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Elyssia

Im just no good

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BrandiBri

Honey, I think we have all been afraid to admit to ourselves the very things that will set us free. We all have our own demons that we have to deal with and as long as you let them control you you will never get better. You need to confront your demons and take control of your own life. Only by doing so will you find happiness.

Hugs,

Brandi

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Elyssia

I don't know how to find happiness, all that i feel is despair. 

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BrandiBri

Honey, I believe that no matter how bad a situation is there is a silver lining at the end. An example, the other day i was involved in an accident, bad situation,my fault, even worse, but the other driver is transgender as am I. There was no hard feelings on either side and in fact we are going to have coffee together tomorrow to get to know each other better. I have found a friend even though it was for the wrong reason. I don't recommend that tactic to find friends however, but I hope you get my point. Your situation may be bleak, but view it  as an opportunity to find a good outcome. I hope that makes sense.

Remember that we are here for you, that we are pulling for you, but sweetheart, you have got to help if you want to turn your life around. If you are not willing to do that, there is nothing that we can do to help you.

Hugs,

Brandi

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Charlize

As i mentioned before making a gratitude list helped me.  I'd love to see you post just two things that you are grateful for, or even a couple of things you'd be grateful for if you felt better.  Give it a try.

We can help to pull ourselves out of depression by making small steps.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Robin Winter

Maybe the routines are part of the problem.  Try a change of scenery, try something new, new hobby, new people, something to change the landscape of your life.

I've been suffering depression, as well as other issues, for at least as long as you have, maybe longer.  What keeps me going is that I push myself to expand my life.  I find new things to be passionate about.  Sometimes it's in my private life, sometimes it's as public as I'm capable of getting.  In the past few years I've gone from deactivating my facebook a few times a month and hiding away from everything, to joining the admin teams of facebook groups that represent over 30,000 people.  It's given me a sense of purpose.

In my private life I've made it a personal challenge to try new foods as often as possible.  It's a silly thing, but it adds color to my life. (FYI, fresh dragonfruit is fabulous.  If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend)

I've learned to make pickles and can food (My pickled Jalapeno's kick storebought's butt, jes' sayin)

When all else fails, I shop.  Shopping is a quick burst of excitement that makes things just a little better for a short time.  Even better is shopping online, because then  you have that period of anticipation.

All small things, but if you incorporate a whooooole lot of small things that make your world bigger, well that's a big thing.

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Elyssia

My mood has really sunk today. I really can't think of 2 things that im grateful for. I can't even open my mind enough to think about 2 things that I might be grateful for. I had a bad night with not enough sleep and having nightmares. I don't have the time energy or motivation to try new hobbies and i don't do anything on social media, im hated enough in the miniscule social circle i have,i don't need anymore of that. 

Shopping is not great either seeing things that i can't afford or clothes that i might like but can't wear because they are womens :(

Having suicidal thoughts, sorry 

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Charlize

It is up to you to make a step towards life.  All i can say as a person who has been where you are is that it is possible to live a life beyond your wildest dreams.  Get help.  I'm grateful you are at least posting here.  The internet is amazing!  Today i'll work on an addition to our sugar house after i do chores with the goats and guardian dog.

Please keep coming.  I was once told: "We will love you until you can love yourself".  I'm passing that on to you.

 

Big Hugs from across the pond,

 

Charlize

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Robin Winter

Let me put it to you this way.  You're in a forum called Suicide Prevention.  As rough as you are feeling, there's a part of you that wants to hang on.  Don't let that part go.  My examples were just examples, the suggestion was simply to expand your world.  That could be as simple as going for a walk or a sit in the garden and just really stop and notice your surroundings.  Look at the leaves, the insects, notice the details with all of your senses.  Get out of the rut.  I know the rut.  I'm very intimate with the rut.  The rut is not your friend.

I sincerely doubt anyone hates you, but I understand that feeling.  What I can say for certain is that *I* don't hate you, and like it or not, I'm now part of your social circle. 

As much as I really hate to say it this way, you have to be willing to try.  I sincerely wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel OK, but that isn't an option.  You need to grasp at the ropes, you need to find your fireflies, your points of light in the darkness.  Not only do you need to do this, I WANT you to do this.  I want this for you because I have been where you are, I have lived it for more years than I care to admit, and I would not wish that on anyone.  Because I genuinely care.

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Robin Winter

Maybe what you need to try first is talking to someone, like really talking, 1 on 1.  Why not try The Samaritans.  You're showing as being in the UK.  They can be reached at 116 123 .   Please reach out.

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Robin Winter

Maybe important to note, The Samaritans are not mental health professionals.  They're just real people who care.  It's just someone to talk to, just like right here, except you get to hear a voice on the end, and sometimes that can make the difference.

