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Elyssia

Im just no good

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Elyssia

I hate life, i hate being me. I just feel like im just a worthless waste of space. 

I have no friends, zero social life because of anxiety depression and other mental health issues. 

What is the point of staying alive when everything is so bad. 

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MaryEllen

I wouldn't say that you're a waste of space. You are worth just as much as anyone else on this planet, even more so than many I could think of. For what it's worth, you have many friends here and I would include myself in that assessment, if you'll have us.  Have you talked with a doctor about this depression you're in? There are many medications available. Surely, there must be some combination that would work for you.

Tell me, what would it take for you to have a happy life?   Is there anything that you enjoy doing? Hobbies, crafts, physical activities? What's to prevent you from doing things you enjoy?  Do you have any pets? Dog, cat,etc. Pets can be wonderful companions that can ease that feeling of being alone.

Have you spoken with a therapist about this depression you're in?  They really can help if you'll let them.

Do you belong to the chat here? If so, sign in and ask to talk to one of the supervisors or crisis mods. Just talking about your problems can be a big help.

Just know that we're here for you and we care.

 

MaryEllen

 

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Carolyn Marie

Elyssia, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down.  We all go through that sometimes, some of us go through it often.  It is quite a common thing among all people, and especially trans folk, because of the stress most of us are under, the difficulties we face, and the all-too-common lack of support.

 

MaryEllen has some great suggestions, and some very good questions for you.  I want to reinforce one thing she said that is so true; you are among friends here.  Even though we don't know you well (yet), please believe me when I say that we, and I, care about you and your welfare.  We understand what you're going through, and many of us have been where you are.

 

If you can, I strongly suggest you log into Chat, because our Chat Mods can talk about things with you in real time, and they are pros who know how to help in a crisis.  Often, just talking things over can bring a sense of relief and of belonging, knowing that someone empathetic is on the other end of that phone or keyboard.

 

There are many good online and phone help lines, some of which are staffed by trans folk.  Here are a couple of them:

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/get-help

Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

We'll get you through this, Elyssia.  Things can and do get better.

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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VickySGV

I am a member of a Transgender voices chorus here where I live, and one song that is in our standard repertory is one called You Have More Friends Than You Know and one line says "You have more friends than you know, some who surround you, some you are destined to meet and goes on in a few sections to say "don't give up, take it slow those who love you the most may need more time to grow". 

 

If my friends in the chorus were to be looking at you while all 38 of them were singing, you would see in their eyes that they do love you and would be your friends readily and without question.  Three years ago none of us knew each other, and today we are chosen family who know of each other's pain  and celebrate each others successes while cooperating with others in service to other young people who like you have lost hope or have been the targets of bullying.  My friends who would be yours as well are singing for you even a third of the world away. 

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BrandiBri

Ellyssia, you are among friends here, people who have been in the same situation as you and come through the tough times stronger than ever. I am on the verge of tears after reading your post because I believe that all life is precious and that no one is a "worthless waste of space". I personally have never thought of suicide so I really can''t add any thing to what's already been said. But we, and I care about you and your well being.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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BrandiBri

Wow, Vicky, that is one beautiful song! 

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Elyssia

Ive been to see the doctor about depression and also tried many antidepressants all of which did nothing to help me feel any better. 

I've lost interest in any hobbies and all the things that i used to do. 

My marriage is a disaster, my wife recently discovered some of my clothes and to say that she has been unsupportive is a massive understatement. I already hate myself already and being called sicko and freak and other things is the worst thing ever. 

