Feeling Optomistic

[Aro]

Today was a busy day of yard work and home cleaning as my half-sister and her boyfriends are coming down to stay with us for a month until their home is ready, In the morning i felt like -crap-. My binders weren't quite doing their job well enough and the outline of my body was really irking me. I did not feel like me, i felt like this weird zombified half version of me but whatever, i was just gonna be cleaning mystery foods from the fridge that would be so fuzzed over you couldn't tell what it was and dog poop from the yard. As i headed out into the backyard in some work boots and cargo shorts something felt good? I'm not sure how to describe it and it's not like girls can't do heavy duty backyard work but as i was raking and cleaning and digging it felt amazing. I felt free and like a man lifting up wood and making a compost area for my mother's garden and hauling around heavy bags filled to the brim with plastic bits that my dog had chewed into tiny chunks around the yard. I began to fantasize a bit about the idea of being a father and a husband and building a cool little playhouse for my son or daughter or in between if they happened to by chance be non-binary and the idea of the words in general. Thinking of having a bunch of snakes and reptiles and having my kid help me out and calling me dad as we worked together to clean out the enclosures and my wife or husband calling me their husband to family members. Something about it felt so right and as i tried to make the mental switch to mother and mom and wife it didn't feel as good. I couldn't picture myself as those things.

 

As i finished up the yard my parent's sister and i headed off to Walmart to grab some bug spray for the yard. I was wearing just an old sweater and some cargo shorts and shoes and headed out the door thinking i looked like -crap- until i caught myself in the reflection of the car. I was flat chested and my jaw looked particularly square, my fingers brown and stained from working in the mud and i smiled. A small smile of course but one none the less as another word popped into my head. Boy. Brother came to mind as i sat beside my sister, my legs thick with hair that i now see as fortunate since i'm not trying to shave like i had been before. I was more confident walking around that Walmart looking like a hot sweaty mess than i had ever been in booty shorts and a halter top before.I trudged behind my dad the word son popping into mind as i carried the heavy container of bug spray out to the car. 

 

I was content but the real kicker was about thirty minutes ago. I was tired and heading to bed and i stepped into the bathroom with this t-shirt and usually, t-shirts suck because outlines and dysphoria but as I peeked into the mirror i realized either i had bought the shirt too big or my binder was really doing it's job because i was completely flat chested. It was almost like my breasts weren't even there. I strutted around a bit with this new found flatness being extremely happy with my ability to look semi muscular although i never work out and i was ecstatic. It felt right. I felt like a teen boy, not an awkward in between. I don't get a ton of days where i actually love how i look but in accepting that i'm most likely transgender i've felt more confident than ever especially after coming out to a dear online friend of mine whose first response was. "Alright then, do you want he/him pronouns now?" without even batting an eye at the revelation. 

 

I feel like i want to come out, though i won't right now just yet i'm sure it'll come soon and then i can really start the road to being who i am. Now a new word has popped into my head. Optimistic.

[SugarMagnolia]

That sounds so good, Aro! Those moments of seeing ourselves and having it look right are great, and the moments of feeling ourselves and envisioning a future where we get to be who we know ourselves to be is amazing!

It's great that your friend was so supportive and natural. Those moments of affirmation are priceless. Sounds like you had a great day all in all. May tomorrow bring another one!

Julie

[Kirsten]

I love days like that Aro. When everything just clicks and you feel confident in who you are. It’s like I know I don’t necessarily look “good” and I’m sure I’ve looked a hundred times better to the public in my boy mode, but even so you get that confidence in yourself. And that confidence is so reaffirming to me. 

I am happy you had that day! There will be many more to come I’m sure. Here’s to the future!! 

Kirsen. 

[Cyndee]

Good for you Aro ! It's just like replacing Gender Dysphoria with Gender Euphoria ?

 

Cyndi -

[BrandiBri]

I agree with everyone here. The feeling of looking and feeling right is priceless. I like the term "gender Euphoria" 

 

Brandi

[Jani]

Congratulations on a wonderful time just being you!  It certainly feels good.

 

Jani