times can help you get back into balance. A lot to look forward to!!

 

Whatever you pick, You Will Rock it!!!  Yaaaaay!! 😊 🤗 💜

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Alex C

Hey Kristin yeah I post it about the same thing  yesterday but I guess Vicky though it was inappropriate and took it down. Yeah I get super tried of all it as well. Thank God I have my own business, and for the most part my customer accept me for me. But the outside world can be soo daunting. The pointing, laughing, the STARES...I hate those stupid stares ( like no one see you glaring eyes wide open and jar s drop)....I glad you where able to fig it out..Congrats on yr strength of character and strength of conviction...You have a beautiful life...

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Kirsten

Thank you for the kind words Alex. that’s very nice of you to say. 

The stares start to go away eventually. I get about 20% of what I used to nowadays. And I’m still young in my transition. It’s hard to stay patient, trust me I know how hard it is, but it all takes time. And everyone has their own timeline. It’s impossible to really compare. And don’t forget some of those stares could be about something else completely. You just never know. Just do all you can to stay as positive as you can be and everything works out eventually. 

 

Ellora that is so true. I fancy myself pretty positive. But even I get down at times. It’s usually silly things that get me down too. But you just have to keep pumping that positivity. 🙌🏻

 

Lol Susan. I like looking at those photos. It helps me see how much has actually changed. It’s amazing too that I weighed 195 pounds 5 days before that pic was taken (wedding day that’s why I remember) and I’m only 20 pounds lighter now. But I look so different. It really goes to show how hrt moves that weight around quite a bit. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be a year from now. 

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Jani
9 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I just found a way to have all of my transition surgeries covered! Ffs, top and bottom!!!

Great news Kirsten!  Did you think you'd be here one year ago???

 

Jani

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Alex C

Hugs K 

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Kirsten
8 hours ago, Jani said:

Great news Kirsten!  Did you think you'd be here one year ago???

 

Jani

Thanks Jani. I think that’s kind of a tough question. I really didn’t know what to expect. At times I feel like I’m behind where I expected to be. And then at other times I can’t believe how far I have come. 

 

This process truly is the most unique insane weird crazy a$$ thing anyone can go through. Like wow. That’s all I can say. The physical changes. The mental. All of it. It’s so crazy that a couple of pills every day can change so freaking much. Truly amazing. 

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Jani
3 hours ago, Kirsten said:

This process truly is the most unique insane weird crazy a$$ thing anyone can go through. Like wow.

 

But the main question is, are you happy?   I would say yes.  This is all that matters! 

 

Enjoy the ride.  Jani 

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Kirsten

I am Jani. I am truly happy with who I am and where I’m headed. Scary at times though. 

 

Well this week was a pretty big week. But not for the reason I thought. I figured woo hoo a year hrt! Super! What an awesome milestone. But that’s not the big change. 

 

Finally after a year my wife is starting to mourn the loss of her husband. She is very supportive of my transition, but tends to be a bit in and out on if this is going to work. But she’s never really talked about how it is losing that “man”. Losing the solid embrace of my firm overpowering arms. Feeling that sense of security. Losing that masculine connection. And so much more. It really is such an awful and difficult process for our partners. 

 

So so now I get to wait. Wait for her to process. Wait for her to decide what she needs. Wait to see how our relationship comes out of this on the back side. Right now I’m alien to her. She loves me. She wants to be with me. But that doesn’t mean we will end up together either. It only means that she loves me. And sometimes love really isn’t enough. Sometimes we need other things too. 

 

I pray that I am enough. I love her to the moon and back. And I truly hope that we come out of this on the far end ready to take on the world hand in hand side by side crushing everything in our path. Only time knows what happens now. So it’s time to support, understand, and wait. 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️

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Janae
Just now, Kirsten said:

 

 

So so now I get to wait. Wait for her to process. Wait for her to decide what she needs. Wait to see how our relationship comes out of this on the back side. Right now I’m alien to her. She loves me. She wants to be with me. But that doesn’t mean we will end up together either. It only means that she loves me. And sometimes love really isn’t enough. Sometimes we need other things too. 

 

I pray that I am enough. I love her to the moon and back. And I truly hope that we come out of this on the far end ready to take on the world hand in hand side by side crushing everything in our path. Only time knows what happens now. So it’s time to support, understand, and wait. 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️

 

When I came out to my wife it was a similar to what you describe. We are still together, and I take it slow. - but there I days I worry about our future.

You are a strong woman and have a great support network Kirsten.

i’ll say a prayer for you.

 

Hugs

Janae

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Kirsten

Yeah I definitely know that feeling Janae. Thanks. ❤️

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Kirsten

Hope everyone had a great MDW!! I fell out of my healthy food habits this weekend. Tough when you go to 3 cookouts that are serving burgers dogs and pasta salads. Lol. So way too many carbs. Not to mention the fruity rum drinks. 🙄😜. But I’m back on my habits today. Shakes salads and healthy dinners. Got plenty of exercise though so not a total blow up weekend of which I’m sure that I’ll have many this summer. 

 

I got to spend Sunday with a few of my old gfs (literally dated more than one of them too) and it was great! They love me post transition so much. It’s really funny. Got a free massage from one of them. (She is a professional masseuse) and we all drank well into the night. It was one of very few moments so far that I was just one of the girls. I am very lucky to have that opportunity. I’m hoping this means more time with them. I just feel like I fit in so well. 

