came out to my oldest daughter - What was I thinking?

[jae bear]

My older daughter is nearly 30 and married, Her mom was my 1st wife and ended our marriage by cheating on me... Oh well-

So I keep in contact with her now and then, sometimes everyday for a while and sometimes just every other week. She called me yesterday to catch up and we talked about her favorite subject, the church, Christianity, and her particularly strict and narrow religious views. I discussed how so much of the LGBTQ community is ignored or shunned and why I feel strongly that it is wrong, she agreed that there should be more room for all. I told her about my dad being a cross dresser and how that felt to me as a child, then asked her how she would feel if it was her that was faced with that information, she thought it over and told me the rather expected "I would be tolerant, loving and accepting and love that person no matter what"... Soooo..... I told her.

She tried to maintain her pleasant self for a few minutes until it spiraled out of control to the figurative "your going to hell" and weeping part of the conversation, she then abruptly ended the call and I could not explain anything more. The call had lasted quite a while, nearly an hour, so I did have the chance to explain most of my important details and tell her that I love her no matter what, I am not going away, and that she is not loosing her dad, she can call me dad until the end of time if she wants to.

I figured I should just let her think about it for a few days before I talked to her again, maybe she should call me I thought. my youngest daughter was at home so I asked for a support hug to feel better about it, always feels nice to get a hug from your kids... I went to work out and got a call half way through my routine, I saw the area code and figured it was my daughter. I answered and said "I love you so much, I am so sorry this is such hard news for you", then the answer came, "this is not your daughter, this is your ex wife". Holy moly... well, I haven't heard from her in ages. I asked how she was and the greetings were brief, then I got 2 straight hours of how this is all against Gods plan, and that my salvation was in jeopardy. Just so you all know, as I change my flesh to appear how I like, I am no different in any way that is in contrast with my faith, I do not feel my salvation is in jeopardy. I listened and agreed with most of her words, I already knew them anyway from years of searching for myself, then she just kept repeating her circular argument without listening to me. I tried to talk a few times and she just became insistent and loud, because that is how you win an argument, right? At midnight I politely told her I was going to go home and go to bed, and she was clearly just waiting for me to say "You're right, I will quit right away"! What nonsense is this that the people in my life don't get it, I explain it in a very clear way, I am patient and listen, I am only asking that they call me a different name and accept this decision for my life. So, what the heck is my ex calling me about? Because she wants to word bludgeon me into her narrow view of faith and salvation or because her grown adult daughter is so upset? Or is it just an easy excuse for the woman that cheated on me to find some reason to argue with me once again?

AARRGH!

Jae

[Kirsten]

It really sounds like the thoughts of a very narrow minded person that will never be reached Jae. I can’t imagine having to deal with the religious kickback from a life changing event as this is. I feel for you in this respect. But it seems some religious beliefs so negatively affect our community as a whole I’m not sure it’s a battle that can be won. 

I hope you and your daughter can find a middle ground, but I would not hold your breath when it comes to your ex. Exes can be more of a hassle than they are worth at times. 

[Jani]

Jae, I honestly wouldn't be worried about losing your eldest daughter.  From the sound of your initial description it appears you lost her years ago.  She was obviously under your ex's influence as she grew and her views reflect the ex's.   The ex's call showed the depth of her dislike (being kind) of you.   I cannot say I would have listened or carried on the conversation as long as you did.  

 

Time to move on for good.  You know the answer to the question you wanted to ask.  Block their numbers.  Live your life.

 

Jani 

[BrandiBri]

Jae, I agree with Jani, you are probably butting your head against a brick wall. I have been going to a church here for about a month and a half and when I started going I asked the pastor before the service if I would be welcome there. He said the only concern he had was the bathroom issue since they don't have a family room, but otherwise I was welcome. Yesterday though, during his sermon he affirmed that all were welcome, but that they maintained a certain set of standards. That told me that I am not really welcome there, so I won't be going there anymore. The message was subtle, but never the less to the point.

The least likely people to listen are the "holier than thou" religious people that think that they have the only answers.

Just now, Jani said:

Live your life

Remember who you are doing this for, yourself, not them.

