Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Looking for a solid conclusion


Chronical-anxiety

Recommended Posts

I'm 18 years old and currently living in Brazil. I've been thinking a lot lately about going to a therapist to talk about this, but I'm not sure if it's even worth since I'm not sure if I should (or want) to call myself transgender.

I'm going to tell a little about my story. When I was a kid I liked to dress myself with my friend's wardrobe, which consisted of typical boy's underwear and clothing, I even gave myself a boy name and tried to pee while standing in some occasions, but me and my parents saw that as some sort of waggery. As I grew, I didn't really bother with "belonging" to a gender, but my closest friends were (and still are) mostly boys, playing and socializing with them was just natural to me. Then came puberty, and aside my boobs and height (which I'm really dysphoric of) none of the other changes bothered me that much. But at some point, the straight (stereotypically) middle school guys I used to play with started to see me differently, most of them got distant and formed their own "dude exclusive groups" involuntarily. At that time, I didn't really care, since I had a lot of friends at school, but then I moved to another city. I was about 12 years old at that time, and most of my neighbors were boys younger than me, and I imediately grew close to them. They saw me as a equal until some time ago, when signs of their puberty started to show. That was when I started to get really bothered. Seeing how they their muscular mass increased, how their facial hair grew and how their height increased made me feel small (psychologically speaking) in comparation to them. I was jealous. I wanted to have their body. And there I was, once again, being perceived differently.
 
Nowadays I look like "normal" girl (long hair, usually wearing t-shirts and shorts), and I experience social dysphoria a lot, but I can say I don't have a severe body dysphoria since I feel comfortable when I look at my body. However, I get really uncomfortable when someone treats me like a "girl" or a "lady" in social situations (one of my aunts likes to call me princess since I was very young, but now it just bothers me, like it's something most girls would be ok with, but I just think it's wrong). I hate when someone comes up with some kind of "gender role" talk, even if it's not on purpose, it really triggers me.
 
Besides my social dysphoria, I feel genital dysphoria sometimes after I masturbate. While I'm at it, I can't really think straight, but when I'm done something feels wrong. I watch a lot of heterossexual porn and always imagine myself being the guy in the situation, being penetrated or being the "woman" just doesn't do to me, and aside the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women, I have a hard time watching lesbian porn for some reason. 
 
In the end of the day, I just want to read what you guys have to say about this and what I should do, my mind has been oscilating a lot and I've been reading many articles about FtM transition and such. Sometimes I think about discussing this with a therapist and sometimes I just think I'm better of the way I am right now, and that I should try to overcome these thoughts since I'm not sure what I want and transitioning would make my life more difficult.
 
Link to comment

Welcome to TransPulse and thanks for sharing your story with us. I think that you should see a therapist even if you are not sure of what you want. Just being able to talk to someone who is not judgemental is important. A good therapist will not steer you in one direction or the other, but will help you find yourself.

You do not have to put a label on yourself, just be who you are. I wish I could give you more advice but I do wish you the best.

Hugs,

Brandi

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello and welcome. Do you have a name we could use?  I'm glad you found us and signed up.  

 

Having doubts is totally normal, more so when you are young as you are. You seem to have been thinking about this for a long time.  I do think a therapist could help you sort things out; a gender therapist would be best.  Please understand that being transgender can take many different paths and each one is unique.  The one you choose will be right for you, and you can change or modify it as you evolve and learn more about yourself.  

 

Since you have social dysphoria, but generally no body dysphoria you could change your presentation to appear more androgynous with a different haircut or some clothing.  Concerning "gender roles", do you play sports?   You might join a league where you can play and live in a more masculine manner.  Some women are "girly" but I think most are happy to straddle the boundaries and live as they wish.  Don't buy into the gender role narrative, it's too limiting.  

 

Negative feelings about ourselves after masturbation is somewhat common.  I would warn against too much porn as it can desensitize our minds to the reality of life.  Too much fantasy is not good.  

 

Overcoming these thoughts you are having might be hard on your own.  Think about how long you've been trying.  A therapist would be a good partner to help you unlock your true identity and be able to live as you want.    

 

Abraços!  (Hugs),

Jani  

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 136 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Sally Stone
    • Betty K
    • MaryEllen
    • AllieJ
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,013
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. 777fleetleader777
      777fleetleader777
      (21 years old)
    2. ArinHallm3
      ArinHallm3
      (18 years old)
    3. ITakMyTime
      ITakMyTime
      (70 years old)
    4. Jess31
      Jess31
      (40 years old)
    5. Natalie71645
      Natalie71645
      (39 years old)
  • Posts