 

I have also also decided to accept that I pass now. No makeup. Hair in a messy bun. Dirty. Even in guys clothes. Nobody except people that know me see a guy anymore. I may not have really found my style yet, but I’ve found that girl in there. Honestly I still have trouble believing this, but it keeps getting proven over and over. And I am sick of outing myself to strangers. So no more. I pass and that’s that. Now to work on being prettier. Lolol. Jk 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Marriage is still a work in progress. Anyone’s guess as to what happens there is as good as mine. There’s just no telling yet. But 🤞🏻🤞🏻  We definitely love each other. But we are both missing things we may or may not need to be happy with one another. And that’s okay. 

 

The kids have been STELLAR! They’re both in such great moods most days. They both have been eating well, listening, doing school work, chores and all that stuff. And they are starting to call me mummy Kay now. Safer for the world I think. And once again I don’t want to keep outing myself. It’s really sucks.  Lolol. When people used to ask who I was for them I would say “used to be dad”. But no more. Now I’m “other mom”. And I’ll stick with that unless they need more clarity for something important. 

 

 

So today i shift some extra time towards my fitness and nutrition career. I’m really hoping to start making solid steps forward there. My hope is to be able to pay for my transition with that job. But I haven’t made any money yet. I’ve just done a lot of work.  Haha. But whatevs. I like it and it’s fun so as far as work goes, this is pretty sweet work imho. 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Anyways, have a great week y’all! 

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DeeDee
Just now, Kirsten said:

they are starting to call me mummy Kay now

Aww 🤗🤗🤗 That is really sweet to see. 😊

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Kirsten
Just now, DeeDee said:

Aww 🤗🤗🤗 That is really sweet to see. 😊

Dee, when the lil guy calls me mumma  Kay I literally melt. It’s the only one of those male/female things that’s really hit me at all so far. Yes the ma’am an she’s and all that are awesome. And validating. But nothing like this. 

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DeeDee

Kirsten - It genuinely gives me hope xxx   Thank you so much for sharing this. 😁

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Susan R
16 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

...when the lil guy calls me mumma  Kay I literally melt.

Absolutely priceless! Kirsten.  You can't buy that kind of acceptance anywhere.  Children are so accepting if brought up right.

 

One of my daughter's and her family spent the holiday with us and the grandkids asked me what they should call me now.  I didn't have an answer ready but the oldest one said they'll come up with something besides just 'Susan'.  I sure love those grandkids.  The little 8 year old gave me the biggest longest hug on the way out.  This is the same child that cried early last month when his parents told him about my transition.  They just want connection and love...that's all really

 

i love to read stories like yours, Kirsten.  I'm sure you'll enjoy many more.  Thanks so much for sharing them with us! 

 

Susan R🌷

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      My light hearted (but sincere) comment earlier aside, I agree with alot of folks said here. It pronouns might be interpreted as depricating. I'd use some discretion if you choose to use them.    Sometimes I don't feel like a human, like I'm an alien or something. I get extra anxious when the subject becomes gendered. In moments of dysphoria, I've self-depricatingly referred to myself as an it or a (hairy) swamp thing... 
    • RACHEL GIA
      In regards to the physical aspect, my experience has been atypical or aka what was described in the HRT FAQ sheets I was provided and what was described by my doctor during the process of 'informed consent'. My breasts got large enough that I am happy with them but not too big. The tissue is real and I am still getting used to making sure they don't get whacked by an open fridge door. I experienced weight gain in hips, thighs, and tummy and the face softened. I looked at three consecutive years of my busking licenses and in the most recent I noticed the changes. As far as preference, I don't really know but to answer one aspect of the topic, I have always thought that for me, being seductive, seducing or even fitting into a role of being protected or allowed to be more congruent with my inner gender is something I could fall into and feel comfortable and that might be ultimately easier to experience in a traditional relationship as per either a trans man or a cis dude.      
    • Ellora
      If you would like a favorably response, then honesty would be best. If you do things that will knowingly “get you caught,” then you might not get as good as response, if that’s what you want. If this has happened a couple of times, there is a chance they know, and are waiting for you to say something. Have they ever talked about anything that has anything to do with CD and or LGBTQ topics? If so responses? This might give you an idea. How close are you to them? Do you have anyone else in the family, or is close to your family that you can talk to, that might be able to give you some insight? A forced response might not be the best approach. Best of luck! 
    • Ellora
      If people use their pronouns without ill intent, then I would rather use this as an opportunity to educate/inform others for a more positive reinforcement. But with anyone, being outright rude, and or, in a bigoted way, then there is no excuse. Most mature adults know the difference. Unfortunately, there will always be some people out there that do not care. 
    • Park
      Well how would i go about it i mean my brother is way weirder he wears diapers but they already caught him and and he insisted he be aloud to do it should i wait to get caught or just tell them im also afraid of my freinds grandparents and what they might say if in theory i did come out bi or trans
    • Ellora
      Depending on the tea, I would have a better idea of the proper biscuit 😊.  The sun came out for my friend in the east county, as it usually does, but not at the coast at the Del Mar Fair. That wasn’t so bad, until a bit later after the breeze kicked in and we didn’t have jackets ready. We all had a great time tho. Tomorrow will probably be cloudy on the coast again 🙄
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