The start of a new discovery.

[Annie]

Don't give up on your mom, Abby. Her first impulse of loving you is what will end up guiding her. This news is really scary when you're a parent. I'm sharing an excerpt from a draft for a piece I am writing about my son coming out that hopefully shows that a lot of the sadness that we can't hide when our kids comes out comes from love.

 

"Mothering is a lifelong course in how to give up control. Parenting a trans child elevates that course up to at least AP level, maybe all the way into a doctoral degree. I feel like I’ve earned a PhD in giving up control. I can’t control my child or the world or anything in between. When I was a young mother, I read parenting books that made it seem like if I followed the plan they had laid out, everything would be smooth. My kids would grow up happy and healthy. They would feel supported and loved, but also have healthy boundaries. They would be open-minded and free-spirited, yet somehow still obedient and responsive to my kind suggestions. The world would love them because they would be smart, kind, and attractive. In short, they would be a little better than normal, but not in an off putting kind of way. Thinking you have this level of control on your kids is for the young and deluded. We can definitely help our kids and lovingly guide them. We can certainly hurt our kids and start them down the wrong path. But we can’t, and shouldn’t try, to control who they are. I absolutely adore and celebrate Andy, but I can’t say I would have chosen this life for him. He spent years in agony over the incongruence with who he felt like was inside and who the rest of world told him he was. He cut gashes in his arms and contemplated suicide. He stopped talking and smiling and tried to stop feeling. I would not have chosen this for him and that alone signals my loss of control over Andy. He has to live life with possibly the least understood identity in a very cruel world. Of course he's sad. I am too.

 

And then, yesterday my husband told me he thought Andy’s being trans made him a better person - that it helped him to get back some of the empathy that autism takes away. It’s hard to separate out the threads of what makes a person a person or what makes you love or hate someone. Identity and feelings are both really complicated. But since Andy came out as trans, he is a better person. He is kinder and more thoughtful. He has conversations with me and tells me he loves me and that I am a great mother. He says he knows he’s lucky. At home, he is good and life is good. He gets smaller when we go out. He slopes his shoulders more, trying to make himself less noticeable. He’s told me he doesn’t want people to see him, but at the same time he craves social connection. He wants friends and he wants their attention, but doesn’t want to be the center of attention. Before sinking into himself, he always had a lot of friends.  He’s always been funny and imaginative. After coming out, I started to see him again, that child who I had missed so very much. It turns out that Andy being a boy does not matter to me, but Andy being Andy does. My hope is that being comfortably out in the rest of the world will help him become his whole self again. But just like getting here has not been easy, getting there won't be either."

[Abigail3051]

Hello! Just thought Id check in for a little bit of an update.
I think my mom is starting to accept that I'm trans, 2 of my 3 sisters know and they are okay with it. (we decided not to tall the baby sister) and I told all my closest friends, they didn't really care. My older sister for whatever reason decided to leak it to the general manager at work (Shed a lesbian and the workplace is VERY LGBT friendly) and she told one of the other managers and my trans (FTM) co-worker who confronted me about it right as I was trying to work up the courage to tell him, He gave me a rainbow wristband that reads "Just be you" and said he used to wear it all the time and that he thinks I should have it. I'm not really mad at my sister, she really just made things easier for me. My dad however, still doesn't know... I have no idea when my mom will tell him but it is stressing me out a little bit..

I haven't done anything to transition yet (because I can't until my dad knows) But I do plan to stop cutting my hair. Here's a picture of me right not for reference. (I take really bad photos.)

I'm going to take you guys with me through this journey so i'll keep you up to date if anything relevant happens.

Slightly nevus,
~Abby

[Abigail3051]

On 7/23/2018 at 2:56 PM, Annie said:

Don't give up on your mom, Abby. Her first impulse of loving you is what will end up guiding her. This news is really scary when you're a parent. I'm sharing an excerpt from a draft for a piece I am writing about my son coming out that hopefully shows that a lot of the sadness that we can't hide when our kids comes out comes from love.

 

Wow this entire story is really heart worming.. Thank you for sharing this with me V.V

[Abigail3051]

I commissioned someone on twitter to draw me if I was a girl and they made this!

[SugarMagnolia]

That's so great to see, Abby (both the art and your update)!

I totally get being nervous about telling your dad. I was a wreck thinking about that. In the end, it's been great, though, and it's such a relief to not have to hide anything or keep track of who knows and who doesn't. 

I hope things continue to go well and please DO keep us updated. However things go, support is important!

Julie

[Abigail3051]

I got impatient and gave my dad my later last night, he just kinda read it than went to bed, I said "I'm sorry" and he just responded "don't be" not at all the reaction I expected, but I think that's good? He works this morning so I haven't seen him scene, but this morning I got extra brave and made it public to the internet! everyone in my immediate family knows and all my friends on the internet know! SO I guess I'm officially out of the closet and it feels great! I feel like I can now be 100% honest with myself and people around me and try not to repress any aspect of my personality like saying the word "cute" or "pretty" It's so nice v.v
Wow the last couple days have been a rush!

Finally comfortable with her personality,
~Abby

[Jani]

Good news.  Hopefully all will respond positively.

 

Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

I'm happy for you, Abby. Wishing you nothing but positive feedback, but either way just being able to be yourself in whatever way feels right is SO liberating. Congrats!

Julie

[Adaline]

Hi Abby,

 

Wow, way to go girl, you have come a long way fast.  I found this link. 

https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/827713

 

Thank you for sharing you story.  Hope this helps.

 

hugs 

Adaline

 

 

 

 

[Abigail3051]

No hrt yet, no doctors or therapy, but I have been living life on the internet as trans full time, iv'e also discovered that I am in fact pan-sexual.