Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Are these common thoughts? Or is it just me...


TiaMaria

Recommended Posts

Hey everyone. I had a few things I wanted to ask tonight…

So, in the past I came to terms with the idea that I am probably trans. I’m pretty sure I am. I know I want to transition, or at least try it.

The thing I keep getting stuck on is trying to find the right time to start transition. I tried planning for it and waiting for the right time, but that time just keeps changing.  I’ve been thinking that when I transition, I want to move somewhere no one knows me and I can start over. Hopefully somewhere in Florida or California. But I hear that it is WAY too expensive to live in California and that there are parts of Florida are not very trans-friendly. Also, I just don’t know anyone out there.

Another thing is that I can’t come to grips with some things about transition. For me personally, I can’t really see myself as real. Not a real woman. Not really Transgender. It just doesn’t feel right; it just feels like I’m faking. I keep hearing all around how cis women feel threatened by Trans women because they feel like transwomen are just trying to take away their spaces or downplay their experiences or something. In a weird way, I understand why they feel that way though. I don’t want to do that, I’m not trying to take away anything from them. I’m just trying to live authentically. I understand that women still face a lot of marginalization and have to deal with sexism in their everyday lives, and for a male to say that they are female does downplay their experiences to an ideal… if that makes sense.

I also can’t see a long-term future as a girl. I have spent years of my life picturing my life later on in terms of a guy. When I see my future, I still didn’t like being a guy, but I did want to see myself as a father. When I think of father, I think of protective person, which is what I want to be. I’ve had this life planned out, and I feel that once I transition, it’s like closing the door on this life. And as a girl, I’m not sure if I can see a long-term plan for life.

I also keep thinking about a question I found: If I told you that you weren't Trans would that upset you or give you relief? When I ask myself this question, I just get a half-half answer. I get upset, because I would really like to transition and try to see how things would go, if that makes sense. I would also get a sense of relief, because I won’t have to change my entire life in order to adjust to this big change.

I don’t know, my thoughts are just kind of everywhere right now and I just wanted to see what you all thought.  I'd really appreciate any advice. Thanks!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi TiaMaria.  I don't know what you're looking for in a new state but Oregon and Washington might be two to look into.  

 

Regarding the feeling of faking it, I think that's something we all go through for a time.  I had those feelings and they eventually pass.  Once you finally commit to it, ie determining transition is the right thing for you, as opposed to "trying it out" you will come around and feel real.  Admittedly for me the hardest time I had was when I was in-between, swapping my presentation.  It confused my head.  As to thoughts of being a real woman or not, you have to believe in yourself.  I understand about the marginalization and discrimination and I believe it is real, but I transitioned to be me and I will fight those things if I need to the best of my ability.  

17 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

I also can’t see a long-term future as a girl.

Well, maybe transition isn't for you.  If you have dreams that are important, that mean you remain a guy, that's OK too.  You don't need to life fully as a woman.  You do need to seek a balance between the masculine and feminine that meets your needs.  If you are generally happy in your male role but feel you need more female influence, then add some.  There is no need to be a stereotypical macho-guy.  You can be masculine and soft and caring and anything you desire.  You don't have to close the door on anything.  Live the life you want to live.   I assume your relatively young so there is time to make choices and change what doesn't work for you.  When and if you meet someone and want to start a family you'll be a good caring partner and father.  Its like a Chinese restaurant menu where you get to pick what you want to make the best dinner for yourself.  

 

Your question about being transgender is not simple as each of us have reasons and varying levels of discomfort and/or dysphoria.  

 

Questioning is good and a valid thing to do.  

 

Jani

Link to comment

@TiaMaria Are you asking if we think you should transition???  That's a hard question for any of us to answer because we don't have all the information.  Only you do.  However, I will say (with hesitation) judging by what you've wrote, you don't seem like someone who'd be happy after transition.  It's not an outfit that you can toss out without consequence if you don't like it and there's a lot of things you said without much conviction, that makes me think you aren't very sure yet.  My advise for anyone with gender identity questions has always been to NOT transition unless you MUST transition.  It should be your last resort.  I also think there are those who WANT to be the opposite gender and there are those who know themselves to BE the "opposite" gender.  Unless you're one of the latter, I think there is a very high likelihood that you'll regret transition.

