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confused and conflicted


Willow

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So, I've had feelings, or needs since I was around 12 years old.  I have known for years that I would have times when I was feeling the need to be female but I would become depressed about having those feelings. They would come and go throughout my life, but in the past few years mostly came and stayed. When they became stronger and more consistent is when I finally decided I needed to see a therapist.  I've been seeing a therapist and it didn't take long until we determined that I met the criteria of having gender dysphoria.  I identify as MtF, and he approved HRT.  

 

I told my wife and she reacted badly to my story.  I decided to hold off on the HRT, at least for now.  After having a meeting with my doctor, he put me on an anti-depressant.  he also arranged to meet with my wife and I together to discuss what was going on with me.  Since that meeting my wife has tried to learn more about my dysphoria and my needs.  But she still thinks it has to do with something she did or didn't do and that if she does more for me she can fix this.  I've told her that it isn't anything she can change.  But at least we are talking and working together, although she has clearly stated that if I transition, she wants no part of living or being with a woman.  That hasn't changed.

 

The anti-depressant rather quickly started affecting me.  Initially I described the feeling as emotionally flat-lined.  Now, my mood has changed to feeling happy and smiling again.  My roller coaster went from depressed to happy when I finally let out to the therapist what was going on, back to depressed after I told my wife and now happy again.  The problem is that along with that happiness I have both more desire to be with my wife, but I also have become more intensely desiring to be feminine.  Hence, I am confused and conflicted.

 

Willow 

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We talked more this morning about what's going on and did I feel more manly?  I had to admit that I did not and that my feminine feelings were not something that she could change or that I could control.  I had not understood them but they have been there most of my life. I told her that I am trying to be more open and honest with her, but I don't know where things will end up.  We are both confused about this.  I love my wife and my family but as my therapist says, for once I need to think more about my needs and be more assertive instead of being someone who didn't "rock the boat".

 

 

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I'm glad the antidepressant is working for you.  Frequently one is needed to help rise out of the funk we find ourselves in.  I'm glad your wife attended a meeting with your therapist.  It can be an eye opening experience.  That she wants no part of living with a woman is something you may not be able to change so prepare for the worse but plan for the best.  Keep your love for her in the forefront.  Don't speed otherwise you may lose her forever.  

 

Being honest and open is good but realize in the early stages even we can be confused about where our head is at and the direction to take.  I know I said things early on that I wish I could take back as I evolved quite differently.  Thinking for and of yourself is important.  Remember she is transitioning along with you.

 

Jani

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We might's well be the same person, except that I'm too afraid to rock the boat, tried twice now and each time a disaster.... Going to be this fake person as long as I can for the sake of my children and to extend the amount of time I have with my wife who I love, but she wants NOTHING to do with me being a woman. Good luck to you Willow, I hope for the best. 

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My wife also made the declaration that she never wanting to be with a woman.  As Jani mentioned i planned for the worse but hoped.........   It has worked out for us.  Time, patience and tenderness helped us move forward.  I'm sure she would love to have him back but loves me as i am.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Charlize, I am glad to hear that you and your wife have been able to move forward.  That is encouraging.  I think the seeds for that happening for me have been planted.  Whether they sprout and grow remains to be determined but I’m hoping that by slowing down I will be able to work out my needs with out losing her.

 

Willow

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Chuck, I have been following your posts and I agree with you.  Our situations are nearly identical.  I don’t recall you mentioning having a therapist.  I would highly recommend that you find someone that you can talk to about your needs.  I don’t like to talk about my private thoughts and share.  I would say that for many years I refused to admit my depression.   I quickly realized I had found a good one that I could be open with.  Besides talking about being trans, he had me take a personality test.  I was amazed how accurate that turned out to be in calling out my traits.  It was from discussing that and my relationship with my wife and parents growing up that the comments about not rocking the boat came up.  

 

I know there are others that are members here who have some training in counseling but one on one face to face at least to start.  You have to do that to get approval for hrt and more anyway.  How many sessions is really up to you.  I could have started hurt after just a few.  But I have continued because of my other issues.  And it’s helping me with my wife, learning how to talk with her in ways I never could.

 

lets keep sharing.  Don’t give up , keep trying but try to find a way to gain support not more angst.

