I'm pretty sure I'm genderfluid but would like some tips/advice

[Cmattison]

Hey everyone, I need some help/advice. I am pretty sure I'm genderfluid. I seem to fluctuate between being Male and female. The problem I have is that when i am Male, i have extreme dysphoria. As I've stated before I haven't come out. And seeing as I'm still so confused about myself, coming out is the last thing I want to do. I want to know who I am so I can be certain when answering questions and concerns from friends and family. 

 

So how do I feel better when I'm Male and have dysphoria without coming out??? As I said before I already where more Male clothing most of the time. And I've started wearing boxers a lot. I do wear a sports bra to flatten my chest and am hoping to get a binder soon. But the haircut, never happened as I am terrified! And I'd love to wear my packer when I'm Male but not sure how I'd explain that to people since I'm not open about this yet. And as I said earlier....a huge part of my dysphoria is my lack of facial hair....I wear my fake beard around my house when it's just me and my husband but I'd love to be able to wear it out....but, again, how do you explain that??? My dysphoria seems to be extreme when I'm Male, and I dont know how to handle that....

 

Does anyone else have similar feelings? What do you do on those extremely dysphoric days? How do you cope with the feelings? I almost cut off all my hair in a pixie, and now the thought of cutting my hair terrifies me. I know this is a lot and I'm sorry for that. 

 

I am going to talk to a gender therapist soon. Simply because I want and need someone who can help me understand myself and my gender better. But in the mean time, anyone who is in a similar situation who could talk with me or give me advice would be amazing. I've been going crazy. On days where I am not feeling Male, I question if I really was dysphoric. But those feelings are so intense that I know they're real. They just aren't as intense some days.

 

Again, sorry it's so long and possibly hard to understand. My thoughts are all over the place.

[Cmattison]

Just now, MaryMary said:

I have those extremely dysphoric days too. I have no major tips to give, I just avoid mirror and reflexions. I try to find clothes and ways to dress that I feel super comfortable in. I save those for days like this. I try to do something else, advance a project or something to try to think about something else. I love programmation so I dust off my c++ compiler and just "work". I like to play video games too, I think that those are especially good to disconnect a little. But my truth is that there's no magic cure for dysphoria. I never found it to be totally honest. I was in a depression for 20 years and no amount of anything fixed it till transition. A gender therapist might be a very good idea. It helped me a lot. My gender therapist was trying to put words in my mouth saying that I don't like masculine stuff and that I'm at odds with my masculinity but that's not true. I'm a little like you, I love both and I'm trying not to see anything trough the spectrum of gender anymore. To me trans means physical stuffs and other then that I'm trying to free myself of that. I don't mean it as a disrespect to anybody. I'm just being honest. Sometimes just sharing help so don't hesitate to write all of this if it makes you feel good

 

Thanks. I guess I should stop questioning and just go with how I feel each day. I just feel as though my dysphoria has been getting more intense and harder to deal with. Like, I'm either in need of transitioning and being Male, or I'm just okay being me. I wouldn't say I'm happy being female. As I said, no matter how I feel, i wish i could have facial hair. I actually get jealous of men's beards. I'm just scared and I think it's mostly because I feel like I dont know myself, and I'm terrified of realizing that maybe transitioning will be the only thing to help, but coming out isnt something I think I can do.

[Jani]

First, if your therapist tries to put words in your mouth, find another.  They might parrot back what you've said to be sure they understand but they shouldn't plant ideas.  

 

It's certainly OK to feel right when you are female and again when you are male.  Life is a spectrum and we all (cis and Trans) move back and forth throughout the days and weeks.  I would reconsider the haircut to maybe a trim "some off" as a start to get a reality check.  It will grow back, though from the sounds of your words I doubt you would let it.  The only way you'll obtain a beard is through testosterone and there are other changes that come with it, so think carefully.  (voice, acne, weight) I think the sooner you start a discussion with a GT the clearer your mind will get.    

 

Jani

[Cmattison]

Just now, Jani said:

First, if your therapist tries to put words in your mouth, find another.  They might parrot back what you've said to be sure they understand but they shouldn't plant ideas.  

 

It's certainly OK to feel right when you are female and again when you are male.  Life is a spectrum and we all (cis and Trans) move back and forth throughout the days and weeks.  I would reconsider the haircut to maybe a trim "some off" as a start to get a reality check.  It will grow back, though from the sounds of your words I doubt you would let it.  The only way you'll obtain a beard is through testosterone and there are other changes that come with it, so think carefully.  (voice, acne, weight) I think the sooner you start a discussion with a GT the clearer your mind will get.    

 

Jani

Thanks Jani!

 

I know about the other things with HRT. I'd be okay with all of the changes. But as you said, it's not something I'm even close to considering. I still need to figure out who I am. You've been extremely helpful everytime you've answered me and I really appreciate that. 

[jae bear]

I can definitely sympathize with how you feel, I’ve had periods of my life where I was just fine with myself the way I was born, granted that was a short period in time when my life was amazing, and the rest of it I felt pretty much the way I do now but I do have a litmus test, I’ve constantly throughout my life asked myself just one thing, if you could wake up tomorrow whatever gender you felt like you needed to be, what would you choose? If every single morning you have the same answer then maybe there’s no fluidity, but if that honestly changes then there Definitely could be fluidity that needs more time and understanding for you to come to terms with. The idea of a gender therapist is the best I can possibly offer from personal experience, this is a treat to yourself, you deserve it, do not worry that your splurging, as long as you can feed yourself keep the lights on and not endanger others around you the idea of having a gender therapist is something that you should strongly consider, I highly recommend it as I just absolutely love seeing mine, it is the highlight of my week!

Hugs,

Jae

[Cmattison]

Jae,

 

I do actually ask myself this question quite often, and I come up with the answer that I'd love to be Male. If I woke up and my voice was deeper and I had the flat chest and the body hair/facial hair I'd feel good. If I didnt have to worry about other people around me and just be me, I'd be happy. This is ESPECIALLY true, obviously on my extremely dysphoric days. But, even on my "okay in my body" days, I'd still be happy if I woke up Male. 

 

I guess I get confused because there are so many terms and labels. It's not that im trying to label myself, im just trying to figure myself out.

 

Thanks Jae. It feels good talking to other people. I was nervous to come back and talk about this because just a week or so ago I was 95% sure I was trans. And now today I'm only 50% sure. It's hard for me to understand and be accepting of myself.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi,

I can relate to the wave like aspect of wanting to present as trans and then it seemingly going away.

I used to call them my periods in private and them happening became familiar and not a surprise.

I look at myself as being transgender but have taken flack for being too gender fluid in the way I present but those issues are the issues of the people who are commenting to me on them.

I think when my transition doctor said that there was doubt that I was non binary but I would have dig a little deeper as per name change and presenting more and more often that I had to ask myself a lot of questions. The biggest one was whether or not I wanted the world to know that I had wanted to transition since I was 14 and that I never felt comfortable being male.

Being trans for me is about 'not being turbo cis' in that I do not and cannot buy into the 'old guard' defined normative of male and female in our society.

One of the people who have led the way for me is a young trans man who always states his preferred pronoun as 'he' but keeps his hair long and wears earrings. There are more concerns is regards to HRT with transmen as per the risk of pattern baldness and facial hair and having to shave every day.

One thing I seldom hear discussed is having a family and how HRT plays in that regard particularly for transmen.

I just think one can be trans without all the bells and whistles that come with it and even these could become a defined normative of what is trans if we let them and then where would we be.

I felt the same way as you do and we have to let our inner selves come out is all I can say.

Much Love to you and your partner

Rachel

Vancouver BC