confused and conflicted

[Willow]

It's a beautiful mornin'
I think I'll go outside a while,
An just smile.
Just take in some clean fresh air, boy
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine and you got the time.
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day.
Either way,
It's a beautiful mornin'
Each bird keeps singin' his own song.

 

The Rascals

 

 

[Jani]

It always seems that there is a song to go along with our feelings.  Wonderful! 

 

Jani

[Willow]

Talked with my therapist yesterday and my doctor today.  The doctor increased my anti-depressant and explained that every emotion and change I went through the last month was exactly what he would have expected and predicted.  Otherwise he wants me to continue to seeing the therapist.

[Jani]

That's good that you had that discussion.  You're doing fine.

 

Jani

[Willow]

The increased dosage of antidepressants is mellowing me out. My desires are more under control which will make it easier to go slower.  I know that’s what my wife needs me to do if we are going to work things out.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Hi Everyone,

 

I continue to be confused and conflicted.  Today, we went to a Sunday School Class for the first time in many years.  Coincidence or where we drawn to it?  The class is Paul's journey to becoming a follower.  Both my wife and I saw it immediately as talking about my journey.  Is there a bigger reason for this at this point in my life?  Why am I being led in this direction?  Her initial reaction was annoyance but it soon turned to questioning why as well and was this class meant for her to help her understand?

 

One thing she is upset about is when I say I don't know where this is going or where it will end up.  I understand that but I've said I don't know either.  A huge question to me and the doctor is does depression bring out my femininity or vice versa.  My therapist believes the shame of feeling feminine brings on the depression but can't explain why both come and go and I can't identify which comes first, I never paid attention to that.

 

So we continue to move slowly on and try to figure things out, all four of us together.  Me and my wife, my therapist and my doctor.  I've got good people looking out for me at home and here.

 

Thank you all

 

Willow 

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Willow said:

One thing she is upset about is when I say I don't know where this is going or where it will end up.  I understand that but I've said I don't know either.  A huge question to me and the doctor is does depression bring out my femininity or vice versa.  My therapist believes the shame of feeling feminine brings on the depression but can't explain why both come and go and I can't identify which comes first, I never paid attention to that.

 

It is hard for those who aren't in our shoes to relate but keep working with your therapist and keeping your wife in the loop.  I would try to be as concrete as possible, as moment to moment thoughts of back and forth are bound to confuse and confound her more than comfort.   Remember we need to love ourselves in order to show love to others.

 

Jani

[Willow]

I haven’t added to my post in quite a while.  Lots has happened.  First, the anti depressants I’m on have worked. I’m much happier than I’ve been in years.  My therapist has put me on a come see me when you need me. My son took me to Scotland for some father son bonding.  Finally, while I have been questioning what’s really right for me, my doctor said I my thougts would return again.  

 

Not it really sure where that puts me.  I guess I’ll continue to go slow and see where this path takes me.

 

Willow

 

[Jani]

Thanks for checking back in Willow.  I'm happy to hear the medication is working for you and I hope your trip to Scotland was enjoyable.  I'm afraid your doctor is correct about the thoughts returning.  Remember you can be happy wherever you choose to be.  Some people need to fully transition while others are happy with a piece of it.  You can do what satisfies you in your life.   Whether that is full time, part time, just dressing at home, or just underdressing.  It might mean a low dosage of estrogen as it seems to help many.  I know you have been considerate of your wife's concerns.  Thats good.  

 

All my best, Jani 

[Willow]

thanks Jani.  I'm doing the best I can right now.  Somewhat back to where I was for years with fighting with my own feelings.  The medication helps.

 

Willow

[Willow]

I haven't added to this in a while but I have some things to add.  My therapist put me on come back if I need him back in July.  I saw him yesterday because I had a few thing to talk about.  

 

I finally convinced my wife to see a therapist to talk about her concerns, including me.

 

She and I had a serious talk on Monday.  I was expecting the "I don't like this and that about you", I took the approach that I am what I am and I'd been that way all my life and can't change that.  turns out she is coming around and wants to restart our intimacy as it had been before I told her I was trans.  Surprise!  

