When "Passing" Is No Longer An Issue ???

[VickySGV]

Tonight I had dinner at an up-scale Mandarin Chinese restaurant in Pasadena CA..  I get in there about once every two months and like two or three dishes very much.  The waiters were as nice as always and the service was great as usual with smiles and courtesy toward another good customer as the manager considers me.  (He has said so, and if he knows I am Trans, it does not affect my being a good customer or he a good manager).

 

Tonight, for the first time, I actually caught another customer staring at me off and on from a booth across the aisle from me.  Her look was a stare, and then a puzzled look on her face as if she did not know what she was seeing.  I semi-ignored it for a while, and then did my usual thing, which was to catch her stare and simply smile back at her.  She blushed as she caught me smiling, and then timidly told me I looked like some one she had seen on television or some other media.  My smile went to a grin as I told her it was possible she could have seen me that way.*   Her eyes got wide at that point, and her dinner partner suggested she not bother me any more although they both smiled at me when they left a few minutes later.  I have no idea if my being Trans played any part in this, but I would say it did not, (neither one mentioned it) and if so did not matter.  Not every one who sees you or stares at you is going to make a scene about your being Trans, at least where I go for dinner.

 

{*In reality, I have been on television a few times, and am in performances by my Chorus and with some other groups, not to mention one episode of "Transparent" and a couple of Trans documentaries.}

[tracy_j]

I think we worry too much at times. When someone looks, there can be any number of reasons why. I know that with my red hair I stand out in a crowd. A number of people later informed me when I was caught in a passing crowd shot on a local TV news program. Yes, smile and say hello even. It reminds me of many years ago when I did not wear my glasses when out and about. I found that I got to know quite a few people as, if they were showing an interest, I was never certain whether it was someone I knew so I aways greeted them with a smile and said something. I am very shy, but it did get me out of my shell.

 

I still expect the world to come crashing down from time to time. I think with most women, even if they do realise they are more interested and supportive than concerned and likely to avoid saying anything which may be hurtful.

 

Tracy

[Jani]

A celebrity in our midst!

I agree we tend to make too much of this, for the most part.  I can think of times I have seen a person that I thought I knew, but that they could never be in the locality.   As part of a military family who travelled a lot, my dad used to comment all the time people that looked familiar from previous locations of duty stations.  At a short distance even my wife would confuse a friend that I worked with in the Navy with me.  I told her to clean her glasses! 

Jani  

 

[Charlize]

I do believe i "pass" but at the same time on occasion i also see others "looking" more closely than i like.  Hard to say why but at this point i simply smile and continue.  I also know that i've been read at times.  Some folks simply have good "transdar" .  They sometimes have gender issues themselves, some are gay and many have trans friends or relatives.  Early in living full time any read was very painful.  I guess i was still living with fear and shame.  Today those feelings have disappeared for the most part as i become comfortable in myself. 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[BrandiBri]

I recently went at a restaurant for lunch that I like and after ordering a peach lemonade, I was approached by a lady from a nearby table. She asked if she could ask a question and I thought ''''''here we go", but she wanted to know what I was drinking. I think we all have issues with "passing", but for the most part I have found that most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice. I work in retail and have not gone to work with makeup on and have been "ma'amed" much more than "sired". Passing is more that what you are wearing, it is also attitude and the way you present yourself.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Clara84]

Of course we are thinking too much about people who stare at us. 

Like everyone here I got sometimes same feeling of being read. But people have a lot of reasons to look. 

 

I don't care anymore since I noticed how surprised the people are when I out myself, and since my beautician don't read me while looking at my face very close for plucking eyebrows 

 

When I sometimes choose to out myself, the people are very surprised. 

 

But... For myself, I don't pass well. When I look in the mirror I still see male 50% of the time. That's dysphoria 

 

Those who still read us are "specialists" or trans persons themselves. We can't do anything against them. 

 

As you're confortable with what you are, everything goes well. 

 

I ve done an exercise which helped myself a lot: trying to find trans woman on the streets. 

Quickly I realize that I have some doubts on many women. Of course most were cis. 

 

Dysphoria make us feel bad and un confident.

It still happens everyday that I see the masculine features and I feel bad. Publicly I haven't been misgendered since 1 year

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

Of course we are thinking too much about people who stare at us. 

Most people are oblivious to their surroundings, as they are absorbed in their own world. 

 

3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

When I look in the mirror I still see male 50% of the time

Look through a fashion magazine with young-ish models.  I swear half of them could be boys.  So now you have a trans-dar and you can tell.  But, everyone seems to have features that blur or even cross the gender line.  As you note you have doubts when seeing many women.  So do I.  

 

I would suggest trying to get over your dysphoria.  Looking at your avatar photo I only see a woman.  If you haven't been mis-gendered recently you are doing all right.  Start to accept and feel good about your body and face.  You are beautiful!

Jani  

[MarcieMarie12]

As to passing, I think I am my worst critic. Thing is, I have not been misgendered in at least the last 6 months. That include friends and family, as well as the store cleark, waiter and others. I know I pass, but that opens up the other can of worms of who do I tell or not tell. And if I interact with someone on a regular basis little things in my history may not add up  all the time for stereotypical female upbringing (for example I played football and know a lot about the game, girls in the 1980's did not play tackle football).