Bigender or Trans??

[Cmattison]

Please help.

 

I am AFAB, and have been having confusion regarding my gender.

 

I have always dreamt of being able to grow a beard and not have a womans chest. I have never been very girly or into doing girl stuff. 

 

I am married to a man, and only attracted to my husband. Girls just dont do it for me. We have 2 kids together and we are extremely happy.  With that being said, let's get to it.

 

About 3 years ago, I started questioning myself and I thought maybe I was a lesbian. I dont know why, but the thought was there. Then when I actually started talking to women, I was so incredibly not into it it's not even funny.

 

Occasionally since then, I have had these strong urges to have a bulge, a flat chest and to have a full beard. The urge is so intense to the point that sometimes I will try out a fake beard, put on a pair of boxers, shove a sock in there, and be the man I feel like I am. 

 

Then, there are days that the urge isnt so intense. I'm okay being without a beard and bulge. The chest has always been an issue for me. I hate my chest!!!  I do have long hair and the thought of cutting it short both excites and terrifies me. I have never been the girl that shaves....ever. I shave my legs only if I have to. 

 

I do wear dresses and makeup and do my hair, but those days are very seldom. Maybe once every couple of months??? Pronouns currently dont bother me. I love when my husband (who is the only one that knows about this) calls me my Male name, and uses he/him. But being called her/she doesnt bother me.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? Help! I'm going crazy and I think the only reason I'm so confused is because I'm afraid of how other people will react. I'm also afraid that I may regret it if I choose to transition. 

 

Here's a side by side of me as a female and me on my extremely Male day

[Dev]

Howdy and welcome!  Glad you found us!

 

I'll start with the bad news: the only person who can tell if transition is appropriate for you is you.  I can tell you it sounds like you fall somewhere on the trans spectrum, but whether transition would make you truly happy isn't something others can conclude.

 

That being said, it's time for me to bang the gender therapist drum.  Gender issues, especially when the dysphoria isn't at full strength all the time, are complex and can take some digging to figure out.  We keep a database of therapists who work with gender issues - just plug in your ZIP code, filter for therapists, and you'll find whoever is close to you.

 

The other benefit of therapy is that it will lead you to feeling more confident in your decision, whether you choose to transition or not.  That will go some way toward reducing the worry about how others will react, and experience will take care of the rest.

[Cmattison]

9 minutes ago, Dev said:

Howdy and welcome!  Glad you found us!

 

I'll start with the bad news: the only person who can tell if transition is appropriate for you is you.  I can tell you it sounds like you fall somewhere on the trans spectrum, but whether transition would make you truly happy isn't something others can conclude.

 

That being said, it's time for me to bang the gender therapist drum.  Gender issues, especially when the dysphoria isn't at full strength all the time, are complex and can take some digging to figure out.  We keep a database of therapists who work with gender issues - just plug in your ZIP code, filter for therapists, and you'll find whoever is close to you.

 

The other benefit of therapy is that it will lead you to feeling more confident in your decision, whether you choose to transition or not.  That will go some way toward reducing the worry about how others will react, and experience will take care of the rest.

Thanks. I dont currently have insurance and I think I'm so scared of everything, I'm not ready to talk to a therapist. Does that make sense??? Is it normal to have these different feelings? I feel very confused and lost about myself.

[Jani]

Hi and welcome aboard!  So you're scared.  That is reasonable as thinking about our gender is something this can be scary as it's not something that most people do.  The fact that you have a range of emotions over this is also normal.  I concur with what Dev suggests, that you seek out a GT when you can see fit to do so.  I think you'd be surprised at the results.  I never considered it or thought it would be fruitful.  It has been the best life choice I've made.  Through discussions with my therapist I discovered who I was, admitted to my strengths and weaknesses and started to feel good about myself.  A therapist will not tell you the answer, that has to come from within you.  

 

As to how others will react, I have found the vast majority to either be supporting or ambivalent.  Remember it is your life and only you get to decide what is right for you.  I understand you're married.  For me I was careful to be mindful of my spouses reaction and concerns.  That was actually good for me as it slowed me down a bit and made me think about what and why certain actions were important to me.  I ultimately made good informed decisions.  

