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I screwed up everything


jae bear

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 I’ve made a mess of my life, I can’t think of a worse possible outcome. I made a Horrible mistake. I cannot undo this mistake, I cannot correct it or reel it back in. I cannot blame my wife or anyone else, this is entirely my fault and I can’t find a way out. I really honestly never meant to hurt anyone, I just wanted to save my family. It’s so hard to know when you are to blame to even be able to wash your hands near a mirror, And I’m sorry if my post is rambly and I full of errors,  I just can’t hold it together right now. 

 

I had discussed my worries about my daughter with my therapist on Wednesday and he was concerned that waiting too long to tell her would be hurtful to her as she might internalize it and feel like the problems between my wife and myself were somehow her fault.  I talked with my wife to explain that I thought we should do whatever it took to take care of her and make sure that I wasn’t hurting her. We both agreed she needed a therapist as soon as possible so we could ease her into something that would affect her life greatly.  My daughter had just been enrolled in new medical insurance so we needed to see her doctor to get a referral, I managed to get an appointment right away because someone had canceled, otherwise it would take a month and a half Just for someone to see her to get the referral to a therapist. My wife had given me some written instructions to give to the doctor and I printed them out as tried to quickly finish up my day at work and get over to the doctors office as quickly as I could so we would not be late. The doctor saw my daughter quickly and she had a physical while I filled out all the paperwork, and everything went quite well. My wife and I were worried about some learning disabilities and of course the hard facts that she was going to have to face about me when we decided to tell her, so I needed to talk to the doctor privately and I asked my daughter to wait in the waiting room. She was upset that she did not have her cell phone to play with and she wanted to use mine, but I was worried whatever I had left on my browser would not be good for her to see since I primarily use my phone to post on this forum. I have no idea why I did what followed, under any normal circumstances I would not have done it, it still makes no sense to me but I know I didn’t do anything intentionally, I was nervous and not thinking clearly, I knew what I had to discuss with the doctor and I was dreading the words that I would have to say. I asked my daughter to hold the paperwork for me and she asked again about my cell phone so for whatever stupid reason I said “well you have plenty of reading material”, what the hell was I thinking, there was information on that page that had concerns about her learning disabilities and her weight, why did I give her those papers? I talked with the doctor for about 20 minutes, I did my best to explain why it was important that we see a therapist for her as soon as we possibly could, I did come out to her doctor and explain everything even though I thought my mouth was going to stick shut since it was so dry. I know as you read this it sounds like I’m a fool, and honestly I must be, the events that followed I wish I could take back,  I never meant for this to happen, why did I do this? Once I was done talking to the doctor I went outside to the waiting room to get my daughter so we could go home. I walked up to her and she slowly looked up at my face and said “dad we need to talk”. At first I was worried she was mad about her phone or that something else was wrong or she was worried about her self medically, she’s just like me and worries about everything.  We walked to the elevator and once inside She said that she had read what was on the papers and I was worried about Her having seen the learning disability details or something about her weight.

I said what about that worries you, and she said “I still love you even if you’re transgender “.