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jody

hi

u can be gratfull u have lif for as they say wheres theres life theres hope..of course its hard,if it was easy this forum would be empty..i can tell u suicide sucks..it doesnt solve anything(had 5 attempts)..it ruins ur social life and if it goes wrong it hurts like hell..anyway i decided im allergic to die ing.  i dont have any instant answers, its hard work, but as they say a bit of r&r is always good..i like to add an r so u get  rest and recuperation and rethink....

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jae bear

Elyssia, sweetheart, I’m so sorry you feel down today but you are going to make it through this, you are posting here because you do want to help, and you do want help because you want to go on and find a way to make your world around you work for you rather than against you. It may not be clear what the answers to your future are, but rest assured those pathways will be taken whether you want them or not, and continuing in the pathways that hurt you so badly may not be the best for you, you may need to take control and direction to find a way that saves yourself even if it comes at a high cost. I can tell you that 14 years ago I laid in a hospital bed and fought for my life every single hour for more than 30 days, the pain was beyond imaginable and I was hallucinating most of the time, it doesn’t bear describing what it was like, as there is no equivalent or comparison I could make to what that feels like, but I can tell you, all I wanted to do was live. And 14 years later honey, I need to live again, but not just getting by day today, I need to live as myself and make the hard decisions that allow me the pathway to that future. I understand that you must make hard decisions now, but you are going to be able to do this in order to save yourself, trust me when I tell you that the girl inside you is stronger than you think she is...  if she was a flesh and blood person caught in the middle of a busy street with her life in danger, would you not rush out into the street to save her? If that same girl was clinging to life in a hospital, wouldn’t you be at her bedside helping her survive? If that girl was in an abusive relationship wouldn’t you help her get out of it? If that girl worked in a factory where she faced ridicule and job loss wouldn’t you help her find a new job? These all may sound theoretical, but they are not, these things are all one and the same, you need to decide if you’re going to help that girl or not, and I think we both know since you are right here asking for that help you are ready to do so, you need to go save that girl honey, she needs your help even if it costs you so very much.

Hugs,

Jae

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BrandiBri
38 minutes ago, Charlize said:

"We will love you until you can love yourself".

I too pass that on to you, Elyssia. You mentioned that you don't like shopping because you see things that you can't afford, I get that completely, but you also said that you see things that you like,but can't wear because they are womens. Why is it that you don't think that you can't wear women's clothes? There are no laws that prohibit you from wearing what you want and feel comfortable in. Try buying something that is acceptable for either male or female. That would be a small step in the right direction, but a big step in recovering your life.

As has been said many times, you are here because, even though you have not said it in so many words, you are reaching out for help and we are all here to help you, but you need to take the steps necessary to make it happen. 

Hugs,

Brandi 

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Kirsten

Elyssia, 

i don’t know how much I can add to all of the positivity and love and respect you’ve already gotten form all these wonderful people, but I can tell you after what I saw this weekend no matter what you think YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! There are more people than you could even imagine that share your fears. That share your problems. That are worse off than you. That are depressed or worse every day. 

I keep saying it, but find 1 thing. 1 thing you can change that makes you sad now. And stick with it. It could be as simple as new socks. Or eating a healthy breakfast every day. 

You just need to start changing things. If you don’t nothing changes. Decide what you want. Do you want to be happy? Or sad? It’s really only your choice. 

And try posting things that happen that are good. Or happy. Or make you less sad. Anything better than bad. Writing it down makes it real. You need to grab that ray of sunshine and rip it open! Spread it out! Love it! Cherish it! Be a part of it! All you need to do is WANT it!!! And not be afraid of some hard work. And let’s be honest, anything good that’s worth having..... it’s so worth working for. 

Not 6 months ago I was done with life. Wife was done with me. Kids were sad and acting out. Almost lost my job. And hated myself (that’s life long) but I woke up one day and said if I’m this depressed and hate myself this bad well why not at least try to let Kirsten run the show. And she is. No. I AM!!!! And things just keep getting better. I still have down days. I still work my ass off every day to keep it going. And I even have new problems that upset me and cause issues. But I can deal with them because I am being me. And loving me. And caring about me. 

You can too! Fake it till you make it if you have to. But try something at least. Anything. Just try it!! It’s easier than it sounds. But unless you try you won’t know. 

