Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Periods of dysphoria and periods of not caring that much?


Kalyan

Recommended Posts

Hello, I already mentioned that in another topic before, but I thought now was a good time to ask.

 

As a young child(kindergarten), I remember thinking I was a boy. For no exact reason. Yeah.

But at the same time I 'knew' I was a girl, but I was like, feeling like I was a boy. 

Though I think I didn't exactly like looking at myself, in the mirror or anything, that may be why the difference never really hit me .

But I didn't pay attention to my clothing, I just let my parents dress me however they wanted, I was never paying attention to my appearance, so I remember not minding that much girl's clothes. I did mind overly girly clothes though.

Soon after, I remember refusing skirts, but I still let my parents dress me with girl's clothes. Since kindergarten I was bullied a lot but I don't remember how it started, I wonder if it was because of that. 

 

Growing up, I know I hated shopping. Because we always went for girl's clothes and I hated it, I just avoided facing my appearance and I just followed the flow again, I didn't take care of myself at all, out of disgust of being like the normal girls. I gained a lot of weight like that btw. Hopefully I lost it today.

But being a 'girl' somehow disgusted me, but it weirded me out and I decided to ignore it.

I was even forced to wear a dress for a wedding, and I was beautiful, really a beautiful little girl but I just, hated it. I couldn't find it beautiful, it didn't suit me.

 

It kept going until end of middle school, where a guy told me what transgender was after hearing my story. I didn't know that existed. But even learning that, I just denied it, because I wanted to convince myself I was over it.

 

Yet, dysphoria never disappeared, it just became stronger.

Now in my second year of highschool, I've just faced the problem. 

Some periods, I feel like maybe I'm just a boyish lesbian or something, even though chest dysphoria doesn't disappear and I still want to look like a man as much as possible.

 

And then, I have periods of intense dysphoria, in which I literally have the URGE to pass, and I just can't handle it, I want to be a man but at the same time it scares me. My parents are clearly transphobic, and transitioning still sounds like a lot of trouble.

 

Especially since now I see how it became popular and some people go through the 'trans phase'(this handful of teens who aren't really trans, but they find it awesome so they decide to 'be one'. I'm not targeting anyone, just saying that some kids really do it for that)

 

I'd hate to be like them. The whole thing troubles me so much. I don't want to claim anything when I am not 100% sure.

 

Somehow I just wish I never had that. 

I wish I was just 'normal', that I was born male or that I never had a problem with feminity.

I wish this whole dysphoria thing could just disappear.

 

So yeah, a real mess. I don't know what exactly to think.

I thought, maybe I have hormonal problems that make me feel like this, and I'm not really trans?

What do you think? What can I do?

 

Thank you for reading, and sorry I'm just quite a mess right now. I may have unintentionally said something wrong, if I did please just point it out nicely, it was not my intention.

 

(P.s.: I live in France)

Link to comment

Wow, reading my post again, I think I was a bit too emotional. Ignore all that pessimism please.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

No need to apologize Kalyan.  This can be a stressful time when you are questioning your gender.  I don't know if you can access a therapist to talk things over but it would be helpful.  You do have a few years before leaving secondary school and maybe you will go on to college. Due to your parents phobia you might hold out until you leave home for college or a job.  I understand that might seem like a tough thing to do but look at this as a long term plan.  Many of us, myself included waited many years before beginning transition.   It's important to remain in a home where you are safe rather than anger your parents and risk other issues.  Obtaining your education is important as it is the key to future success.  Hang in there.

 

Jani  

Link to comment
Just now, Jani said:

No need to apologize Kalyan.  This can be a stressful time when you are questioning your gender.  I don't know if you can access a therapist to talk things over but it would be helpful.  You do have a few years before leaving secondary school and maybe you will go on to college. Due to your parents phobia you might hold out until you leave home for college or a job.  I understand that might seem like a tough thing to do but look at this as a long term plan.  Many of us, myself included waited many years before beginning transition.   It's important to remain in a home where you are safe rather than anger your parents and risk other issues.  Obtaining your education is important as it is the key to future success.  Hang in there.

 

Jani  

Hi Jani, thanks for answering

 I can't access a therapist, because I live in a small place in France, can't find any.

I'm gonna wait a bit to move to a bigger place where I can find help

Thank you again for your support, it helps 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

That's good.  Sometime the best answer is to buckle down and get into a holding pattern until your situation gets better.  We're here too.

 

Jani

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 141 Guests (See full list)

    • Sally Stone
    • Mmindy
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...