 I thought my heart was going to stop. I think I said “what?” or “what do you mean?”, I don’t know, I can’t remember, but I quickly looked at the paperwork, it was right there, the details describing me as transgender. I had no idea it was there, I swear I didn’t know, it didn’t occur to me it would be there and I don’t know why I gave her those papers.  I can’t figure out why  I am such a fool, why didn’t I just give her my phone, I always use a private browser and clear it, it would’ve taken me a second to make sure before I handed her my phone, why the hell did I give her those papers? I know you’re all going to just side with me, and agree with me, and that’s what’s so wonderful about you, you’re all always there to support me, but I screwed this up so bad, there’s no excuse for the damage that I’ve done.   I knew my wife would be furious, and I worried it would be the end, but I don’t think anyone including those who support me can find much blame in her anger. I knew my wife wouldn’t want me talking to my daughter alone, so I asked her to let us wait to talk untill we talked to mom, she had questions and I really wanted to answer them, but I knew what just happened and I needed to try to let my wife know that I respect how she wants things handled. I can’t remember how many times I said these things but I told my daughter that it is not her fault and that she did nothing wrong, that the only thing she can do now is tell the truth no matter how bad it looks, and that I am deeply sorry... I tried to think of a million different ways I could pull it back but nothing short of lying would ever have made this better. My daughter and I waited for mom in the living room when she got home, I could tell my wife knew something was wrong and she was right, something was so wrong I didn’t know how to fix it and honestly I don’t think I’ve ever made mistake this big in my life. I wasn’t sure if I should say something first or if my daughter should say it first, so my daughter told her that she knew and that she saw the paperwork and that when I handed it to her I told her that if she was bored she had reading material. I have no idea why I made that flip comment, I guess I was just trying to be funny in front of the doctor, she has kids and she thought it was funny, But I never thought such a stupid thing with this stupid comment would have destroyed my family. I honestly don’t remember much of what I said, she talked mostly to my daughter, I remember trying to tell my wife how sorry I was, but I couldn’t hold it together and I broke down. My wife asked my daughter to go outside and play so she could talk to me privately, I feared for the worst, I knew it was coming and I knew I couldn’t get out of the way. I just want to remind everybody at this point, I have lied to this woman, I have been dishonest to this woman for 16 years and all of a sudden I expect her to believe me?  I cannot expect her to believe anything that I say, I’ve done absolutely nothing to build this trust during the majority of our marriage. And then the words came, “I want a divorce”. She means it, I tried pleading with her for two hours, she’s mad, I don’t even think the word angry really describes it, but I do not blame her and you should not either. She will never believe that I did not intentionally do this to our daughter, and I’ve done my best to tell her I’m not lying and that I made a horrible mistake and that I know I caused irreparable damage that may affect our daughter for the rest of her life.  I couldn’t face her anymore so I went and sat in my car for a few hours and cried, I privately messaged a good friend who knows who he is.

It’s amazing the wonderful people you  meet When you tell people who you really are.

It seems like my life comes apart at the seams every time I’ve had to deal with the idea or the reality of transition, From all appearances I believe one could say that I’ve made the wrong decision every time. I just want my family to stay together, and I just want my wife to love me...

.

 

It’s been a solid five minutes since I could continue with this post, I know she hates me, I know she needs to move on, this is too much for her and I thought the very moment I came out to her it would be, I don’t want to be right, but I don’t feel like I have a choice anymore.

 I want so badly to tell her how much I love her but it will just make her mad, she thinks everything I say is it attempt at Manipulation. I swear I don’t think I’m trying to manipulate her, I honestly don’t think I’ve been trying to do that since I came out, but I’m unsure of anything now and I’m full of doubt and fear. I was hoping maybe this morning would be better, that she would have softened a little, but there were no changes, if anything Her resolve is stronger... Please don’t be angry with her, I’ve put her through hell, And not just Since I came out,  I’ve been a horrible husband since the motorcycle wreck 13 years ago, I honestly don’t know why she stayed this long. I guess I just thought she loved me more than I deserved,  and I’ve always taken  advantage of that. I am trying so hard to be completely honest with everybody, I don’t want you to think I’m some angel that deserves defense, I am far from it, if anything I’ve acted more like a demon with selfish and hurtful desires,  not considering the needs or feelings of anyone but myself. 

I wish I was not this way, I wish I had just transitioned the first time I had a chance and never hurt the people that loved me. I was able to put away my desire to live as myself two times before, once out of guilt, fear and doubt and the other time for love so deep I wanted to be a man. Searching myself I don’t think I can stop, I feel like Im at the end, I can only say that I’m transitioning because I feel like this is my last chance, it feels like an act of desperation, like there’s nothing left if I go on without Letting myself shed what I feel is false and go on to live the way I felt since I was four years old. 

