Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hey


AAananonimity

Recommended Posts

Hi, 

I joined this forum to have people to talk to about my feelings towards gender identity. Let’s just say I’m conflicted.

 

Im a 22 y/o Dad, still with the mom. Proud as a peacock of my family and the little one we’ve grown. I work in the oil field, make a decent living, and have a nice home. Everything seems dandy. 

 

But im left with constant ups and downs thoughts of my identity. Really I feel like the only thing pulling me towards masculinity at times is my circle of family and friends. At other times I’m very proud to fulfill a fatherly role and be a man. Being a Dad makes this pressure so much harder.

 

The thing is iv always loved my feminine side and it’s only getting harder and harder to carry that through in my personality and daily life being a new Dad. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a woman. But I’m absolutely terrified of bringing these feelings up to anyone I know in person. 

 

A few close people know that iv always had an even split of male and female energy, my wife knows (i told her this). Upon telling her She responded with “that’s one of my main attractions towards you, iv had boyfriends in the past who are far to feminine and has called me the perfect balance for her”. Which is something I’m afraid to disrupt by furthering the conversation of my gender identity. She knows iv tried on her clothes while she’s away and taken pictures of my self all dolled up, and the shame iv felt as my dressing up ties into sexual arousal. But that’s the extent of it. She only knows I did it once as I was afraid she had seen the photos on my phone. so enivitably I came clean.

 

I think about just starting HRT in the closet and seeing how I feel a lot. Wondering if that’ll push me into the confidence I need to be more forward on the topic. 

 

Id say my biggest fear though is coming out, trying it and having it not be for me. Having it have disastrous consequences on my personal life and friendships. I’m so conflicted as a young father. ? 

 

so if anyone out there has advice I’m all ears and am Sorry if this doesn’t fall under the intended purpose of the forum or I posted in the wrong place.

 

thank you

 

 

 

Link to comment

Welcome to the forums, AAanonimity! You're in the right place. ?

All of our journeys are unique. It sounds like your have a great family and a good situation, so that's a great place from which to start. I'm sure you will get a lot of great wisdom from others here. I'll keep mine short and sweet:

1) Find a gender therapist to discuss this with. A good therapist can be tremendously helpful in sorting through all the things you're feeling and dealing with some of the conflicting emotions about who you are and what's important to you. 

2) Go at your own pace and give yourself permission to think about what's possible without shame or guilt or worry. We all carry lots of fears and responsibilities on our shoulders and it's important to give ourselves space to explore feelings/emotions/identities. A therapist can help with that, but you need to allow yourself some freedom too.

This is also a great space to express what you're thinking and understand that you're not alone and than many of us have been in similar situations. 

Easy does it!
Julie

 

Link to comment

Hi, and welcome to the forums! 

First off, I want to say you are very brave to come here, seeking advice and telling us about your situation. It's not always easy to come clean, even if something is eating at you for a long time and I commend that. I can tell you definitely have a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm going to completely agree to what SugarMagnolia said. A gender therapist will be your absolute best bet in figuring out exactly what's going on.

There are so many people with loads of life experience and different stories and backgrounds here, but even with all of our advice and guidance and stories, the answer rests inside of you, not us. A therapist can help you unlock and realize exactly who you really are. But don't let that discourage you from talking with us and sharing. We may be able to help as well, I just strongly advise against using us as a replacement for a therapist. 

I don't want to really say anything that will feel like it's pushing you in one direction or the other, but if you do realize that you're a woman, it'll be a lot easier for your relationship with your child if you come out earlier in life rather than later. 

Another thing I would strongly advise against:
Don't start HRT if you're not sure what's going on. You said one of your biggest fears is coming out and then changing your mind. HRT will permanently alter your body. It's essentially like going through a second puberty. 

Again, I want to hammer hard the point: see a gender therapist. That, I think, is the best advice anyone can give you. I hope you stick around as you're going through this, we are all here to help ❤️

Aiy

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome AAananonimity,

 I certainly don't want to be the one who influences you one way or the other.  All i can say is that about 45 years ago i was right where you are.  I was also married with a young child i adored and a wife who was less than accepting.  I put my gender issues aside to the best of my ability.  Whenever they came forth and i dressed or expressed myself otherwise i felt guilty.  I found a good life and enjoyed a life in construction and supported and cherished my family.  I also became an alcoholic over the years but i can't claim it was due to gender.  I went full time about 7 years ago at the age of 63.  I don't regret my life but am certainly glad to be myself today.

We are all on different paths.  I'm glad you found us here.  Others certainly understand your feelings.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thank you gals, 

You’ve certainly made me feel welcomed. I hope I can find a good gender therapist in my small city, someone I’m comfortable with that will work with my spuratic schedule. I just moved to a new place and my work schedule makes it tough. My family finally settled here, we’ve moved so much and iv switched jobs so many times that you it would actually be obscene to make another relocation or job change right now. I like my work but I have no set start or end times, and no set days off. It’s tough for working in something like therapy you know. Ahh life... 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome AAananonimity.  I'm glad you reached out to us.  I will agree with Aiyanna.

On 6/17/2018 at 4:15 PM, Aiyanna said:

There are so many people with loads of life experience and different stories and backgrounds here, but even with all of our advice and guidance and stories, the answer rests inside of you, not us

 

While this sounds like a scary proposition it can be minimized by taking a slow and measured approach.   As suggested a good therapist will be very helpful.  If you cannot find anyone local, you might try connecting with one that will work via video (Skype or FaceTime).  Many of us have been exactly where you are.  Hormone treatment can be delightful or scary.  You need to understand the plus and minus points before starting down that path.  There are certainly both to consider.  

 

As to progressing and finding it is not what you want or need, this is why we take it slow.  This is a Pandora's Box type of situation where you can never un-say things you've told family and friends.  I'm happy to hear you're proud of being a Dad.  It's a special relationship we develop with our children.  You might find you do not need to fully transition and to be happy you can only do what makes you (and your wife) happy.  When we transition, our family's do as well.  This might be under-dressing at times, or even taking a low dosage of estrogen without an androgen blocker.  This may give a calming effect while not affecting your libido or physical strength.  Be aware we all react differently to HRT and there may be some physical changes.  This is something to consider only after you have had some counseling from a gender therapist, and ultimately a doctor.  

 

Again, I know this is a scary time so don't be afraid to reach out and talk.  We're here.

 

Cheers, Jani   

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Please make yourself at home and feel free to ask any questions that come to mind.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

So nice ?

I really appreciate all the advice. 

Jani, thank you for putting an emphasis on taking it slow, and why that’s important for family as well. Just hearing that helps put me at ease a bit already. I forget that I don’t need all the answers right away. Such a fast passed world these days, so easy to get swept up in that you know?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi AAanonimity,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your story sounds quite familiar, personally and from other stories I've heard. It's quite common for us to do manly "he-man" things to prove to others, and even more so to ourselves, that we are men (from the m2f perspective). You work in the oil fields, Charlize worked in construction, I was living the life of a woodsman out in the forest with my chainsaw. 

 

Another thing in common is the fear of coming out or being found out. Perhaps the biggest help I can offer is that you are not alone with this. You've got friends here who care and understand. We will celebrate your triumphs with you, or lend a shoulder to cry on. Hopefully more of the former!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Hello AAanonimity,

Welcome to TransPulse. :)

 

MaryEllen

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 137 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • MaryEllen
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...