 

What if, instead of transition, you try some easily reversible things?  You could shave body hair, grow you hair out, trim your eyebrows, try little bits of makeup, pierce your ears, dress androgynously or even feminine, try a new name, ask for different pronouns, paint your nails and so on.  If those things make you feel better, maybe you should consult with a gender therapist.  If that goes well, you might try hormone replacement.  ...Some of the best advice I got during transition was, "don't overshoot your target", meaning do as little as you can to feel better.  With each step you take, you'll know whether or not it's right for you.  Start with the things that can be undone and move slowly to the things that are irreversible.  I wish you the best and peace of mind no matter what you choose to do. 
 

Link to comment

 When I first started about transitioning I saw a lot of things I felt like I could relate too, but I was also having a hard time picturing myself living a new life. When it came to planning for transition I always told myself that I would medically transition and them socially do so as I've felt comfortable. There's no for sure way you have to transition. Do what feels comfortable if you decide it's something you want to tackle. At almost a year on HRT, I've been brave enough to tell the majority of my family and friends, but I'm still not full time. If anything right now I gender bend. You don't have to jump right on in. I think it's okay to get you feet wet, and sit for awhile before hand.

 

 The experiences of Cis and Trans people are different. I think trying to compare the two, or say that one is mightier than the other is... well it's not black and white. A trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man. They just grew up differently that the typical up comings of their Cis counter parts. There are Cis people who feel uncomfortable around Trans people, whatever their reasoning, but the talking point you use about woman and woman spaces is usually dialogue from TERF (Trans exclusionary radical feminists) and they're definitely not the majority when it comes to their ideals, and I don't think their ideals should influence how you chose to live.

 

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. Consider you might be non-binary or gender nonconforming. There's no rush. There's tons of things to learn here and elsewhere on the WWW. I hope you're able to find what works best for you. 

-Valyn

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
20 minutes ago, DenimAndLace said:

do as little as you can to feel better.

 

17 minutes ago, JBfox said:

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself.

 

Two bits of good advice! 

 

Jani

Link to comment

Hi Tia.

It really seems like you still have a lot of thinking to do before making any sort of decision about this one way or the other. You still have so many excuses as to why not to transition. That for me is a sign that you aren’t ready. You have much more to explore. 

For me transitioning isn’t something to try. I’ve gotten to where I am by trying all the other options. Literally all of them. And more than once. There came a point for me when I just didn’t want to fight that fight anymore. And I realized I am just me. And that’s awesome! That’s when I knew. 

Let it come to you. Don’t rush it. It’s a crazy process. One that I used to hate. But honestly, the longer I’m on this tilt a whirl the more I think I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Kirsten

 

Link to comment

Hi Tia,

Have you considered Talking to a gender therapist? I found that being able to talk to someone that understands and is not judgmental was a turning point in my transition. You do need to do a lot of soul searching before you decide which way you want to go. 

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

Don’t rush it. It’s a crazy process.

I agree, understanding who you are and trying to sort through all the emotions can be a lengthy process. You are not in a race. but a marathon. Do take your time and I wish you the best of luck.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

Link to comment
2 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

You do need to do a lot of soul searching before you decide which way you want to go. 

 

I whole heartily agree with this that it takes a lot of soul searching. It does also help to talk to someone who won't judge and give reliable advice to help you along. Before I came out to my now ex-wife I did lots of soul searching and talked to a counselor able my issues. She was not a gender therapist but someone I was comfortable with to talk about it. That was back in 2012 and I have been taking it slowly to proceed. 

 

Laura Beth 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Tia,

 

I agree with the advice given above. If you are unsure then speak to a gender therapist. Beware of general reporting in the press.  The vast majority of cis women who I come across do not feel threatened by trans people. Some of my best friends are now women. They are helpful and friendly. Male friends are trickier, but casual friendship still works.