 

[BrandiBri]

Sounds like things are getting better! Keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Brandi

[Jani]

This is good news Willow.  I hope things work out for both of you.

 

Jani

[Willow]

Something I didn't mention, back in July my wife "made me up"  I posted a picture here for a few days but took it down.  Anyway, at the time she said I needed a purplish lipstick.  Now, whether she was kidding or serious at that time is up for debate.  But this week we've been back and forth about the lipstick.  So, she bought me a purple lipstick yesterday and when we got home, put it on me.

 

My point here is that regardless of how everything works out in the end, we are getting things together again.  

 

We evacuated for hurricane Florence and have returned home.  Good news, no damage!  Or so we thought.  Now we are being told to expect to be flooded out this week as the waters flow down the rivers to the ocean.  The hurricane that just keeps on causing grief in an area that isn't supposed to suffer from hurricanes.

 

If stress brings on depression and depression brings on my feminine needs, I'll be looking for more help.

 

Willow

 

[Michelle F]

Hi Willow... I've been reluctant to post because how totally opposite our scenarios are.. We are nearly same age. Im 64. I have had the female proclivities my entire life. I think my mother even had an inkling my plumbing was wrong. 

 

In my situation I wasn't aware I was hiding anything. I am not gay but my roommate is. 

 

I had told my doc last April I wanted to transition once I realised I was displayng more fem attributes than masculine. He did blood work and found I was naturally low testosterone and high estradiol for a man so I went on HRT immediately. I formally came out on my birthday and started presenting female full-time. Now we are actually moving towards top and bottom surgery.

 

See, I have no one to tell me no or try and talk me out of it. Divorced twice and my son's disowned me for other reasons their mother told them. So my transition was effortless. My roommate is now my life partner and I've never been happier!

 

I am sorry to read about your granddaughter. That has to be tough. Hang in there and keep posting...

 

I found the Estrodiol calmed my nerves. This can help. I haven't  had the rollercoaster effect so I can't really add much.

 

Good luck

 

Love,

Michelle 

 

[Willow]

Hi Michelle

 

i have to say I think my mother and sister knew something that I didn’t.  Thanks for the thoughts about my granddaughter that was and still is weighing on the family. While their father is technically still in their lives, both of them look for any excuse to not see him. At 14 and 11 my daughter allows them to decide but they have to tell their father they aren’t coming.  That adds pressure to me as the only true male figure they still respect.  The older one wishes she could live with us.  

 

Anyway, things are looking up for me towards at least part time.  One step at a time and going slow is paying off.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Conversation with my wife is becoming easier and more understanding.  From others posts I've read it seems like that is the most difficult part to work out.  While I didn't take a poll, at least those I read seem to be split between those whose spouse stuck by and those who didn't.  I would have thought I'd end up in the later group the way things started out but she is becoming more understanding and like me doesn't want to let this end our marriage.  

 

We are both compromising, she is allowing for me to have my feelings and starting to allow some changes, I am not pushing it and am not running out buying feminine clothing or taking E, at least not yet.  I do think as hair is my biggest dysphoria and growing my hair out is both very slow and impossible to fill in completely, so I think my next push will be getting a wig I can wear when I want that looks good.  That won't be easy but If I go for something more on the androgynous side, not real feminine but not totally manly either, I might get this accepted.  I would allow her to help pick it out too.

 

Willow

[Kati]

I wish hair wasn't almost always a concern with which we must contend.  As I was reading your words I was thinking what step you could take to bridge the gap between where you are at right now and a wig.  Nothing brilliant here, I don't do brilliant or anything close to it, but about an androgynous hat?  Admittedly it might be a hard find, but for instance, some baseball caps in terms of color and design have a degree of femininity.  

 

Just a thought.  Well, perhaps just a partial thought.  Well actually, a microscopic segment of a thought.  So much for my thinking.

 

Well intentioned, seriously underwhelming.