 

What can you do in the meantime?  Wear your boxers as much as possible.  Get your hair cut a little shorter, just to see how you feel about it.  A buzz cut would be too much of a shock to you and possibly your husbands system.  Baby steps.

 

Never being into girly stuff is OK.  There are lots of women like that just as there are lots of guys that aren't into the macho male things.  What I found is that its OK to be you.  Living as a woman there is nothing I've given up from my old life that I loved doing.  My best friends say I'm the say person, just a bit nicer to be around.  

 

Being afraid of transitioning is normal as it's a life changer to be sure.  But the gender spectrum is wide and there are seats for everyone any where they choose to sit.  There are those who choose not to transition because of family.  That works for them.  If your family (i.e.spouse/kids) is supportive then make subtle changes that make you feel better but that don't upset their view of life.  Remember those around us transition with us, like it or not.   

 

Please join in the conversation here and post your observations as they are valuable.  Ask your questions and we'll do our best to address them.  There is a wealth of experience here and we're all friendly.  

 

BTW: you look great in both photos.  Based upon those two I'd be hard pressed to tell what direction you where going.  

 

Cheers, 
Jani

[Cmattison]

11 minutes ago, Jani said:

Hi and welcome aboard!  So you're scared.  That is reasonable as thinking about our gender is something this can be scary as it's not something that most people do.  The fact that you have a range of emotions over this is also normal.  I concur with what Dev suggests, that you seek out a GT when you can see fit to do so.  I think you'd be surprised at the results.  I never considered it or thought it would be fruitful.  It has been the best life choice I've made.  Through discussions with my therapist I discovered who I was, admitted to my strengths and weaknesses and started to feel good about myself.  A therapist will not tell you the answer, that has to come from within you.  

 

As to how others will react, I have found the vast majority to either be supporting or ambivalent.  Remember it is your life and only you get to decide what is right for you.  I understand you're married.  For me I was careful to be mindful of my spouses reaction and concerns.  That was actually good for me as it slowed me down a bit and made me think about what and why certain actions were important to me.  I ultimately made good informed decisions.  

 

What can you do in the meantime?  Wear your boxers as much as possible.  Get your hair cut a little shorter, just to see how you feel about it.  A buzz cut would be too much of a shock to you and possibly your husbands system.  Baby steps.

 

Never being into girly stuff is OK.  There are lots of women like that just as there are lots of guys that aren't into the macho male things.  What I found is that its OK to be you.  Living as a woman there is nothing I've given up from my old life that I loved doing.  My best friends say I'm the say person, just a bit nicer to be around.  

 

Being afraid of transitioning is normal as it's a life changer to be sure.  But the gender spectrum is wide and there are seats for everyone any where they choose to sit.  There are those who choose not to transition because of family.  That works for them.  If your family (i.e.spouse/kids) is supportive then make subtle changes that make you feel better but that don't upset their view of life.  Remember those around us transition with us, like it or not.   

 

Please join in the conversation here and post your observations as they are valuable.  Ask your questions and we'll do our best to address them.  There is a wealth of experience here and we're all friendly.  

 

BTW: you look great in both photos.  Based upon those two I'd be hard pressed to tell what direction you where going.  

 

Cheers, 
Jani

Thank you so much. I have so many questions it's crazy. My husband as I said is completely and totally supportive. My children I'm unsure how they'd feel. They are 7 and 4. I know in this moment right now, I'm convinced transitioning is for me. The problem is I have been here before...maybe not to this extent of knowing, but I was pretty sure. But all of a sudden, the dysphoria stopped. It's so crazy...I feel either 100% committed and ready to transition one day and then I feel like it's not that big of a deal a week or so later. This is for sure the longest and the most intense these feelings have been. I think my biggest concern is I'm afraid of I transition I'll miss very small parts of being a girl. And I mean very small parts. 

[Charlize]

Welcome.

 I certainly understand the feeling of the coming and then going of my gender issues.  I am a "bit" older and learned at an early age to suppress any desire i had to change gender.  Like you i got married and had a family.  I simply got on with life.  From time to time the need came back.  I finally just let go and transitioned.  Oddly i haven't had any urge to return.  There are certainly things i still enjoy that i learned as a male.  I'm  finally finding acceptance of all of me and am comfortable in myself.