 

From your perspective, I probably live in the area that you are worrying about. More generally non-binary than fully transexual. So much so that I seldom use the term 'transexual' outside of this forum, and then only as a term that most people would understand if they are questioning. It is tricky to live in the void, but can work, so don't fear that if you start to transition there is an endpoint of fully female. I am not a man. I am not fully a woman either. I am essentially both, as I am a father as well as a mother. Daily living is something that needs careful thought as it is easier to be accepted as either fully male or fully female. That said I wear fully female clothes almost all of the time, and am accepted as female by some and male by others (generally people I have known from wayback). A lot depends on where you live, how safe it is etc. but it can and does seem to work. It just takes confidence, and a friendly approach.

 

Take things slowly and get to know yourself. We all have fears, and even so cis men and women worry about how real they really are.

 

Tracy

Link to comment

Hey everyone. Sorry it’s been a few days. Thank you for all your earlier replies, but I did have some follow up questions for you:

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:19 PM, DenimAndLace said:

My advise for anyone with gender identity questions has always been to NOT transition unless you MUST transition.  It should be your last resort.  I also think there are those who WANT to be the opposite gender and there are those who know themselves to BE the "opposite" gender.  Unless you're one of the latter, I think there is a very high likelihood that you'll regret transition.

 

I understand what you are saying. To be honest, it feels like I am getting painfully close to the point of “MUST Transition”. I don’t want it to get any closer to that point. And also, how am I gonna know if transition is right for me unless I try to transition?

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:01 PM, Jani said:

If you have dreams that are important, that mean you remain a guy, that's OK too.

 

As for this point, I could have used my words differently. I wouldn’t say being a father is a dream, but it would be something nice to experience. I always see how good relationships can be between a father and daughter, and I wanted to be that person for somebody, if that makes sense. In actuality though, I don’t know if that’ll happen the way I see it in my head. I honestly don’t have many other thought as far as parenthood and I never really took much of an interest in it. I’m not really the best with children. I also think about it a lot in relation to something like this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/8i2ouo/anyone_else_had_an_imaginary_girlfriend_or/

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:23 PM, JBfox said:

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. Consider you might be non-binary or gender nonconforming. There's no rush.

 

I thought about it a lot, and I may be something closer to this. I’d hope to get to a point where I could see myself as a woman all the time, but when I see myself now, all I see is a guy. I guess I’m still a WIP.

Also, whenever I think about not transitioning, I think of this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/88t6sg/some_tips_from_a_58_years_old_dying_trans_woman/

Thank You again for any more advice or anything.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Like I and others have said you have to weigh the pluses and minuses with your true desire to transition.  We can all see reasons to remain as we are but does it make good sense?  That is the question.  A good line I heard early on was "Which pain is worse?"  What do you want from life?  Each direction has its headaches and joys.

 

Jani

Link to comment

Hi Tia,

 

I think I don't have much to contribute that others haven't already said, but I'll still try to put it in my own words, coming from someone who is very new to all this.

 

It's really not about what you hope or want - it's about what you are, in all honesty. Being honest to yourself is not easy. When it comes to what I would like to be - that's terribly easy: a straight cis person, no matter if man or woman, because that would be so much easier. But I'm an asexual non-binary person instead. The asexual part I understand and appreciate by now, but gender is really new to me. On the one hand I'm happy that I've made the first step in being more like my true self, but on the other hand I'd rather do other things than thinking about this, if only I could. I've been doing some serious work over the past few months to figure myself out more, and I'm convinced there's much, much more to do.

 

There are lots of things you can do to get an idea of transitioning without actually doing it. I've been wearing women's clothes, mostly at home, but some less obvious ones also outside. I've tried what it feels like to walk around with clear nail varnish, tried to get an idea if people notice this kind of thing and if so, how they react. I've even bought breast forms to find out what they feel like. Some of these things are fun, others quite frankly scary. But I want to follow through, because I can't see how I should ever fully understand myself without doing this serious work.

 

Hope this helps or at least gives you some food for thought.

 

Terry

Link to comment

Hi Tia, just to add my thoughts on this:

 

1. As others noted, be honest with yourself.

2. Transition is not the same for everyone, it does not always end in HRT or SRS. Do what you need to do, don't do anything just because somebody else did it or it is what is expected. 

3. Take your time. This is not a race, there is no rush.

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 113 Guests (See full list)

    • Braxton9312
    • Petra Jane
    • CDORDaddy72
    • Betty K
    • Astrid
    • MaryEllen
    • awkward-yet-sweet
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...