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tracy_j

I look and wonder as, similar to many here, I have had similar issues. Maybe you should try a different outlook Elyssia. I know being called such names hurts. I have been, and perhaps still am with some people, in a similar position. That was not directly though any concious trans thinking, but more plain bullying. I have always thought as I do and live with it. I am a rebel though so rather than put up with it I brush things off, or have in the past reacted strongly when pushed. One of the funniest experiences I have had was when a family group in front of me in the queue in Next (father, mother and daughter) gave amused smiles when they saw me (earlier days, and I was buying a womans coat. I cannot get upset with anyone who comes across a situation or someone they don't initially understand and react with a momentary instinctive expression). The father then picked up a womans hat from a nearby stand, put it on and made ridiculous poses. You should have seen the glare from mother and daughter. His face crashed! I could have said it was a bad experience, but it was not. I had not inwardly laughed so much in ages, and I still find it funny. From one angle all such experiences will seem bad. Try looking at things from different viewpoints. Steadily build your confidence. That way most people will repect you, even if they don't understand.

 

Tracy

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MaryEllen

Elyssia, I'd like to ask a question, if I may.    Is this depressive state recent or has it been going on for long term?

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Elyssia

Long term, a very long time. 20 years maybe even longer. 

To be honest i don't really remember many happy times at all 

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Charlize

Elyssia i remember the first time my wife found my clothes.  Like you i felt a terrible guilt.  The world seemed only hostile. The immediate terror passed but i was miserable.  

  I also tried anti depressants and while they helped i wasn't "happy".  As i began to deal with an addiction to alcohol i slowly started to face my issues including those concerning gender.  When i found this site and saw that others had lived through what i had i felt connected.  I found the support i needed to change and grow.  

  Please understand that you are not alone.  We are here to help as we can and despite being on the other side of the pond you have a friend in me and others here.

  Please reach out and get help and know your not alone.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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MaryEllen
2 hours ago, Elyssia said:

Long term, a very long time. 20 years maybe even longer. 

To be honest i don't really remember many happy times at all 

Wow! That is a long time.  And you say that nothing you've tried has helped?  Have you become so complacent and resigned yourself to this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life?  It doesn't have to be this way. This pattern can be broken but you've got to make the effort to do it. If you would only change your perspective, it could be done. 

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Elyssia

All the things ive tried don't seem to help, I've tried about 7 different antidepressants, I've try therapy with 3 different people. I don't find talking therapy helped me, there's so many issues that i am trying to deal with as well as the gender ones. 

Everything feels hopeless and I just feel like I should never have been born. 

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MaryEllen

Are you not willing to try? If not, I'm afraid you're in for a miserable rest of your life. Can't you at least make an effort to break out of this pattern?

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MaryMary

Elyssia, I've been in your situation. In fact at 32 years old I decided to get help and one fine day, I'll remember it all my life, I rediscovered what it was to be "happy" : "so that's how they feel when they say they love life" It was the first time since the start of puberty really. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to get help.

 

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. My problem was that I am transgender and I have a lot of dysphoria and a little like you all the medication were not working. Maybe they could find out, with your help, what you can do?

 

There's people here for you, you just found friends here :D That's a good start. One step at a time. One problem at a time.

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MaryMary

some time it's a question of perspective too. I've been to a lot of doctors in my teenage years and they were searching for clues that I could be intersex and stuff like that. It was not the right perspective to discover the real problem. Don't forget that it's not because one professional can't help you that they will all be the same. After the intersex thing I've gone trough years of depressions. One day I decided to get help (once more) and I went to see a psychologist for PTSD and that lead me to a gender therapist. Everything is a question of perspective. Sometimes you don't look at the problem the right way.

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Elyssia

I keep trying different things Mary Ellen. Im struggling to find what to try. I have an appointment booked with a psychiatrist in August and i seeing the mental health team in my area. 

I don't know how to break out of this pattern. 

I wish there wasn't so many things to address, such as the zero confidence, anxiety, self esteem, and the neglecting childhood with drunk parents. The abusive marriage, bullying, mental and emotional and sexual abuse. The emotional and mental difficulties and social anxiety , and that's before i start on the shame the guilt the dysphoria and everything that comes with being trans

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VickySGV
10 minutes ago, Elyssia said:

, and the neglecting childhood with drunk parents.