 

Willow

 

 

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Another thing my therapist said to me is I need to talk to others that feel like I do.  So I am trying to read more posts from others and respond as well as write more about myself.  As I said earlier in this thread, talking about myself and my secrets has never come easy for me.  So, be patient as I try to tell more of my story a little at a time.

 

Another point of confusion and conflict for me comes from one of my personality traits.  I can be impulsive without considering the future consequences.  Now I know that everything I've told either my medical doctor nor my therapist regarding my feminist feelings is true.  But, this has made me question myself.  When I asked about HRT, was I being impulsive?  Some of what I've read here suggests many of you have waited years to get approved for HRT and while I've been secreting my feelings, once I admitted them I was approved in weeks.  I've dressed before but never out publicly.  Never told anyone how I felt.  Is this too quick?  is it impulsive on my part?  Is it something I may regret?  I just don't know right now which way to turn.  I think its something I need to do for myself but should i?

 

Willow

 

 

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Willow part of keeping a secret as we have, is being introverted so not to reveal too much about ourselves.  Once the secret is out there is no need to hide.  You can be more open, little by little.   You'll get there girl!

 

I can't say whether you'll regret anything but we do seem to move at our own pace, speeding up and slowing down as needed.  In the beginning it is easy to race along as all those pent up years try to break free.  It will moderate.  When I started therapy I wanted HRT soon but I realized I needed to go no faster than my wife.  Then I realized there is more to this than I imagined and I needed to slow down and absorb what was happening for me.   It was almost 8 months before I started HRT and then it was a low dosage so I could gauge how my body and mind would react.  I tend to be cautious in certain things despite having a wild streak in others.  

 

Whether it is impulsive or too quick is for you to know.  Once we initiate the process it may seem quick but its just another  phase of life and our awakening.  We all need to do things for ourselves.  In moderate doses its healthy to treat ourselves.  Just keep the big picture in focus and you'll be fine. 

 

Jani

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Willow we all have our paths, doubts and growth in the understanding of ourselves.  My path had me dressed and venturing into the world years prior to HRT but much of that time was at gay bars and while i found the experience liberating (and exciting) they certainly didn't lead to any advances in self discovery or acceptance.  Going out into the cis world without the assistance of alcohol was a much different proposition.  I was attending meetings as myself to help with my addiction and then one evening after a meeting i found this site.  Opening up here about myself as well as reaching out to others as i tried to understand similarities as well as differences was critical for me.  When i did go to therapy i decided to go as myself.  My therapist was happy that i was a member here.   Therapy helped but i still had doubts.  I think most of us have doubts.  That is probably healthy.

Take your time and try to enjoy the process.  Making small steps is maybe the best way to make sure we don't step into a hole before we see it.

Glad your here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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I really appreciate everyone here and the feedback from each of you.  My wife and 

I were talking some more this evening.  I think she is beginning to understand that there isn’t a cure for feeling like this.  It’s not something I can control or that I can change.  I can try to ignore these feelings and needs as I have for many years, but I can’t stop them.  Neither can my therapist nor my doctor.  They can help me along the way, but both have said it’s up to me.  

 

I was explaining to her that I talk to you all and read your stories on this site to learn from your experiences that you share and write about.  I am hoping that we can continue to work through this together.

 

Willow

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I’m having a bad day today. Not from questioning but because I am feeling stronger that I need to transition and that is going to cause problems for my wife.  Whatever I do it either hurts me or her.  We are trying to help each other but I don’t think she can accept me if I transition.  We took our granddaughter to a movie this afternoon for two reasons, to entertain her, and to take my mind off things.  As the movie was starting I was pretty upset.  My wife realized how I was and reached over and took my hand. I really needed that and told her so.

 

Willow

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Understand that your wife may support and love you but won't be able to stay as married.  Take the time to consider each others thoughts.

 

Jani 

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On 6/21/2018 at 4:59 PM, Willow said:

Another point of confusion and conflict for me comes from one of my personality traits.  I can be impulsive without considering the future consequences.  Now I know that everything I've told either my medical doctor nor my therapist regarding my feminist feelings is true.  But, this has made me question myself.  When I asked about HRT, was I being impulsive?  Some of what I've read here suggests many of you have waited years to get approved for HRT and while I've been secreting my feelings, once I admitted them I was approved in weeks.  I've dressed before but never out publicly.  Never told anyone how I felt.  Is this too quick?  is it impulsive on my part?  Is it something I may regret?  I just don't know right now which way to turn.  I think its something I need to do for myself but should i?

