Hey there

[Ezra]

Hey. I'm Ezra. I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to put this intro, but I felt the need to go in depth about my story.

 

I'm 17 years old, AFAB, and have been questioning since age 12. I remember the exact day it hit me that I might be transgender. I, like a lot of preteens, went through an edgy phase of writing stories and making up various characters for said stories. Something that remained consistent with me, however, is that all the protagonists of my stories, all the characters that I made and focused on the most, were male. I remember drawing all of them, thinking about them, detailing them and writing them out, and I rarely incorporated female characters into my writing or art, and when I did, they were two dimensional; I never put much thought into them.

 

It was one day when I was thinking of a pose to draw one of my male characters in, and I found myself emulating that pose in real life. I just shifted my posture to fit the stance I was thinking of in my head. And that's when I realized: I'm not making all of these male characters because I think they're attractive or cool or anything, I'm making them because I want to be them. These male characters were idealized versions of myself; I wanted to be the characters I drew so much. That's what started this whole spiral of questioning.

 

I started thinking about getting short hair, wearing more androgynous clothing (already, my entire life, I loathed skirts and dresses. I stuck to shorts, jeans, and T-shirts), even changing my name. In my freshman year of high school, I crossdressed for the first time. I already have pretty tiny boobs, so I was able to look mostly flat chested with just a sports bra, so I threw one of those on, stuffed my hair into a beanie, buttoned up a flannel and put on jeans. Then I looked at myself in the mirror.

 

I almost started crying. The happiness, the exhilaration I felt at seeing myself this way was indescribable. My curves were gone, my jawline looked sharper without the long hair falling down the back of my neck, and I just looked so... good, so much better than how I had ever seen myself before. I sent a picture of myself to my friend, and she was shocked; she kept telling me how good I looked, even asked if I could crossdress and go to the mall with her to be her date - which, looking back on it, probably wasn't the best response, but I took it as a very high compliment.

 

I continued to have these feelings throughout high school, and in junior year, I cut my hair boy short, and it helped immensely with my self esteem. I felt so much more myself; with long hair, I always felt like I was in drag, but after that I felt like I was actually me. And so now, here I am; about to go into college, still questioning since that day I realized I was relating to these fictional guys,  and becoming more open about who I am. That's why I chose to register on this forum. I want to explore my masculine identity; I'm not sure if I'm entirely FtM, but I do think I'm probably androgyne, or transmasculine. I just ask that I be referred to with he/him pronouns.

 

I'm not out to anyone in real life yet. I know most people in my life would probably be okay with me, but this is such a big thing to comprehend about myself, and I'm so uncertain; I don't know if I'm just a girl with an unusually strong connection to her masculine side, or if I really am a man; or if I'm somewhere in between. 

 

I just hope that I'm discerning myself correctly, and I'm not just mistaking being a tomboy for being a real man. 

 

But, yeah, so that's me.

[tracy_j]

Hi Ezra,

 

Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to read, write and generally join in. There are many friendly people here with a wealth of experience. Take you time to understand where you sit and where you may be going. Understanding yourself is a big step, and takes time. Being in the right atmospere helps. The gender spectrum is wide and people can sit anywhere on it or even move around. In your teens epecially, you are finding your place in the world, but gender wise there are many here of all ages with your feelings. It's good to question. Far better than living in sadness wondering what if!

 

It's nice to have you here

 

Tracy

[SugarMagnolia]

Welcome, Ezra!

You should feel free to be who you are now and also to change as you see fit. Have fun exploring and learning. It sounds like you already are! You're also a great writer...your description of seeing yourself as masculine made me tear up a bit. Seeing yourself that way for the first time is kind of overwhelming isn't it?

Thanks for sharing your story!

[Jani]

Hello Ezra and welcome!  It sounds like you've done a bit of personal exploration in an effort to discover you.  Great!  When you get to college you might look into whether there is an LGBTIQ+ organization you can link up with.  Talking with other like minded folks in person is helpful in revealing who we are, as you see other "flavors" of life.  It really doesn't matter if you're trans masculine, FtM or in between.  Find the space where you are comfortable.  Please join in the conversation here when you can and share more of your story.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Guest]

The feeling "I want to be one of them" is common to all of us. Followed by the conviction that, "I am one of them." That's when the therapist can be most helpful in helping us sort out thoughts about these things out.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Ezra,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've joined!

 

Feel free to check the forums out and ask questions. Join in the conversation. You're not alone here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Ezra]

Thank you all for the wonderfully kind welcomes! 

[Julie J]

Hi Ezra. I am so glad you posted your insightful message. The clarity and honesty of your story touched me deeply. At 17 I was busy self destructing with booze and drugs as I ran away from my truth. Please be brave and know you are not alone. You are facing your challenges and no matter what you decide do not be afraid. I allowed fear to guide my life for so many years and after a couple of false starts 37 years ago, I am confident and happy with who I am and where I am going in my journey of transition. There is so much support available for us today and I recommend you take full advantage of the support available in your area. You will meet others like yourself and become a happier, more confident person, whoever that person is. Please keep posting and sharing your journey. I'm a fan, young man. Have a great life! 

High five! 

Cheers, 

Julie J 

[Annie]

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome, Ezra!