 

All the best,

 

Kati

[Willow]

Thanks Kati

 

Every idea expressed is a good idea, and infinitely better than one not expressed.  Yes, that could be a next step.  I already wear more feminine colors when I can.  I have a kilt and intend to wear it to church in a few weeks.  Now it's definitely a mans kilt in Scotland, in fact it was custom made for me in Scotland and I picked it up in Edinburgh.  But lets face it, men infrequently wear kilts in the US.  So, that's an in-between thing too.  I rather expect a few heads to turn.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Hi y’all

 

ok I’m not really a southerner and. Don’t normally talk like that but what the heck I live in the south now so why not.

 

If you’ve read my other posts you should know that I have three main dysphorias.  Lack of hair, facial and body hair and breasts.  I address the body hair by shaving it sometimes daily, legs. Weekly.  Facial, daily.  But the only thing I can do about my head is a wig.  

 

My my wife doesn’t understand that need and is against the idea.  Especially knowing that I’ve been looking at women’s wigs that I feel are androgynous.  I tried to talk to her. About it tonight.  No response I tried to explain that men’s wigs (decent ones anyway) cost about double similarity shaped and styled women’s wigs..  I had already tried an inexpensive men’s wig and we both agreed it looked hideous.  Right out of the Halloween Store .  I told her that one big difference is that men’s tended to be more greys or salt and pepper than the women’s .  I offered that she talk to our therapist about it and I would abide by his thoughts.  Finally a response, you talk to him.  I said ok but would she accept his suggestions if I was the one that discussed it with him?  Back to the silent treatment except I could tell she was crying quietly.

 

im trying to go slow but I know she still thinks this is something I can get over and doesn’t accept or understand I’ve been fighting myself for years trying not to admit it to myself let alone anyone else.

 

bad day, worse night.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Hey y’all  (hmm l think I like that better)

 

so we had several conversations yes conversation not fights though they got emotional this week.  First one was I should get a wig because she didn’t want me to be resentful but she didn’t want to be part of it.  Another was a little harsher, get the wig but I don’t want to hear about it.  Finally, it came up again, she brought it up.  I explained I wanted her help to make sure it was one that looked good, and she’d already pointed out things I wouldn’t have thought of.  She agreed and we went together to a wig store.  Picked out one and tried it but not quite right.  She convinced me to try a different one.  She, the sales lady and I all agreed. It looked good.  I went home with that one and I’m happy with it.  Not ready to share a picture with it yet but that won’t be long.  

 

We we are talking more about things these days than I think we did the previous 46 years we’ve been together.  It was tough getting here but things are looking up.  Like you all said, it was a shock to her and I need to go slow and allow her time to work through this.  You were right.  We, for that matter, I have a long way to go but I’m happier and we are closer, than it’s been for a long time.

 

Willow

[BrandiBri]

Willow, I am happy that conversations are starting to take shape instead of fighting. For me, the 46 years that my  late wife and I were married I had to hide as male for her and my kids. She would not accept me as a crossdresser. Since that was what I thought I was I tried my best to keep her happy. Taking it slowly for your wife's sake is a good idea,since she will need to have time to absorb the changes that are taking place in both of your lives. She is now transitioning as well as you. Her support concerning a wig is a wonderful step.

 

Brandi

[Jani]

Good news that your wife assisted you in selecting a hairpiece.  She is moving slowly but thats OK.  You didn't move quickly at first either.  Give her all the time she needs.  All my best to you.

Jani

[Willow]

Brandi and Jani,

 

thanks for the support and comments.  Yes things were pretty bad when I first told her about me and my needs but we have been working harder than ever to keep things together and work out our differences.

 

Everyone here has made good suggestions that have helped.

 

Willow

 

[DenimAndLace]

On 10/14/2018 at 11:00 PM, Willow said:

We we are talking more about things these days than I think we did the previous 46 years we’ve been together

 

THAT!  Right there!!!  That gets me excited for your relationship Willow.  Communication is the shelter that enabled my marriage to weather the storm of transition.  Never make a move until both are in agreement.  If you don't agree; communicate more.  Great news!  Keep it up.