Hang in there sweetie.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Rachael]

I know it hurts but now you know how she feels. All you can do is try to move on. 

Keep your eye on the prize, think happy thoughts.

[jae bear]

 She will eventually come around, it will take time... The fact that she was so concerned that she called her mother for assistance tells me something in itself. My ex wasn’t mean to me she just doesn’t want to listen, but that’s fine I guess that’s what makes an ex so handy, you just don’t have to listen. That being said my soon to be ex is a little different, I have no idea how I’m handling that, she’s the only woman I have ever been in real love with, the kind so deep you get lost.

Hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

 We had a really long talk last night after I got back from electrolysis, I sat in the car and talked with her for at least an hour, although I mostly listened. She was really quite angry, and honestly I’m finding that for personal family members this is the initial response or at least the response just after saying that they accept  you. She tried a few of the same circular arguments her mother, my ex, was making, but after a while we started talking more about what it was she was worried about and tried to get to the bottom of her feelings. I did my best to assure her that I loved her and that I’m still her dad and that I will always be her dad, but we all know that the physical outside of this packaging is changing, and nobody likes the new Coke.  We got deeper into some of the problems that were between us, sadly her mom took her away from our home when she was 10, I watched as they slowly disappeared down the road and wondered if I would ever see the two of them again. Honestly I could’ve done a few more things, I could’ve called more I could’ve flown to Minnesota more I suppose I could’ve really worked hard on this one but I was younger and busy with my life and I didn’t do the things I should have. I was also very naïve, I didn’t even know it at the time when I watched them drive out of sight that I had signed away my parental rights and didn’t have any ability to reel it all back in to make parenting easier, my first wife had tricked me into signing paperwork that I didn’t read, and that’s all on me and my fault entirely, I shouldn’t have been such a dope. But I made good as best I could, I paid the child support diligently make sure that if they needed anything extra I provided it, I bought her mother a car and made sure that they had a roof over their head, even if they were late on rent. And while making sure I wrote those checks is one thing, keeping communication open is entirely another, and I wasn’t writing those communication checks nearly as quickly or as often as I should have. That poor kid of mine had a rough go, I never really knew how bad it was until she told me recently, I feel terrible now that I didn’t know and didn’t intervene, I felt just like my mom who let my dad rage at my sister and never stepped in. This wonderful kid of mine started calling me several years ago on a regular basis, and we finally opened communication and talked to each other on a regular basis even if some months we didn’t talk as much and then some days we would talk every day or several times a day. Now things have changed again and we need to work into a new relationship, she has to deal with the fact that the physical aspect of her father will be gone. This I think is so much for her to process but she is also a big girl, all grown up, with a husband of her own and taking care of her life the best that she can. I know that she is jealous of her little sister, she feels her little sister got way more of me than she ever did, unfortunately that simply isn’t true, I was in good shape and did all sorts of fun things with my older daughter when we were together, we did everything as a team, we went to the park almost every day to fly airplanes ride bicycles or play with remote control cars, she was my little buddy and I was her’s. I remember building her a tiny power wheels jeep with rubber wheels and a two-stroke Weedwhacker motor that she drove  around, it wasn’t super fast, but it was faster than I could run, at least it had good brakes... She drove that thing like a champ and realized that she could hit the brakes and slide sideways, that kid of mine was definitely a chip off the old block and knew how to handle a steering wheel. After she and I had talked for a great time she started doing something I hadn’t expected, she started comparing me to murderers, rapists, child molesters, alcoholics, drug dealers, and yes even Hitler. I did my best not to catch fire right there in the seat of my car, and I calmly explained to her that comparing me to sick depraved and horrific people is not acceptable in any fashion whatsoever, and that it is horrifyingly offensive and that I do not have a disease or an addiction or a sickness that afflicts me. I explained that I have a condition, a rare condition that not many people have, and that it is treatable, and the treatment involves the WPATH standards of care, which involves therapists and doctors who treat the issue to resolve the problem for the patient. She then wanted to know when I would stop feeling this way, be cured and stop transitioning, I had to let her know the treatment didn’t do that, it would result in me living in the world as a woman. I was expecting the worst, but in the conversation finally turned, I don’t know if somehow she understood but something did change. I continue to explain to her that I could no longer hear her try to convince me to stop, as that was not the path I’m on nor was it something that I could consider, is I would be no good to anyone curled up in a ball in the corner room at Aunt Holly’s house doing nothing all, bills piled up and my taxes levied against me. We wrapped up the call telling each other we love each other, and I reiterated that I’m still her dad and always will be, and that I know things will be different but if we keep communicating and keep loving one another we’re going to get through this even if it takes time. I’m so glad she didn’t tell me she never wanted to speak to me again, as honestly that’s what I thought would happen.

