Spouse of transitioning partner support forum

[jae bear]

The more that I talk with my wife the more I realize there is simply no support for spouses of partners in transition. The best my wife can find are really quite terrible articles written in a very negative point of view or even at best, angry and disgruntled or disillusioned points of view... I’m not saying that some of these points aren’t valid, or that the authors don’t have valid feelings, as I believe that they most certainly do, however this really is not support it is simply someone else’s point of view and not a guide to happiness or a guide to possible co-existence with your partner in transition... I reached out to my doctors to see if there is a support group for her, or at least some referrals to a therapist for her, as I do believe she desperately needs one. I hate to say it but I think our spouses take an aweful lot of abuse from others who don’t understand that they also have a valid viewpoint when they are upset with the choice their partner has made, not that I wanna ruffle any feathers here, but I do understand her point of view. It absolutely kills me when she cries, all I want to do is hug her and hold her tight and tell her it’s Going to be OK and that I love her, but honestly that’s coming from me and in her view a bit of the source of the problem. I don’t think there are group meetings at Kaiser where I go in the bay area for spouses of partners in transition however I have asked and maybe I will get some references. I do also understand her fears, that a therapist will be so Pro trans that she’ll be feeling as if she’s a bad actor should she say something negative about my transition, Or that in someway she’s seen as being terribly unsupportive and is just a bad person. Honestly I think any decent therapist would do a good job, whether they are Pro trans or have no experience whatsoever, since their main purpose is to guide the patient to self understanding, self questioning, and a guide in the process of healing, all of these things are important and unless the therapist was extremely anti-trans I couldn’t see the harm in it. I am extremely worried that my wife simply has no support, her friends don’t know, her family doesn’t know, she has no outside support group that understands her, and she does not have a therapist. And I have to admit I’ve been making this all about me, and pretty much all the time, I’m going to admit that yes I’m very excited about the whole thing, as I’ve been waiting almost all my life, but at the same time I’m taking her with me on this journey and I need not to slam her through the rocks bumps and valleys of the process behind me on a chain, that simply would be harmful To her personally and should never have been expected by me, but why am I only seeing this now? Has anyone here heard of support other than say another forum, as she is not interested in involving herself In a forum. One would think that being in the California Northern Bay area, a hotbed of this particular activity, that there would be more support for her in general or at all, but at the moment I can’t find anything and neither can she.  If anyone can shed light on this and possibly recommend something for her I am all ears... 

Hugs,

Jae

Edited April 25, 2018 by CyndiRae
fixed typo in topic title - C

[SugarMagnolia]

HI Jae,

I found this list of Kaiser resources. There's one named "BRIDGES: A Support Group for Partners of Transgender and Gender Nonconforming People". It meets twice a month and might be helpful.
https://thrive.kaiserpermanente.org/care-near-you/northern-california/eastbay/departments/transgender-care/support-groups/

Is there a PFLAG group near you? There's one up here in Auburn that I've been to which is REALLY fantastic. A therapist would be ideal, but perhaps this could provide some support until that's lined up? 

This is a list of all the PFLAG groups in California. Could be worth a look at least? 
https://www.pflag.org/find-a-chapter?field_geofield_distance%5Borigin%5D%5Bzipcode%5D=&field_geofield_distance%5Borigin%5D%5Bcity%5D=&field_geofield_distance%5Borigin%5D%5Bstate%5D=CA&field_geofield_distance%5Bdistance%5D=50&field_geofield_distance%5Bunit%5D=3959&sort_by=score&items_per_page=20

[VickySGV]

I don't have a name at the minute, but the Episcopal Diocese of California up there has an LGBT ministry group that actually has a clergy person who is trans, and her wife who are involved and have groups meeting in churches up there for spouses of of Trans folk.  Go directly to a couple of the LGBT centers up there. Here is one in San Rafael https://www.lgbtcenters.org/LGBTCenters/Center/6535/The-Spahr-Center  and one in Concord https://www.lgbtcenters.org/LGBTCenters/Center/6517/Rainbow-Community-Center-of-Contra-Costa-County   There are a couple more in the area and you can find them on the main site of the reference I have linked there.

 

For a couple of books that I would highly recommend -- Jennifer Finney Boylan's books about her family.  She's Not There, and Stuck In The Middle With You, which is about her wife and family.. Books by Helen Boyd My Wife Betty, and She Is Not The Man I Married. Also the classic True Selves, by Mildred Brown PhD. All of them have very positive, but sensitive information for spouses. 

[VickySGV]

Just now, VickySGV said:

For a couple of books that I would highly recommend -- Jennifer Finney Boylan's books about her family.  She's Not There, and Stuck In The Middle With You, which is about her wife and family.. Books by Helen Boyd My Wife Betty, and She Is Not The Man I Married. Also the classic True Selves, by Mildred Brown PhD. All of them have very positive, but sensitive information for spouses. 