It took time.  Being here has helped a great deal.  Therapy did as well perhaps simply because i was able to be open with someone who didn't see me as a freak.  

It is great that you the support of your husband.  

Try to relax and enjoy the journey.   You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[Cmattison]

Just now, Charlize said:

Welcome.

 I certainly understand the feeling of the coming and then going of my gender issues.  I am a "bit" older and learned at an early age to suppress any desire i had to change gender.  Like you i got married and had a family.  I simply got on with life.  From time to time the need came back.  I finally just let go and transitioned.  Oddly i haven't had any urge to return.  There are certainly things i still enjoy that i learned as a male.  I'm  finally finding acceptance of all of me and am comfortable in myself.

It took time.  Being here has helped a great deal.  Therapy did as well perhaps simply because i was able to be open with someone who didn't see me as a freak.  

It is great that you the support of your husband.  

Try to relax and enjoy the journey.   You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

Thanks so much. I think I really do need to talk to a therapist. I dont believe I have any gender therapists near me. I have to travel a ways. That's okay though. I'm willing to do so if it helps me figure out who I am. I just feel lost. I'm hoping that by going through the threads and talking with people here will also help me.

[Jani]

Don't feel lost.  We've all been there at one time or another.   Reading our stories you will see you are not alone.  

 

You shouldn't have an issue finding a therapist near where you are. 

Check out our Resources page.  

https://www.transgenderpulse.com

Try this link.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/md/silver-spring?sid=1527166391.234_10085 

 

Jani

[Cmattison]

Just now, Jani said:

Don't feel lost.  We've all been there at one time or another.   Reading our stories you will see you are not alone.  

 

You shouldn't have an issue finding a therapist near where you are. 

Check out our Resources page.  

https://www.transgenderpulse.com

Try this link.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/md/silver-spring?sid=1527166391.234_10085 

 

Jani

Jani, 

I have looked. The closest a therapist is to me is about 2 hours away.

 

I have been reading stories and and following in posts. They are definitely helping me come to terms with my gender identity. I guess its normal to just feel like you dont fit anywhere. 

[Jani]

19 minutes ago, Cmattison said:

I guess its normal to just feel like you dont fit anywhere. 

You will find your place.  We all do.  

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Hey, 

i have a similar issue with finding a “gender” therapist, so I was forced to find a normal therapist. She has been great! She is learning some from me, but she also has been doing her own research to help me better. So don’t necessarily get stuck on the need for a gender therapist. You just need to find the right therapist. And it is scary to start telling people outside your personal private circle for sure. But you’ve done that here already here!!!  That’s a great start!! 

As far as if transitioning is the right decision, that one is all on you. I have had similar feelings as you my whole life. I would be immersed in the thoughts of becoming the woman I am and nothing else. Then a week later I was convinced that I was crazy and it would get pushed out of my head and replaced with some other interest. But it would always come back. And the older I got, the more impactful those transition urges would get. With the help of my wife I have decided to start hrt. And feminize myself more. I still have no idea if I will socially transition or not (probably will though eventually) but it’s not a decision that I need to make yet. And neither do you. Start small. Do the things that make you feel better. Undergarments, not shaving, etc... 

 

Someone here told me it’s not about transitioning. It’s about doing as little as you need to to make yourself happy. No more no less. Just be happy being you!! And be who you want to be!!!! 

❤️Kirsten

[Cmattison]

Kirsten!! Thank you so much. I think I'm ok not medically transitioning. At least for now. I am thinking my next small step will be the haircut. The more more I think about it the more I think I'm ready to let it go. I also am okay for now keeping my transition to a small group. Knowing that I can be myself with my husband, at least for now, makes me feel more comfortable. Maybe sometime in the future if I'm really feeling more comfortable and confident I will socially transition.

[Kirsten]

That’s all you need to do! Never bite off more than you can chew. I started off that way 7 years ago with my wife. And now I’m a week into hrt. Small steps are all you need. 

It’ll all work out. ?❤️❤️

[Ravin]

Some things to consider:

 

1. Speaking as a mom to transitioned to male with 2 kids, kids are the easiest at accepting. They are going to love you no matter what. It's pretty easy to explain to them at their level, they don't have the baggage and long-held preconceptions adults do about gender.