I don’t want to turn any of you against my wife, She’s a wonderful person, capable of immense love, But now I think her maternal protective instincts are driving her to remove herself and her child from a perceived dangerous situation. I feel very confident that we could survive as a family even if my wife and I had a different relationship, but I think that opportunity has passed.  I will never stop loving Her,   But I know if she is to survive she will need to stop loving me . Please pray for me, please pray for my family, please pray for my wife.

.

Jae

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Jae,

 

I really do think you're being too hard on yourself.  I haven't commented much on your posts, but I have been reading them, and I'm sorry to say it seems like your wife was looking for an excuse to push for a divorce.  This just happened to be a handy one.  I don't think it has anything to do with your ability or presence as a spouse to her; it sounds like she's wanted away from the whole idea of transgender anything since the start, and this gave her an opening to go for it.

 

On a practical level, I'm going to advise you to get in front of this and get an attorney as quickly as you can.  If you wait for her to make a move, you'll be playing catch-up.  You especially want to make sure that, whatever ends up happening, your rights where your daughter are concerned are preserved.

 

On an emotional level, I know this is a punch in the gut.  You must be reeling, and I don't think there's anything I or anyone can say that will lessen the pain.  That's something only time can do.  For what it's worth, having been through a divorce myself, I have a bit of a different perspective on relationships and keeping them going.  As I've watched things unfold in your relationship with your wife, I've gotten the impression that she's very much a creature of habit and doesn't take well to anything that upsets the routine.  That's not a criticism; it's just an observation.  A lot of people are like that.

 

I've also noticed, though, a tendency within her to push back on even minor changes that would have a pretty big impact on your personal happiness.  That is a criticism.  I sincerely doubt she hates you as you fear.  I think, rather, she loves you - or the idea of you as she wants you to be, which doesn't fit with the direction your life is going.  When we love someone as much as you love your wife, it can be hard to see through that love, but from my point of view I see you putting her on a pedestal, describing her as a flawless creature who tolerates all the flaws that are within you.

 

That just can't possibly be the case.  Everyone is flawed.  And in her case, the flaw is expecting things to stay the way they were and turning even simple conversations about change into reasons to criticize you and ultimately make you feel like a failure as a husband.  That is manipulation, not anything you've done.

 

And Jae, you deserve so, so much better.

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I'll admit I'm not as intimately familiar with your whole story being new here, but I read your post. Divorce is hard, as I am a survivor, but after the healing, things do become okay. You start to choose situations that are better for yourself even if such a thing does not seem possible. You could find a relationship that nurtures your honest self.

 

To me, it sounds like things went very well with your daughter. I mean, life kind of handed her the truth, and she said she still loves you. That's huge! It sounds like your relationship with your daughter can actually deepen now that this has happened.

 

Someone once told me that anything bad in life is something good that hasn't finished. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up. Your head was undoubtedly swimming, you got distracted, and unexpected events happened. It's not your fault. You're a human being, and like a beautiful phoenix, you can rise from whatever ashes you perceive to be in place. Hang in there, and no matter, always remember that you deserve love - especially your own.

 

❤️

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Hey Jae, 

☹️  So sorry for you. I’m sure you’re hurting after such a tough day.

But I agree with what Lily said. You need to look at the bright star in all of this. Your daughter knows who you are now! And she is seemingly okay with it! That is HUGE!! That’s a big thing that you no longer have to be so afraid of. Every little hurdle we conquer makes the rest of them just a little bit easier. 

And you seem like a great girl to me! I am sorry that your wife may not feel the same, but it is time for Jae to think of herself for once. You’ve given half of your life to the people around you. Now you need to take care of yourself for a bit. 

I know how hard all of this is. But like I said the other day, you are going to be so happy at the end of all of this. And I still feel that way. One more important person knows who you are now and supports you! And we are all here for you too. ?

Kirsten. 

