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Cass Kasinski

Questioning my gender... I guess...?

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Cass Kasinski

 

Hello there! Thanks for taking the time to red this!!

I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong forum but you guys seemed so supportive, so I felt this was the right place...?

...

Anyway, as you have read: I'm questioning my gender. I'm a teenager from Argentina who's been confused for... a looooonng time. And I felt that it was about time I reached out for help and talked to you people.

So, my questions started when I realized something: I'm female, and I am attracted to men. However, I have the feeling that I'm... somehow... gay? I'm so sorry if that sounds stupid, I'm just really confused. As I said, I feel I have to be a guy to feel free to be with another guy. I want to snuggle him and hug him and kiss him- but as a boy, not as a girl.

Soon, other questions started to appear and I started feeling urges to cut my hair short -as short as boys- and wear more "masculine" clothing. What's more, I've always despised wearing the same clothes as my female friends. Tops, tanks, ripped shorts and skirts... they make me uncomfortable. Besides, I was (and still am) disgusted by my breasts and felt the need to flatten them... just as I'd like to look more masculine but not to go through surgery or testosterone. I also daydream a lot (because school bores the hell out of me) and picture myself as a boy.

Despite my feelings, I've never had any stereotipically "male" personality traits... and my friends are mostly girls. However, I do find crude humor hilarious and sometimes I can be really vulgar- though I don't show that because I'm very shy. Overall, I'd say that my personality is gender-neutral.

Appart from relationships, I feel that being a guy will finally suit my gender-neutral personality. I don't I dentify as agender or non-binary so far but I belive my personality does...? And I wouldn't mind he/him pronouns!!

However, I'm not sure if it's truly what I want or what I feel, and I have to admit that  I've always been seen as a girl -by others and by myself- and feeling "transgender" is so unusual to me that it feels weird to think of me as male when I'm used to my name and my pronouns and I look so feminine... and I'm very afraid of my classmates' reactions to me coming out as ftm transgender if it turns out I do identify as male- as they would probably feel it's weird. That can't be any worse than my parent's reactions, though: They believe I'm too young and won't let me experiment much, although they let me dress in more masculine/gender-neutral clothing- In which I FINALLY feel comfortable! I finally think something suits me! They say that I'm just confused because I'm ashamed to look like other girls- which is HIGHLY unlikely. 

...

...WOOO that took a while to write!! My fingers hurt like HELL! Ow!!

I feel lighter now that I've set it all free- and thank you so much for reading this!! I appreciate it so much! Not everyone would care about what some random stranger on the internet has to say... you're really special ;).

And btw sorry for my english... I'm just a teenager who lives in south america and I'm still studying grammar!!

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Aiyanna

Hi Cass, welcome to the server! And thanks for sharing.

I, and I don't think any other member here, can really tell you what you are. That feeling is hidden deep inside of yourself. But I can give some speculation. Based on how you are feeling, you may be androgynous with masculine tendencies or you may be a FtM guy. I'm glad your parents at least let you wear more gender neutral clothing and it makes you feel more comfortable. The best thing you can possibly do is find a gender therapist to talk to about your feelings. I'm not sure how healthcare works in Argentina or if you'll be able to find a supportive one in your area, but I would strongly recommend trying. 

I want to make sure that you understand there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you're feeling. We all feel a bit differently and society as a whole doesn't like change, so they try to make it disappear. A lot of people will try to influence you into thinking your feelings are wrong because they are different and those same people don't understand. 

Again, thank you so much for posting. Please, continue to share with us how your feelings develop and if you're able to find a therapist and how this affects you in the future. 

❤️
Aiy

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Aiyanna

Also, I want to say I think your grammar is great. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. If you hadn't pointed it out, and it didn't say it on your profile, I wouldn't even have known you weren't from America. 

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Jani

Hello Case and welcome.  Yes your grammar is wonderful.  No issues at all.  I agree with Aiyanna's statement.  The answer is within and only you can unlock it.  You are a teen so you have lot of time to figure all this out.  But it seems you have a grasp on who you are.  Don't be afraid to experiment and be adventurous.  Do be careful with binding your chest as you can create permanent damage to your body.  

 

Jani

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Cass Kasinski

@Aiyanna@Jani

You two are so kind... thank you so much. I'll take your advice and follow it. Have a nice daaaaayyy!

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