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jae bear

 You know it’s rather funny Elyssia, I have often thought this very thing myself about wanting to buy women’s clothes but that I couldn’t or shouldn’t do so. I know I am finding myself on the backside of a divorce with a wife that still loves me, and soon I will have an apartment to myself. While these are both horrifying thoughts for those who have been married a long time just as I have been, I will admit to you the freedom is unique and I am looking forward to it even though I feel guilty saying so.  I’ve only made one women’s department purchase so far, but every day I slip on my women’s size 11 high top sneakers with the pink soft fuzzy inside, I’m reminded Just what I’m wearing today even if it is just my shoes. The thing I realized is that most menswear has a women’s department equivalent, I know I’m just a tomboy but I’ll share with you some of the things I’ve noticed. Jeans, T-shirts, and basic print tops can be worn nearly universally even if everything you’re buying is simply from the women’s department. Why pay for more men’s clothes when you don’t need to? why not buy women’s jeans? why not buy some women’s T-shirts? no one else is going to know unless you show them the label!

Hugs,

Jae/Jackie

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BrandiBri

If you are not comfortable going out, consider shopping online. There are a number of sites that offer reasonably priced clothes and all you have to do to pick them up is walk out to your mailbox. That way you can buy whatever you like even if it is ultra femm! 

40 minutes ago, jae bear said:

 why not buy women’s jeans? why not buy some women’s T-shirts?

That is a very good suggestion. Jae is right, those are things that, altho they are womans, the only way any would know is if you were to tell them. I know that for me buying new clothes is exciting and fun! The emotional high I get when trying on a new dress is fantastic! Of course, I am a real "girly girl". 

Hugs,

Brandi

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Elyssia

I keep reaching out, i have called the samaritans before and they wasn't very good, im not very articulate and I think they thought I was just a time waster. I did try emailing them instead and in the end they kind of gave up on me. 

I guess im just an awful, unloveable person who doesn't deserve help. 

I feel so tired tonight, and maybe I won't have all the awful nightmares again. 

Thanks for all your messages. 

 

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jae bear
5 hours ago, Elyssia said:

 

I guess im just an awful, unloveable person who doesn't deserve help. 

 Oh honey, you and I both know these words aren’t true, I know sometimes we feel this way as I do from time to time myself, but it’s a fleeting thought and that’s all that it should be, you’re going to be OK in the long run but you certainly need to address the big questions, and I want you and go make some friends so you feel like you have some support. Believe me when I tell you that making friends is the most important thing I’ve done for myself out of all of my processes of transition. They are out there, I promise you, you just don’t see them because they blend in. You said you worked with many people At your company, you may not know this but odds are very good that you are not alone where you work. Sadly many of us stay hidden in the woodwork, not letting anyone know for fear of ridicule and reprisal. And then there are some of us who are very open about who we are but keep to ourselves, and all you’re going to need to do is reach out continually, until you do find those friends, one friend can lead to two friends can lead to more can lead to a group can lead to a revolution! Look Elyssia,  this is going to take some work honey, and I know after a long day at work you’re tired, all of us girls are so tired after work, but we find that little extra something and go back out to meet with our friends, and you’ll have to put that little extra in yourself to go find them first, or at the very least find a gathering place where you can meet just one person who understands, this does not have to be in MTF trans woman like me, it can be anybody, On any end of the spectrum, I enjoy the people in my group on every possible level. And there are fantastic FTM trans men, androgynous wonderful adventuresome people, glamorous cross dressers that will stun you, and normal people you would never consider who simply feel like you and I do but do little To show it out in public. And so many more. Even anyone who is gay or lesbian or simply bi  would make a fantastic friend, I know from experience and I’m not making this up as I go along, anyone in the LGBTQ community is going to be able to talk with you and you will be able to be open with them, I guarantee this. I also guarantee there are people near you that you simply don’t know about, and finding your way to that world is going to take finding just one white rabbit in the bunch and following. Keep looking for the white rabbit Elyssia,  you will find others if you follow...

Hugs,

Jackie

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jo jo

hun you are not beyond repair you are someone who needs help you are in emotional transition if you are in a toxic relationship try marriage counselling and if that dont work then best finish relationship for both your sakes the important thing is you see a counsellor and resolve your problems then concentrate on getting yourself better....... love and hugs jo jo

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Elyssia

There's no hope of my wife going for counselling, she is against all forms of help like that she says it is all bull****. 

I just feel worn out, im doing so much juggling everything to keep things afloat,. The thought of going out and trying to find friends or anything doesn't seem like it's something I can do. I don't think people will like me, i feel like im so boring. Im embarrassed and ashamed of how awful i look. 

What future is there? 

None. 

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Charlize

There is a great future ahead if you start one little step at a time towards a new way of seeing things.  I know i felt i could never be myself and that i was ugly at best but today i'm happily myself.  It didn't happen overnight when i was asleep.  Over time i began to confront my fears and often what seemed like mountains were actually only bumps.  One step, one day at a time moves us miles and years into change.  it is up to you to make a step.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Elyssia

I keep trying to make steps but it always feels like I'm in some kind of hamster wheel and i just seem to end up in the same place. 

I don't remember what happy is, my life is a massive mess 

 

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