 

I actually have these books in my personal library  BTW.  I know they are good.

[Timber Wolf]

I am glad to hear that there is something out there at least. But there really should be more. It's just common sense. Spouses of trams people are put under tremendous pressure and need support. I can't really say any more on that. But if she ever does decide to try forums, we do have a forum for family and friends of transgender.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[jae bear]

This is all fantastic information, I don’t know why my Kaiser therapist didn’t tell me about bridges, but maybe he will on the text that he will send me on KP.org. I do plan on looking into some local churches and if we don’t find the support we need at the local Elka Lutheran then I will definitely check out the Northern Bay area Episcopal church that is LGBTQ friendly. We are not too far from the Billy DeFrank center, Maybe they have a PFLAG meeting group there, I guess I could check their website.  Unfortunately getting her to go to these things even if I recommend them is becoming increasingly difficult, it’s not that she’s resisting me, but the simple fact that I’m providing the information meets some mental resistance on the basis that the information is coming for me and she knows it’s going to be incredibly trans positive. I really want to see her get help, as much as I love her and want to shower her with the love that I have to give , right now she needs something else, I really wish she had some friends that she could talk with ,  she hasn’t Told any of her friends because all of them to go to our church and of course it would get around immediately and cause trouble. I told her that I would be perfectly comfortable seeing her friends and telling them myself, I really think that would cause a great deal of sympathy for my wife, then again I really don’t know and I don’t want to be directly the link to her losing friends. I completely understand her trepidation in having me do that but I would gladly do that for her if it opened an avenue to her friends understanding. We do have one friend of a family member who would completely understand but is a little standoffish, and even if she did tell this family friend and gossip started it would only be within my immediate family, to people I want to tell anyway... I just don’t see my wife reaching out in that direction. I’m going to order the books that were mentioned, thank you for those references, and leave them on her nightstand, she can read them or toss them in the drawer and forget them. Maybe she will pick them up and read them, my wonderful little bunny is an avid reader and devours any information she can find, which I’m sure is why she’s so intelligent, I don’t know if she’s literally a genius level intellect but if she is not she is right at the edge. I guess I can say she is certainly smarter than I am, it’s not that I’m dumb, or a slouch in any manner, as I think on my feet and do some fairly complicated technical work, but her Intellect is higher than anyone I’ve ever met before and I work with all of the bay area top tech people and engineers on a daily basis, believe me, those people are darn smart. I think I really need to work on not overloading her with all of my things, I just need to find a way to back off, however I do so greatly want her approval and I keep thinking I’ll mention something and she’ll be happy about it... I need to stop deluding myself and come to the reality that this is not fun for her...

Hugs,

Jae

[ChickenLittle]

I know my partner had trouble finding ANYTHING positive online that matched our situation (him being a male partner of an ftm) and that had him feeling anxious about things at first, like we were venturing into uncharted territory. We're in the Bay Area too, Oakland to be precise! I'll ask him if he was ever able to find any resources for partners around here. If he doesn't know of any, I wonder if he would be open to chatting with her? 

[SandraG]

OMG, Jae, once again you end up making my post before I can! ?

This is also a problem for my wife, and a frequent source of stress. The loneliness, the difficulty finding help, the common "get out now" refrain... none of it is actually that helpful for anything but easing the breakup - which is far from a guarantee! Sure, it takes work, but what marriage doesn't?! ?‍❤️‍?

 

1 hour ago, ChickenLittle said:

I know my partner had trouble finding ANYTHING positive online that matched our situation (him being a male partner of an ftm)

 

My wife and I were talking about this earlier today, and... yeah, that seems to be rare. Doesn't mean that there's anything saying it can't work out, but... I can understand why he's anxious. Still, a relationship is as strong as the love and work that you put into it.
 

2 hours ago, jae bear said:

I think I really need to work on not overloading her with all of my things, I just need to find a way to back off,

 

That's really the hardest part, isn't it? Last week I had a breakdown while at work, which helped me understand a bit of what she's going through. I wrote this just after:

 

"I remember going to the bathroom, but the stall being occupied so I had to stand for the first time in… months. It felt so humiliating, I was barely able to keep myself from crying. Then, when I was washing my hands, I was looking at my face, and instead of looking forward to how it would change, what would be different about it, I wondered what parts would be gone, what would be missing… a wake for my nose cartilage and Adam’s apple, almost, but smelling like sour pee and cheap hand soap, and the only refreshment a lukewarm, half-flat Monster.