 

My suggestion from reading just this little snip would be to find a chapter / meeting of either ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) or CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) since those things are in their ball park.  You will have shared many life experiences with them, and their tradition of being good and available friends will take care of that issue for you.  I was also the victim of emotional neglect for many reasons including family alcohol abuse issues.  It would be stop-gap until you do see your psychiatrist, but you might find out that they will recommend those programs as community resources for you. 

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MaryEllen

I can see why you're overwhelmed by all that's going on. So much so that you're paralyzed into inactivity.  You need to break this pattern. Pick one thing that you'd like to change and start working on it. Put all other issues out of your mind and just work on that one thing. If you can do this, it'll be a good step in the right direction. If you can conquer this first step, start to work on another, then another, then another. Address your concerns one step at a time. If you will do this, you can break out of this self destructive funk you are in. If you will do this, you will be able to head to a happier life. If you are not willing to do this, I don't see much hope for you.

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Elyssia

Its not a case of not being willing its not having the knowledge of how to instigate these changes and overcome all the fears that come with changes. The fear of change and things getting worse because i try to change things as past events haven't gone well. 

I just feel like a pathetic loser

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Kirsten

I 100% agree with the finding 1 thing that you don’t like and try to fix that. I might add that you should start with something more on the simple side. If you can focus on the one issue it will allow you to have full control over it. And hopefully boost your confidence some with each positive step you take. Trying to fix everything at once is impossible. 

For me that was my parental issues. The hurt and abuse I endured was obviously wrong. So once I learned how to “cope” with it I was able to focus on more self related issues. 

I hope you can figure out where to start. That’s going to be a tough part of your journey. But one I think you can find your way through. Small steps. Honesty. And treating yourself well. 

Kirsten

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ChickenLittle

Hi Elyssia, 

 

The pain you're feeling really comes through in your writing. I don't have suggestions to offer but I've been there and I know how exhausting it is to be depressed. Often times it feels like too much effort to get out of bed, which leaves you feeling like anything beyond that is impossible. Like you, I spent the first 20+ years of my life feeling depressed and borderline suicidal due to neglectful parenting and abusive relationships. I went through so many therapists and didn't feel better. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but what I have to offer is that it's possible to come through this depression on the other side and to feel okay, even good, being alive. I think that what it takes to get there is different for everybody, but your situation isn't hopeless. For me, an important piece was setting a routine and sticking to it no matter what. That meant getting up and going to bed at certain times, eating meals at certain times, and going on a walk at a certain time, even if I didn't feel like it. That helped me take care of my basic needs when I was too depressed to care about myself. And you're doing a good job reaching out for help. You're among friends here and many of us understand what it's like. Keep talking to us and know that we care!  

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jae bear

 Hi Elyssia,

 So many here have suggested great things that do help, I have personally exercised many of the suggestions and my life is much improved for it. I also know the pain of being found out, I had no intention of coming out one night but it just happened so I very much can identify with how that might feel for you. Chicken little made some very good points, sometimes just getting out of bed is almost an impossible task, and pushing through a day seems like the minutes pass like hours. The suggestion that you develop a routine is the only thing that’s gotten me through, I don’t know that I realized I was actively doing it but it is certainly the pattern I have followed, getting up at a specific time, following my routine throughout the day, coming home and eating at a specific time then going to work out in the evening whether I want to or not has done a great deal to lift me. I also felt precisely the way you did, I had no friends who understood me, even though I had a therapist, actually two therapists and went to group meetings, the lack of friends left me without a sounding board to speak openly. I can only say that spending much time here and talking with the wonderful people who helped me along the way was the best start to the process of having friends that I have ever had, you can find friends if you look hard, sometimes they just come to you when you need them most...  I also lost interest in my hobbies, I wasn’t working very hard, well to be honest I was barely doing my job, and for the first 8 months of transition I was just barely existing. There have been some radical changes in my life all of which were filled with stress, and I certainly thought it would bring me down entirely, but when I thought I was at my lowest point I seem to have turned a corner, and all of the things that have been suggested to you have been the things that helped me through, then some new found friends managed to pull me up, dust me off and keep me going. I must also say that my little tiny wiener dog gives me someone to take care of who does not berate me or yell at me or call me names, he’s just happy I’m there and I love that little guy, if you have the ability to have a small pet it is often a wonderful improvement in one’s life.  Please remember we are all here for you, I heard that so many times from others and was uncertain of its meaning, but just lately I realize that is so much more true than I could have possibly imagined, these are wonderful people and you can reach out any time. I know everything looks bleak right now, I have been there myself, But you can get through it, think about the one thing that might be the most important part of your life and focus on that for just a little while, as others have suggested, pick the one thing you want to improve, or the one thing that matters to you and do it... even if you feel like you can’t get up to put on your own socks.

