Looking for a solid conclusion

[Chronical-anxiety]

I'm 18 years old and currently living in Brazil. I've been thinking a lot lately about going to a therapist to talk about this, but I'm not sure if it's even worth since I'm not sure if I should (or want) to call myself transgender.

I'm going to tell a little about my story. When I was a kid I liked to dress myself with my friend's wardrobe, which consisted of typical boy's underwear and clothing, I even gave myself a boy name and tried to pee while standing in some occasions, but me and my parents saw that as some sort of waggery. As I grew, I didn't really bother with "belonging" to a gender, but my closest friends were (and still are) mostly boys, playing and socializing with them was just natural to me. Then came puberty, and aside my boobs and height (which I'm really dysphoric of) none of the other changes bothered me that much. But at some point, the straight (stereotypically) middle school guys I used to play with started to see me differently, most of them got distant and formed their own "dude exclusive groups" involuntarily. At that time, I didn't really care, since I had a lot of friends at school, but then I moved to another city. I was about 12 years old at that time, and most of my neighbors were boys younger than me, and I imediately grew close to them. They saw me as a equal until some time ago, when signs of their puberty started to show. That was when I started to get really bothered. Seeing how they their muscular mass increased, how their facial hair grew and how their height increased made me feel small (psychologically speaking) in comparation to them. I was jealous. I wanted to have their body. And there I was, once again, being perceived differently.

 

Nowadays I look like "normal" girl (long hair, usually wearing t-shirts and shorts), and I experience social dysphoria a lot, but I can say I don't have a severe body dysphoria since I feel comfortable when I look at my body. However, I get really uncomfortable when someone treats me like a "girl" or a "lady" in social situations (one of my aunts likes to call me princess since I was very young, but now it just bothers me, like it's something most girls would be ok with, but I just think it's wrong). I hate when someone comes up with some kind of "gender role" talk, even if it's not on purpose, it really triggers me.

 

Besides my social dysphoria, I feel genital dysphoria sometimes after I masturbate. While I'm at it, I can't really think straight, but when I'm done something feels wrong. I watch a lot of heterossexual porn and always imagine myself being the guy in the situation, being penetrated or being the "woman" just doesn't do to me, and aside the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women, I have a hard time watching lesbian porn for some reason. 

 

In the end of the day, I just want to read what you guys have to say about this and what I should do, my mind has been oscilating a lot and I've been reading many articles about FtM transition and such. Sometimes I think about discussing this with a therapist and sometimes I just think I'm better of the way I am right now, and that I should try to overcome these thoughts since I'm not sure what I want and transitioning would make my life more difficult.

 

[BrandiBri]

Welcome to TransPulse and thanks for sharing your story with us. I think that you should see a therapist even if you are not sure of what you want. Just being able to talk to someone who is not judgemental is important. A good therapist will not steer you in one direction or the other, but will help you find yourself.

You do not have to put a label on yourself, just be who you are. I wish I could give you more advice but I do wish you the best.

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

Hello and welcome. Do you have a name we could use?  I'm glad you found us and signed up.  

 

Having doubts is totally normal, more so when you are young as you are. You seem to have been thinking about this for a long time.  I do think a therapist could help you sort things out; a gender therapist would be best.  Please understand that being transgender can take many different paths and each one is unique.  The one you choose will be right for you, and you can change or modify it as you evolve and learn more about yourself.  

 

Since you have social dysphoria, but generally no body dysphoria you could change your presentation to appear more androgynous with a different haircut or some clothing.  Concerning "gender roles", do you play sports?   You might join a league where you can play and live in a more masculine manner.  Some women are "girly" but I think most are happy to straddle the boundaries and live as they wish.  Don't buy into the gender role narrative, it's too limiting.  

 

Negative feelings about ourselves after masturbation is somewhat common.  I would warn against too much porn as it can desensitize our minds to the reality of life.  Too much fantasy is not good.  

 

Overcoming these thoughts you are having might be hard on your own.  Think about how long you've been trying.  A therapist would be a good partner to help you unlock your true identity and be able to live as you want.    

 

Abraços!  (Hugs),

Jani