Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What am I?


Katie

Recommended Posts

That's such an excellent question.

 

Here's my story.

 

I had no dyspohria growing up at all. 

I liked to wear tights and knickers around 13-16 buy I that was solely for sexual purposes.

I did put on foundation once at around 13 and got caught which I played off as dirt.

I never liked dolls and I built dens and climbed trees.

 

I'm 34 now and in my late 20's I dreamt of how I would look as a female, I was 30 when I bought my first dress and makeup kit and instantly realised that I want to look like that all the time. 

 

So after a few years passed and a relationship came and went, I decided to say "f it" and go full on. Full body shave,  wig, makeup, knickers, bra, dress, heels and I liked it.

There was nothing sexual about it, I just loved how I looked.

 

So that got me thinking, okay I'm a crossdresser and that's okay.

 

So I keep on looking and from what I can see is crossdressers are happy to dress up female for whatever reason but have a desire to be men and still think they are male.

 

I just want to be able to wear dresses and makeup and a wig when I want to with no stigma attached.

 

In the last few years I have gone from not caring at all about my gender to strongly hating how I look as a man.

 

I'm a tad overweight and I hear guys tell me I should do weights and get muscular. But I don't want to be muscular, I want to have a female body and a female face and no body hair.

I don't want to have a square jaw and a big penis, I want a cute face and as for my penis,  well honestly I hold no special attachment to it. 

It pees, it brings me pleasure from masturbating and sex but if it was gone in the morning and I had a vagina then I am happy with that.

 

So why my confusion? 

1. NO dysphoria growing up at all.

 

2. The dysphoria I have now is solely down to my body image and nothing mental. 

I am a huge mental mess but I LIKE who I am and I do not want to change that.

 

In my ideal world, I would wake up tomorrow with a woman body with exactly the same brain I have now. 

 

I know I need to speak to specialists and stuff and private ones are too expensive and the UK waiting list is longer than my arm.

 

So, I'm asking you lovely lot...what the hell am I? :)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

  First of all i would be like a little finger on that long arm of the medical system's list.  It may be that the wait will grow totally frustrating but it doesn't hurt to be in line.

I had spent many days living as myself in area where i wouldn't be seen by friends or relatives.  as i did that i found a great deal of comfort in simply being myself.  when i finally began to tell some friends i was ready for  that process.  Eventually i found this site.  prior to that the only sites i had seen on the internet seemed to be aimed at some form of sexual exploitation which simply wasn't for me.

  I was told to go to therapy.  Share here and perhaps most importantly that i wasn't alone.  It has taken time to accept myself.  I may not have the perfect woman's body or perfect man's mind but the mixture i've found is who i am and i am accepting that today with a peace i had never thought possible.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
25 minutes ago, Katie said:

So, I'm asking you lovely lot...what the hell am I? :)

 

Short answer, Human,

 

Honestly nobody can tell you who or what you are from a few paragraphs of text over the Internet. Having said that...

 

From what you wrote, I can say you are probably experiencing later in life onset of Gender Dysphoria, it can be a real problem,  it can get worse and lead to depression or other more serious conditions if untreated. So what can you do about it ? All the things you already mentioned. It can be treated medically (that's the way I went). Gender Dysphoria often can have 2 main elements to it, social and body. Sounds like you are experiencing body dysphoria from what you wrote, but don't forget about social role dysphoria. Social role gender dysphoria can be just as nasty, like trying to live as a man when you are not, it's the worst. Finding peace with one's self is what we all strive for, to resolve the dissonance, to find harmony in the world with our existence. It takes time to resolve these things, it takes actions, not just words. There is no shame in exploring one's self in these topics. We are bombarded with gendered messages when forming our view of the world, it's up to you to sort through this noise, to find what works for you on the spectrum.

 

Wishing you peace

 

Cyndi

Link to comment
Guest Rachel Gia

Although I have had dysphoria from the young age of 9 and started to obsess about transitioning at 14 I have found from being on this forum and the trans community in Vancouver, my profile in that regards is only a sliver of the community I have come to know.

The only thing that my early knowledge might have given me was that I was never required to see a gender therapist. It was obvious who I was so I was moved along without a fuss even though I was not presenting overtly.

Cheers Rachel Gia

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 120 Guests (See full list)

    • EasyE
    • Lorelei
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • EasyE
      So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"   I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.   I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."   Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...   I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...   All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all!    EasyE
    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...