Big hug,

Jae

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Elyssia

I do have my routines already that I stick to, i go to work, i do my job, i cook meals walk the dog, go to the supermarket. It's all just robotic just doing things because i have to do them. 

Everyone writes really articulate and long replies and i can barely write more than a few sentences until my mind gets overloaded and I simply not able to write down what I feel. 

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jae bear

 Oh Elyssia,  I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down, I really can understand, I’ve been having a rough patch myself but I can only tell you I got through it by talking with everyone here, I’m just now barely squeaking out of the tail of this rough patch and moving out into my own apartment in the middle of a divorce from my wife that I absolutely love, but at least I’m still moving along and I’m sure you can do the same, it’s not easy but you have to be strong. I know I’ve heard others say these very things to me and in the back of my mind I keep saying,  “you have no idea how hard this is for me”, although now I’m saying the same words to you and I know that I mean them and I know that you can do it. It’s good that you have your routines, but you need to do something for yourself too, just one thing you could focus on to make yourself feel better. One of the things I really enjoy is going to the trans women group meeting here locally every second and fourth Friday of the month. It really is a special thing for me to get to go out and talk with the girls then go to pizza afterwards, even if I’m just going in boy mode since I haven’t had anything from the women’s department in my closet in 17 years. I’m Rather jealous that you have a closet of nice things for yourself, I’m hoping to have the same in another month or two... Sweetie I know you can pull up out of this, right now it’s really tough when you’re really down, I truly understand, there were five days in a row I could hardly get off the floor and stop crying, I know what it’s like to have a spouse that calls you names and is mean to you, trust me when I say  that I can really empathize with your position. The one good thing I can say is that you are reaching out, maybe you don’t write a lot of sentences in one post right now, but honey you’re doing it, you’re writing back and you’re communicating, that’s something and you should be proud of it. I can remember being so stressed out I couldn’t even spell check my post, and they were completely erratic and I don’t believe they were very long, so I get where you’re coming from. We’re all here for you, I am here for you along side everyone else, and we’re pulling for you too. One of the things that really got me through was the member poetry section, I was never much for poetry but when I was down so low I couldn’t see sideways I wrote several poems in a row and they flowed like water, there was something incredibly cathartic about the writing of a poem. And don’t worry if it’s good bad or indifferent, my poems are the most terrible things you’ll probably ever read, and the form is just dismal, but they got me out of a dark place and meant something on the page, Maybe they would for you too. I also very much enjoyed reading a good book lately, I read Jenny Boylan’s ‘she’s not there’, I got it on Amazon for a good price and it was a fantastic read, I found so many parallels inside my life when I thought I was completely different than everyone else, now I realize we all share this very similar thing but we all have our own path, and sweetie you have your own path too and you’re going to make it even though right now it looks like you couldn’t crawl across the floor to pick up your own glasses. Just keep the communication with us going, I promise it will get better.

Hugs,

Jae

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