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 I'm going to have to agree with, Dev whole heartedly on this one Jae. I don't have the experience of marriage or divorce, so I can't completely relate, however; Through your stories I've started to think much of the same. And red flags just look like normal flags through rose colored lenses. I am sorry to hear about your pain and troubles, and I hope you two are able to settle things as smoothly as possible. As the others have said, I think you're daughter could be in a good place to handle you're situation very well. I hope you're able to foster that with her and grow even closer.

 

 Please take care of yourself through these hard times, and try your best to stay afloat through all the emotions and pain.

 

With care,

 -Vaelyn

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Jae I am sorry to hear of your recent strife I do have a great deal of experience in the area of divorce unfortunately , if this mistake leads to divorce it was inevitable at this point you must do what ever you must to maintain your relationship with your daughter who seems totally accepting of you and take care of yourself so you can do this your relationship with your child cannot be replaced your wife may reconsider or not. Putting yourself and your child first is the right thing to do regardless of your marital outcome putting your child first is never a mistake and to do this you must be true to yourself 

 

(((((HUGS))))) Bobbisue☺️

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I just can’t stop screwing up... We went out to eat with my aunt, and I couldn’t eat, my stomach was in knots. I couldn’t talk because I was so ashamed and near breaking the whole time. The only thing I managed was to ask my wife was to call me Jae after the tenth time she used my full name, I feel like she was trying to get under my skin but now I regret saying anything at all... to top everything off, when we got home my car was missing, and it turns out it was towed. We went to get it, paid $680 to get it back and had to jump the battery to get it started. When I finally drove it out of the gate I did not see our minivan so I assumed she left, this was a horrible mistake, I should have called or looked harder, she was still there when I called from home asking her to open the door since I didn’t have a key. I left my wife and daughter waiting in a bad neighborhood for no good reason. You can imaging how she felt, so many screw ups in a row, she is certain I am trying to make her crazy, why would she ever believe me? I must be incompetent, why didn’t I check? Why didn’t I call? I keep screwing  things up when I want to try and patch things back together... I must be a fool, why can’t I get myself right...

Hugs

Jae

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Jae Bear - this isn't your fault. This whole thing... it's impossible for one person to cause it. It just is. From the outside looking in, what I see is a situation wherein you're being made to feel responsible for everything that's happening, but in regard to the divorce, your wife actually initiated it. What's happening to you right now is just that - happening to you. You left your daughter in the safekeeping of your wife and her judgement; if the neighborhood was bad, she could have found a way out. You didn't exactly choose to get yourself towed. Do you suppose your daughter thinks this is all your fault? Does your wife think it's your fault; I imagine she'd say so to take responsibility out of her hands.

 

Maybe I'm too biased since I was a victim who thought I was the monster once. Keep your head up. You can do this one day at a time. Things will get better because you'll make them. :) I have faith in you, Jae, and you should too.

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Hi Jae Bear

Sometimes things move so fast that they take on their own momentum. When that happens things spiral out of control.

If you can slow things down and give yourselves time to breathe, this transition might go the way that is acceptable for all parties.

Always concentrate on the bigger picture and that never comes by rushing or forcing the issue. 

I make mistakes when I loose focused on the journey.  And if your wife comes with you that is a real blessing.  From her side of things, I doubt she would have imagined things blowing up the way they have.

Take time to realistically plan what you want to happen over the next month, 3 months etc and present this to your wife and family.  Then you will know if they are in for the ride.

I wish you only the best,dear, on you journey and truly feel the pain you and your wife are going through.

All the best

Jade xx

 

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I am feeling better right now, just finished workingout on the stationary bike, must be all the endorphines kicking in. The morning was rough, I didn’t want to get up, but I managed to get ready only to talk with my wife for three hours with a full breakdown cry every 20 minutes or so. I keep wondering why she pushes me so low, she has to see how much pain I am in, but she pushes me past the brink until I have to beg her to stop, what happened to us? I wonder why she doesnt feel the need to comfort me, hold me. I cant stand to see her in pain, all I want to do is hold her when she cries. Is she trying to push me away? Is this the bad Lassie routine?