 

I was an absolute wreck, and I knew that, in a lot of ways, this is how my wife feels when she thinks about my transition. When I shaved my beard, she was devastated, even though we had discussed it before (my timing wasn’t great, either, but… yeah), because I’d always had a beard whenever I could, it was part of her mental picture of me. She says she’s going to miss my voice as well (once again, I’m not, really), and that’s why I don’t do voice work around her yet – I’ll get the really bad squeaks and croaks out in private first! I can understand that, I could feel a little bit of what she was going through… but that night, as I was walking out of the bathroom, I finally felt like I could feel some of what she still sometimes feels, and what she’s going to be fighting with for the next few years. "

That's hard for us to remember, since our transition is a very freeing, warming, welcoming experience (internally, at least), but for our partners...

[Kirsten]

Awe Jae, I am so sorry for you. I know all so well how hard this all is especially for our partners. I wish I had some good advice for you. But my wife is in a similar spot. I try to keep my transition as quiet as I can for her at this point. It’s real hard but this is a difficult thing for everyone. And everyone needs time and space. I hope you find some helpful resources. 

[jae bear]

Well, at the moment I think our lives have intervened to allow her mind some quiet time. She has a medical conference to attend in Houston for the next few days, and I dropped her off at the airport earlier this afternoon, I couldn’t stop hugging and kissing her, kind of made a scene there at the airport and a few people were staring, I wasn’t letting her go until I got four days worth of hugs and kisses out of that little bunny. I’ve texted her a few times and she’s in the air right now headed for Phoenix,   I can’t seem to  get my mind off of her, how is it that I already miss her after just two hours? The good news is my 12-year-old daughter and I will have plenty of time to bond, have fun, goof around and be silly while she is gone, but both of us will be checking in so often we will probably be blowing up her phone the whole time, that is of course until her battery goes flat and she finally get some peace from her needy family. Oh yeah, did I mention I am super super super needy, I know that sounds stupid, or maybe just silly, that’s part of the problem she faces is that I just won’t shut up about things, including all the exciting parts of my transition. Of course that statement needs to be qualified with the exciting parts for me are horrifying for her. I read a lot of the things that Sandra has been going through, it seems that she and I share some cosmic bond for some reason, the more I read her posts  The more I think she should write a book so I could read the whole thing, of course it hasn’t concluded yet and has many chapters yet to go, but her writing is so amazing and she’s so intelligent and Articulate I would plunk down my hard-earned cash at a bookstore just to get a copy. Hint, hint, hint, hey Sandra write that book. I have really tried to work on my ability to empathize, I don’t think I’ve been terribly good at it most of my life, but I find I need to see if I can improve this ability in myself as I have noticed most women are incredibly empathetic. I’ve been trying to imagine what this would be like if the situation were turned around, and sometimes I struggle with the concept and sometimes I get it for just a moment or two, I really would not leave her if she decided she wanted to be FTM, but since I have no interest in men it would be a really weird thing to stay with her, And of course sex would be rather interesting, but honestly I’m would be open to whatever she was into as we always have been together in our marriage. I’m not really sure how I would feel and that’s why I worry... I just don’t have the skills of empathy that others do, I can’t really nail down the feeling, but just once in a while I get a tiny little glimmer of what I think it feels like, unfortunately those feelings are so fleeting I can’t really figure them out. Maybe if I just keep trying it’ll come to me, but unfortunately I could use this skill sooner rather than later as my wife is really counting on me...

Hugs,

Jae

[tracy_j]

It's good that you have some time apart Jae. It will be good for you both, to sit back a bit and take a breath. Make the most of it with your daughter, who will be sensing some of the tension. A time to relax will help you all.

 

Take care

 

Tracy x

 

[SandraG]

11 hours ago, jae bear said:

Hint, hint, hint, hey Sandra write that book.

 

Lol Jae... I know how much work that is! I may end up starting a blog, but I know how much work that is - my current one is two months behind schedule AT LEAST, and I've got friends bugging me about the YT channel too. The only thing I've actually brought (maybe) enough info together on to write a book on is nuclear-powered spacecraft!

 

11 hours ago, jae bear said:

Well, at the moment I think our lives have intervened to allow her mind some quiet time.

 

One of the worst and best things about being married to a wildlife biologist that does remote field work is that you get literally weeks of alone time in the spring and summer. She left 5 days ago, may come back at the end of next week for a couple days, then out again. Except for me going down to see her, we only get a day or two every two weeks until August.

It's worse than ever this year. I don't know that the apartment has ever felt so... desolate (can't say empty, because I've been lazy cleaning?). At the same time, it's letting me clean, work on the blog, focus on my transition, and try and get my work situation sorted out, so there are SOME benefits. While I'd like it to be shorter, there'll be a part of me that misses it if she gets a job with local field work: as much as I love and miss her, our having significant time apart has made it easier for us to deal with some of the longer term, low grade, frustration-causing issues that all to often become a big explosion (usually because I'm still learning to keep my yap shut, too!!? ) - instead, we're able to not have those constant irritations reinforced by living together, take a step back, and reassess within ourselves what we can do to make the situation better. 

