Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

OlyVersion1

A Mistake Like Me

Recommended Posts

OlyVersion1

When I was younger,

I asked God 

To let me become a boy.

I never got what I asked for,

Instead I got a life

Where I feel like anything 

But myself.

 

Everyday I heard people say,

"She's my daughter"

"She's my best friend"

She's this"

She's that"

But I never heard them say he.

I never heard them say

"He's my son"

"He's my best friend"

"He's this"

"He's that"

I never herd them say

"He's a boy"

 

One day,

I decided to give my mom 

And tell her that I'm a boy.

I expected to hear,

"I love my son"

But instead I got 

Half an hour of her explaining

That I'm her daughter

Who was being influenced by society.

Instead I had to 

LIVE with her explaining 

That I'm her daughter 

Being influenced by society 

EVERY SINGLE DAY!

 

I felt broken,

But I couldn't let 

Anyone know,

Because why should

A mistake like me

Tell someone how I feel?

 

I wanted support so much,

So I asked God

Or whoever's up there

For a friend.

I never got a friend

But I found my support.

I found a razor blade 

Sitting in my bathroom,

And I began cutting myself.

He began cutting himself 

EVERY SINGLE DAY!

 

I would have 

Asked for help,

But who would help 

A mistake like me?

 

41% if transgender people

Attempt suicide,

But no one knows how close I was 

To being one of them.

About 4 in 10 transgender people

Attempt suicide

By the age of 20,

And I may or may not be one of them,

But nobody knows that

Because I was lucky enough 

To be unlucky enough 

To wake up.

Breathing.

While everyone said that I was 

A happy girl!

 

I would have 

Asked someone for help,

But who would help 

A mistake like me?

 

Now this boy continues 

To be trapped 

In his body

Like a bird in a cage.

This body has become a prison

To me.

 

I'd do just about

Anything 

To escape this prison, 

But everything I've tried

Never worked.

I was only broken more.

 

And now I walk

On the broken glass

That was made from

What broke me.

 

I wish I didn't 

Have to live with

This pain 

Everyday.

I want it all

To end

So much.

 

And I would ask someone 

For help,

But is there anyone out there

Who would help

A mistake like me?

Share this post


Link to post
BrandiBri

OlyVersion1, welcome to the forums. I can feel the raw emotions in your words, a truly powerful poem indeed. You ask if there is anyone out there who would help and the answer is "YES'. We are a caring, compassionate community of people who understand what you are going through, as we all have gone through some of the things you have stated in your poem. Most of us have lived wishing that we could be the person we wanted to be, rather than what others expected us to be. You have found a safe place to share your feelings and ask questions.

You are not a mistake; rather you are a special, unique person. I believe that God doesn't make mistakes, so I repeat, you are not a mistake.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

Oly you are amongst folks who understand.  While it is true that some of hurt ourselves it is also true that we can find great joy. It took time for me but today i'm accepted as myself and i'm content in my life for the most part.  

I'm glad you have found us!  I found a great deal of help here.  

I found i'm not alone and have made some wonderful friends with time.

When things seem overpowering please post here but if you are suicidal, call the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860 in the US or (877) 330-6366 in Canada, or log in to our live chat room and ask to speak with a crisis moderator.

 I was once told: "we will love you until you can love yourself".  We help each other.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Annie

Oly, you are not a mistake. You are a gift to the world, but if you can't see that now, at least try to see that you are a gift to this community. You are wanted, loved, and celebrated here.

All my love,

Annie

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

You are a "mistake" only to those who live in fear of the true grandeur, diversity, and immensity of Creation. 

 

We are a "mistake" only to those whose inner vision perceives only black and gray and who panic when shown the wonderful kaleidoscope of humanity.

 

The only truly damnable "mistake" is by those who refuse to give love to all creation as it intersects with their narrow self enclosed trudge from birth to grave.   

Share this post


Link to post
Avra

Oh wow, this made me cry. 😭 Please know that you are loved and that you can be a wonderful boy, no matter what anyone says. Don't give up on life. I know how painful rejection is, you're not alone. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's called Love. You don't need your razor blade anymore, you have us, and that's 1000 times better. 🤗

Share this post


Link to post
Tessa

Love has no color Love. ❤️ Love has no rejection and doesn’t cause pain. 😭 Love isn’t cold 🥶 When true love is expressed you feel inside your heart. It can be expressed through a simple word, hug, kiss, intimacy. Love doesn’t make a mistake 🥰.  You are dearly loved beyond all measure!  I’m new here and you wrote this awhile ago. I hope things have improved since then. We all love you! 