I saw something today that makes me think, she was convinced there was infidelity involved, I swear there never has been, ever! Could the heart of this be fear and insecurity about infidelity? Maybe she wants first strike options?

Anyway... After I washed my face and got it all together, yet another fistful of mousse to flatten the hair into full boy mode, an we went out for Mothers day. She found a great little hidden German place in a 100 year old biulding in downtown San Jose... It was awesome! We had a great time! I gave my daughter the little crystal bunny to give her mom, I was worried it might go sailing over a fence if I gave it to bunny myself, (bye, bye $130!) Our waitress was a sweet girl named Daniell, honestly I think she may have been trans but if she was, even I couldnt tell for sure... That and I think it is an unwritten rule that we do not clock each other in public! She recommended an amber ale so I had a liter! Whoops! Yeah, too much beer for me! After loosing 29 pounds and eating 300 callories yesterday, I was un prepared, but I was also in a great mood. Bunny drove home, I snoozed, leaned back watching  the world slip by the car window... music on the radio, Wendy smiling at me from the back seat, it was great, I could have lived in that moment forever. But of course it all makes me melon-collie now, however, tomorrow is another day.

Hugs,

Jae

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It sounds like yesterdays time out went well.   Hopefully more will come.  Keep the lines of communication open.

 

Jani

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Bunny is still adamant about divorce even if she has softened on me. I really want to see a therapist together just to see what might happen. Talking with my electrologist during the 2 hours on the table I understand many couples get back together... why do they separate if they love each other so much?

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Hi Jae,

I have never been married nor divorced, so I have no experience to share with you on that. But I will tell you that you are not the bad person you think you are. Yes, you've made mistakes. Who hasn't. I've made some whoppers. But you're human. You've made mistakes in the past, and you'll make mistakes again. We all have and will. We can and must forgive ourselves.

 

We are often quick to forgive the mistakes of others, but not ourselves. This I can say from experience, we tend to demand perfection from ourselves, and this is a demand we can never meet. We are not perfect and can never be. 

 

I've read many of your posts. They are not the posts of a monster. They are the posts of a good person who has caring and love in their heart. This is where it counts. We all put up fronts, and sometimes they don't serve well. But someone with the heart you have can never be a horrible person.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

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I don't have much to add, you've been given good advice, but I will say this.  YOU did NOT cause any damage.  Period.  Being who you are doesn't damage anyone, and being honest about it doesn't damage anyone.  How they choose to receive you may cause damage, but that is on them, YOU did NOTHING wrong.  Your daughter finding out, in that time and in that way, may not have been ideal, but that does not make it wrong.  Don't let people make you believe you are the burden, you aren't.  Their world view is the burden.  I'm not saying you've never done anything wrong, we all have, but in this, you haven't.  You have as much right to be as loud and  proud of who you are as anyone standing on this earth, and anyone that would have you hide in the shadows is a burden to YOU, and not a healthy part of your life.

As for the divorce, I've been there, and yea it was as much my fault as it was my exes, but the bottom line was that we were not right together.  If we were, we would have found a way to make it.  It hurts, but it will almost certainly open a door to something better. 

Your place in the universe is absolute, trust that.  It will not let you down.

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I just stopped back home to fix the washing machine, the interconnect lid switch broke and I have a pile of laundry since I was incapacitated crying on the floor all weekend. I do fully realize that if this is the path I am to walk  i’m going to have to start acting autonomously in my own best interest while respecting the needs of my wife and child. I think my wife just wants to be my friend, and I could be very happy with that if we were close and still felt like a family, but I still have no idea how it would affect me if she found someone new or if By some miracle someone came into my life while I’m still in love with Bunny. Honestly I don’t think there’s a way to pull myself back away from the love I have for her, she really is wonderful but she also knows what she wants from a relationship and I can’t give it to her, even if I told her I would stop tomorrow and pull the patches stop taking the pills go cut my hair grow my beard she won’t have me back, and honestly she wouldn’t want me after I gave up and stopped functioning knowing I would be simply stuck  in this body.