 

11 hours ago, jae bear said:

I just don’t have the skills of empathy that others do, I can’t really nail down the feeling, but just once in a while I get a tiny little glimmer of what I think it feels like, unfortunately those feelings are so fleeting I can’t really figure them out.

 

This is one of those things that really changed for me at my epiphany (as I call it, when I finally had my gender identity "click"), but is still far from where it should be. One of my blind hopes for HRT is that it will help this, but a lot has already happened to open me up more, emotionally. I suspect a part of it for me is that I'm a bit of an Aspie, and that's a common problem.

 (which reminds me: https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/why-are-a-disproportionate-number-of-autistic-youth-transgender.html if anyone's interested, I may start up a new thread.) Being able to not constantly mask myself opened me up considerably emotionally, but... when I go back into "boy mode," it's like putting that constricting, slimy, disgusting shell back on myself. My emotional availability pretty much disappears, because it feels like I need more and more of my psychological and emotional energy just to put one foot in front of the other (with a bit of hip sway, TBF). I'm not sure if this is something that you run into, Jae?

That being said, especially with her gone this week, maybe try and meditate? Put yourself in her shoes (well, not like that's weird anymore for you, but you know what I mean! ?), think about the descriptions that she's given of how she feels... maybe try some sleep deprivation over the top to help break down emotional barriers?

You've got this, Jae! It's hard, it's scary, and in a lot of ways this is the only time that we have the easier time of our transition than anyone else in our lives. As long as we don't forget that, as long as we love, support, and respect our partners, and as long as we can keep the conversation going, then there's hope.

 

HUGS

Sandra

P.S. One of the most strangely hopeful things I think I'd heard in my transition so far was "well, if somehow we end up not being married, expect me to move into the house next door as your BFF and we'll double date together!" Not what we want, but... there's always questions about sexual attraction, esp. early in the transition.

[jae bear]

5 hours ago, SandraG said:

I need more and more of my psychological and emotional energy just to put one foot in front of the other (with a bit of hip sway, TBF). I'm not sure if this is something that you run into, Jae?

.

.

"well, if somehow we end up not being married, expect me to move into the house next door as your BFF

.

Oh dear Sandra, get out of my head, more and more you reinforce the fact that we are way too similar, although I do wish I was as young as you are.?  I have been trying to improve my posture, it’s quite bad from years of low self-esteem and poor habits, and I find that I don’t have quite the sway I would like, but do I tend to lead my hips into each step which is more of a turn turn, rather than a sway sway, but ultimately it works for me so I’ve been guilty of that cadence quite often. I’ve been doing quite a bit of people watching at the mall, all the girls in the age range I identify with don’t sway their hips that much at all, although sometimes they do and it has more to do with an adjusted cadence to match their wider hips and bigger frames as I’m typically watching the big girls. Then again I need to go and watch more of my own body type and size to get a better idea of the body movements and cadence for women in my age range and body type. It is also great for getting every day dressing tips for the type of woman I want to be, I really have no intent on glamour, just blending in and being one of the girls, I guess I’d rather be on the mommy spectrum than on the hottie spectrum... It really is very hard for me to stand or sit up straight the way I would like to, it certainly would be better for my girlish figure if I did, oddly enough it makes my lower back hurt when I do this too much, I’m just gonna have to keep trying until my spine readjusts and I actually have proper posture once again.

.

This morning when I woke up I realized my wife was not in the bed and it made me very sad, my little Bunny wasn’t there keeping her side of the bed warm, luckily it didn’t make me cry but I certainly felt like it could’ve happened if I thought about it too much... As soon as I find the remote control to our sleep number bed, I’m going to cuddle up in her spot and BingeWatch Star Trek discovery  later this evening after I finish helping my daughter with her homework.

.

Oddly enough Sandra, I have thought much the same about my future with my wife, I very much would like to be her BFF, although I really shouldn’t wish to supplant her actual BFF who is also a friend of mine, I think I would be perfectly satisfied as an occasional third wheel. While I do want a fantastic friendship with my wife, in a rather different way than we are now, I just don’t think I could let her loose to date others, as the big old lesbian in me wants her in my bed as I adore my little frisky play time Bunny when she’s in the mood. I will say that there are some weird differences that come with HRT, I still know I am not attracted to men in anyway, but for an odd moment or two I get the thought that I would like to be attractive and noticed by a man, but what would be the point? Maybe I’m just seeking some validation and that would be a common benchmark, but if I were approached and complemented I would most likely slap them down with a harsh remark, why am I such a bitch?

Hugs,

Jae