 

2. There is no one right or wrong way to transition. You can go on being gender nonconforming and never medically transition. You can go on low dose testosterone and try it out to see if it helps you feel better and whether you are comfortable as the side effects begin. You can get top surgery without ever going on HRT. A therapist can help you sort out the best path for you as an individual.

 

3. You can take a look at those things you would actually miss about being a girl, and consider whether, upon transition, you actually have to give them up. For me, one thing was long hair. I like wearing my hair long. Early in transition, I felt like I had to give that up in order to be seen as male. But once testosterone kicked in, the shape of my face changed, I started growing a beard, my shoulders got a bit broader, etc. and I was able to comfortably grow my hair out without compromising my masculine identity. There's nothing wrong with transitioning to male and then presenting as relatively effeminate as a male if that is what you are comfortable with.

[Cmattison]

Wow...do you know how comforting it is to hear from someone that has been in a place where I currently am??? Here's the thing about my hair...I dont know that I'm particularly in need of long hair. I look at the real awesome short cuts and think of love to do it. But...then fear takes hold. What will people think of a very short cut? And then I realize if I cant even cut off my hair, there's no way I'd be able to transition. I think I've built this up so much in my head that I dont even know where to start with letting go of things. 

 

Would you suggest low dose testosterone before socially coming out?? What changes would happen on low dose HRT? I guess ove just had all these thoughts in my head for so long they've finally started bubbling up and over and I cant control my thoughts.

 

I'm envious of you for being able to take the steps to be you. Kudos!!!

[Lady Ayu]

Hai hai!! And welcome to Transpulse!!

 

It looks like many people have already given great, solid advice so having read your story and seen the replies I would just reiterate to go see a Therapist about this. We're kinda in the same boat you and I; though in my case I know I want this and the feeling doesn't really wane. We both need to go see a therapist and we're both scared; we have that one in common!! lol

To be honest, the thought of going to see a therapist is both exciting and terrifying to me but do you know what I tell myself?? If I'm gonna move forward with this, I need to do it right; and a good first step would be to talk to a professional and figure out how far we can go. sorry I couldn't add too much more to this topic but I hope it helps a little!! Looking forward to hearing from you again soon ❤️

 

~Mayumi~

[Cmattison]

Just now, Lady Ayu said:

Hai hai!! And welcome to Transpulse!!

 

It looks like many people have already given great, solid advice so having read your story and seen the replies I would just reiterate to go see a Therapist about this. We're kinda in the same boat you and I; though in my case I know I want this and the feeling doesn't really wane. We both need to go see a therapist and we're both scared; we have that one in common!! lol

To be honest, the thought of going to see a therapist is both exciting and terrifying to me but do you know what I tell myself?? If I'm gonna move forward with this, I need to do it right; and a good first step would be to talk to a professional and figure out how far we can go. sorry I couldn't add too much more to this topic but I hope it helps a little!! Looking forward to hearing from you again soon ❤️

 

~Mayumi~

Hey Mayumi,

 

Thanks so much for replying. I guess I'll be finding a therapist. I definitely need to figure this out for my sanity.

 

Good for you knowing who you are! That's amazing!!! Honestly, just talking with people that even understand my thoughts is awesome.  So though you may not have been able to add much to what's already been said, I appreciate you hoping on and saying hi! 

[Noel L.]

Be who you really are, find that. I can't relate in your scenario, I'm 15 and MTF, but if your husband really loves you, and cares, then he should have no problem with transitioning. Neither should your kids. Just be honest.

[Terry]

I can relate to your fear of making small changes like the haircut you mention. That said, I don't think testosterone (whatever dose) sounds like a good early step. I've been experimenting with small, entirely reversible things and have found that I have more than enough on my plate with them.

[Cmattison]

Thanks Terry and Noel. I wouldn't consider testosterone anytime soon. Or surgery. The other issue that I'm noticing is that I tend to obsess over things. ALOT. So over the last few day, the obsessive thoughts I've had have been hard to deal with. But I'm finally coming away from obsessing over who I am and just trying little things to make me feel "me" on any given day.