Oh how I wish I had done this back in 1998 when I had the chance, it was so put together it would’ve been but two or three phone calls and I would’ve been on my way without trampling the wonderful people that got in my path. But I do have my daughter, and even if right now she’s very hurt, and even if she says mean things to me, I will always love her no matter what, she’ll always just be my little grizzly bunny...  it’s so hard to write these words,  I know I have grown to be reliant upon my wife, codependent for my own issues of low self-esteem and denial, but I care about her so deeply it’s killing part of me that wants to hold her and make everything OK. That part of the man that I was for her, that wanted to kill every spider for her, And check every noise outside to make sure things would  be OK.  As much as I hated living in his body he gave me access to her and I will always be grateful To him for that.

I’m so sick of crying, I still can’t understand how something I’ve never wanted has to happen for me to function and survive, transition is so scary, my safe place with my bunny will be gone. The church that was my home will not want me, there is the possibility my daughter will never want to know who I am and grow to hate me or dislike me so much she doesn’t want to be near me.  I don’t know if I mentioned before that my oldest daughter is 28, I had her when I was very young,  and she’s gotten in with this really serious religious group... something about the Torah with some aspects of Christianity but in a nearly radicalized way where she talks so horribly about trans people, I try to tell her how I feel about the situation, that I don’t judge anyone and I remind her about my uncle but I know if I tell her what’s happening with me I will never hear from her again.  I’m worried about stressing out my Aunt if I go to live with her, but the cost of being in the bay area and the money that we make just isn’t enough, we still need each other to survive financially and I have no problem with that but I just wish we could stay together the way that we are. It’s so hard for me to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, I’m just not sure this time if I’m going to look back and decide this was right or wrong, but I know I have to do it, I just can’t go any further this way... Not that I would do anything to myself as I’m simply not that person and I have definitely seen what happens when people don’t value their life, and while I may value my life plenty I also know that if I can’t pull myself together I’m just going to shut down and not care, curl up in a ball and let everything fall apart until there’s nothing left to worry about, it wouldn’t be the first time I let  everything slip into disrepair when I couldn’t pull myself together, but Bunny was there to pick up all the broken pieces and patch me up, why does the thought of something so beautiful make me cry ?

Hugs,

Jae

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Jae - I can't imagine how you must feel inside. If you feel like you need to break down and fall to pieces before you can pick yourself back up, that's okay. No matter how you react to this situation is you, and it's okay. Hang in there, hon. It's okay to feel broken, and it's okay to go into survival mode, just don't give up on yourself. :) There's always a next chapter, right? Just keep turning those pages!

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Jae,

 

I Know I have been away for a while but I sat down this morning to get caught up. Things in our life happen for a reason and although we hope for the best you always prepare for the worst. I agree with the others on here that you are not souly to blame in all this. You hid something you weren't prepared to deal with yet and when you got there you came out with honesty. You didn't do this behind your wife's back. Your daughter now knowing is a silver lining that you need to hold on to for sure! At this point the best advice I can give is see a lawyer and figure out a plan for if the "d" word happens. 

 

My heart broke a little inside reading this as it feels like you and I have been on this journey together from the start. Please message me if you need to talk!

 

Big hugs!

Jenny

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I’ve got to admit this whole thing just kills me, she went from I support you to I can’t stand you inside two months. I’ve gone past the emotional jellification of the last five days, I’ve managed to straighten and start processing some of this. I find it Weird that during last nights argument while I kept my cool and did my best to communicate she kept looping her arguments and never heard a word I said. I think this is just the way it’s going to be, she has an idea in her head and creates future crimes that are fictional and have not existed or happened yet, still I have to pay for them as she is certain I am guilty somehow. The one thing that I’m having trouble with, is she now wants me to stop sharing relationship details on this forum, just stick to hair and makeup tips and to not talk with people that I don’t already know, and that I should not try to make any friends that I’ve never met before. None of that makes sense to me,  I am all grown up... no more games.