    • KymmieL
      Well it is a no go for the new position. OH, well. nothing ventured nothing gained.   Kymmie
    • Davie
      Dickey Betts, the singer, songwriter, and guitarist of the Allman Brothers Band whose piercing solos, beloved songs and hell-raising spirit defined the band and Southern rock in general, died Thursday morning 04/18/2024 at the age of 80. Rest in peace...
    • MaeBe
      Thank you @Mirrabooka!
    • April Marie
      What an amazing life you've shared with your wife. I can understand the trepidation you had at telling her at that point in your relationship but it certainly saved all of the guilt, the questioning and the secrecy that would have filled your lives had you not.   I'm on the other end of the spectrum having denied and buried my truth for decades and fast approaching 50 years of marriage when the dysphoria and depression finally came to critical mass and I unloaded it all on a New Year's Day morning. As you might imagine, it led to a lot of questions, of questioning everything, of anger and hurt on my wife's part. Guilt, embarrassment, fear...and anything else you can imagine on my part.   Thankfully, our love for each other has always been the foundation of our relationship and, ultimately, we both agreed that staying together was what we both wanted. It was a tough year but, now into the 2d since my coming out, we've hit our stride and are exploring this new norm in our life.   I do so love your blog.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Will be at my place
    • Vidanjali
      Congratulations on your new family member!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I thought I would try my version of this. Changes in bold.   I am Transgender.  Sometimes it is remote, sometimes close. Sometimes I am euphoric, sometimes depressed. It is something I cannot get away from and cannot welcome enough. I see some things both ways that neither men as men see or women as women see.  I can be gentle and compassionate and hard as nails. I was born with male genitals but a female heart   I have my heart.  Whatever it is. When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her  Depends on the woman.  When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him   Ditto. I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female Depends. Sometimes I get angry at them because women spend time and energy in ways men don't.  It is not necessarily bad.  I could do without the gossip. Not all women gossip.  Excessive focus on fashion is something I find annoying. And expensive. I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood. Sometimes it is helpful to put on the Iron Man suit and act accordingly.  But I have seen some tough women. When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality. I could go either way, mostly. Really.  In tests in the last two years technicians have gone really quiet when they see how little body and leg hair I have.  I looked at myself this morning.  Remove a few clues and a girl is standing there. When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality. At this point I am not going to do that. In the mood I am in I might break the mirror. My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion. Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level.  Not sure I want to make that statement so categorically. Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.   Well put. The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself. I've got priorities beyond this that this must fit into. The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself.  Would be neat. Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile.   Would be neat.  There are downsides.  Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad.   I have had lots of practice accepting this. I am Transgender....I am a girl
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Good listener, respect them, and show sympathy/empathy, even just being there
    • Ashley0616
      Getting dog today he's potty trained
    • Sally Stone
      Think positively, Ashley.  I have no doubt you'll find your king or queen at some point.   Hugs,   Sally
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob had the night off from teaching kara-tay and they planned to spend a lot of it at Cabaret.   Once in, Taylor waited for her man to park and looked around.  There was a sign "Mary, Paul and Peter LIVE tonight" and, sure enough, three microphones were standing in the open area.  A new hostess came up to her. "Are you alone?" "Oh, no.  He's coming." Taylor was led to a table. Bob was there in a minute and managed to get in there and seat her.  She smiled. "The act will be along in a few minutes. And Congratulations! I am SO EXCITED!!" Taylor responded to his look. "I got promoted." "To what?" "Head of Marketing." "You're kidding." "Nope.  It seems the Board finally woke up to the fact that the China cash cow may come to an end and they need to do something. Did you know that the VPs on up all get over a million dollars in compensation without really doing anything?" "No." "I am supposed to figure out how to re-energize over thirty acres of factory that have laid idle for forty years or more." "Why don't they do it?" She whispered,"the head of production is the son of the previous head of production. He has never produced anything."  She explained that everything was made in China and exported back to the US and sold under different brand names. "How am I going to find someone?" He smiled. "Congratulations. Sounds like a problem.  Hey, today we were talking about problems at our Philly plant.  One, it was built before World War 2. Second the city and state are tightening regulations and the tax structure is adverse.  Third, we get protestors every day, some of whom break into the factory.  People are talking about relocating." "We are forty miles from an interstate." "That is a plus.  Makes it harder for protestors to find us if we moved here." "You are really thinking that?" "I am, right now. I can't speak for the company.  I know there is a rail line." "Spur, actually, with several sidings.  The buildings are in good shape." "Do you have about five acres we could look at? How about if I take some pictures and send them off?" "Great.  And protestors would not be tolerated in Millville.  The factory area once upon a time was the main employer and people are very protective." Two weeks later she was in Philadelphia with Gibson and a few others.  The deal was signed and by end of summer ten acres, with an option on another ten, were being upgraded and equipment was coming in by rail. Not five, but ten.  She got a $20,000 bonus out of the blue.  The company was flush with Chinese cash that they didn't know what to do with. She was developing plans. But back to dinner.  "Did I tell you what they are paying me?" "No." She told him. "That is more than I am making." "You don't sound happy." "It takes some getting used to.  You are Management and Croesus combined." "Yeah. Is this a problem?" "No.  As I said, it takes some getting used to."  The musicians arrived and were introduced: three local teenagers in Peter Paul and Mary clothing and wigs like it was the 60s.  They began singing. "They are good," she said. "They are lip-synching." "They are good at lip-synching." They listened for a while. "Work is going to be intense for a while." "I'll bet." "I won't be able to talk to you about some of it." "I bet." They had a good evening.   The high point for Bob was that she let him put his hand on hers.  The high point for her was Bob did not seem threatened by her now being Management and making more than he did with a Masters. She didn't tell him she was likely to be in on the distribution of money the Chinese sent every year to keep them fat and happy.  But she had to finish up that report, so the evening ended early.  He drove her home, checked her apartment for people and again walked away hearing her lock the door three times.  She didn't say it, but he knew she was going to have a long talk with her therapist as well.   Her therapist was a night owl.  
    • Ashley0616
      envy: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage obsolete : MALICE : an object of envious notice or feeling
    • MaeBe
      I sit back and think, am I this person? I definitely argue, but with the willingness to alter my opinion if I find that my information is lacking. So, no? I also don't go pointing fingers in faces like a crazed person, usually I am the one to argue with that kind of person; typically because they can't see past emotion and have little concern for actual facts. Sometimes it's sport that I do this (ENTP, baby!), but usually it comes from a place of trying to inform and shift opinion--or at least get them to actually obtain facts or get their facts from objective sources.
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...