scared to come out to my councillor

[KymmieL]

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Councillor. I see her for major depression and phobia. Both have been in check lately. But with recent health problems they could flair up at anytime. I didn't realize the severity of my recent health problem until I saw her. It could have been deadly. While things are going alright at the moment, my gender thoughts still prevail. I have gotten to the point that when I see a beautiful female, I am wanting to have her body, physically. It was sexual in the past now I want a beautiful body like hers.

I am how ever scared to bring up gender in my counseling session. Don't really know why. Even though my wife knows of my crossdressing. all though nothing this far. I am still closeted for the most part. Have never gone out dressed. I believe my sons know but haven't said anything.

I know it is up to me to get the strength to come out. I have been a chicken all my life. I guess time will tell.

 

Kymmie

[Willow]

Kymmie,  I have a similar past.  I was afraid (chicken according to my counselor) to tell anyone about my desires or needs.  I found a counselor that I could relate to and found it easy to talk to him.  When I broke my barriers and told him about my secrets, it was such a burden lifted off me.  It was like the dam broke and all the pressure was gone.  My wife noticed that I was smiling for the first time in years.  She didn't know anything about my issues until I finally told her.  

 

No one can tell you when the time is right for you but the easiest person to tell will be your counselor.  Telling us is a start.  We can encourage, relate and tell you our stories.  There are many good advisors here that can help as well.  My advice, talk, listen and you'll know when to insert this into the session.  Getting this out could help with your depression.  It certainly did for me.

 

Willow

[Jani]

Speaking with your counselor is the best thing for you to do as it will get it off your mind, into the open and you'll both be able to discuss it.  You will find it to be a relief to let go the secret.  Best wishes.

 

Jani

[KymmieL]

 Well the session came and went. No I did not bring it up. She was running late and she had some eye problems. Going in for a  double cornea  transplant in a couple weeks. I see her again in 2 months. I will work on getting up the nerve.

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

Sounds like a plan!  In the meantime I suggest making some notes and refining them to coalesce your thoughts.  You want to get out the important parts to ensure she understands your needs.  I promise you will feel 100% better after speaking to her about this. 

 

Jani  

[KymmieL]

Well tomorrow is time for another appointment with my councilor. And again I am scared to come out. I realize it is irrational to be but here I am. Maybe if she asks what I have been doing lately. I may answer, Writing, I have been writing stories it started years ago in my teens. mostly one main story in a couple different forms. but lately I have changed to writing transgender stories. If I bring that up it might break the ice so to speak.

Right now I am almost in tears just thinking about it. My mind is going crazy with the thought.

I have a hard time talking about problems always have. probably always will. 

One way I may able to bring it up is written. I have done this years ago with my wife. Maybe at lunch today or tomorrow before the appointment I will put pencil to paper and see what happens. However, whither or not I give it to her is the next problem and when. at the start or end or,or,or,or......... 

Well now off to 9 hours at work. trying to not think about it is going to be the hard part.

Thanks for all the support, it seems like I can use all I can get now.

 

Kymmie.

[KymmieL]

These thoughts came to mind while I getting changed for work. I may just dress in more feminine cloths I have. Being I am probably ride the motorcycle to the appointment. I thought of wearing a pair of lower rise jeans and a ladies baseball style shirt, (3/4 sleeve) maybe a bra under. I always wear panties so that is a given. Maybe sit like a lady, legs crossed at the knee and hands folded on my leg. Who knows.

 

I need to shut off my brain it is going into over drive.

 

Kymmie

[BrandiBri]

Kimmie, just be yourself. I know how hard it is to begin a conversation like this, but believe me, saying the words out loud to someone other than yourself is so wonderful! It's like breaking out of the prison and being free to express the woman that you are inside.

I too found it hard to admit that I needed to open up to a professional, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Good luck with the therapist tomorrow.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

If it is easier to write the message than speaking about it, then do it that way.  Wearing feminine clothing is certainly a good idea.  I believe you will find the whole process easier and stress relieving than you can imagine.  Brandi is correct, its like breaking free.  You can finally speak to someone. 

 

Best luck, 

Jani

[Kati]

The value of counseling is diminished if you paint an incomplete or inaccurate picture of yourself.  Make the most of this opportunity for professional guidance and assistance by sharing this essential truth about yourself.  I have a feeling that you will feel a great sense of relief when you unburden yourself.  

 

All the best to you tomorrow.

 

Katy

[KymmieL]

Well I did it. It feels great. Come to find out my counselor was on the planning board for the pride fest in SAN FRAN for several years. Her 15 year old daughter is Bi. While she isn't a specialist in trans. I did meet one of the Dr's who is. I will be making an appointment with her shortly.

It felt so open, and relieving.

 

Kymmie

[Kati]

Well done, Kymmie!  I am glad that you summoned up the requisite courage and shared this essential part of who you are with your counselor.  I'm also pleased that everything went as well as it did.   One might make a very strong case for the argument that it couldn't have gone better.

 

All the best to you,

 

Kati

[Jani]

Wonderful!  Doesn't it feel good to get it out in the open?  No more hiding. 

 

 

[KymmieL]

Jani and Kati,  Yes, it does feel better. Even today I am feeling good about coming out. Unfortunately now for the scariest one of all. telling my wife. I am hoping to at least have a couple of sessions with the new Dr. To get comfortable in coming out. 

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

[Kati]

You are right, the next hurdle is much higher and has the potential for far greater disruption in your life.  Your decision to delay scaling that emotional mountain until after you have had a couple sessions with your new doctor seems sensible.  Perhaps your doctor will be to offer some guidance in how to broach the subject.

 

All the best,

 

Kati 

[KymmieL]

During our brief meting Thursday. She did say that once she got to know me she could give me some guidance. 

 

Kymmie

[Kati]

I hope the guidance you receive will prove helpful.

 

All the best,

 

Kati