Hugs,

Jae

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I'd say it was time to move on and let the chips fall wherever they may.  You need to be making plans for the future. A future that sadly, isn't going to include your wife.

 

MaryEllen

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2 hours ago, MaryEllen said:

I'd say it was time to move on and let the chips fall wherever they may.  You need to be making plans for the future. A future that sadly, isn't going to include your wife.

 

That's what I am reading too.  I have been divorced for 30 years as of tomorrow for reasons other than my gender, but we are, as we say 'still related through our children (now adults in their late 30's and early 40's) and can have family dinners together with our grand children.  We can agree today that marriage was a bad idea for both of us.  My ex is now a foster sister so to speak and both of us have lives that fit each of us, that we could not have as a couple.  Yes, it is love, but not what the story books talk about. 

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I'm sorry you are going through this Jae.  I remember the time when i made a decision that i had to come out and then deal with the consequences regardless of what they might be.  While i didn't loose my family, the farm i had built and the relatively comfortable life i was living i simply had to accept those as possibilities.  I have been fortunate and am grateful for that.  I used the serenity prayer quite often:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change thew things i can and the wisdom to know the difference."  It helped me to know that while i could be as compassionate and loving as i could be i had to accept that i couldn't control the reactions others might have.  Somehow using that prayer did help me even though i have never been a very religious person.  My therapist had said virtually the same thing.  You can accept yourself and need to accept your families reaction.

Hopefully things will work out but please take care of yourself as you worry about others.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Jae, it hurts to read these posts. You joined 3 days after I did and I have followed your journey from the beginning and shared the ups and downs along with you and I hope for the best for you. But I have to agree that you need to be prepared for the worst, while still hoping for the best. It was unfortunate that things worked out the way they did, but as you said earlier, there is a reason for all things. We may not know what that reason is, but I believe that it will become clear in it's own time.

I too, like Jenny, would be willing to talk via PM. Let one or both of us know if there is anything we can do to help.

Please take care.

((((((Hugs)))))

Brandi

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I guess I’m at peace with whatever happens now, I will keep telling her I love her and want her to stay, but I’ll accept her decision if it comes... She needs not to be brutally unhappy for the rest of her life if that can be avoided...

Hugs,

Jae

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Maybe I’ve hit some sort of acceptance phase, or maybe I’m just numb, but for whatever reason today feels OK. My wife is being cordial to me on the phone, we arrange some stuff to get the kid back-and-forth to some appointments and discussed some of the things that our future holds without having any emotional kickback. I think it’s the first time that it didn’t affect me quite as heavily as it normally does. Even if I choked a little when I said I accept whatever her decision is but I still hope she stays with me. I’m starting to feel like all the things that have happened to me in the last few years have been for a reason, leading me up to this particular point in my life, I’ve had to learn so many new things and organize my life in a way that I can handle it completely on my own whereas before I was so dependent on the people around me to make half of my life get accomplished I could never have been in this place years back. I’m starting to wonder why at the point in my life where I finally have all my ducks in a row somebody just kicked mama duck right off the road. Then again I’ve had to come to the realization that as much as I would like to keep everything Together, upon self examination for the last week, there is no way I can turn around, I just hope people can understand where I’m at, it’s either transition or curl up in a ball and cease to function, I’ve been there a few times before in my life but the people around me always picked me up and helped me out, namely Bunny, and this time she needs me to fly out of the nest on my own, even if that sounds like a weird analogy.

Hugs,

Jae

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15 hours ago, jae bear said:

She needs not to be brutally unhappy for the rest of her life if that can be avoided...

 

 

This in particular is something I wanted to address, Jae.  You've said this or something similar a couple of times now, without following the thought to its logical conclusion, which is:  you also deserve not to be made unhappy for the rest of your life.

 

I'm glad you've hit a period of acceptance, and I know you'll come to us as and when you struggle going forward.  But I felt this needed to be said.  You deserve a life where you're not living with someone who questions everything you do and everything you are.  That's no way to live.

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