 

 

 

 

 

For my self, I thought I might be non-binary, genderfluid or a cross dresser. I started going out in public in October of 2015,  I could not wait to do it again. I then spent a weekend as cross dressing  that November expecting to get tire of it. I then told my therapist I wanted to start in January after spending an entire month presenting a woman. (I figured if I did not wan to going back to being him, I was ready for HRT. I started HRT in January of 2017.  

 

That was just part of my own path, several months previous to that I was questioning things. This is a process not a race, take as much time as you feel you need to sort through it all.   

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12 hours ago, Willow said:

I’m having a bad day today. Not from questioning but because I am feeling stronger that I need to transition and that is going to cause problems for my wife.  Whatever I do it either hurts me or her.  We are trying to help each other but I don’t think she can accept me if I transition.  We took our granddaughter to a movie this afternoon for two reasons, to entertain her, and to take my mind off things.  As the movie was starting I was pretty upset.  My wife realized how I was and reached over and took my hand. I really needed that and told her so.

 

Willow

 

For myself, there were issues in the marriage beyond my transitioning. Deciding to transition basically exposed all the issues clearly for me, so I had to decide if the marriage was worth trying to save over my mental health. It made it obvious (but not easy) to decide that I was going to transitioning.  We had been married for 3 years and had no kids. 

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The best advice I can give couples in transition is what I learned going through transition myself.  Each person will need to learn to SAY very hard things to each other and also, learn to HEAR very hard things from each other.  Everyone thinks they're good at doing that but I'm talking about a much deeper level that I've rarely seen in relationships that haven't gone through something apocalyptic.  Tell each other the most raw and naked feelings you are having ALL THE TIME - don't stockpile emotions or things you're thinking about.  Hear each other's pain.  Help each other process it without being defensive.  In addition to having a gender therapist, we worked with a marriage counselor who facilitated our so-called hard discussions until we learned the skill and could do it on our own.  We started with nearly impossible odds coming from conservative and religious territory with only a moderate marriage.  I was positive she was going to leave me when I told her but she stayed by me hard as it was for her.  We went slow TOGETHER and slowly got proficient at communicating until there was nothing we couldn't talk through.  Today we're through the fog and doing better than ever.  It CAN happen but it takes a LOT of hard work.  Others have not been so fortunate as we have so don't be discouraged if your relationship doesn't survive.  What I'm offering is only advice, not a guarantee.  Best of luck to all who read this.

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MarcieMarie12DenimAndLace

 I won't say we haven't had issues with our marriage.  But, we've been married for over 46 years.  Two kids, three granddaughters.  Neither of us want this, but as everyone here knows, it isn't a choice.  As my therapist said to me during one session, if we had a choice, would any of us choose to be this different?  I've been denying my feelings for nearly 60 years.  Always thought it was a fetish or something. i hide everything from everyone.  I never really put it together with my episodes of depression.  My wife recognized I needed to see someone for the depression years before i did. I kept insisting I was fine.  When it started really getting in the way of life I finally saw my doctor for an anti-depressant.  I suppose it helped but life happened.  Our then 6 year old granddaughter was diagnosed with cancer, a brain tumor.  Three 12 to 16 hours surgeries, chemo, proton radiation, traditional radiation, experimental treatments, 18 month of trying everything we could to save her, she told us God had told her it was time to come home.  My doctor gave me more anti-depressants.  