 

Beautifully inspired, 

 

Tessa

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 53 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • MaryMary
    • JenJen
    • Dannie
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,031
    • Total Posts
      623,418
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,723
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Erica40
    Newest Member
    Erica40
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Brienne
      Brienne
      (47 years old)
    2. ShyAshley
      ShyAshley
      (33 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      very beautifull song
    • NB Adult
      Wow, absolutely stunning and not at all surprising that boyfriend would be proud to have you by his side! I'm sure that happy look on your face and beautiful smile lit up the entire room.
    • Debra Michelle
      Part of our making money in our towing yard business,most of them were a huge pile of junk.Junkyards bought them.We get one junkyard that comes in buying 10 to 12 vehicles,good to us and says I am a great auctioneer
    • Jani
      That's the way it should be! 
    • NB Adult
      Heck of a business, but clearly it has it's bright upsides!
    • Debra Michelle
      Busy this morning,had an auction at our towing yard.Auctioned off 50 vehicles,5 court seizures and rest of them abandoned.One bidder threw me off a bit,one of the bidding assistants caught it at the right time.He was told to leave and told not to come back ever again.Did it to me twice and this was his third time doing it.One employee of mine was there,she bought her 16 year old son his first car which was a 2001 Chevy Cavalier 4 door.Runs good and her son is satisfied with it.Two bidders were in a bidding war on a 2016 Jeep Wrangler,a court seizure.Court is going to be happy,they are getting a good chunk of money.
    • Ashlee
      Thank you ladies! I am truly enjoying life now! 
    • NB Adult
      Michelle, being open and available to others is the key to being able to lose our own natural propensity for self consciousness that is sometimes all consuming and becomes the ruination of potentially good experiences out in public and even with friendships. It also serves to drive away the dark clouds of depression that we sometimes fall into when we become overly self absorbed with our own negative self image. Most people don't see us as we do and aren't nearly as critical as we tend to be of our own selves.
    • Jackie C.
      Well you might have. Women mechanics and women who ride are HAWT. So at least it would have been in a good way.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Huzzah for helping people! I've had a couple of people stop me and tell me how brave I am, but I don't think I've ever inspired anyone to get help. Well done!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      @Krisvm You look great! I'll bet you feel pretty good too. There's just something about being right... also I'm jealous as heck of your waistline. Work it girl!   Hugs!
    • JustineM
      Belated good morning everyone! Been on vacation this week and have the dreaded drive home tomorrow. Just relaxing today and a wedding to attend this evening. Hope everyone has a lovely day
    • Josie Beth
      I’ve known other transgender people throughout my life who only question why they have to go through the struggle of becoming someone that people see and respect as the gender they feel like. Many of us have come to the realization early on but some later. Whether it’s personal trauma that starts this introspection or just not feeling correct in the gender we are assigned, it’s a very personal thing. I’ve also encountered very few people who have said they detransitioned willingly but usually they were ftm. This idea that trans trenderism is the only reason people are transitioning is from people who oversimplify everything. But the truth is that since we live in a complex world that complicates things for us, there’s no easy answer for anything in life. Even though I knew from a fairly early age that something wasn’t right I didn’t know what to call it. But once I did it was this realization that “this is possible” and a sense of relief that there was a way. That was around 16, but it took another 14 years of personal struggle and ignoring certain cues because of social pressure until I finally found that HRT was the only thing that chemically made me feel normal. Then when I went through a bunch of craziness for another 16 years that prevented me from continuing my HRT I was devastated, tired, broken, struggling and unsatisfied with my life. I just didn’t realize it again until everything came crashing down on me and I grieved for what seems like weeks. So now after taking the long way around back to the same thing I so easily accepted about myself earlier in life I decided to stop running from it, procrastinating, or trying to fit this false image others have of me. While it’s never too late to begin, it’s also futile to try explaining it away because it’s something that won’t go away. It lingers. It’s constantly in the back of my mind. And it’s not necessarily the need to present feminine and that’s it. It’s so much more. When I looked at my personal thoughts, attitudes about certain issues, my opinions, how I view love and other people, relationships, it really sunk in that my mind is female already.  So now it’s just a matter of aligning the rest of me. Is it more difficult than if I had not been so dense about it at 18? Sure. But it’s something that I’m deeply compelled to pursue. It’s very much a spiritual journey with physical aspects. My life is an object lesson. Not about learning too late, but what happens when I let others question my deep seated sense of myself and stop listening to the inner voice that knows better than they ever will. It’s not really for me to find out why it seems so prevalent today. What is important is being who I really am. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself because I don’t see what I want: dysphoria. But some days I see the girl that has always been there. It’s those days that I feel encouraged and renew my determination. To put it in perspective, I don’t have any real life transgender friends around me for support. It’s been difficult to fit the groups and other social activities in for the past year. So nobody can say that what I feel is a result of mimicking others. On the other hand I do find comfort and social interaction with other trans women here and in the discord chat. I come here for the more thoughtful outlet and go on discord for the fun, silly chat where I can laugh and be just one of the girls. They definitely fill a void. Anyway I can be very wordy so I’ll stop writing for now. Just know that what you feel inside is more important than the costumes others try to put you into. 
    • Robin
      Hi Alex,   I am glad that you have joined us.   Robin.
    • Robin
      Hi Nina,   I am glad that you have joined us.   Robin.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...