Restroom Issues

[Raven1981]

Hello All:

 

Want to ask for any suggestions and help with the restrooms.  I know that this is a very touchy subject with how it has been in the news, but I have caught myself that when I am out in public as myself and I need to use the restroom, that it is a big delima on which one to use.  I am afraid to go into the mens room cause I look female but I am afraid to go into the womens room cause I feel that I dont pass enough and so I am confused as to which restroom do I use.  So I usually end up making sure that if I go out that I dont really have anything to drink and that I try to use the restroom at home, but when I am out and I need to go is when I am confused and end up trying to race home to use the restroom.

 

What is everyone's thoughts on this and how do you combat this?

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[ChickenLittle]

Hi Amy!

 

I wish I had a solution but I struggle with the same problem. There are various apps that have maps showing where businesses have gender-neutral bathrooms available, so maybe that could help? One is called Refuge Restrooms, I think. I know many Targets have one stand-alone family bathroom so if I'm anywhere near a Target I go in and use that. And I keep a mental map of all the places with single-occupant restrooms because they're less scary. 

[Jani]

Its hard to gauge from here but go where you feel comfortable.  If you feel unsafe in the men's room, don't use it. 

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

I really think it’s another case of fear. And confidence. Once you have that confidence it’ll be nothing. As Jani said if you feel unsafe in the men’s room use the women’s. The first 100 times may be scary but it’ll go away. Right?! Right. ?

[BrandiBri]

As ChickenLitte said, Target has family rooms, but their policy is that you can use whatever room you want, so if you want to use the restroom that matches your gender you have that right.

[VickySGV]

My experience has been that I receive less pushback from women, and that women have such a wide range of styles and body shapes already that we are saved by that factor alone.  If you can, go with another woman who is your passport.  Do be wary if a male is standing outside "guarding" it though, they have challenged cis women who did not fit the male's notion of femininity .  On the other side of that, I was chased away from men"s RRs long before I felt passable because I looked female to them.  WTH

[Willow]

A lot of smaller places have gender neutral male female restrooms and bigger places especially malls have family restrooms.  I'd look for those until you become more comfortable with using the women's room.

 

Willow

[Michelle F]

Amy... I am gaining understanding as I go. I am naturally AR ( A. Retentive), low testosterone, will knowingly and willingly ask a cop, busy doing his job, how to get to Wal-Mart across from the Target at the Target across from Wal-Mart with a Fluid French accent! I haven't insisted on pronouns yet.

 

Oddly, I am a social animal now. I tell anyone that will listen what I am doing with my life. 

 

Here is what I have found being myself, in the wild (public) dressed how I want. I am starting a new thread in a minute... 

 

You see Amy, I stumbled into Palm Springs, CA a week after Mother's Day in '17. I was not out in any way.

 

I got lucky and was formally introduced to an acquaintance I had met earlier became attached to me and visa versa which was a bit confusing as I was 'not' gay!. I did not like men or anyone for that matter. So falling for this guy was weird. He, however, recognized a soul instead of a goal. So he nursed me thru coming out and it was effortless. 

 

Within 6 weeks I was fully out and not happy with my wardrobe! In fact, it was flat disgusting to me I had completely shifted my train of thought from manspeak to womanspeak almost over night. We have an amazing relationship. It all comes down to no sex. Really!

 

Be forth! Becoming

[Raven1981]

Hello All:

 

Thank you for your good advise and I will try the advise given.  This is all very helpful.

 

Thank you all

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[Michelle F]

6 hours ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

Hello All:

 

Thank you for your good advise and I will try the advise given.  This is all very helpful.

 

Thank you all

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

The thing is, Amy, just be yourself. One day you'll just walk In to the ladies room like you own it! Your self gratitude will be your reward. Go with it. 

 

Just remember...

 

You Are Beautiful! Own it!

 

Michelle

[jae bear]

Hey Amy,

  I think Jani had a really good suggestion about getting comfortable with the idea of using the women’s room, honestly I can’t wait until I can stop using the men’s room it is just always so gross!  I think that building your confidence will be key, and after using the women’s room for a little while you will most likely find it’s no big deal, and that women are nowhere near as ready to mess with another girl as men are. 