 

The two in combination gave me really bad GERD, which in turn gave me laryngeal cancer.  That is essentially cured.  But I stopped all the anti-depressants.  That's when everything got worse for me.  I finally told myself i needed to find a therapist.  Still didn't tell her why except for the depression from the death of our granddaughter.  after just a few sessions, the dam broke and I told him everything.   I was not on anti-depressants, but was relieved and happy for the first time in many years.  a few more sessions and I asked about HRT and he approved it.  Instead of HRT I got a different anti-depressant from my new doctor.  At first I was emotionless, now I am back to feeling better but along with that the desire to be female has gotten stronger.  I suppose due to lower inhibitions.  I guess we just have to see where this goes.    Willow

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Willow,

...I'm sorry you've had to deal with all that Willow.  Especially your granddaughter.  That's more than anyone should have to bear.  I Don't think I'll ever forget the time my marriage counselor looked at me and said, "you've had a hard life".  Which, I mean, she has worked with a lot of people right?  And for her to judge MY life as hard is really saying something.  ...I'd say, depression, cancer, and loss of a grandchild would have to rank among apocalyptic. 

I wonder if even a low dose of E and an anti-androgen (LITERALLY for emotional reasons) would help you.  I've heard so many say HRT improved their mental health - it did mine.  Maybe that's all the further down transitions road you'd need to go???  It's a slippery slope though.

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Based on what I’ve read here and elsewhere that’s what I’d like to try but I’m not sure that’s going to be enough E for me long term.  I have no intention or current desire for SRS or GCS. 

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I'm sorry to read about the loss of your grand daughter.  I know from personal experience the loss of a child is the hardest thing to go through.  I've done the cancer thing too and it's no fun.  We are here if you need us.  Many of us have similar situations and we can at least offer support. 

 

You never know, E has changed my outlook totally.  Its not unheard of to go on low dosage for long term.  It can be a game changer.  

 

Jani

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Thank you for the kind thoughts about my granddaughter.  Let me say this, if you ever stop at a McDonalds and there is a collection for Ronald McDonald House, please leave your change..  my daughter and granddaughter lived 5 days a week for months at the one in Philadelphia while under going treatments.  most of the time someone paid the few dollars a day they asked for or it was comped. breakfast and dinner every day, were brought in by volunteers.  It’s a great thing when you need it.

 

i do expect to talk more to my doctor about starting hrt.  I have an appointment this coming week.  We’ve already done the all blood work and know that I am at low risk for any of the dangerous sides effects.  That and see what he wants to do with my anti depressant dosage.

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Willow, my sincere condolence to you and your granddaughter's parents. I, like you denied and hid my feelings for 58 of my 70 years, so I can relate to your situation. As others have said, HRT can be a game changer. I know that it has changed my outlook on life and the way I perceive the world in general. 

Take your time, move at your own pace, consider your wife's need to assess her feelings and process any information that she gets. You will get to your destination in due time.

Best of luck,

Brandi 

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Hi Willow.

   There are so many similarities in our stories.  My wife and i stayed at a Ronald McDonnell House as our son lay dying at Cooper Medical in Camden although i doubt we ever slept that week.  The loss of a child affects us for a lifetime. 

   We have also been married 46 years.  My drinking escalated in my life perhaps as a way of self medicating.  When i had my first heart attack and subsequent open heart surgery i retired which made that situation even worse.  

   I am blessed to have reached out to AA.  After some years there at the age of 63 i also went to therapy and opened up about my gender issues.  Shortly afterwards i went full time, started HRT a bit later and finally had an orchiectomy as the blockers were causing problems for my health. 

   I am truly glad you found us here.  I was told by one of the sponsors when i first started my journey:  "We've got your back."

It's true.  Hope it helps you as it did me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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I am greatful that I found all of you here.  The responses have been supportive and caring.  I am new at this and as I’ve said I’ve always been pretty secretive and unwilling to share.  That said I am really trying to open up.  To make a difference in my life and hopefully help someone else too.  

 

Even if I am new to all this, i,  like you, have been around the block a few times and maybe some of my wisdom and experience can help one of the younger members.  And clearly you sharing yours with me is helping me.

 

thanks for being here.

 

Willow

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Gender dysphoria gives us so much to hide!  We get amazingly good at hiding things and presenting a persona of ourselves that conforms to what others want.  But then we crack.  It happened to me, it happens to many.  Is it happening to you???  :)   It's a good thing and this is a good, safe place to write about how you're feeling because we get it.  Funny story: I started my journey in a different forum.  I lurked and finally posted a little.  Then the floodgates opened and when I left that forum (because it wasn't a transgender forum per se) I printed out everything I wrote over two years; it was 256 single space pages!!!  ...That's when I realized the full value of journaling for me. 

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