Hugs,

Jae

[Guest]

Hey there Jae (((hugs))) to you girlfriend! Don't beat up on yourself with the woulds, coulda, and if onlys, your ex is being a hypocrite. I'm a believer also, but gave up the church scene some time ago rather than suffer the slings and arrows of the rock throwing crowd. Unfortunately most Christians spend their Sundays being bench warmers and most never put to action what Jesus had preached. Eventually when the pastor refers to the "Unsaved Sinners" and the "Lost Souls" it inadvertently sets the members up with a rather polemic attitude, we the saved and them the sinners, forgetting their roads they once traveled. This of course does not resemble the will and attitude of Jesus at all, and they wind up alienating a lot of those that Jesus loves like you and me, and they give Christ a black eye in the view of all of us who are just as not without fault as they are. Yes, it is very hypocritical as they feel the need to sit in the judgment seat of Christ and pass condemnation on those that Jesus loves and died for. Fortunately we won't have to answer for them.

[Jani]

Jae I'm glad to hear you had another conversation with your daughter and that it went better than the last one.  That's good that you stood up and told her you didn't want to hear negative comments.   It's a hard road but you're moving forward.  

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

I second what Jani just said. I'm glad you're standing strong, Jae!

I've never been a huge fan of the "Jesus loves me, but he can't stand you" approach to things. 

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh, what a bunch of drama tonight, my ex-wife is crazy. Turns out that my sister got a call from my ex-wife, and then called my wife to ask why my ex-wife was calling her. Of course I went into panic mode thinking that my ex-wife is going to start calling everyone to mess with me or somehow forced me into being fixed by the church, well I guess maybe her church does that but mine doesn’t so I don’t know what she’s thinking.  So I had to do the best I can with the information I had and I asked my sister to come over to my house as soon as she possibly could because I had to tell her something, she was worried and I told her nobody’s dying nobody sick nobody’s hurt but I have information that you’re going to have to know because it appears my ex-wife is trying to cause problems and I want you to hear it from me first. I sat down with my sister and really went through the whole thing from top to bottom, there were so many things about her family that she didn’t know, she had no idea about my dad but knew a few other things and pieced it altogether. She pondered it greatly, I could tell I could see her gears turning, But in the end after all the explanations she understood, she told me she loves me and it may be a little weird for a while but with time it’ll be fine, I don’t think I could ask for much more than that, and honestly I’m going to need help from my sister, she’s going to become a very important part of my life no matter how we look at this. I did eventually call my ex-wife back and talk with her and make sure she understood that what she had done was very inappropriate although I was as polite as I could manage to be even though I was furiously angry with her. Why is it people decide to do these harebrained things in the middle of crisis mode where you already have everything out on the table And can’t possibly except even the smallest gust of wind as it would destroy the work you’ve put in place and all of the effort you’ll need to do to make it all put together properly, this puzzle is enormously complex and it needs to be assembled correctly at the right time, the thought that someone will try to jeopardize that makes me absolutely insane.

Hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

I've glad to hear the conversation with your sister went well.  

 

Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

Ugh. You are going through so much right now, Jae. I feel for you!

Glad things went well with your sister especially under adverse circumstances. Great that you handled it proactively and didn't let your ex dictate how this got communicated.

[Guest]

My sister was like that too, something really wonderful about female siblings, whereas the males often times find it intimidating as if it somehow makes a negative statement about their own masculinity. This is a generalization of course!