 I was out having fun this weekend with some friends, one of whom is FTM, and I swear nothing scares him, at least that’s what it would seem on the surface as I know he does worry a bit about this or that. I’m actually quite proud of him, as much as he down plays his own strength and bravery I find him quite the beacon of masculine fine points, the best of what makes a man a man!  He charged straight into the men’s room and took care of business like a pro, when I found myself standing around waiting for a stall having to tell one patron to feel free to use the urinal and take my turn in line since I’m just “shy“... HA!  Such polar opposite‘s, I’m standing around telling people I’m shy and he just goes in with everyone unnoticed, unbothered and unfettered with other peoples problems and hangups.  I often wish the rest of the men on this planet were so evolved,  we could use more men like that, they certainly would treat women better and leave the men’s room more tidy than this planets knuckle dragging typical male does now.  

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Marbabar]

So many posters have said that women are less prone to bother you about this stuff, but that’s not true in my area at all (urban Utah). We have a polarized population of super-allies and aggressive conservatives with few moderates. So often I find that when there IS a problem it’s the women who are the fierce moral guardians, the first to loudly complain to management, call the cops, or berate you on the spot; while the men give dirty looks. Based on this I feel least safe in a busy women’s restroom.

 

My strategy is one that catches a lot of flak from my queer friends: I literally ask an employee which restroom I should use. That way, if anyone has a problem, I have the safety of having been given “permission.” What happens in practice is usually that the management has never considered the question and stammers something out that they’re making up as they go (hopefully promoting them to craft a concrete policy for the future) and I’m usually told to use whichever one I’m comfortable with. When I’m told to use the men’s, I don’t protest, because I did ask after all.

 

My friends think this is cowardly and gives away my own power, but I’m more concerned about my safety. People here have been known to be fined for “disorderly conduct” for using the “wrong” restroom so it’s important for me to know I’m in the right (even when I disagree).

[SugarMagnolia]

That's a really interesting approach, Marbabar, and one that leaves me with very mixed feelings. I like it because it has a nice sense of politeness and respecting the wishes of the business owner and garnering support from them. But, I can definitely understand the flak from your friends. I think I would end up leaving any establishment that asked me to use the men's room, but then again your area is a bit different culturally than mine. 

This is another case of how there really are no rules and we just have to do what works for us!

[Michelle F]

Having proper legal ID is truly empowering. I don't even hesitate any longer...?

[Lizzie McTrucker]

Find a Starbucks!

 

I've been doing this long enough to where I don't even think about it now. I've been using the ladies room before this controversy, during the controversy, and after the controversy (including going in NC!). I've only had one incident in Nashville where a security guard followed me in and said "this is the woman's room" to which I replied "I know. I'm a woman." then I looked at her like she was an idiot.

Her reply as she left? "well you look different from behind." 

[Jani]

Then stop looking at my behind!  

[Michelle F]

On 6/29/2018 at 9:32 AM, Marbabar said:

So many posters have said that women are less prone to bother you about this stuff, but that’s not true in my area at all (urban Utah). We have a polarized population of super-allies and aggressive conservatives with few moderates. So often I find that when there IS a problem it’s the women who are the fierce moral guardians, the first to loudly complain to management, call the cops, or berate you on the spot; while the men give dirty looks. Based on this I feel least safe in a busy women’s restroom.

 

My strategy is one that catches a lot of flak from my queer friends: I literally ask an employee which restroom I should use. That way, if anyone has a problem, I have the safety of having been given “permission.” What happens in practice is usually that the management has never considered the question and stammers something out that they’re making up as they go (hopefully promoting them to craft a concrete policy for the future) and I’m usually told to use whichever one I’m comfortable with. When I’m told to use the men’s, I don’t protest, because I did ask after all.

 

My friends think this is cowardly and gives away my own power, but I’m more concerned about my safety. People here have been known to be fined for “disorderly conduct” for using the “wrong” restroom so it’s important for me to know I’m in the right (even when I disagree).

Having been born and raised in Ogden I can get a good feel for what you say. That said, the State Government of Utah has some progressive links.

 

For $25, a self addressed, stamped envelope and a copy of my court order Weber County Vital Stats will send my *amended* birth cert with name and gender change applied!

[Michelle F]

Being a full blown longhaired hippie in Ogden in the late 60s was challenging so say the least. I can't even imagine coming out there. Frightening thought actually. Cudos to you, Marbabar! Nothing about coming out in Utah is cowardly. Quite the opposite in fact!

?*huge huggers*?

[Regn]

Kinda late to this but wanted to say as a FTM I'm currently  having the same difficulty. I don't consider myself to pass as male ordinarily (sometimes I do but not regularly). However, a few times now I've scared people in the women's and after the last time I'm really reluctant to go there again. I use gender neutral when I can but it's not always possible. 

 

Whoever thought pee-ing could be so damn complicated